Close friendship turning totally toxic

[Smallblessings2]

NC for this as it is very outing.

I have a very good friend of 15yrs and up until the last nine months or so it was a supportive, enjoyable and comfortable friendship.

Last year she turned 40 and had a small party, despite being close she did not invite me. I questioned this at the time and she said it was a hobby group that had organised it for her.
She went on a trip of a life time afterwards with her dh and dc and I bought her a lovely gift and suggested we celebrate later in the year, all fine.

I later found out the party was much bigger than she expected/told me - all family invited too and other friends well beyond the hobby group but many friends were not invited. I was a bit sad not to share it with her, but accepted it is what it is.

Since then we have been meeting up, I have had a busy few months with work so not as often as usual. and she has been really different towards me since her 40th and I have no idea why.

It feels like she always trying to be one better now, she casually put me down a few times, criticised my dh and even corrected how I pronounced a word! Still hasn’t thanked me for her birthday present (it was an expensive and thoughtful gift) so that surprised me and I feel confused by her behaviour.

Each time I have seen her lately I have come away feeling really bad about myself and oddly ‘lonely’ which is not something I usually feel when I see good friends. I mentioned last night that things feel different between us at the moment, and tried to discuss it with her but she waved it away and dismissed it out of hand.

We ran into a mutual casual friend last night unexpectedly in the same place and it was oddly awkward for no good reason. Like a tonne of stuff that felt unsaid. My friend made a point of saying she hasn’t seen that much of me to the other friend which was so odd and weird to mention that. There was a low level tension.

What is going on here?
Can anyone shine a light on this kind of behaviour?

I am feeling increasingly uncomfortable with her, she won’t discuss it and I don’t want to overreact by dropping a long term, once lovely friendship, but I am finding that spending time with her is having a negative impact on me. It makes me feel worse not better, and her remarks make me feel unsure of myself and my life. I am usually an easy going laid back person and have no idea what I should do in this situation.

WWYD?

I have to ask does she have form to do this type of thing ? Has she acted like this in the past but given her side of it.

The women I know keeps losing friends and I couldn't understand why, turns after I spent lots of time with her I knew why. She got off in not including people and leaving people out. Always justified it too. She was to playground for me.

Yes! She has blown up so many friendships over the years, all reasonably close friendships. Always with little or no explanation. Just said x,y and z were being ‘difficult’ and it would blow over.

@Smallblessings2 this fits with what I posted above about black and white thinking. I don't know if you read my post but if this is a pattern, I wouldn't be surprised if she has this issue.

I know that if it is extreme that is can go hand in hand with some personality disorders like borderline personality disorder and narcissm for example. That a person can be seen as a good friend and then something random happens that they perceive as unacceptable for whatever reason (often objectively trivial but perceived to be disrespectful or not worthy of their friendship) that results in an about face and a casting that person out into Siberia.

If it's a pattern, my guess is that this could be the cause so like I said you will never know what the trigger was and don't waste time mulling about it because it could be something as daft as you said you didn't like purple shoes, she has a pair of purple shoes she loves so sees you as disrespecting her and gets a total turn off. That's how this extreme b & w thinking in relationships works.

I think its a version of this.

Mutual friend sees her clearly NOW, knows what she has been saying and brought up others she has fallen out with.

I would be hugely curious to hear what mutal friend knows.

@Smallblessings2 is she someone that would say "I don't have to justify my actions ect" and then blacken that persons name ?

The thing is with this type of person it's a pattern. One they repeat over and over. People end up making excuses for that person or worse believing the coolaid about the picked on person until it happens to them.

I was in a situation like this watching it play out and people like your friend are Uber convincing. Probably because they genuinely think that their actions are acceptable.

Usually once they have gotten their fill from you, they will start on some poor other person and the circle will complete again. As I said they get a kick out of it. Don't feed it by acting upset (even though you understanbly are) if asked about it I would shrug your shoulders and say it's weird she suddenly decided to drop me like a hot potato and won't say why, she's done it before and I'm not shocked so I don't dwell on people like that.

I'm so sorry though this hurts.

