Close friendship turning totally toxic

[Smallblessings2]

NC for this as it is very outing.

I have a very good friend of 15yrs and up until the last nine months or so it was a supportive, enjoyable and comfortable friendship.

Last year she turned 40 and had a small party, despite being close she did not invite me. I questioned this at the time and she said it was a hobby group that had organised it for her.
She went on a trip of a life time afterwards with her dh and dc and I bought her a lovely gift and suggested we celebrate later in the year, all fine.

I later found out the party was much bigger than she expected/told me - all family invited too and other friends well beyond the hobby group but many friends were not invited. I was a bit sad not to share it with her, but accepted it is what it is.

Since then we have been meeting up, I have had a busy few months with work so not as often as usual. and she has been really different towards me since her 40th and I have no idea why.

It feels like she always trying to be one better now, she casually put me down a few times, criticised my dh and even corrected how I pronounced a word! Still hasn’t thanked me for her birthday present (it was an expensive and thoughtful gift) so that surprised me and I feel confused by her behaviour.

Each time I have seen her lately I have come away feeling really bad about myself and oddly ‘lonely’ which is not something I usually feel when I see good friends. I mentioned last night that things feel different between us at the moment, and tried to discuss it with her but she waved it away and dismissed it out of hand.

We ran into a mutual casual friend last night unexpectedly in the same place and it was oddly awkward for no good reason. Like a tonne of stuff that felt unsaid. My friend made a point of saying she hasn’t seen that much of me to the other friend which was so odd and weird to mention that. There was a low level tension.

What is going on here?
Can anyone shine a light on this kind of behaviour?

I am feeling increasingly uncomfortable with her, she won’t discuss it and I don’t want to overreact by dropping a long term, once lovely friendship, but I am finding that spending time with her is having a negative impact on me. It makes me feel worse not better, and her remarks make me feel unsure of myself and my life. I am usually an easy going laid back person and have no idea what I should do in this situation.

WWYD?

I’ve learned in life that friends, even best ones you’ve known for years can have a nasty habit of turning, being jealous, holding hidden grudges etc. and no matter how nicely you’ve treated them too.

This is why with my friends now, we always thrash out issues. If there are any. Otherwise, I don’t bother. Yeah don’t get me wrong I have “fun” friends but at least you/they know where you are with them.

Long time friendships go through times when you are closer and times when you are less close. As you have so much history together, I wouldn't rush into anything. Just let the relationship slide for a bit, don't see so much of each other. In a while, things may return to what you had previously.

I would force her to discuss it. Awkward yes but I don’t get the MN thinking of just leave it
Next time you meet, get serious. “We need to have a conversation”

It’s awkward but I’d distance myself. If the families ask questions say you’re not prepared to play second fiddle and be treated like an option. They’ll either understand or they won’t.

You don't need to do anything

Do you think her hobby group are a bunch of snobs and she prefers their company and you are now relegated to being a quaint old chum from the past?

Shes clearly been slagging you off to the friend you bumped into, or you've upset that friend somehow. The way she acted was like she had been caught out hanging out with you and was trying to explain it.

Just dump her

do you have any mutual friends you can ask? Somebody you trust to tell you if there was an issue or something that has caused her to take offence?
Otherwise I think there isnt a lot you can do. Sounds like she has made the decision to distance herself, you’ve asked why, she’s chosen to not really engage on it, and you can’t force an explanation she isn’t interested in giving.
People change and not always for the better. As PP mentioned maybe she is resentful of something in your life or going through something that has made her bitter and difficult.
I’d leave her to it but not burn any bridges and just see what time does.
it’s horrible when this happens but it’s not uncommon and probably not actually anything you caused.

Thank you for your posts, it’s giving me a lot to think about.

There is one thing that has changed a bit if I am honest, and it’s me. In the past I was happy to play the ‘junior role’ in the friendship, as I had moved into the local area and she took me under her wing. I was not the most confident, and a massive people pleaser ten years ago.

I have grown into myself a little more since hitting 40. I got a big promotion, learnt to be proud of my achievements rather than hide them all of the time, not in a showy way but at least talk about what’s important to me. I suppose I have gained some confidence. I have always been a huge support of her successes but it was one way for a very long time in that respect because I didn’t speak of my own often/ever. She is used to being the successful confident one, I am perhaps the apprentice or used to be.

I agree with this

On MN, friendships veer from "best friends forever" to "cut her off and never speak again"

IRL, it's more nuanced and friendships wax and wane

Possibly. It could well be that she gets more exciting invitees or whatever. I somehow thought we were stronger than that. Maybe not.

You don’t need to be dramatic and never see her again. Just be a bit less available and see her less frequently. Maybe only see her in a group setting for a while. Either it will blow over & get back to normal or you’ll drift apart.

