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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you think if this happened to you?

368 replies

Paintedrockk · 28/07/2023 20:02

Just curious.

Ten years ago when I was in secondary school I was seeing this guy and I was head over heels for him but he never committed. Was just young and naive at the time

Two years after we left school we started seeing each other again but just for sex and chilling together, again he wouldn’t commit, he felt a bit used at the time as I really did like him and my feelings never really went away

He then got into a relationship with somebody straight after ending things with us hooking up and I felt hurt about it as he never committed to me or made things official and I felt a bit used

Fast forward to now they split about 6 months ago and he is contacting me asking how I’ve been saying long time no speak stranger etc. what would you do?

OP posts:
VeridicalVagabond · 28/07/2023 21:57

The arrogance of this man thinking after 6 years you'll just drop everything and open your legs for him again like some sort of dial-a-vagina. He's treating you like an Amazon Prime fleshlight.

You won't do that, right? You value yourself more than that, right?

LunaNorth · 28/07/2023 21:59

He sees you as a safe bet. Block the cheeky bastard.

ScentlessAprentice · 28/07/2023 22:09

VeridicalVagabond · 28/07/2023 21:57

The arrogance of this man thinking after 6 years you'll just drop everything and open your legs for him again like some sort of dial-a-vagina. He's treating you like an Amazon Prime fleshlight.

You won't do that, right? You value yourself more than that, right?

Precisely. He thinks you'll come scuttling because he's beckoned. Let him fuck off and sit at home playing with his own penis, you're worth so much more than being his toy into whom he ejaculates. He sounds disgusting.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/07/2023 22:30

Paintedrockk · 28/07/2023 21:23

I would do a who is this but it was on instagram he has messaged 😂

You've already given him too much headspace!

Be bored and dismissive and don't bother seeing him you've grown up since then and know what you want and deserve.

Original poster
Paintedrockk · 31/07/2023 01:41

Hi just thought to update.

He has messaged me again and wanted to know what anybody thinks to this

He says that he made a mistake back then and that he should have stuck by me and that I’ve still been on his mind a lot through out the years and that he’s been wanting to message me for a long time. He says he hopes I will give him a chance and come and see him to catch up. He’s also said that I’m welcome to come round to his house whenever I like so I guess that is his real intentions

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 31/07/2023 02:12

Why not meet him and see ? Maybe now the time is right? You e both grown up since then

PyongyangKipperbang · 31/07/2023 02:13

Paintedrockk · 31/07/2023 01:41

Hi just thought to update.

He has messaged me again and wanted to know what anybody thinks to this

He says that he made a mistake back then and that he should have stuck by me and that I’ve still been on his mind a lot through out the years and that he’s been wanting to message me for a long time. He says he hopes I will give him a chance and come and see him to catch up. He’s also said that I’m welcome to come round to his house whenever I like so I guess that is his real intentions

"Took me ages to remember who you are! Hi! Hope you are doing well. I am good thanks, life is on the up and up. Thanks for the offer but not really into "catch ups", have a good one xx"

hahahahahahahahahah · 31/07/2023 02:22

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

poppettypop · 31/07/2023 02:37

He has a scratch and he want's you to itch it.

GaspingGekko · 31/07/2023 02:52

Ooof, still sounds very much like he wants friends with benefits, or that you're his fallback option, in between relationships.

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 31/07/2023 02:54

You could meet him in a public place, walk around, get a coffee or bite to eat. He probably is looking for sex but it is within your power to tell him no.

It sounds like you may still be vunerable to him, so probably not the best idea to let him back in your life.

ClaraBourne · 31/07/2023 03:02

Meet him. Make it seem like you're into him . Then walk away.----

Furries · 31/07/2023 03:05

I wouldn’t block him, I just wouldn’t bother replying.

Will probably be enlightening to see how much he continues to message and what those messages say.

Joeylove88 · 31/07/2023 03:32

I was in your exact situation. Casual sex, had feelings for him, he wasn't ready to commit, it went on for over a year, I got upset, I got the strength to pull away as it just hurt me so much, he spent a few months after trying to see me but kept saying I was the right girl but that he wasn't ready yet, 7 months later he gets a new girlfriend who apparently changed everything for him.
If you feel you want to meet him that's fine. But DO NOT be the girl he goes to for just sex!!! Make him work for you. Refuse anything physical until he knows what you want and he shows you he wants the same thing. Honestly it's not worth the hurt of feeling used by letting your attraction to him get in the way of your boundaries. If he stops talking to you because you don't fall at his feet and give him what he wants then you had a lucky escape!

UnfunnyJester · 31/07/2023 03:32

Don't meet him. He'll tell you all the heartfelt things you want to hear so he can sleep with you, then he'll tell you he's not ready for a relationship, he thought he was but he's not and then you'll feel like shit.

