Close friendship turning totally toxic

[Smallblessings2]

NC for this as it is very outing.

I have a very good friend of 15yrs and up until the last nine months or so it was a supportive, enjoyable and comfortable friendship.

Last year she turned 40 and had a small party, despite being close she did not invite me. I questioned this at the time and she said it was a hobby group that had organised it for her.
She went on a trip of a life time afterwards with her dh and dc and I bought her a lovely gift and suggested we celebrate later in the year, all fine.

I later found out the party was much bigger than she expected/told me - all family invited too and other friends well beyond the hobby group but many friends were not invited. I was a bit sad not to share it with her, but accepted it is what it is.

Since then we have been meeting up, I have had a busy few months with work so not as often as usual. and she has been really different towards me since her 40th and I have no idea why.

It feels like she always trying to be one better now, she casually put me down a few times, criticised my dh and even corrected how I pronounced a word! Still hasn’t thanked me for her birthday present (it was an expensive and thoughtful gift) so that surprised me and I feel confused by her behaviour.

Each time I have seen her lately I have come away feeling really bad about myself and oddly ‘lonely’ which is not something I usually feel when I see good friends. I mentioned last night that things feel different between us at the moment, and tried to discuss it with her but she waved it away and dismissed it out of hand.

We ran into a mutual casual friend last night unexpectedly in the same place and it was oddly awkward for no good reason. Like a tonne of stuff that felt unsaid. My friend made a point of saying she hasn’t seen that much of me to the other friend which was so odd and weird to mention that. There was a low level tension.

What is going on here?
Can anyone shine a light on this kind of behaviour?

I am feeling increasingly uncomfortable with her, she won’t discuss it and I don’t want to overreact by dropping a long term, once lovely friendship, but I am finding that spending time with her is having a negative impact on me. It makes me feel worse not better, and her remarks make me feel unsure of myself and my life. I am usually an easy going laid back person and have no idea what I should do in this situation.

WWYD?

I am not sure it is just that, I have to acknowledge I have changed too.

No longer the new kid on the block, I have my own social groups, contacts etc and perhaps there has been a subtle change in the dynamics that I considered to be healthier for us - I am more of an equal these days - and maybe that doesn’t really sit well with her I am not sure. Her put downs seem designed to keep me in my place, or at least that’s how it seemed to me.

Quite possibly. They are a glamorous crowd. Not really my cup of tea, but we get along fine when mixing but it’s definitely her kind of thing and I have always been happy for her. As she has gained a great deal from being part of it, and we talk about it a lot.

I have experience of this and it floored me.

in the end the “issue” was a non issue misunderstanding but she had been so hurt by it and went totally passive aggressive “still mates” but also definitely not mates that I lost a lot of my confidence. It all came out in the end but I let that friendship go after trying to ask her about it. She would not discuss it all all and pretended all was well when it really wasn’t. I felt like I was losing my mind.

Its taken time but now she’s not mates with anyone really and had shown her lard to be a paranoid and manipulative person who is very intense and love bomby and then gets all bent out of shape over nothing. Very very odd and as it turns out she has left a wake of people in her past who she has behaved similarly too.

So my strong advice to you is to really really let her go and if she cares at all she will address it with you. But

pressed post too soon-

but you must find a way to accept that this friendship has changed and be strong and distanced from it.

Seems like all the answers are in your posts, OP:

• you’ve gone from hiding your light under a bushel to being a more confident, successful woman
• she hasn’t had a similar trajectory and has gone from a privileged background to a more modest living
• she has been talking to other friends about falling out with people, and given her awkwardness with MCF and you, she may have told them she hasn’t invited you and others because you have fallen out
• she criticises you because she is threatened by your success
• she still wants to keep you as a friend because you are very generous, but sidelined from her hobby friends so you don’t threaten her territory

And yet she still pursues the friendship and expects it to remain the same?!

I think she's started to feel awkward toward you because you're no longer the 'inferior' in the relationship but is not self-aware enough to know that's what's going on. My guess is she has been bitching about you to mutual casual friend, telling her the story she's been telling herself, which may be that you've become very full of yourself now that you've got a fancy new job, showing off with the gift you gave her, perhaps.

She's mad at you but she doesn't recognise why (her own insecurity).

She probably still needs the security of the friendship, and wants to act like nothing has changed because that allows her to disavow her uncomfortable feelings about your success and her poor behaviour. "What do you mean things have changed? Didn't I call you up last week for a catch-up? You're being very strange about this." If the friendship continues on, albeit awkwardly, there's no bust-up to have to explain to mutual friends, and she has a better chance of you remaining silent about her behaviour out of loyalty. If she drops the friendship, you might start talking about it to mutual friends, and then she'll look bad.

Cut her loose. Give her the same energy as she gives you, which seems to be low. She’s no friend if she’s making you feel bad. Things change and it’s hard especially as there’s no apparent reason. You deserve a better friend.

