To be upset she changed her mind?

[Primgo]

I'm really confused over if I'm being completely unreasonable to be upset about this.

I basically got into quite bad financial trouble because I owned my own business for many years but got seriously ill and went out of business while I was ill.

I ended up unable to pay rent etc so I have been staying with people for about a year.

All this was very hard to cope with. I'd always done well and losing everything while being so ill was hard and I still feel completely depressed all the time.

To cut a very long story short, my sister (very happily) agreed to help me out by being a guarantaur on a loan to help me sort out the various problems.

Not a huge loan by her standards as she's very wealthy.

On the day due to sign the papers, she changed her mind.

I'd arranged everything around the understanding she was doing this and now I'm completely screwed and whatever problems I had before are now 10 x worse.

I wish she'd just said no to begin with rather than waiting until the day to do it.

She wasn't apologetic, she was sort of mean about it. Judgemental. And I just feel incredibly let down.

Am I being unreasonable here? I know nobody owes you to guarantee a loan, but I just feel absolutely bereft and panicked.

Why on earth did it take you 3 months to send the contract? Sounds like she looked at it, read the small print and decided not a hope in hell. All was ok until the contract.
It feels like you are so flippant about her money. All this she wouldn’t miss it if I defaulted, it’s less than her bonus, she earns loads etc etc. Nah don’t like that attitude. You are borrowing from from a lending institution with probable very high interest rates and repercussions for her if you can’t manage it to pay back some other friend you borrowed from so she can buy a house? That’s madness. You waited 3 MONTHS to send her the contact which rings alarm bells for me, were you hoping she would barely scan it and just sign? I’d imagine the interest rates are dire given your recent and current financial position.
I think blaming your sister for your money woes is wrong. You should have sent the contract and it’s potential consequences ages ago, let her read it and sign it if she was happy and THEN told your friend you were paying her back. You did it arse about face.

Excellent advice!

Horrible thing for her to do. If she had objections, she should have been open about them from the get-go. I'm not sure I could get past it, and in your shoes, would rapidly revise my assumption that it was a close relationship.

Agree with this.

I wouldn't want to be around someone who would so easily cause me such upset.

This would irrevocable change my view and I most definitely be spelling out to her that what she has done has really messed me about.

Then completely step away.

Good family do not behave like this.

And if someone posted that their DP had said they would go guarantor on a loan for their sibling who had:

Lost their home
lost their business
been living rent-free for a year and still couldn’t afford to pay for things.
was considered a bad credit risk.

They would be told unanimously that their dp was in the wrong to risk their credit, and family money for this.

It’s very sad that the OP has been ill. But the reality is that if her health is such that she’s ended up in that kind of debt, then it likely could regress to a state where the sister would be saddled with her debts.

I've reviewed OP's posts and they all say that sister was fine with it until the moment she was sent the contract. There's something in the contract that has changed her mind. Something she no doubt didn't know about before that would have been a deal breaker earlier, if she'd known then. It's not really sister's fault she didn't get to see the contract till the last minute. I'd be really curious to read that contract, because I bet it would be easy to pick what's scared her off.

This isn’t a good idea. The issue will happen again and the numbers will increase. Resentment all round.

I have already told my teen sons that I will never bail them out. Obvs I will pay for stuff upfront, which is entirely different.

FWIW, legal advice I had from a solicitor on being a guarantor was “Don’t do it. I always say “a guarantor is an idiot with a pen””.

On this occasion, having promised, and OP having acted to her detriment in reliance on that promise, the sister should do it, if only in the short term.

I do wonder OP if your sister thinks there's no way you can pay this back without being in consistent work- I would have gifted it you on the condition that it was a one off- I wonder though if she isn't as well off as you maybe think -

Sounds like you are coping extremely well.

I always admire people who have lost a business and gone close to bankruptcy, yet have the energy to go on and rebuild. Coping with adversity and coming through rational and compassionate is an important character indicator.

This is one of those threads where I would really like to hear the other side of the story. Posters calling OP's Dsis a "greedy bitch" and a "cunt", saying she's "evil" and deciding that this was a calculated move designed to "inflict maximum damage" actually have no idea what her reasons for pulling out of this arrangement were. OP has been very vague about their conversation, simply saying that she feels the reasons her sister gave were "judgemental".

OP has been unwell, which is obviously not her fault. But since her business went bust OP has lived rent free with friends/family for over a year, borrowed money from a friend which she clearly had no hope of repaying without borrowing from someone else and, by her own admission, failed to communicate with her creditors throughout this period. We don't know what kind of shape OP's business or personal finances were in prior to her illness, or whether her Dsis or other family members have had to help her out financially in the past. We are told that Dsis is fabulously wealthy and can easily afford to lose the money, plus unspecified interest, admin fees, collection fees, and whatever else she stands to lose according to the contract none of us have seen. Therefore she must be a "bitch".

