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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To hate going to big weddings ?

189 replies

ForestGoblin · 28/07/2023 09:23

So awkward. So expensive. So "quirky" yet identical. You can't talk to the bride and groom (who are possibly your only actual friends there). The food cost them a bomb but tastes meh. Ditto the booze. Chair covers for £25 a go??? CHAIR covers? So often impossible to get to. Impossible to leave. Just want to go to bed by 10 but that'd be rude. Hate pressure to dance. Hate the inevitable hangover from all the wine I anxiety drunk (going to try to get through one with zero wine apart from the toasting fizz).

But I think other people must love them otherwise why would they keep happening.

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 28/07/2023 13:42

caringcarer · 28/07/2023 13:30

Just thinking about it I went to a birthday party 2 Saturdays ago and they had hot food you had to queue for and take back to your table and eat. Everyone just sat where they liked. Hot food was lamb curry, vegetable curry, vegan chilli, rice, jerk chicken, sausage rolls and some cold food a selection of sandwiches, a mixed salad, cheese and onion quiche. The caterers had huge stainless steel bats of the hot food kept hot over burners. The food was great and really hot and this type of arrangement could be used for a wedding although I accept it's more likely to be a waiter served at a wedding. I had a big sit down roast beef meal/veggie DH and veggie guests had a vegetable lasagna option, served by waiters but if I ever did a large party again I'd go for something like at friends birthday party because everyone seemed to enjoy just going up and getting food as they pleased and served themselves so could take small or large portions. There was some hot food left and the host sent it home with a few people in takeaway cartons.

As soon as you mention the word “wedding”, many venues’ total approach to an event changes. Suddenly no, you can’t have the set up and menus that they offer for corporate events or birthday parties; you have to buy a wedding package (at three times the price of that for any other event, natch) and choose one of the wedding menus. I know two people who, well aware of this, tried to hold back on mentioning it was a wedding being booked to her a cheaper and better deal: both ended up in very combative situations when the venue twigged and insisted that more money was now owed or threatening to cancel for breach of contract. Weddings are huge business and venues know it.

A lot of weddings this end up being samey because of the above and also for the same reason as a lot of home decor ends up being samey: once something gains initial popularity that’s what places run with and then there isn’t always a lot of choice available. Wedding planners and venues and caterers and florists get comfortable with a handful of things they know work and have been popular recently, and then want to stick with them. To get our wedding how we want it, we’ve essentially had to organise it ourselves - and I’m so happy I’m never doing this again, wedding planning is a skill I don’t have and a job I don’t need on top of the one I already have, and I can totally see why so many people just buy a package and hand over to a planner, and end up with what that planner advises.

MissingMoominMamma · 28/07/2023 13:48

I don’t like big weddings either, OP.

I’m hoping my son and his fiancée will plump for something simple. 😬

Grouser · 28/07/2023 13:59

caringcarer · 28/07/2023 13:30

Just thinking about it I went to a birthday party 2 Saturdays ago and they had hot food you had to queue for and take back to your table and eat. Everyone just sat where they liked. Hot food was lamb curry, vegetable curry, vegan chilli, rice, jerk chicken, sausage rolls and some cold food a selection of sandwiches, a mixed salad, cheese and onion quiche. The caterers had huge stainless steel bats of the hot food kept hot over burners. The food was great and really hot and this type of arrangement could be used for a wedding although I accept it's more likely to be a waiter served at a wedding. I had a big sit down roast beef meal/veggie DH and veggie guests had a vegetable lasagna option, served by waiters but if I ever did a large party again I'd go for something like at friends birthday party because everyone seemed to enjoy just going up and getting food as they pleased and served themselves so could take small or large portions. There was some hot food left and the host sent it home with a few people in takeaway cartons.

Often this can be more expensive then plated food. The main issues with weddings is the scale and tight time frames involved

With a wedding usually a large group of people all needing to be served at once in usually a fairly short time frame, unlike in other events where people come and go.

You normally need multiple otherwise in a 70 person wedding (which is lower than the average of 100 guests) if you take 2 min to serve each guest, you're looking at some people having a 2 hour wait for food in a massive queue! Even if you have two trucks, you're looking at people standing in a queue for an hour, watching others eat, and others being finished well before most have got their food.

Other than grumpy guests, that also causes is wedding timing. You'll need to allow a much bigger time frame for people to eat food, which means you might be pushing back evening guests first dances etc while trying to fill the gap for people waiting for food and hungry or equally finished and bored.

