Close friendship turning totally toxic

[Smallblessings2]

NC for this as it is very outing.

I have a very good friend of 15yrs and up until the last nine months or so it was a supportive, enjoyable and comfortable friendship.

Last year she turned 40 and had a small party, despite being close she did not invite me. I questioned this at the time and she said it was a hobby group that had organised it for her.
She went on a trip of a life time afterwards with her dh and dc and I bought her a lovely gift and suggested we celebrate later in the year, all fine.

I later found out the party was much bigger than she expected/told me - all family invited too and other friends well beyond the hobby group but many friends were not invited. I was a bit sad not to share it with her, but accepted it is what it is.

Since then we have been meeting up, I have had a busy few months with work so not as often as usual. and she has been really different towards me since her 40th and I have no idea why.

It feels like she always trying to be one better now, she casually put me down a few times, criticised my dh and even corrected how I pronounced a word! Still hasn’t thanked me for her birthday present (it was an expensive and thoughtful gift) so that surprised me and I feel confused by her behaviour.

Each time I have seen her lately I have come away feeling really bad about myself and oddly ‘lonely’ which is not something I usually feel when I see good friends. I mentioned last night that things feel different between us at the moment, and tried to discuss it with her but she waved it away and dismissed it out of hand.

We ran into a mutual casual friend last night unexpectedly in the same place and it was oddly awkward for no good reason. Like a tonne of stuff that felt unsaid. My friend made a point of saying she hasn’t seen that much of me to the other friend which was so odd and weird to mention that. There was a low level tension.

What is going on here?
Can anyone shine a light on this kind of behaviour?

I am feeling increasingly uncomfortable with her, she won’t discuss it and I don’t want to overreact by dropping a long term, once lovely friendship, but I am finding that spending time with her is having a negative impact on me. It makes me feel worse not better, and her remarks make me feel unsure of myself and my life. I am usually an easy going laid back person and have no idea what I should do in this situation.

WWYD?

Feel your pain op, I've had something very similar happen to me with a "best" friend of 20 years. During the last couple of years of our friendship , I could sense a coolness coming from her - night's out would consist of me waiting whilst she texted continually, she missed my birthdays, would flake on meet ups, cancelled plans last minute, would drive by my house daily but always too busy to drop in for a coffee, not invited to new year gatherings etc etc. I too, tried to get to the bottom of it but was given a load of weak excuses whilst maintaining she still adored me. I could never get any answers no matter how I tried to approach it. At the same time she would still ask for my help on a work related matter - which I had always freely given, but it got to the point where I felt like a doormat - good enough to accept my help but not good enough to have a reciprocal relationship. It didn't end well , I tried to distance myself but it was so awkward seeing her out and about with this big elephant in the room, so eventually I dropped her entirely. I'll never get answers, but looking bscj, I think she was incredibly jealous of my promotion at the time. I too started the friendship as being the lesser person, the less confident one, the shy people pleaser and she didn't like it when I seemed to be on the up. She definitely bitched about me and told mutual friends confidences I had shared with her as they started acting very strangely around me and made little personal digs the source of which could have only come from her. I don't think I will ever truly trust friends fully again tbh, the amount of pain she inflicted was so incredibly damaging

Just seen you update on the Kenya thing, OP. Clearly her schooling was not superior to yours if she was taught that Keen-ya is the correct pronunciation.

I'd imagine the one upping is based in insecurity. Maybe connected to her big birthday?
The behaviour with the party and mutual friend may mean she has someone new in the 'very close friend' role, maybe from the hobby group, who is possibly a little possessive, hence she feels the need to play down her other close friendships. Its surprising how often this happens, with friendship dynamics taking on the characteristics and jealousy of intimate relationships at times.
Alternatively a mutually known person may have a problem with you and she is trying to run with the hare and the hounds. Unfortunately if she's not going to share you can't force her.
I disagree with the advice to dump her. People who've been in our lives and been good friends for a long time shouldn't be disposed of at the drop of a hat for what may be behaviour that's just a phase.
In your shoes I'd reduce contact, try if possible to focus it on a shared activity so less opportunity for the conversations that cause tension, and give it some time. If no improvement in a few months, or if even that isnt enjoyable, then maybe reevaluate.

Yeah, sorry OP but she’s a snob and a racist. I don’t think she will be any loss to you.

No
She showed that she was a culturally insensitive person

(said as someone of white African heritage whose totally colonial father now in his 90s would never say Keenya these days as he knows that it is offensive- and he is so posh that he didn't even go to school- war got in the way a bit- then went straight to university)

I had a similar sort of situation, where a previously very close friend started treating me in a very offhand and frankly rude way, culminating in forgetting a significant birthday of mine.

We'd been friends for 20+ years, she felt like a sister, and I couldn't understand what had gone wrong.

I hung on, hoping that things would get better, for maybe 3 or 4 years (!). Eventually I cut the ties, and told her why - by letter! She was a dominant character and I felt quite scared about what the reaction might be.

