Close friendship turning totally toxic

[Smallblessings2]

NC for this as it is very outing.

I have a very good friend of 15yrs and up until the last nine months or so it was a supportive, enjoyable and comfortable friendship.

Last year she turned 40 and had a small party, despite being close she did not invite me. I questioned this at the time and she said it was a hobby group that had organised it for her.
She went on a trip of a life time afterwards with her dh and dc and I bought her a lovely gift and suggested we celebrate later in the year, all fine.

I later found out the party was much bigger than she expected/told me - all family invited too and other friends well beyond the hobby group but many friends were not invited. I was a bit sad not to share it with her, but accepted it is what it is.

Since then we have been meeting up, I have had a busy few months with work so not as often as usual. and she has been really different towards me since her 40th and I have no idea why.

It feels like she always trying to be one better now, she casually put me down a few times, criticised my dh and even corrected how I pronounced a word! Still hasn’t thanked me for her birthday present (it was an expensive and thoughtful gift) so that surprised me and I feel confused by her behaviour.

Each time I have seen her lately I have come away feeling really bad about myself and oddly ‘lonely’ which is not something I usually feel when I see good friends. I mentioned last night that things feel different between us at the moment, and tried to discuss it with her but she waved it away and dismissed it out of hand.

We ran into a mutual casual friend last night unexpectedly in the same place and it was oddly awkward for no good reason. Like a tonne of stuff that felt unsaid. My friend made a point of saying she hasn’t seen that much of me to the other friend which was so odd and weird to mention that. There was a low level tension.

What is going on here?
Can anyone shine a light on this kind of behaviour?

I am feeling increasingly uncomfortable with her, she won’t discuss it and I don’t want to overreact by dropping a long term, once lovely friendship, but I am finding that spending time with her is having a negative impact on me. It makes me feel worse not better, and her remarks make me feel unsure of myself and my life. I am usually an easy going laid back person and have no idea what I should do in this situation.

WWYD?

That’s hilarious re the Kenya thing. The only people who say KEEN-YA are ex colonialists and they must be ancient now. I’ve been to Kenya several times and never heard a local say it like that either.

Thanks OP for starting what has been a really useful and insightful thread. I’ve felt very confused and uncomfortable with one or two female friendships over the last year and some of what has been written here has been so useful. You sound really wise and mature, hope it all works out without too much upset

God she sounds exhausting. I'm so glad MN have made you see things clearer. Who needs that shit?

I know right? Madness 🤣

This is really sad. I really feel for you. It's difficult when a friendship breaks down without you really knowing why. If I feel upset with someone, I like to speak with them about it, tell them why I'm upset, sort it out and move on from it. Some people prefer to use silent treatment, or let the tension fester until its irreparable. It's sad that as adults and as friends we cannot communicate our feelings with each other and apologise/accept an apology where needed. Unfortunately it seems like she has spoken badly of you to the friend in common at some point and is now uncomfortable being seen with you as it makes her look two-faced, hence the "oh I've not seen much of OP" it's really sad that she is godparent to your kid too it was obviously a very close and precious friendship at one point. Like others have mentioned, you could write a letter or text/email really explaining how you've been feeling, and hopefully you both can discuss it and mend your friendship, if not you have to walk away for your own mental wellbeing. You cannot be friends with someone who is treating you this way after you have told them how much it is upsetting you, best of luck! Hope it works out for you

So why post? It's quite clear why the friendship had changed and you'd already identified why and deliberately changed your stance.

I had a situation almost exactly like this.
What happened was:
there was a new friend from a new hobby group who didn't like me for some reason, and she told my old friend a lot of lies about me, and my friend believed them somehow. There were other people present (not me), and suddenly I had weird looks and whispers behind my back. I too asked what is wrong and what have I done, and got no answer.
Some years later I met my ex-friend, and she said she was very sorry for believing that person, which turned out to be quite a s#$t stirrer, but it was already too late. The damage was done.
The thing that suprised me most was how ready people were to believe blunt lies without asking me whether it was the truth.

OP, very kindly meant but I would suggest you have NEVER really known this "friend".

She's never really been your friend.

You were a convience/useful/pet like inferior person, whom stroked her ego.

The shift in dynamics has infuriated her, even moreso if it has involved children.

She won't ever admit the above of course, because, how could she?

She's a nasty ugly person.

She has 100% been seriously bad mouthing you, and the mutal friend is appalled by it, even more so by seeing you both together.

