Close friendship turning totally toxic

[Smallblessings2]

NC for this as it is very outing.

I have a very good friend of 15yrs and up until the last nine months or so it was a supportive, enjoyable and comfortable friendship.

Last year she turned 40 and had a small party, despite being close she did not invite me. I questioned this at the time and she said it was a hobby group that had organised it for her.
She went on a trip of a life time afterwards with her dh and dc and I bought her a lovely gift and suggested we celebrate later in the year, all fine.

I later found out the party was much bigger than she expected/told me - all family invited too and other friends well beyond the hobby group but many friends were not invited. I was a bit sad not to share it with her, but accepted it is what it is.

Since then we have been meeting up, I have had a busy few months with work so not as often as usual. and she has been really different towards me since her 40th and I have no idea why.

It feels like she always trying to be one better now, she casually put me down a few times, criticised my dh and even corrected how I pronounced a word! Still hasn’t thanked me for her birthday present (it was an expensive and thoughtful gift) so that surprised me and I feel confused by her behaviour.

Each time I have seen her lately I have come away feeling really bad about myself and oddly ‘lonely’ which is not something I usually feel when I see good friends. I mentioned last night that things feel different between us at the moment, and tried to discuss it with her but she waved it away and dismissed it out of hand.

We ran into a mutual casual friend last night unexpectedly in the same place and it was oddly awkward for no good reason. Like a tonne of stuff that felt unsaid. My friend made a point of saying she hasn’t seen that much of me to the other friend which was so odd and weird to mention that. There was a low level tension.

What is going on here?
Can anyone shine a light on this kind of behaviour?

I am feeling increasingly uncomfortable with her, she won’t discuss it and I don’t want to overreact by dropping a long term, once lovely friendship, but I am finding that spending time with her is having a negative impact on me. It makes me feel worse not better, and her remarks make me feel unsure of myself and my life. I am usually an easy going laid back person and have no idea what I should do in this situation.

WWYD?

You sound like a lovely friend OP.

I think you need to gradually withdraw. For whatever reason, she has changed and her behaviour is appalling upsetting you.

Put yourself first now. The reason will eventually filter down to you I expect but I'm with PPs that say she has been less than pleasant about you to the other friends which would be the cause of the 'rabbit in the headlights' moment.

I haven’t really wanted to go there with considering her gossiping about me, but there was no getting away from that very very uncomfortable and uncharacteristic encounter with casual friend.

There was a hard, questioning look in the CFs eye as she kind of appraised my friend. Weighing up her words. Calculating what to say almost. I was quite curious watching it, because it was so loaded. So yes, if they were all at some dinner party and df was talking about me, then it is likely this would play out in this way. I don’t know casual friend well, just an acquaintance I see occasionally.

I wonder if the MCF would be prepared to elaborate on that 'weird' conversation - if only to clarify that you are being gaslighted - particularly if other people have been treated similarly. If so then this friend is gaining form for this kind of behaviour.
It is upsetting to be treated in this way but the world is your oyster you are doing well professionally and things are going well at home - she probably can't handle the changes in your 'friend' dynamic and this is her way of dealing with it.

"wwyd?"

I'd just walk away.
Life is too short to waste time on people who make you feel like shit.

It's just not worth it.

Some friendships just run their course, and we don't always know why ourselves/get answers from others - I'd be inclined to accept that this one is not really adding anything to your life, and move on with things that do bring you joy. You could ask if there is anything specific that she feels you've done/have happened which is/are bothering her, but that could end up leaving you even more frustrated if she isn't willing to talk (which is her choice). Good luck whatever you choose to do.

I pronounce it the same way as you because I am not a member of the Royal Family.

It sounds like she has fallen out with other people too - going by the interaction with the casual friend?

Understood. I had heard a few people from Kenya (older Asian Kenyan immigrants to the UK) pronounce it as Keen-ya, but I wasn’t aware of the colonial and racist undertones.

My first thought was that there’s some aspect of your life that she’s jealous of. Maybe more than one.
Could that be the case?

Honesty, you sound nice, kind, sensible and...adult. She sounds like she is caught up in some image she is trying to cultivate with her new hobby group. I'm sorry for whatever reason she does not see you as fitting into the image she has for her want-to-be self. Of course her face lights up when she sees you - you know her well and like her / care about her. But she has clearly is interested in a more superficial agenda for some reason. I think you need to pull away from her - if she really wants this friendship she will work hard to maintain it.
But really - not inviting you to her important birthday after all these years of friendship....is such a telling sign. If I had such a good friend I would shift my important birthday party date to a date they could go even if it was months after my actual birthday because good friends are the family you choose.
You sound nice - invest in friends who appreciate you.

The RF say Kenya- except Prince Philip used to say Keenya I believe

I'm in a not dissimilar situation. In this case someone I'd worked closely with and regarded as a friend turned totally against me. We went from (as I believed) close friends to her actively working against me and spreading lies.

