To be upset she changed her mind?

[Primgo]

I'm really confused over if I'm being completely unreasonable to be upset about this.

I basically got into quite bad financial trouble because I owned my own business for many years but got seriously ill and went out of business while I was ill.

I ended up unable to pay rent etc so I have been staying with people for about a year.

All this was very hard to cope with. I'd always done well and losing everything while being so ill was hard and I still feel completely depressed all the time.

To cut a very long story short, my sister (very happily) agreed to help me out by being a guarantaur on a loan to help me sort out the various problems.

Not a huge loan by her standards as she's very wealthy.

On the day due to sign the papers, she changed her mind.

I'd arranged everything around the understanding she was doing this and now I'm completely screwed and whatever problems I had before are now 10 x worse.

I wish she'd just said no to begin with rather than waiting until the day to do it.

She wasn't apologetic, she was sort of mean about it. Judgemental. And I just feel incredibly let down.

Am I being unreasonable here? I know nobody owes you to guarantee a loan, but I just feel absolutely bereft and panicked.

@Primgo on a practical point I'm not sure if you have checked into things that may help longer term. I'm not sure what you were I'll with but I've had neurological issues in the last year post covid and I'm lucky my H is fine and a highish earner or we would be in shit street- so I have sympathy

Have you registered for social housing? And declared your health issues

Do you get all the benefits you are entitled to?

What's the current health situation and are you working at all? Could you work from home even modest amounts?- you sound intelligent

If you can't pay your friend back could you at least set up a regular payment plan and be honest to them about the situation

Be totally up front with your daughter and the Uni, explain that her student loan will need to pay the accommodation cost and she will need to get a job straight away for covering her living expenses- as you have stuff you need to pay off- she knows your situation surely.

I suspect you are really proud and have tried to hide how hard things were too

At least give OP the credit of knowing her own sister. If OP says her sister was mean and judgemental about it, I believe her.

Plus the sister texting OP to say she is being manipulative at a time when OP is under huge stress is just nasty.

Sound advice three months ago.

Anything other than abject apology is inappropriate after letting OP down on the day.

The only excuse I can see is maybe sister didn’t realise that OP would not have moved if the guarantee had not been promised.

If we are stressed we often see things differently equally, if we are trying to garner sympathy with people we will twist things to sound better on us...

I actually think your sisters right. You cannot afford to repay for friend, nor pay for your daughter's accommodation. The answer isn't to borrow it, because you'll owe even more in interest rates. Agree a repayment plan with your friend, and speak to someone at the university about your situation.

Your sister has behaved terribly. She has really pulled the rug from under you at the last second and rather than apologising has gone on the attack. Probably because she is embarrassed by her own actions.

She can afford it on that money. I don't earn anywhere near half of what she does and I'd bloody give my younger sister 6.5K if she had been through what you have and was homeless, and make no mistake, that would mean extending my mortgage term to do it. Should could have loaned you the money herself if she had issues with the loans t and cs.

I think this is a power play and she likes the fact she is now the successful one.

I suspect the sister told the OP why she’d changed her mind, and the reason she has accused the OP of being manipulative is because OP has continued to lay on the guilt, and throw around her bitterness over how much money she believes the sister has despite there being valid reasons why, when the sister laid eyes on the contract, she changed her mind.

DS wasn't sent the contract until she was about to sign...

She saw the contract and said no based on the contract by the looks of it.

Turning around and saying "this isn't what I agreed to. This won't help" is sound advice but could be taken as criticism

NC bc outing but:

Some of this sounds familiar. Family member was ill, lost their well paying job. Gladly helped out lending them some money. Several times. They ended up homeless. Turned out they'd been borrowing money from various family members and friends, saying they were desperate then just paying back Peter from Paul and not paying things that needed paying.

Family members began to say no to lending money because they learnt this.

But if that FM had come online to justify themselves then I'm sure they'd say that family members were berating them and lecturing them when they were just told no because you're not good with it.

I agree with PP that we aren't seeing the whole picture and it makes it hard to judge

I have also experienced very similar. Right down to the ‘well, even if I don’t pay it, it’s nothing to you, is it?’

The drawbridge is up, sorry

Well in the end she lent me personally part of the money.

Her reason for all this is that she researched guarantaur loans and decided they were a bad idea. Which is fine, but she could have said earlier.

She's also made me feel really guilty, like it's been a real burden and like I've put her in a terrible position. Which has made me feel awful and small and ashamed.