Similar scenario has happened to a couple of my friends. You'll only ever be used for sex and then dropped when he finds someone.

slore · 31/07/2023 03:38

Paintedrockk · 31/07/2023 01:41

Hi just thought to update.

He has messaged me again and wanted to know what anybody thinks to this

He says that he made a mistake back then and that he should have stuck by me and that I’ve still been on his mind a lot through out the years and that he’s been wanting to message me for a long time. He says he hopes I will give him a chance and come and see him to catch up. He’s also said that I’m welcome to come round to his house whenever I like so I guess that is his real intentions

He is 100% only interested in using you for sex. His tricks worked the last two times and he thinks you're a safe bet to try his tricks again.

I would suggest declining his offer to "catch up" entirely, and forget all about him. But if you must meet him make it absolutely clear there will be no sex whatsoever, and stick to your guns. He will undoubtedly quickly lose interest once he knows he can't easily get his dick wet.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 31/07/2023 03:43

Well do you think he would lie to you or was he always honest before that he didn't want a relationship? Although, the short time between finishing with you and "being in a relationship" last time suggests he already had her lined up.

If you want something different to what you had before you need to do things differently. It is sadly most likely that he's just saying what he thinks will get you into bed. Maybe tell him to drop the BS and just be honest if he's looking for a bootycall and see how he responds

keelo123 · 31/07/2023 03:54

Tell him straight… highlight the fact that you have noticed his patterns over the used and you have self respect that exceeds way past jumping into bed with him just because he wants rebound sex because he’s lonely!! Don’t show him your pain, he doesn’t even deserve that much! Don’t be fooled by any excuses or by any grovelling he may give you because you have already learned that the sharp end of him hurts you eventually regardless of how much you like him. He’s using you to the fullest. He doesn’t deserve to be even replied to but for the sake of your own feelings, tell him what he needs to know!! You are better than just his lonely score!! X

Hiddenvoice · 31/07/2023 03:58

if he hadn’t ended the message with your welcome round to his house anytime then I’d have believed him. It still seems to me that he’s after what you two had before.

You could meet him to talk about things and ask why it’s taken so long for him to supposedly feel like this or you could message him. You could reply and be honest, explaining that you’ve been used and hurt in the past so it is very hard to believe it. Tell him you’re not going to be used again. Whatever you do, please be guarded with your feelings as I’m still very unsure if he’s genuine.

Oldwobblechops77 · 31/07/2023 04:07

Paintedrockk · 28/07/2023 20:32

Thank you all. I think he knew I had feelings for him back then as well, I just never felt good enough. weird that I remember this but he ended us seeing each other the second name but didn’t really give a reason he gave this long message telling me that he thinks I’m beautiful and we can still be good friends and then a week later it was announced on Facebook that he was in a relationship after telling me he wasn’t ready for one then

I hate this rhetoric where young women are supposed not to have any feelings for the person they are sleeping with.

Tell him to Foxtrot Oscar op.

AliceOlive · 31/07/2023 04:14

He’s pathetic and gross. You won’t end up feeling good if you see him.

Oldwobblechops77 · 31/07/2023 04:20

Oldwobblechops77 · 31/07/2023 04:07

I hate this rhetoric where young women are supposed not to have any feelings for the person they are sleeping with.

Tell him to Foxtrot Oscar op.

Show quote history

Sorry , posted too soon.

My point is, you weren’t having an open and honest relationship with him last time as you didn’t feel able to tell him how you felt (or he had organised it that it wasn’t “permitted”) plus he dropped you like a stone when someone else came on the scene.

On reflection my reply would be along the lines of “whatever makes you think I would want to repeat that experience with you?”

Op you need to do some work on your self esteem and self respect before you team up with anyone else. Why sleep with someone in the first place for whom you had feelings but those feelings were not “permitted”. You don’t need someone else’s permission to feel how you do! Please do not agree to those shitty terms ever again. And please don’t allow anyone to control you to the extent that your feelings are not valid. You deserve so much more!

Agree with pp that he gave himself away at the end there mentioning you coming over to his house. Lazy as well as totally disrespectful.

Fraaahnces · 31/07/2023 04:29

I would think that if you fell for that right now after 6/7 years, you’re delulu.

Kitkatcatflap · 31/07/2023 04:38

I would have given him the benefit of the doubt given the fact that 'school' doesn't count last time you were together you were born late teens. But the last sentence, you are welcome to come round to my house .......... Not a dinner invitation, meet for a drink or a coffee even. Noooooooo

AnneElliott23 · 31/07/2023 04:38

Next time the using twat texts you send him a message to ask "Who is this?"

Then block him.

Worked a treat for me with a using Muppet, never heard from him again.

Best advice I was ever given about men who behaved like twats, and who until that point had pretty much ruined my life, was to pretend they were female friends and behave accordingly. My self respect is higher since.