I was so sad at the idea of ending the friendship (as it had once been) but the second my letter dropped through her letterbox, I actually felt relief. And whilst I still think of her, and was very sorry about parting company, my internal reaction on actually making the move spoke volumes. It was the best thing for me and cut a source of great anxiety and stress.

I think, @Smallblessings2 , that you might feel the same as I did.

Friendships change over time. That's just natural.

I'm struggling with a friend too. She was a bestfriend but she's so unbelievably competitive and jealous. She's reached the stage where she's telling me how much her holiday in Benidorm was - over and over 😂... And what their annual household income is. She's very much "keeping up with the Joneses" type. And a mix of that and the Shein version of Hyacinth Bucket. It's distasteful and I'm shattered from all the eggshells.

It's very tiresome. Time to let go and move on.

Find some new friends who make you feel excited to be out and excited to make plans!
Find friends who make you laugh so much your stomach aches and your eyes water. Make friends with people who make you feel good about life.

It sounds as though your personal growth doesn't fit with her needs of you any more, and she needs to put you down to elevate her view of herself. It's very sad, but if she feels inadequate next to you in some way, there's not a lot you can do without regressing yourself. You've outgrown her and she knows it. As for what she may have said to others, she's clearly downgraded your 'friendship', and you deserve better. You can't fix this yourself, and she's not willing to admit her part in it, so I'd say it's time to walk away. It may be that it gives her the motivation to reflect and change, but she's no going to do it until she's ready.
Put your time/effort into more balanced relationships that don't come with such negativity.

What a 💡moment!

This is exactly how we started out - I was the new girl to the area, very keen to fit in and bent over backwards to be nice to everyone. Parent/child dynamic gave her all of the power for a good few years, and she enjoys the driving seat. I didn’t mind - I thought she was being helpful, kind - a good friend.

Over the years I pretty much grew fed up with playing supporting junior role though, on some level, and with therapy (for something else) and gaining confidence from educational achievements etc, I decided to quietly set about gently evening the playing field. Starting with not just agreeing with her, but having my own opinions, trusting my own judgments. I became more aware of how little I shared, and so I began sharing more with her - especially some of my hard won achievements. She prefers problems to fix over celebrating achievements. The dial moved slowly but decidedly to adult mode and that’s pretty much when the put downs, casual offensive comments and snarky responses started.

The stronger I have become, the deteriorating condition of friendship almost directly mirrors the decline.

How do you convert parent/child dynamics to adult to adult???

I feel she doesn’t accept it, and prefers her old dominance and dynamics.

Can you pinpoint anything specific thats happened in her life to cause this shift in attitude? it seems like she was fine up until her 40th and then changed- wondering if something has happened to change her perspective? has anything changed for you- could she be jealous of something you now have?

If you cant, what I would do is arrange a coffee and lay it out. Say you've found her different towards you and its been really bothering you and is there anything that has happened to cause this as you'd like to fix it and you care about her. If she brushes it off, scoffs or wont acknowledge it then I'd be dropping her. But at least of you have done everything to sort it out you wont feel regrets about letting her go. Sadly, I have found that some people do change and not for the better and this is due to their own internal reasons that have nothing to do with us. Listen to your instincts- a friend shouldnt put you down or make you feel lonely and if thats all this friendship is offering now then you may as well drop the rope and make new friends. I am sorry- its happened to me and its so hurtful

I don't think she consciously used you, but over time as you became more successful, and her perhaps less so, the dynamic has changed in a way she isn't comfortable with. She sounds like a raging snob tbh.

You could try pulling her up on it when she puts you down, but it won't go the way you'd like I don't think ie. so sorry, I've been a shit and mean to you, I shall reform.

Essentially the friendship has run its course. It is very very hard to lose friendships. Bottom line is if it makes you feel like shit, it's time to move on.

If this was a boy friend treating you like that, you'd know it was time to LTB.

This is principle

BUT
dont say “you are””you think”

stick to “I” phrase

”when you said x,y,z, I felt this “
”I feel disrespected /patronised/embarrassed when you did/said this”
”I feel our relationship has changed, I am getting anxious about our interactions

etc

a friend who wanted a good relationship, would be probably horrified that you felt that way, and would engage to work through why you felt like that, if it wasn’t their intent, and sort it out

a non friend will dismiss you, or deny you can feel like that

I don’t blame her for the dynamics, I accepted and contributed to the situation for 15 years. Having realised I didn’t want to remain in that role I was the one that tried to shift things. I thought I would put that out there, as I am accepting my part in this.

Even perhaps recognising the comfort of having her in that role, served some of my inner needs too, but the box got too small and too confined, and I was bursting out of it and trying to be recognised for the whole person I was, and am today.

I suspect, you sharing more on general but specifically more about your achievements is interpreted by her as being "boastful". If she's competitive and jealous that's going to be hard to deal with.
Not your loss. Not at all.