Seating plans are something that seems like a faff but is often less work than no seating plan. If you have no seating plan you have to allow for lots and lots of spare seats . People don't naturally fill gaps or sit themselves efficiently. If you have tables of eight for example, people will initially spread, a party of 2, and of 4, and of 6 who don't know each other won't sit down on the the same tables without guidance until there's no space. You then end up with really odd gaps of 1, or 2 and be splitting family groups.

This leads to people aimlessly wandering with food, timelines being pushed back or if a plated dinner difficulties finding people who have dietary meals. Spare seats are expensive when it means you now have 12 tables instead of 9, each table will have a cost (eg in terms of place setting, cutlery, glass of something at each place) as well as usually the cost of hiring extra chairs. When people add extras to the table (which they will when they realise they are a family of 4 and there's only 3 seats together) it impacts knowing how to distribute food, ensure there's enough wine etc at each table (so a table with only 6 will drink less than a table of 9), and if things like highchairs are available

I blooming hate a wedding where I have to awkwardly ask to sit on someone's table like I'm in high school, and not know if I'll be able to sit with anyone I know. Seating plans ensure people are sat quickly, in a layout that's comfortable, with people they know, with the right food.

Grouser · 28/07/2023 14:01

Obviously the above is much easier at family parties where your less likely to be there for as long, all know each other and have the day unstructured

Tighginn · 28/07/2023 14:02

It's an obscene amount of money involved to play princess for a day with 250 of your closest having to play along at personal cost too.

ferretface · 28/07/2023 14:03

I love weddings. Get to see my friends and family super happy and smiling and enjoy eating, drinking and making merry. Always thrilled to receive an invite and unless they're really really difficult to get to (like, Australia) we usually end up going.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 28/07/2023 14:06

I can't relate OP. Love a wedding, will always try do my best to get to one even abroad. I'm not a big drinker but love a dance. However, I can easily imagine they aren't the most fun thing for an introvert to attend. I've been to a few where I've had to leave early and people don't seem to mind. I've always said if when I accept the invite. There's only so much annual leave you can take.

TooBigForMyBoots · 28/07/2023 14:07

My dad doesn't like weddings, so he doesn't go to them. No one has ever fallen out with him because of it.

It's not complicated @ForestGoblin, just decline the invitation.

drpet49 · 28/07/2023 14:07

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 28/07/2023 09:29

None of the weddings I’ve been to are like this. They’ve all been lovely.
The biggest wedding I’ve been to was about 250 guests, the brides family were seriously well off and it was INCREDIBLE, some of the best food I’ve ever eaten, gorgeous wine, amazing venue.

That said me and DP have said we are eloping…

This

Thepeopleversuswork · 28/07/2023 14:11

Legomania · 28/07/2023 09:47

OP : "Why are all big weddings crap?"

"Ps I hate other people, socialising and leaving my house"

Yeah I'm not sure this is fair tbh.

I'm very sociable and I basically agree with OP.

I find big weddings breathtakingly naff. Even the ones which are supposed to be very tasteful and quirky and upscale etc (particularly those ones). All the gross symbolism of women being handed from one man to the next which people try to obscure but it's still there. The unbelievable waste and cost -- and the fact that the only time this is considered to be justified in an entire lifetime. The "me me me" behaviour of the bride and the horrible "it's my special day so I'm going to be a total diva" thing. The ridiculous fastidiousness around things like table settings and bridesmaids' dresses and other things which don't matter at all in the scheme of things. The terrible food.

I've had great times at weddings (usually well primed with booze) and I do feel happy if I like the couple and will happily go along with all the drama and enjoy them with good grace. I would never say any of this to someone whose wedding I've been to.

But there's no getting away from the fact that they are intrinsically pretty grotesque.

Anycrispsleft · 28/07/2023 14:34

I'm with you OP I can't stand them either. We are too old now for weddings and the kids too young, but I've always seen them as a bit of a job. There's been the odd one that's been fun - I don't mind a big wedding if it's informal - but I've been to a hell of a lot of those ones that basically felt like a conference dinner but with your inlaws present. And I'm not socially anxious, I'm fine I just don't enjoy it.