I would echo what others have said, it's not a 'you' problem it's a 'her' problem. I also have experience of a befriender then ditcher. This woman in the 20 years I have known her has form for choosing a new best bud, spending all her time with them, then moving on. I can count 5 people she has done this too. Not worth investing the time and energy

It's not pronounced dick, it's Keeeeeen ya

@billy1966 love your posts

Thank you🙏.

The whole Keeeenya thing reminds me of my expat years and my friend who spent years there in as a child and our shared love of "sundowners"...

Guy who it was named after was Kenyatta so Kenya is correct.

Well, no, it's been Kenya since at least 1920 and was named after Mount Kenya. The pronunciation changed after independence in honour of Kenyatta.

Jomo Kenyatta's real name was Kamau Muigai and mount Kenya is so named because the Europeans couldn't get their tongues round the Kikuyu word Kirinyaga.

Well, now I'm confused...

Where did the pronunciation of Keen-ya come from?

Kirinyaga doesn't seem like a tongue twister, is it still used? Should we be moving from Kenya/Keen-ya to Kirinyaga?

FFS
It isnt.

That transactional stuff makes a dwindled friendship of mine make mucho sense @Libraryloiterer and I thank you kindly. In my case, a friend who often tried to school me on things and make me feel ever so slightly rubbish. She loved being a helper and was happiest when seen to be rescuing or caring. When she asked me why we were drifting and I explained some things that had made me feel bad, she told me she needed me to be there to follow as an example for raising her child (she didn't, she had already had one before I had) - essentially putting me in the position she valued so much, to try and keep me. I just wanted a mate on equal footing, no competition. I see her as a gentle narc - I don't think she was world domination level narc but she chipped away at me ever so subtly over time until, like OP, I was anxious any time she wanted to see me. Love a new lens. Appreciated!

(Just totally ignoring all the Kenya chat there soz, I hadn't got that far yet!)

Kirinyaga to ki ri nya ga pronounced keenya by the colonists. Kenyatta had it changed to Kenya.
My husband is Kikuyu and me and our children are dual nationals. His family were part of the mau-mau.

I know all this is completely irrelevant to the thread, sorry. 😁

But while I'm derailing I've got to slip in my favourite Kenyatta quote.

When the missionaries arrived, the Africans had the land and the missionaries had the Bible. They taught us how to pray with our eyes closed. When we opened them, they had the land and we had the bible.

Even less relevant, but I think this thread might embody what I love about Mumsnet; a thread asking "Why do my friend and I no longer get on?" now encompasses emotional support, practical advice, an explanation of transactional analysis and (relevant) details of the history of Kenya. I love the breadth of knowledge you get here :)

Don’t be embarrassed, at all. This is her awkward transference. She’s having a bad time and wants you to feel uncomfortable too.

You sound modest. Whatever your/DHs achievements of the last few years are, they’re obviously good news. But she has less good news.

And when posh people are losing their status they fall back on Posh (Keenya FFS). I

Maybe you will find out more from the mutual casual friend? It sounds as though she might have plenty to say.

Wow, I found your explanation here really helpful. A gentle narc is a really good explanation too, I think there are a lot of them around! Thanks for that.

Super interesting, thank you! I know so little African history, its embarrassing...How do the Kikiyu prefer people pronounce it, Ken-ya?

@coffeeisthebest I read something a while back about the kind of narc who makes caring their whole thing, it's how they get their accolades. I've met two. The other was someone at work who was genuinely vicious to me when nobody was around. She hounded 3 young women out of the same work place. Deranged. She worked her way into several important staff members' lives, holidaying together, babysitting etc - they're partic dangerous if they are a combo of caring and nasty because those they use as holds to stay in power often have need of them, in practical terms, so when you tell them what's happening it causes inconvenience to them to do anything, plus, they seem so nice to them. Never been ashamed of running from that one. My friend wasn't (this will sound bad, but it's true) clever/sly enough to do that. She let the mask slip often when she realised I was her equal in things, showing disappointment, etc. She has lost several friendships over the years, and had issues at work. I really think she has a blind spot to how obvious she becomes over time. It used to make me angry (internally) but I got my head straight, laid it all out so I could see what was going on, and just tried to be kind as I wound it down. I don't miss her but it does pain me to know she probably feels hurt.

Yes, ken-ya.