She does sound like a bit of a snob who likes to lord it over you.

A few years ago I had a friend I made on a night out. We quickly became close friends but her background was very different to mine, but we got on well. I soon found out that she liked to try and change people. She was forever trying to get me to whiten my teeth, fake tan etc and her and her DM tried to give me a new Ted Baker dress (left it in the room I was staying at in their house). I had to politely say that if it was a gift sorry but not my taste. I wasn’t sure quite how it was meant to come across though. Then on a mutual friend’s birthday out she presented her with an expensive Karen Millen or Ted Baker dress which wasn’t mutual friend’s style at all.

Once when this friend stayed with me she realised an area near where I live (but didn’t really like going out in) would be perfect for her/us to go out in. But as she then had a young child and we went out near where she lived I didn’t think of that. We were meant to be best friends but she dropped or meant to downgrade me once she was back with her ex. I did her a favour and ended the friendship.

I read that and immediately thought toxic friend and she’s trying to push you out of the friendship group . I would just leave her

The Kenya correction is a massive red flag. Who does that? It’s very rare to hear anyone say Keenya unless they’re extremely posh and elderly. That was a totally twattish correction/comment.

Re: the awkward meeting with the friend. She absolutely had been bitching about you, so her comment was made because didn’t want to look hypocritical by being v seen with you.

Although it won’t be easy to extricate yourself from the friendship, I would be re-evaluating it and definitely not doing any of the running. I’d avoid drama, but be less available. I’d also be conscious that there has been an element of using you and your husband for what you can provide for them.

Don't waste another second on this friendship. She clearly has a touch of the green eye and is dissatisfied with her own life.
She can come crawling back when she comes to her senses.
Its annoying and disheartening when this happens. i had a very close friend of 10 plus years who did this, it started off with little comments and ended with her putting her wet coffee cup on a lovely 1st edition book I had just received from my then husband for my 50th leaving a big coffee ring on it. Sh knew what she was doing because I had just showed her the book and told her how much it meant to me.
I have been "busy" ever since.
Envy poisons relationships.

It feels like we have gradually been switching roles, without knowing it. Their business has struggled and almost died during the pandemic, they have yet to recover. Our dc pulled in opposite directions educationally and trajectories. Just many things that have slowly changed in our lives that mean now she is not the roaring, dominant successful alpha she once was in the fast lane, and I am
not the shy accommodating pp I used to be.
Somewhere in the middle it’s fraying at the fabric of the friendship, that and my insistence to be taken more seriously these days and not do all the running.

OP you're dating the change from when she turned 40. But you said you got a big promotion. I'm wondering if this actually started then but you didn't realise it. The non invitation to the party was just when you saw something very definite and that made you more aware.

How did she react to your promotion? Was she pleased and enthusiastic, did she praise you, buy you flowers or whatever? Or did she skirt over it and turn things back to herself?

I suspect this has been going on for a while but you didn't see it to be quite as big as it obviously is.

Well, whatever it is that’s the problem she is doing nothing to hide it and in fact is deliberately trying to make you feel bad - otherwise she’d have thanked you for the gift.

I genuinely think that as I’ve got older, I’ve noticed some women behave in their 30s, 40s, 50s and 60s exactly as they did as insecure teenagers and young women. They never fully mature. They make themselves feel good by pointedly ostracising other women, making little digs, not returning kindness, encouraging others to gossip about mutual friends etc.

I think you have one of those women as a friend. Everything you’ve mentioned points to her jealousy of you.

We tend to gravitate towards people that make us feel good about ourselves. Is it a coincidence that after her 40th she’s picking faults with your partner, trying to put you down and making you feel unappreciated? Or is this about her own issues about her life manifesting as resentment towards you as you’ve started to become confident?

Personally, I could not let the sheer rudeness pass of buying a thoughtful and expensive gift which never gets a thank you. I’d need to raise that. I suspect that because it was expensive, she’s sulky that you are so lovely and generous rather than appreciative that she’s the recipient.

See OP you worked it out all yourself with a few nudges from MN! You know deep down what’s going on.

We all grow and change and just like marriages, friendships don’t always last forever and I think it’s healthy to recognise this and not push on when it no longer works for us.

You sound awesome. Ambitious, caring and loving, proud but also willing to reflect on your own behaviour and needs. You have grown in confidence and your achievements have reflected that and you know a decent friend would delight in that with you not try to minimise who you are.

You have been brave enough to acknowledge the shift and mention it to her but she shut you down. So just drift away. You can always say when she next asks to meet up ‘why would you want to do that when you don’t seem to enjoy me and my company anymore?’ Or you can just say you are busy and let it fade. You will make the right call.

Absolutely this.

Oh blimey, fair enough re that instance of correcting pronunciation. That's not comparable to a normal instance and does feel like a power move by her, made worse by her being very wrong. Feels like a microcosm for the bigger issue and very telling.