Looking back, I think it was always there, but it worked for her to pretend we were close. There were several things which I marked down at the time as her trying to be helpful, thought I'd meant something different, didn't realise etc. Really petty things like I'd mention to her that someone was coming in to see me, often I'd say that I was really pleased to meet them or similar, and I was going to show them round-she'd make sure she was outside, and greet them before they got in the building and show them round, then tell me she'd done it. If I said anything she'd be "oh I thought you were busy/wanted me to etc.

I can now see that she is only friendly to people she thinks she can use to get acclaim and is really a bully at heart. I'm not the only one she's treated like this. If anyone ever calls her out she blames it on mental health/menopause.

She doesn't even say "hello" to me-unless there's someone she wants to impress in the room in which case I get the sugary OTT treatment. She's quite capable of coming into the room and saying "hello A, hello B, hello C" to the other three people. Because people move around a lot people tend to assume that was a mistake but it's consistently done.

Drop her. Even if she changed her attitude tomorrow, the uncertainty would always be there. You need radiators, not drains as someone once advised me.

So she’s from a privileged background, living an ordinary life but getting worse around the milestone of becoming 40. I’d be inclined to think she’s angry that her life isn’t where she expected it to be at that point. Perhaps she’s taking it out on you. I would probably let the friendship cool and get some distance from her.

Your friends shouldn’t make you feel low and I think this has turned into an unhealthy friendship. Having the courage to walk away from situations like this can be hard but you will be better off for it.

Off topic, but I thought by "dych" you meant "dick" in a scouse accent 😂

Feel for you OP! A know your worth situation I think

@pinkdelight if it "amused" you to correct them and you were "fun about it", I wouldn't assume they weren't offended. I might well be offended if someone joked about how I speak, even if I didn't show it

But, if said with kindness, genuinely intended to be helpful, I think it's ok

Reading all your posts, OP, it sounds to me as though she's told people in her circle she is no longer friends with you/doesn't have anything in common/has cut you out so seeing you together was a shock to MF. She's using you now, only seeing you on her terms and ignoring you for the important stuff like milestone birthdays. I would withdraw and concentrate on friends who don't slag you off behind your back, which is clearly what she's been doing.

I think I'd be letting this friendship go. I'd get the vibe she had been talking badly about me to others.

This whole thread has been so interesting to read, and thank you for every single post. I read them all even if I couldn’t reply to each one.

The friendship dynamic has changed.
I am not sure it will work, or will ever work as it did. I will leave it on the back burner for now and see what happens. Neither investing or closing it down.

I am now aware she may be talking about me behind my back, given the exchange with CMF I trust my instincts on that, whatever happened was not positive. I will be much more wary but I am not planning on spending time with her for a while anyway.

The party in hindsight hurt me more than I perhaps thought, and highlighted our different priorities.

I have some good friends that would never do this, so my time is probably better spent with them, and I can stop feeling worried/compromised and start to relax and enjoy my other friendships more fully. I appreciate them more because there is no game playing. Just straight forward, trusting solid friendships.

AND I can say KEN-YA to my hearts content! 😅

I don’t think you need to drop her, just distance yourself and be less available. She may come running if you do that, if she values the friendship, and you can decide how you want to play it. But if she doesn’t you know where you stand.

It sounds as if she has taken you for granted and has prioritised shmoozing other people.

I think you have the measure of this situation and that is half the battle but the hard part is doing the (ongoing) emotional work to reframe the friendship. Time will help to a degree. I could have written your post myself two years ago and I'm still feeling my way, both of us being in the same village, and with major social overlaps, it's not easy. Good luck, you sound very balanced and fair minded about it all. To my mind, she has lost a good mate.

Good advice.

Xpost with OP - that all sounds very sensible.

I didn’t get the impression from what you said about MCF that they’d necessarily been talking about you - it sounded like it was more of a thing between them. I inferred from her protestation that she doesn’t see you very often that she may have had an arrangement to see MCF and had binned her off to see you, or she’d told her she was doing something else and got caught in a lie. That would explain the awkwardness. The fact MCF brought up other people DF had fallen out with - it’s quite an odd thing to raise when you’ve randomly bumped into someone - perhaps DF has form for not inviting/lying/dicking people around and these other friends are over it and maybe MCF too.

exactly.

You have taken the last few years to improve your situation. She has not. And so through no fault of your own, you make her feel bad about herself And now she is making you feel bad about yourself in some kind of childish (probably unconscious) retaliation.

I think you probably should just leave her to it. No scenes or confrontation.

Maybe you'll be able to pick up again when she's worked through whatever self image problem she's grappling with. Or maybe not.

Really interesting and thoughtful thread. I found it so useful thinking through my own friendships! My thanks to the OP and all the posters for sharing this all too common experience!