One thing to bad mouth an ex friend, another thing to bad mouth them and then be seen out with them.

Now, I mean this very kindly, but it needs saying IMO.

If any of my dear friends dared to mock my darling husband, even friends of 40 years standing, I wouldn't tolerate it for a nano second.
I would be stunned, but it would go down really badly.
Such is my loyalty to my husband, the ONLY person allowed to bitch or mock him, is ME.😁

That she would do this is beyond nasty.

You need to find your self respect and loyalty to your husband, really quickly.
By chasing after this awful woman, you are letting both yourself down and your husband.
The birthday party would have been a huge red flag for many!

I wouldn't dream of having any further conversation with her and I would never contact her again.

Should she press the point and contact you, I wouldn't take a call. I would take huge time to respond and keep saying I am busy.

I wouldn't dream of giving her the time or the courtesy of an explanation.

I repeat, she never was your friend.

I apologise if the above is harsh.
Wishing you well.

I think you answered your own question with the help of this thread! She sees herself as Alpha and you were supposed to be her admirer and soundboard, bathing in her reflected glory. All the time you played that role she was happy with you.

But then you increased your work/financial success and social currency. As your star rose, hers happened to fall. She doesn't want to accept that you are her equal or perhaps now more successful in some regards. She hasn't dropped you altogether but she's trying to teach you that she wants the old balance restored. Hence criticising and correcting you to let you know she is still your "better". Not inviting you to her party was a deliberate warning - you are disposable so you'd better dance to her tune.

I've experienced this myself over the years with a couple of "friends" who seemed to feel they were more deserving of the successes I had (and had worked bloody hard for).

A true friend would be happy for you not resentful.

My advice would have been to talk to her and mention things are not the same in case you’d upset her accidentally and there was some obvious issue to resolve. You have tried to do this and she’s brushed it off and doesn’t seem bothered about how you view the friendship. The only option you have is to accept the situation for what it is and take a step back. Perhaps she was always selfish but you didn’t see it before she hurt you over the 40 birthday incident. You seem like a nice person but you need to draw a line under this close friendship and either cut or minimise contact. I appreciate it hurts to see a friendship drift apart and I have been in a similar position in the past, but she has already made the decision for you.

Oh goodness no, I only understood this when a pp posted about transitional analysis. It hasn’t occurred to me before. When I looked at it from the TA angle it became instantly obvious. I don’t know a thing about transactional analysis!

”She prefers problems to fix over celebrating achievements.”

You’ve concisely and precisely described a few toxic relationships I’ve found myself in over the years!

I think your only options are to step away from the friendship (although I appreciate that’s not as easy as most of MN seem to think it is!) or to tell her less and less about your life. Personally, I don’t share achievements with people who belittle them / aren’t interested / are envious, I leave those conversations for people who care and want to celebrate my achievements with me.

The other thing I’ve noticed as I’ve got older and wiser is the most bitter and envious people are the riches-to-rags type who had privilege growing up but who then dropped down the social ladder in their own educational attainment and professional achievements (or lack thereof).

Thank you Billy. I appreciate your honesty, and I don’t consider or harsh.

I was appalled at her comments about my dh. I was too shocked to say anything. It was genuinely a silencing moment as it sunk in. Oddly she was referencing a time - 7 years ago! So how on earth did she even remember?! She said some other things about that time that were even more cutting.

Dh is the most gentle, kindest souls and he has been an exceptionally good friend to them too over the years. I can’t get past her commenting on his garden clothes as if he was an inferior being. The other comments I could chalk up to her lack of tact/speaking her mind in a clumsy way but I felt she was trying to hurt me. I have never bad mouthed him, I have never needed to, and yet she felt she could??

You've outgrown your usefulness.

Look at it this way - if you met her now, do you think you'd be friends?

Probably not.

Step away

Unfortunately the drop down the ladder is precisely what has happened, and in almost all areas. The most difficult pill to swallow seems to have been expectations versus reality with the children’s attainment/progress.

We have spoken openly about the bitter resentment that has followed for some time, she was/is candid about the differences/difficulties.

Neither investing or closing it down.

I depends whether you want to be true to yourself

Id probably, next time she contacts you to meet up actually say. Honestly each time we meet I'm left with a sinking doom that doesn't happen with other friends and the time we saw your friend it was certainly very awkward for your friends and myself but you declare you don't notice these things. Shall we leave meeting up until you can decide whether we actually work at our friendship together.