The only thing that is a bit odd is when you said you’d met a mutual friend together & she was a bit weird. Have you fallen out with someone else who’s trying to get her to take sides? Could someone (her?) have been bad-mouthing you? Could you ask the mutual friend if they’ve heard anything?

Bin her off. You've tried to broach it with her and she has dismissed you. Nothing more you can do. Don't waste anymore precious time on her.

Agree. I’ve seen plenty on here boast of having no friends or enjoying cancelling social events. So it depends who you talk to.

I recently had a difficult conversation with a long-standing friend and it was definitely worth it.

Don't do anything. This is not a problem you can fix. You've expressed your concern as a good friend might and had it turned back on you. She's not arsed to preserve the friendship.

It's hurtful, baffling, crazy-making so I understand your confusion and grief and wanting to find resolution...but I don't think it's worth putting yourself in a lowly position for, trying to repair damage you haven't inflicted and still meeting up with her at her behest.
She left you out of an important celebration that you would traditionally share. When you asked her why, she reacted as though you had the problem. It's not good, it's not kind and it's not something you should continue to strive for. You've done all you reasonably can. You may never know why.
So sorry. x

..and ultimately, although she may not be honest or may try to gaslight etc, you aren’t a mind reader and only she can explain her actions. Don’t assume. Ask.

The mutual casual friend has no issue with me, that’s definitely not it. I hardly ever see her anywhere.
But she was staring with quite a look on her face at my friend, it felt like she was weighing up what to say and my friend who then came out with the comment about hardly seeing me and was uncharacteristically flustered.

The MCF then said one or two things to my friend about other people she had supposedly fallen out with, which was really strange and my friend was quick to say it was all repaired. They were talking about someone I didn’t know. MCF and my friend looked uncomfortable with each other before she went back to her table.

I can’t imagine my friend talking about me, but IF she has it would offer a possible answer to why she is behaving so poorly.

Some friendships come and go as you outgrow each other. Who knows why she's acting like this ? It could be a million reasons.

If you really wanted to slavage it why not turn it back around, say I've been feeling a bit confused and hurt why I wasn't invited to your 40th and why my gift wasn't acknowledged? That way you're asking about a specific event that she can't wriggle out of.

I agree with sonja. You've tried the grown up option of speaking to her about it and she wouldn't open up. Take a step back for a while. Be unavailable. See if some distance makes her appreciate your friendship more.

This is definitely a "you can't control what other people do but you can control how you respond to it" kind of situation. You have tried talking to her about it and for whatever reason she won't have the conversation. Now all you can do is behave in a way that makes you more comfortable. If you come away from interactions with her feeling lonely and sad, then maybe you need to just step away for a while. Nothing dramatic, just prioritising other friendships and people who give you the reciprocal kind of relationship you want. Her reaction to that will tell you what you need to know.

I do agree that all relationships have their ups and downs. My oldest friend and I have very different lifestyles and we haven't always been able to prioritise our friendship in the way we needed from one another. We found other people (who we love) to fill the gaps and that's good. Our friendship has absolutely changed and if you looked at who we spend most of our time with, who we communicate with on a day to day basis and who we spend special occasions with, you might think we have relegated each other to lower tier friends. But accepting that we are very different people with very different friendship needs has actually made our relationship stronger. There is deeper love and respect. But fundamentally that love and respect was there to begin with. If you honestly feel like you and your friend have a fundamental level of love and respect then give it time and space.

Fundamentally it does boil down to that. Thank you for highlighting it so clearly.

We didn’t end up sharing her special milestone. I was respectful of that at the time but if she had really wanted me there, I would have been invited regardless of who was organising it. As painful as that is to acknowledge, it would have been inconceivable to imagine missing each others birthdays before. And yet it has happened.

Her behaviour since has been poor, her dismissal of any conversation around it has been very hurtful. I guess she doesn’t want to talk about why she made that decision around her birthday, so she skirts around it and avoids it. Maybe my gift just eats at her conscience as it was such a meaningful gesture that she would have loved.

And yet she still pursues the friendship and expects it to remain the same?!

Accept the relationship has changed for your own peace of mind but do nothing. Leave it all in her court - if she does make some effort don't put up with any snotty remarks.

Oh it's probably just this then. She obviously preferred the old dynamic.

Is she trying to live up to people in her hobby group or other new friends. I had this with a friend and found it very irritating.

I realised a few years ago that after seeing a certain friend I always felt miserable, inadequate and irritated. Stopping seeing her was the best thing I ever did. When you see a friend you should laugh, feel close to them and feel warm and good after and this is definitely not happening. Step back and stop contacting them. Let THEM worry about what they have done wrong.