To be upset she changed her mind?

[Primgo]

I'm really confused over if I'm being completely unreasonable to be upset about this.

I basically got into quite bad financial trouble because I owned my own business for many years but got seriously ill and went out of business while I was ill.

I ended up unable to pay rent etc so I have been staying with people for about a year.

All this was very hard to cope with. I'd always done well and losing everything while being so ill was hard and I still feel completely depressed all the time.

To cut a very long story short, my sister (very happily) agreed to help me out by being a guarantaur on a loan to help me sort out the various problems.

Not a huge loan by her standards as she's very wealthy.

On the day due to sign the papers, she changed her mind.

I'd arranged everything around the understanding she was doing this and now I'm completely screwed and whatever problems I had before are now 10 x worse.

I wish she'd just said no to begin with rather than waiting until the day to do it.

She wasn't apologetic, she was sort of mean about it. Judgemental. And I just feel incredibly let down.

Am I being unreasonable here? I know nobody owes you to guarantee a loan, but I just feel absolutely bereft and panicked.

There is so much more to this than the OP is letting on. I’m wondering what this “illness” was, because I can’t imagine the sister would lack compassion in the face of genuine hardship through an illness OP had no control over.

You'd be surprised.

A huge part of some people's own sense of superiority is blaming others for ending up in dire straits due to illness/injury/disability. Ever watched those who support the Tories? The Republicans in the states? They love to blame people who fall upon hard times even when it's through no fault of their own. An illness or serious injury can bankrupt you and destroy your future, especially in the states, but it's still your fault if it does according to these people. And some revel in it.

Kindness, sunshine and rainbows doesn't come into it.

She's in a massive mess.
Yeah it's not what she wants to hear but actually all ready she's talking about getting an extra job and facing up to it sensibly.

Blaming others is a trap, a trap that keeps you down and in a powerless, bitter place.

I wish the Op all the best, working this out and paying it off will set you in good stead for the future.if

For those who are still OP-blaming....

And this.

OP's sister is a bitch.

Much like the people I tried to describe above.

Good luck to you OP. I hope you catch a break soon.

Well it is not the sisters fault the op is in this situation, again we only know the op's side in this

No, it's not the sister's fault the OP became ill and lost everything.

But it is the sister's fault for treating the OP as she has, publicly shaming her and essentially revelling in her downfall.

That is not a lot of money for your sister.
She could have even just given you the money full stop. Or given you the money and then you could have made monthly repayments. You are totally entitled to feel upset and before anyone says it's your sister's money, she works hard for it, up to her what she does with it etc etc what about being kind and helping a close loved one. This must be causing an much worry and stress for you.
Could it be her partner is against it or something.
Good luck sorting it yourself O.P and it's sad when we realise some people aren't as kind as we are.

What kind of a sister earns that much money & cannot meaningfully help with a £6500 loan, instead of leading her up the garden path & providing money with so many conditions?

@EarringsandLipstick as I said upthread, in the OP's sister's position, I'd just give her the money & not expect to see it back. As OP tells the story ...

But that doesn't mean that we're hearing all sides of this. And the OP's post in which she expresses unveiled entitlement to her sister's money and unveiled resentment of her sister for earning it, does make me wonder.

Also, it was the OP's responsibility to have income insurance. It's really important if you're self-employed or don't have workplace conditions which don't support extended sick leave.

How do you know it is not a lot of mo et for the sister? She could be I. Debt herself for all we know.

@Primgo I'm wishing you good luck - I've had LC and neuro issues since 2nd covid and 4th vaccine (very close together) I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy - it's not what people think which seems to be a bit of weariness- it's different in everybody but in my case gave me virtually daily migraines , arthritis in neck, weird buzzing in lower legs, muscle weakness - sore eyes- just horrible and it seems very very common. Whether it's covid or vaccine in my case- who knows!! as I said in previous post it's a good job we work for ourselves and my H has been fine or we would have been up shit creek.

My other points still stand as I think you need practical help rather than finger pointing from others not in your situation.

Get yourself on housing list if you arent--

If you are paying your daughters accommodation up front make sure she gives you a certain amount back when she gets her first student loan and sorts a job!! You can't afford to be subbing her

OP, I can’t believe that you are allowing people to call your sister a bitch and other vile names. a sister who by your own admission has helped you out so much - she found a house for you to live in even though you say she forced you to take it on. Well, I am sorry but how did she do that? Are you entirely helpless?

Now she has given you a payment plan that works out at a higher rate than the original loan? How does that work out? Did you owe her money from before? If not why did you take it? Believe it or not there are other ways that you can receive help than relying on your sister.

what makes you think there’s a deep rooted psychological issue at play?

I didn't say there was a 'deep-rooted psychological issue'!

However, behaviour that's so calculatedly cruel is almost certainly linked to childhood dynamics - I've seen it over & over & experienced it

I can't speculate on what specifically the issues are but they are definitely the sister's & not OP's.

It was a horrible thing for the sister to do.

She could easily have helped her sister - I cannot understand someone who could help, intentionally not doing so, in a situation where her sister experienced serious illness & lost her business.

However, in true MN form, I accept it's her right to do so.

What is not acceptable is to make a commitment of such significance, withdraw with no notice & after OP had made financial commitments, and then hold her over a barrel with repayments.

Hell, yes, OP should set out a clear time frame for repayment on her terms, and then keep her sister at arm's length.

has loaned Op the money instead.

Part of the money, and on an unfavourable repayment schedule.

The woman earns 💰💰💰 - it's not necessary.

OP had lost her home, business & health. Her sister couldn't help her more than this????

So awful she has stumped up 6.5K, to pay back a loan and for uni accommodation
I don't think she loaned the full amount, unless I've missed this? (I may have).

Absolutely this. It's awful but very prevalent.

Blaming others is a trap, a trap that keeps you down and in a powerless, bitter place.
JFC.

She's not blaming everything that has happened to her on her sister.
She is rightly upset about her sister's lack of support, and cruel exacerbation of the situation.

again we only know the op's side in this

True. Like we only ever know the OP's side in every thread here.

But based on the information OP has provided, her sister has behaved horribly.

OP has set out circumstances that are deeply unfortunate but clear - she has been through an awful time.

And the OP's post in which she expresses unveiled entitlement to her sister's money and unveiled resentment of her sister for earning it, does make me wonder.

@SideWonder

I may have missed it but where does OP do this?

She earns £220k pa. One monthly bonus was the amount of OP's debt.

Why do posters want to reach for implausible excuses?

Is it really that hard to find a property (that wasn't in OP's price range) and send a link and dismiss any concerns with "you'll be fine, go ahead and do it , I'll be your guarantor."?

I mean half of MN trawls rightmove tupe websites as a hobby. You might not think the sister has behaved badly but there's no need to exaggerate her "efforts". She found a property for rent and sent a link.

What an unthinking as well as unkind post.

Are you unable to fathom how problematic OP's situation is, with few options available?

I wouldn't lend you the money. She shouldn't have said yes in the first place. It doesn't matter how much she earns, that's none of your business

The sister’s principal “crime” is persuading the OP to take a rental. However, the OP says herself she needed an address to square off her debts, and didn’t want to do this from temporary homes.

So I needed a home for my daughter more than myself, but also I haven't been able to sort much with debtors because I didn't have an address! I didn't feel able to use someone else's address for debtors in case I impacted them.

I assume she wouldn’t have been able to get the guarantor loan without an address either. So how has the sister persuading OP to get a roof over her head made things materially worse?

I quoted it upthread.