I’ve had a similar experience with a long standing friend. I was surprised by a cool attitude. I was also leaving meetings with her feeling pretty negative.
I decided to let her contact me and she didn’t. On paper, we’ve never had a disagreement but I don’t see her any more and I’m happy with that.

I agree.

I think you give her too much agency, put her on the spot.

Start asking her direct questions.

’I was really upset not to be invited, you said your hobby group arranged it, but all your family and other friends were there too so you decided the guest list. Why wasn’t I on it? And why haven’t you acknowledged my gift?’

You’re letting her have everything all her own way.

Or another option is to phase her out.

You’ve had good advice on here OP and I’ve been in a similar situation. From what you’ve said this is a her problem, not a you problem and I’d let contact just slide a little.

Elizabeth Day’s friendaholic book is a good read on this sort of thing, and I think she covers it on her podcasts.

The other thing I thought of is if you have come into your own and are more confident etc is that her husband has remarked upon it, probably in all innocence -

'Smallblessings2 is looking well these days.'

And your friend has had a flash of jealousy and she's taken it as a slight against herself and is off with you. Hence you not being invited to the party where you would be dressed up.

Sadly some women feel threatened by other women even if there is no really threat and it's just their own insecurities that make feel jealous and resentful.

Can you arrange for a coffee Smallblessings2 with the mutual friend you both bumped into, and find out more ?

Have you got a new partner, who perhaps she doesn’t like?

I am sorry that happened to you. It sounds really unhealthy and stressful. It sounds like she was gaslighting you and deliberately creating fog and fear.

Yes, that’s pretty much how I feel too, confused, stonewalled and at a total loss as to how to handle it. I have tried every way possible to resolve it directly, and now I think she is going firmly on the back burner.

I don’t want to feel so crap every time I see her and not know why. I won’t have her putting dh down over a certain way he dresses?! He was working on the garden at the time, but it sounded so bloody judgemental.

I can do without the weirdness and the tension, all unexplained.

I have other strong friendships that leave me with a feeling of lightness and contentment, a feeling of being valued, cared for and really understood, and at times outrageously funny nights that carry me through my working week. My friendship with df is in stark contrast to my other friends. Thank you for helping me work through it. As I wondered if it might be me.

Just let it fizzle out, OP.

It's not your responsibility to tell a grown woman how to behave.

So this was a massively telling response. Listen to what she is saying to you. Any issues you have in your relationship are all created by you and nothing to do with her. She didn't invite you to a party to celebrate herself as you weren't on her invite list. She has done the other stuff because you asked, who would comfortably turn down a godparent invite? and now she it trying to tell you without words that she values this relationship less than you. She still wants something from you as she still wants to meet up but perhaps it isn't what you thought you had. I would imagine this is heartily painful OP. She isn't the friend you thought. Do take in what she is saying tho.

In a nutshell yes, all of that.

I am not crazily successful or anything but just in a better place than when we first met. I completed a masters and really found my feet, nothing sensational. I am definitely held separately from the group. She barely ever mixes the two.

This happened to me; came away feeling rubbish about myself (DH too as it was a couple).

They turned out to be huge social climbers and we no longer had anything to offer them. They had new better friends although they still tried to meet up but we felt as though we’d been put in a little box - no longer good enough to be invited out for dinner etc. They also were gossiping about us behind our backs to others.

18 months of mind games before we cut ties and although it was sad, they weren’t who they sad they were. Life is much happier now.

Reasonable people will always explore the possibility that it's them at fault, unreasonable people will make sure it's not.

You sound like a well balanced and intelligent person OP. Have fun. x

When you see her you come away feeling unhappy.

why continue to punish yourself like this?

be unavailable when she asks to meet up. take long et to respond to her messages etc.

let her drift away, if she only drags you down, why put yourself through that? What does she have to do for you step away?

.

That is really rubbish when you considered them to be good friends. A huge let down.

That profile fits, as her dh needs to network heavily professionally to do well, and as a couple they used to be a ‘power’ couple. Not so much now, but maybe they still hanker to be. I served a purpose - more than a few - on reflection I have been a massive support to her and their business interests because of my dh’s profession. We have shared a lot over the years, the full works of life, I assumed we were way beyond the superficial but maybe I was sorely mistaken and have been played and used.

I agree with both of these. Put a bit of emotional distance between you and see where you are in a few months. You don't need to seek a "big" conversation as I suspect it wouldn't lead to the resolution/understanding you are looking for.

Side issue, but is it wrong to correct people when they mispronounce a word? I corrected someone recently a couple of times when they kept saying a word wrong. It amused me and I was fun about it so they weren't offended, but I had no idea it was some kind of no-no. Are you just meant to let people sound daft saying it wrong forever?

@Smallblessings2 ..She's no friend to you now. Not by her actions.

Someone that acts like that sees you as a 'threat' , somehow?

I knew someone like that once- it was exhausting.