Close friendship turning totally toxic

[Smallblessings2]

NC for this as it is very outing.

I have a very good friend of 15yrs and up until the last nine months or so it was a supportive, enjoyable and comfortable friendship.

Last year she turned 40 and had a small party, despite being close she did not invite me. I questioned this at the time and she said it was a hobby group that had organised it for her.
She went on a trip of a life time afterwards with her dh and dc and I bought her a lovely gift and suggested we celebrate later in the year, all fine.

I later found out the party was much bigger than she expected/told me - all family invited too and other friends well beyond the hobby group but many friends were not invited. I was a bit sad not to share it with her, but accepted it is what it is.

Since then we have been meeting up, I have had a busy few months with work so not as often as usual. and she has been really different towards me since her 40th and I have no idea why.

It feels like she always trying to be one better now, she casually put me down a few times, criticised my dh and even corrected how I pronounced a word! Still hasn’t thanked me for her birthday present (it was an expensive and thoughtful gift) so that surprised me and I feel confused by her behaviour.

Each time I have seen her lately I have come away feeling really bad about myself and oddly ‘lonely’ which is not something I usually feel when I see good friends. I mentioned last night that things feel different between us at the moment, and tried to discuss it with her but she waved it away and dismissed it out of hand.

We ran into a mutual casual friend last night unexpectedly in the same place and it was oddly awkward for no good reason. Like a tonne of stuff that felt unsaid. My friend made a point of saying she hasn’t seen that much of me to the other friend which was so odd and weird to mention that. There was a low level tension.

What is going on here?
Can anyone shine a light on this kind of behaviour?

I am feeling increasingly uncomfortable with her, she won’t discuss it and I don’t want to overreact by dropping a long term, once lovely friendship, but I am finding that spending time with her is having a negative impact on me. It makes me feel worse not better, and her remarks make me feel unsure of myself and my life. I am usually an easy going laid back person and have no idea what I should do in this situation.

WWYD?

Honestly I'd let her go. You aren't getting anything from the friendship anymore and it's causing you anxiety. Sometimes friends grow apart, it's sad but it's one of those things. Focus on other friendships that actually bring you joy.

Do you think her behaviour has changed, or are you noticing things now that were always there? I am wondering if the party situation has put you on edge with her, or revealed to you that the friendship wasn’t quite what you thought. Do you think she senses herself that things are different? What did she say when she waved it away?

Whatever the reason, if this is a relationship that is draining and not nourishing you, it’s fine to step back for a while

Let it go. Leave her to make the first move and crack on with your other friends. I have done just that with a couple of mine, it was me doing the running all the time, me having to change to suit them, well no more. They have my details they can contact me

She turned forty and probably started navel gazing and started reading a self help book that was supposed to encourage her to make the best of her life and it's given her a bad attitude.

I have noticed over the years she considers herself superior in many ways at times, she comes from a very very privileged background and although living a down to earth life now, this would shine through occasionally in her comments or tone in the past, but she has been pretty awful lately. Surprising comments that were quite unkind.

I did wonder if they had money issues and it has created some insecurity. Which is why I haven’t pulled immediately back. I am trying to figure out if there is a reason for the shift.

I would be distancing myself from this friend, leave her to live her life with her hobby group of friends.

I think the fact that you raised it with her but she brushed you aside is telling. Someone who valued you would recognise your upset, validate you and seek to reassure.

I don't know what's happened to cause this shift in your friendship but it's there and you sense it. She's had ample opportunity to settle an issue but has chosen not to. Being me, I'd take the hint and back off.

Why do you say that?

Let her drift off. It’s clear that she doesn’t see the friendship the same way as you do. Why bother?

It’s almost like we were close friends for years and years and she suddenly ‘downgraded’ me without telling me around her 40th. Even though on paper things are the same as before.

Friends who gaslight when confronted by dych behaviour are, firstly, not friends and secondly manipulative because they don't want to confront their sh*tty behaviour or be honest about how they feel.

Dump her.

*such

What have you got to lose by telling her exactly what you've more or less said here. " what's changed, your being abit off with me these days etc etc" just ask her! If she has a huff n puff you were thinking about dropping the friendship anyway so no big shock to you or loss. And if she explains why then all sorted.

Well because she regularly wants to meet up, looks so happy to see me and has been a solid friend to me in difficult times in the past. I have been there for her. I trusted her enough to make her godmother to my youngest child. It’s not an easy decision to ditch her.

@Smallblessings2 you mentioned she has friends that share a hobby with her - thats the reason I mentioned it.

Life is too short, start making happy memories rather than wasting time over analysing your friendship with her.

She doesn’t sound like a good friend. Let her go.

What was the word she corrected? Out of nosiness interest?

I tried and she shut it down, and literally said she had no idea what I am talking about it and implied it was my issue. Nothing at all to do with her.

I agree you could write out what you have out here and meet her somewhere and let her read it and then talk about it.
You have been hurt but your concern for her comes through in your posts so if she takes issue with you making this effort to resolve the friendship and support her wellbeing then she is the one being unreasonable.

She was the person (among one or two other close friends) that I would call at 3am from a prison cell kind of friend. I value our friendship, or did, and consider her to be someone I would still enjoy seeing when we are old and grey. It’s been great to now.

She wants to shut you down every time but you don't have to accept it and continue as you are.

Tell her that unfortunately you won't be able to meet up with her again until she gives you the courtesy of discussing the issues with you, including why she didn't invite you to her 40th or thank you for the present.

Did you have a 40th or are you younger than her?

I had a 40th party a few year ago and she came to my party.

Just leave her to it, why do you need the drama?

I would leave her to get on with it.
It doesn't really matter WHY she's being like this, the fact you feel worse after you've seen her and had to listen to her casual put downs is good enough reason to cool things between you in future. She's not as good a friend as you thought, that's down to her and she's unlikely to tell you why. No doubt someone's said something about you, probably a load of rubbish but some people fall for this stuff.

Let her go. She's no friend x

Also she attended my 30th too. Christenings, family weddings and we spent Christmas day together in the past, Easters, hallowe’ens. You name it. All the families know each other inside out. It’s really tricky to know what to do.