The last minute change of mind was obviously not ideal, but if that was the first opportunity OP's sister had to look over the contract in detail then it may be she saw something that gave her serious cause for concern. Or it may be that she has taken financial advice and been told it was a bad idea. Isn't this more likely than OP's sister deliberately concocting a machevielien scheme whereby she promises to help then waits til the last possible minute to withdraw the offer purely because she enjoys being spiteful?

I am pretty sure that if the sister posted on here saying she had been asked to be a guarantor for her sister whose business has gone bust, was recently sofa surfing for a year and owes money to friends, and that she had concerns about the contract or had been advised against it there would be lots of replies telling her not to do it.

It may also be with who the contract is. I would not sign up to some companies as a guarantor because from what I understand they can be ruthless with MASSIVE apr.
Possible the sister didn't know before, tjought it would be atandard loan with standard intereat and googled the company?

Yes, DS has the right to protect herself from dodgy contracts or dodgy lenders.

And if it had been something like that why the big, sneery lecture? Why no attempt to find an alternative, acceptable solution. Why no empathy?

I find all the attempts to gaslight the OP into thinking her sister has been reasonable almost as distasteful as the sister's actions.

Yes, calling her an evil bitch is far more productive and helpful for the OPs debt problem, especially as we don’t know her side of the story isn’t it? 🙄

It's not up tp the sister to find safe and acceptable solution tbf.

No one is gaslighting OP, people need to stop overusing that word on here.
We are discussing possible reasons for dropping out when seeing the contract. These are logical assumptions.
"Sneery lecture" is also subjective. It may have or may have not been meant as sneery.

Does she have a history of dangling carrots in front of you?

If not, for the sake of the sibling relationship, assuming you're usually close, I'd assume that she'd got cold feet. Maybe she isn't actually as financially stable as she appears. Perhaps she hasn't actually realised how difficult your situation actually is?
Maybe she said yes in a moment of "oh my poor sister, of course I'll help you!" But then with the benefit of hindsight and some sleeps, she had doubts.

You are VERY entitled to be upset and disappointed OP. It sounds like yet another blow in a long line of difficult events. But I wouldn't straight away leap to the assumption that she's gone out of her way to hurt you.

Firstly, we don’t know it was actually sneery, maybe she’s lent money before and not got it back?

secondly, loaning money to someone to pay off another loan is never a good idea. It might seem kind and helpful but it’s really a temporary sticking plaster that often causes more debt to spiral because the root cause hasn’t been addressed and the person never gets professional help to manage their money so the cycle continues indefinitely. Even if the sister does cover it, what happens when her niece is in her second uni year and needs more money? Or the OP has more debts to pay off? Where does this end?

It's up to OP to find an acceptable solution. Sister can, of course, suggest. Maybe sis would be happy with a bank, if the company is dodgy in her opinion and not a bank? But a bank might not make the loan without any kind of security.

And if it had been something like that why the big, sneery lecture? Why no attempt to find an alternative, acceptable solution. Why no empathy?

Lots of assumption here. OP has been very vague about the details of their conversation and the reasons given by her sister. Which is odd considering the high level of specific detail she has shared about her sisters finances. OP felt it was a "lecture", and maybe it was, or maybe Disis was telling OP valid things she simply did not want to hear. There's no evidence that she showed a lack of empathy, or that she didn't try to suggest alternatives. Not that it is up to her, or anyone else to find a solution.

This entirely. Why did she only get to find out the repercussions the day before she signed it. No way would I sign something with huge apr or that would affect my future ability to borrow becausewvwn though I live my sister. The businwss failed ans it's likely she will not be able to pay this loan back

Because most adults would expect this.

Sister should have thought it through before encouraging spending.

Agree it’s a bad idea for sister to be guarantor. But she said “yes” to a vulnerable person and encouraged OP to spend money on that basis. So she should have seen it through.

She obv got cold feet at the last minute. or maybe her husband persuaded her it wasnt a great idea.I feel for you as finances are difficult .However just because she has a good job with a generous bonus doesnt mean she is financially set up for life .She seems fickle but maybe something has cropped up to make her think twice

All of this. The way women are talking about another woman with limited context is awful. BTW, even if she is in the wrong the frankly misogynistic language being used to describe her points to wider societal issues.

Pipedream

Op's been sick. She didn't join the circus.

Being as we have no idea what DS has actually said to OP.... we really can't be sure if it was sneery or it was just something OP didn't want to hear like
"You've got yourself into a lot of debt and I don't think another loan is a good idea, you'll end up in a worse position..."
Is sound advice. But if you don't want to hear it then you can take it as a lecture