To think he went too far? *CW*

[Chatbags]

Name changed for this.

My husband and I are in the midst of somewhat stressful changes at the minute and things are not exactly wonderful, relationship wise. He is not one to discuss feelings but I know he blames me for some of it as I instigated a move that he's not happy about. So while we don't argue or shout or anything like that, I feel he's holding considerable resentment towards me. Work is also not going well for him at the minute. I can give more context but it will be long, and for now I would just like to see what people think of what happened last week. Apologies if TMI.

He had been away for a number of weeks with work. We hadn't seen each other and the night he came back he wanted sex. I told him I could help him out in "other ways", but I wasn't having sex as our water had been switched off for two days and I hadn't been able to have a shower so obviously felt a bit yuck. The maintenance guys were working on it and it was due to be back on in the morning so he would only have to wait until the next day but before I got into the bed I explicitly said I wasn't having sex and told him not to push it.

He pushed it. After a couple of minutes he pulled down my trousers, and I again said I wasn't having sex and he said something like "just the trousers" or he just wanted to get closer, or something like that. He was naked, I still had underwear on. Then he was on top of me and really quickly he pulled my underwear to the side and I said "no" but it was too late.

I didn't stop him though. I went along with it. I'd had a couple of glasses of wine and he probably assumed I would be up for it, as usually in those circumstances I would be, but as I said the lack of water meant I really wasn't. It was over pretty quickly and afterwards I went and slept in my DDs room. This was last week and things are "normal" between us but I still feel strange about it and think he crossed a line. AIBU?

Ps. Do not under any circumstances show him this thread. This is not good advice for how to deal with an abuser and could escalate the situation and make you even more unsafe.

What does CW mean? Could you not have just written Trigger Warning?

Your right it is crazy and yet you're apologising for a rapist

Ok your right about everything

Are you kidding that's actually dangerous advice.

The op has already said she is concerned for his temper and the way he'll react.

Do not under any circumstances show him this thread.

Again. Speak to one of the many rape charities. Even if you just want to think it over. It sounds like you're still in shock. They will not force you into anything and will take everything at your pace.

This is what you're choosing to focus on?

I can't believe this thread has turned into attacks on the OP and squabbling amongst posters. For heaven's sake. It's not about you, show some empathy.

Although I agree that showing an abuser a thread about his abuse is absolutely nuts advice.

Are you serious? I'm posting as someone who would have rather not have read this thread. I would never have got trigger warning from 'CW'

I think it's pretty obvious that's why I posted it, so it seems quite shitty for you to respond so nastily to me

Oh and rape apologists too. Good god. I'm so sorry you're having to read this crap OP.

How are you today @Chatbags? Sending love 💐

I'm sorry that you have reasons to be triggered by this thread, as I posted upthread I do too and found it upsetting to read. Genuinely sorry if my post compounded that 💐

However I don't think the OP needs to be berated for her choice of words when she is currently living this nightmare. CW is interchangeable with TW and from the title of the thread it's pretty clear what the content might be.

OP needs support - this thread has lots of that but sadly plenty of utterly unhelpful and downright dangerous, nasty comments too.

I'm sorry WunWun, CW means content warning. I haven't been on mumsnet in quite a while but I remembered seeing it on similar threads and assumed it was the go-to. I thought with the ** around it and the heading giving some indication of the post that people would know. I'm really sorry it upset you.

@Chatbags I understand your thinking .
it’s hard enough to accept your marriage is over never mind put your girls through that and yourself.
I would talk to him and tell him he needs to leave as he raped you and if he doesn’t you will
go to the police , use it as a threat . Hopefully that will scare him into never doing it to anyone again . Also tell him to get help for the future so he never does that to any other women .
Make these your terms to not go to the police .
You need to do what’s right for you and your daughters you cant make decision based on what he may and may not do in future relationships .

Seek legal advice get your head around what’s happened . Then get that man to leave .

X

Firstly I am so unbelievably sorry. There is no way to explain the emotions behind this situation (from my experience I remember the confusion and devastation) having everyone's opinions can be so overwhelming and in all honesty, after a situation like that, a gentle approach goes further when it comes to talking to you. I don't mean that in a patronising way, you've been through a situation where someone you love and trust, the father of your children, has made you feel unsafe. Vulnerable and my advice may be a little different from the general consensus here.

I'm hoping you're in the UK because I can only help by my past experiences but I don't know how Mumsnet works whether this is international but regardless I'm sure everywhere has the same support (hopefully).

When you feel up to it Google IDVAs. I'm happy to send you numbers if you are in the UK. These are women trained for these situations. They've seen it all and they are there to offer advice and comfort. If you want to contact the police then they can help with things to alleviate the overwhelm. If you don't want to contact the police then they have other options to support you till you feel stronger. They will also be there for questions you have regarding children and how to approach keeping them safe. Right now your safety and your babies safety is the most important. None of us are in your home, none of us have lived your life. However you feel in this moment is your way of processing the betrayal. The best thing you can do (when you're up to it) is to speak with someone less daunting then the police (unless you want to then that's great) and get their professional advice.

Finally I'll say, this is not your fault. I know you haven't said it is but even know I was clear when my ex DH did this to me, there was still a part of me playing it over and over in my head trying to decipher if part of it was something I said or did. If that feeling ever comes into your mind, squash it immediately. You're a strong wonderful women and he crossed a line.

Please take care OP. You and your babies deserve to be safe and happy. You're wise enough to know what the next step is in your situation. Trust yourself.

It’s not nuanced, you idiotic rape apologist

Can I ask, has he been completely 'normal' with you since then? Did he not question the fact that you walked out and slept in your DD's room? Because if not, that screams to me that he knew exactly that he'd done.