If she denies or belittles, just repeat the last phrase, Let us leave meeting up until you can decide whether its a friendship to work on. I will leave it to you to decide.

Ultimately you don't want to break the friendship as you'd leave it to fester, but being true to yourself that something has happened is important. Leaving this at her door as to whether she wants to work at the relationship forces her to break the friendship or to make things work together. If she comes back then you would assume she truly wants to work at it and if not you know it wasn't worth while trying

very good analysis.

I need to be wary that she doesn’t monetise a perceived ‘drama’ between us into something she can use to gossip about. If I say nothing what can she talk about?

Casual friend was angry - not with me - but with df. The look on her face was like measured concrete. I think there is every chance df was talking about me, and every chance this has caused raised eyebrows/bad feeling.

I did wonder what people might think when I was MIA at the party. I am sure others will have asked where I was. I haven’t really considered how she answered, only that it’s her party, her choice. Which I accept is an easy way out of confronting inconvenient truths.

I am so glad this thread has been useful to others as well, and helpful for those already suffering/suffered. We all deserve decent friends! 💪🏻

I think that she would choose to scrape the barrel and reference 7 years ago, about your husband that has been so generous towards her, ......confirms two things.

Firstly, she is really feeling truly angry towards you, over the change in dynamic, and has lost the run of herself completely.

Secondly, you now have confirmation of her thought process 7 years ago......which was/is, absolutely toxic.

All of this is even further confirmation that you should never have anything further to do with her again.

Oh, and if asked about her, you can be 100% truthful and say that she was extremely rude about my husband who has been nothing but kind and generous towards her and her husband.

I am very protective of those I love, I would be vicious at her presumption that she could denigrate my husband to my face.

Really vicious.

@NeedToChangeName well we were having a laugh about it and they weren't offended, which is why I was surprised it was mentioned as being an issue here, but now the OP has given the Kenya context that makes much sense and, as I say, wasn't comparable. You sound like you'd take offence but my friend saw the funny side.

It's sad but I'd also advise doing nothing. Maybe in time you'll get some sort of explanation but I doubt it.

Thing is, if people feel their gripe is reasonable, they'll either attempt to say it, usually, even if it comes out passively. But when the gripe is ''look, when we met, being around you made me feel superior, but now, being around you makes me feel inferior, and that doesn't really work for me, so, bye''.

I had a couple of people moving themselves to tears with their own kindness to me when my life hit a rough patch 16 years ago but over time, as I got a pt job, then got a ft job, got a better job, got a house,........... people who had assumed the role of gracious benefactor around me 16 years ago don't know how to act towards me now, so they blank me. Well, thinking of one person here tbh.

i find Smallblessings2's post very helpful.

This is how I knew my friendship with a very long term friend was really over. I came away each time we met up feeling shit. Down, a bit paranoid, relieved it was over. I was also starting to feel happy if she cancelled meeting up. There was a lot more to it obviously, but those feelings were what made me sit down and think that this really wasn't a friendship anymore. We had been at each others weddings, celebrated big birthdays together -but it had just run its course. We don't see each other now. No big falling out. I've never regretted once making the decision to "break up".

Casual friend was angry - not with me - but with df. The look on her face was like measured concrete. I think there is every chance df was talking about me, and every chance this has caused raised eyebrows/bad feeling.

I did wonder what people might think when I was MIA at the party. I am sure others will have asked where I was. I haven’t really considered how she answered, only that it’s her party, her choice. Which I accept is an easy way out of confronting inconvenient truths.

I think she would have most likely have told some lies. She may have painted you as needy / demanding and that she was exhausted with how much support you needed so she had told you she could no longer help you and that you have therefore fallen out. This makes her look helpful but put upon. And she may have said your DH was also unreasonably unhelpful with their business.

Threads like these are very help to many people.

Particularly, nice decent people, who tend to be generous and honest in their relationships, and cannot fathom the sort of behaviour the OP describes.

Old crones like myself have either come across this type of behaviour before, or have heard of it via friends.

It is sad, but it happens.

There is a type of woman who simply cannot countenance superior achievement in the children of others.

They are beyond competitive and even when THEIR children succeed, they STILL cannot feel generosity towards others who do well too.

Really fxxked up IMO......and so best avoided.

I really hope the OP will move forward an leave this woman and her poison in her rear view.

Life is simply too short.