I'll pay her back as fast as possible.

Your sister has given you money instead of taking out the risk with the loan. That is more than reasonable, and very sensible for both her and you. You DID put her in a difficult position here, trying to expose her to higher risk than she was comfortable with. You're blaming her for your feelings about having debt, instead of understanding that this contract was genuinely her financial risk to take on - or not. Badly done on your part OP. You should have said thank you and actually been thankful.

I had a feeling she would give you the money. I bet she doesn’t really expect you to pay her back but won’t say that because she wants you to start taking responsibility for your finances. What do all the people who called her vile names think of your sister now? She sounds sensible and I am not surprised that she is wealthy.

This.

You are still making her a bad guy.

But you have put her in a terrible position! She knows if she doesnt lend it to you, your friend wont be able to buy her house and her niece wont be able to go to university. I'm sorry but this thread seems very self centred- you have had help from multiple people and now you've got what you want and you are still complaining about it.

Exactly. Why are you still moaning about how horrible she is? Instead you should be outlining a payment plan and committing to repaying her what you can monthly instead of some vague 'as fast as possible'.

She’s made you feel guilty! How do you think you’ve made her feel? You’ve described yourself as depressed as all time, you owe loads of people money and you think £6.5k is nothing to her so she should give it to you basically. She knows she won’t see that 6.5k again which is why she’s just lent it to you rather than take the risk of 6.5k plus interest.

Well in the end she lent me personally part of the money.

So...that was generous, right? She probably doesn't expect to get it back. Are you grateful or not?

Her reason for all this is that she researched guarantaur loans and decided they were a bad idea. Which is fine, but she could have said earlier.

Is there a reason why she didn't see the contract sooner?

I'm glad she came through for you .
I'm sure you have already set up a payment plan and standing order to her so now just stick to it .
I wouldn't personally over stretch myself on payments but it would be at least what the loan payment would be . I would also try to save a little each month to have something to fall back on .

There is so much more to this than the OP is letting on. I’m wondering what this “illness” was, because I can’t imagine the sister would lack compassion in the face of genuine hardship through an illness OP had no control over. As pp have said, the sister is helping out with money she probably thinks she won’t see again, but she’s still the bad guy in this scenario in OP’s eyes. I imagine the sister is required by the OP to just put up and shut up and to not question anything the OP is doing. Sounds like every ungrateful person I’ve ever helped out. The sort of person who always says they would help without question if roles were reversed - but roles are never, in fact, reversed, because it’s always a one way street.

This is a tough one because she is not obligated to guarantee the loan for you and if she decided she didn't want to do it then that's her prerogative. It is a bit rubbish to leave it to the last minute and it sounds like she was unpleasant about it. Maybe she was being defensive as she felt a bit bad but ultimately it was right of her to pull out if that was what was best for her. It's irrelevant what she has in her bank to be honest.

I'm sorry if this post comes off cross, but you're all being very nasty this morning.

Yes. She does expect me to pay her back. Which of course I was intending.

She gave me a repayment plan that will be almost three times what the loan repayment would have been. A quarter of my wages. Which I now had no choice but to accept due to the timing foisted on me.

Had I known this I wouldn't have rented the bloody house she encouraged me to rent.

No. I don't expect people to help me or lend me money. But if they offer to and I make bug decisions around it, then it's crap to wait until I can't change things to force me into a bad position.

Had I known this I could have waited a few months to rent the house, and paid her back in a couple of months rather than being in a situation where I'll have to struggle to make unaffordable payments for a year.

No, you all were there. But I was encouraged to do all this by her. She persuaded me to take a house. She sent me links. She went to view houses FOR me. When I said I couldn't afford it until I'd been working longer, she offered to help and acted very much like it was no big deal whatsoever.

Then she pulled a complete 180 after it was too late for me to do anything else and made me feel like the bad guy.

And yes. I was very ill. Thank you for your compassion 😠

She gave me a repayment plan that will be almost three times what the loan repayment would have been. A quarter of my wages. Which I now had no choice but to accept due to the timing foisted on me.

People on MN love to play detective and make up their own conclusions, ignore them.

This is outrageous. Have you agreed to this interest in writing (by text?).

My mother did exactly the same some people like just being Billy big balls go around, telling everybody what a hero they are, but actually when it comes to putting them anywhere them overseas they can’t do it.

In my mother’s case, she actually just didn’t have the money that she told everybody she did. And we haven’t spoken since eight years later.