I wonder about this too aperolspritzbasicbitch. If he knows or if he's convinced himself otherwise. Afterwards I went to the bathroom and when I came back out into the bedroom I said quite coldly "I'm going to sleep in DDs room", he replied in a sort of jokey way "what, no cuddles?" And I just said no and walked out of the room.

Me sleeping in DDs room wouldn't be hugely out of the ordinary, as she tends to come looking for me in the night/very early morning so occasionally if I go to bed late and don't want to be woken up/want a "lie-in" I'll just go in there, especially since he started working away, but the way I did it that night was quite abrupt. The next morning I was also avoiding him and it would have been obvious. I think he was avoiding me too. He would usually come looking for me and make me coffee etc. but he didn't. We didn't see/speak to each other for hours.

I was quiet all day and later that evening he asked in a lighthearted way "what's wrong with you? You're a bit moody today" I wasn't able to broach it and just said nothing was wrong. He didn't instigate anything the next day and then I got my period and I made sure to mention it so he wouldn't try anything. I went to my mums for a couple of days with my DDs, she lives hours away so had some space. Since I got back things are "normal" in how we're speaking to each other, but I haven't slept in the same bed as him since or been receptive to any physical contact so I feel he must know something's up, but on the other hand as I said things are a bit fraught with us lately so he might just think it's down to that?

He asked this morning if I still had my period and I said yes even though we both know it's gone.

He doesn’t think it’s down to relationship troubles OP, he is a grown adult male, he nos what rape is and what no means. He’s just hoping/expecting you to ignore it and carry on like you are doing.

Thank you for your kind words @weneedhelpandlove that's really helpful - though I'm very sorry to read that you're speaking from experience. I haven't heard of IDVAs so will look that up. I hope things are going well for you now.

This is rape.

Can you go back to your mum's for a while longer OP to process things and decide what happens from here on

I can't think of any reason he would ask about your period other than wanting to have sex again. I'm assuming that you are in no way wanting this to happen so I'm concerned about what he might do next

Re reporting this crime - Even if they don't convict him now It would be on record so if he does it again, to you or someone else, they will take it more seriously. The pool ice would also make it very clear to him that having sex with someone who has told you no is a crime. You don't have to report it but it is your right.

It might also help you to have a record of this to help in the future if (hopefully when) you leave him, for example if you don't want him to have a key to the marital home which would usually be his right, in cases like this this would be a good reason not to allow him to have one.

Of course you went along with it you didn't have an option not to you were coerced and raped it's a very normal reaction to relent.

In terms of the message reporting would sends your daughters - the only message it would send is that men are not allowed to rape them even if they are in relationships with those men. You also have the right to anonymity so even in a small village this should. It be public info.

He is a horrible man I'm sorrry OP. Please don't feel like you've caused or deserve this because it was your idea to move house. Please call a survivors helpline to talk this through as they will be better trained than people on here.

I'm so sorry OP.

But you'll never again be able to trust that if you don't want sex you won't be raped. Headache, feeling I'll, simply not in the mood? Well now you can't know that he won't make you anyway.

That lack of trust would mean I wouldn't want him in my home or bed.

This.

The way some people think is absolutely mind-boggling. I don’t know why but the fact that it’s women having these thoughts gives me the fear.

Another benefit of reporting if you choose to (not meaning to pressure you but as you've stated you feel it's pointless) is that this would always be on record. So if a future partner of his had worries about domestic abuse she could do a Claire's law request to the police and they would tell her that a former partner had reported this as a crime even if charges weren't pressed

I'm so sorry @Chatbags 💐

This also happened to me (have name changed). I was in shock as he started when I was asleep. Woke up to him entering me. It was horrific and I, like you, just froze. I also physically avoided him afterwards and he stropped off to his house in a huff and wouldn't speak to me. His family then became worried about him because he wasn't answering their calls and asked me if anything had happened. I told his sister. She told her mother. They both blamed me and said I was making it up and he would never do such a thing. I was called all sorts. We've barely spoken since. My best friend told me it was rape.

He then played the poor victim, lost a lot of weight and tried to get me to go back. His mother and sister had put doubts in my head as to what actually happened so I took him back. We got married and tried for a baby. He sulked during the first trimester, verbally assaulted me and screamed in my face as I bled constantly and was too afraid to have sex. The physical assault first happened when I was 14 weeks pregnant with my DS. I threw him out and he did exactly the same; acted the victim and blamed me. I told his mother straight what he had done in front of my older children who had physically tried to protect me from him. She sided with him again.

I was finally done at that point but I wish to god I had had the strength to cut ties that very first time. I will never allow him near us again and I am completely ashamed that my children have been affected by this.

You have to be ready to cut ties. It's not easy when you have children. But my ExH sounds very much like yours; he tries to use our DS as a way "back in" and to manipulate and control me, and then sulks and abandons him when he repeatedly is told we are done.

Sending you lots of love and strength. If you are ready, please do leave. Don't wait for the next time.

@ClementWeatherToday
@BrunoMarzipan I know you were frozen, but (gently and honestly) what would he have done if you knee'd him in the balls and said stop? Would he have still carried on?

I might be wrong but I read Bruno's post more as OP shouldn't question her reaction as to why she froze/gave in (her words). OP needs to know it was due to her survival instincts and good intuition as she knew he could (would?) be capable of so much more if she'd tried to push him off. I didn't read it as a blame post.

OP - I hope you are in a better place after posting here. I hope you are able to access some form of counselling but at the very least please contact your GP for support