I wish all the "it's an invitation not a summons" people would try and have a bit of empathy and think about how the social consequences of not turning up at these events bounce back on us. I've been turning down wedding invitations ever since I reached legal majority but my family all still went mental when we had a small wedding - when DH was still a skint postdoc and we had to get married so he didn't get deported. And there are plenty of social engagements I can't say no to because they involve my kids. They are sociable, I am not, if I just say no to everything that's hardly fair on them. I find it quite strange that the people who are so sociable and into other people don't seem to grasp the idea that they're conferring an obligation on others when they put out that invite. You know I don't want to piss anyone off. But equally I don't want to come to your party.

Kugela · 28/07/2023 14:36

@ForestGoblin YANBU especially with the chair covers!

I usually decline wedding invitations unless it’s close family or a local venue. Even then, we will often just go along to the ceremony.

I don’t have anxiety but I’ve had enough of thoughtless hosts and inaccessible wedding venues (I’m disabled)

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 28/07/2023 14:40

I like weddings generally.

But I also sort of know what you mean!

I don’t like it when they are in isolated places and it’s really hard to get a taxi!

BarrelOfOtters · 28/07/2023 15:44

Went to a wedding just before Covid that had the most amazing food, sea food, cheese, amazing bread and it was all served to the tables but really was so nice.

It was in a manor house that does weddings - and they did them really well.

UsingChangeofName · 28/07/2023 16:40

Lots of comments from the seemingly outraged but from the poll 2 out of 3 agree with you!

I think you'll find that there are lots of people who don't agree with the OP's opinions on weddings, or her description of some weddings, but can still agree with her that she isn't being unreasonable to hate going to big weddings.

I disagree with most of the way she has described weddings, but still acknowledge her right to hate them.

Weflewinstyle · 28/07/2023 16:42

Small weddings, big weddings and also really intimate ones where just a handful and go for dinner… I love them ALL

i don’t give a hoot if the food isn’t great. I just love the coming together for such a happy celebration, I love the speeches, the chatting with people you’ve never met before but share a Rel with either the B or G with. I love ones that present a good excuse for a night in a hotel, and I love the ones that just involve jumping on the tube (like mine).

Weflewinstyle · 28/07/2023 16:45

@UsingChangeofName

I disagree with most of the way she has described weddings, but still acknowledge her right to hate them.

the op didn’t afford me the same consideration. She actually said “I don’t believe you” when I said I don’t recognise her description of weddings in any I have attended

emmetgirl · 28/07/2023 16:50

I hate weddings.
There's loads of standing around, waiting for things over and over. I hate getting "dressed up", I loathe making small talk with people I don't know. I don't drink (my experience of weddings is that lots of people get drunk). I do my best to avoid them at all costs.
I got married once and went abroad to do it and we never told anyone until we got back. I'd have hated it otherwise.

Weflewinstyle · 28/07/2023 16:53

emmetgirl · 28/07/2023 16:50

I hate weddings.
There's loads of standing around, waiting for things over and over. I hate getting "dressed up", I loathe making small talk with people I don't know. I don't drink (my experience of weddings is that lots of people get drunk). I do my best to avoid them at all costs.
I got married once and went abroad to do it and we never told anyone until we got back. I'd have hated it otherwise.

Won’t just be weddings you hate then

it will be any kind of party surely or work social event?

ForestGoblin · 28/07/2023 17:22

The bride at the next one I'm going to told me "I just can't wait til it's over :(". Why did she inflict it then?????

OP posts:
Weflewinstyle · 28/07/2023 17:26

ForestGoblin · 28/07/2023 17:22

The bride at the next one I'm going to told me "I just can't wait til it's over :(". Why did she inflict it then?????

No doubt very nervous

UsingChangeofName · 28/07/2023 17:29

@Weflewinstyle I certainly don't disagree with you,

I was just explaining to @Upsizer 's post on P5, by explaining why the discussion and the poll seem to differ. That it is because the specific AIBU question people replied to on the poll, is worded in a way that the OP isn't being U - because most people think that people have the "right" to love or hate whatever they love or hate. However, the opening post and next 6 pages of discussion seem to be about why all weddings the OP has been to have been awful, but everyone else pointing out it isn't the wedding that is awful.......

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/07/2023 17:46

Of course you can decline - take them out for a lovely meal instead before or after to celebrate and make a fuss of them and they'll be just as grateful - if they're a good enough friend they'll understand that big parties aren't your thing

Ibizamumof4 · 28/07/2023 22:24

I love this so funny
but we will still go of course we will

NotAMug · 28/07/2023 22:55

Weflewinstyle · 28/07/2023 17:26

No doubt very nervous

Yes, I suspect that's due to nerves and stress. Everyone wants their day to go well.

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