Do all parents of one child find holidays intense?

[relaxationescapesme]

NC for this.

Long anticipated holiday with DP and 13 yr old DS.

Expensive, far away, vigorously researched and organised. Always wjth DS's best interests at heart - mix of activities, chill, places where he might meet other kids. (We often go away with friends but this was a bigger trip and I wanted for it to just be us).

We've had some great moments but wow, it's intense. DS is hard effing work - pretty sulky, not compromising, takes so much coaxing to do what we ask - basically same shit, different place. Except now we are all together in paradise but also in a pressure cooker. We've all argued, as a result.

And these are the times I feel bad that he's an only child. It's like the light is shone on his lack of sibling when he is surrounded by other families, whose kids can just muck around in the pool.

He has made friends but they then left.

I honestly feel like I won't organise another holiday like this again. So much work, money and stress.

And then the sadness about him being an only child.

I have 3 kids and we attract a lot of single children on holiday.

That said the last family holiday was also full of sulking argumentative unresponsive uninterested teens who bickered and wouldn’t agree to days out /pool/water park/shopping etc

I said never again!!!

So imagine your holiday but three times worse.

That makes me feel better!

I don't know if 3 x is worse. There's an intensity and focus when it's just one

Not really, we do something us adults want to do part of the day and our teenager does what they want for part even when young

We tend to all do city breaks more as none of us can sit on a beach all day type holidays so we do some beach sightseeing, food, adventure a little of everything really

I have two (older now) teens and I can relate to them not wanting to engage or get moving. Now that they are older we solve this with giving them more space and time to themselves on holiday but juggling them, Trying to relax (plus a younger child) has got to me and I've said 'never again' more than once, i no longer expect a holiday for me, . Next year my eldest is planning her own holiday with friends (though she has flakey friends with overbearing parents so I'll believe it when I see it!).

A lot of parents of only children or big age gap usually take a friend for child , or go with another close family , for company .

Please read my post before responding

I did read .

Then you would have read that we usually go away with friends. I don't understand how helpful it is for you to reiterate this? It adds nothing. We know that it's easier with others

We have an only child, now an older teen (18) & at that age we started doing shorter city break type holidays. I'd research things that would interest us all & in the younger teen years she liked to swim so a hotel with a pool worked.

We'd do a mix of exploring, history, shopping & eating out. It worked v well. When she got to be a bit older we sometimes brought a friend for her which she loved.

Now, we're in a different place again as she's more grown up & more able to enjoy the same things as us.

We found teens need to have some space even on hols. So we learned to leave her in the room for an hour or two on her phone / device while we went for a walk / coffee / drink etc. As she got older & 'getting ready' was a major occupation & she lost interest in seeing historical things etc we'd get up early & go off & do whatever it was & come back for her at lunchtime & then we'd all go off together to see something / shop / explore etc & then dinner. She might then want to go back to her room to chat to friends & we'd go for a drink. So for a while hotels with rooftop bars were one of our ideals.

We've travelled a lot with dd & have tried to adapt to her each stage of the way. Teens can be sullen & self absorbed but it's a mechanism for detaching from us in a way.

We accepted that a couple of hours a day together in harmony was far more enjoyable for us all than a whole day of fighting. Once we cracked this, trips weer a joy again. I sometimes felt guilty/ bad that she was spending so much time sleeping or doing makeup or facetiming friends & missing seeing the sights but afterwards she'd say she'd had the best trip ever...

Yes, I suspect this is our trajectory

We've never holidayed with other families.. That doesn't appeal to me at all & I know all the compromising involved would set me on edge.

We've taken her friends away a few times & it's worked well but I wouldn't have wanted that for everytrip either. And other people's kids can be hard work even unintentionally.

We've always wanted her to enjoy coming away with us & not feel it as some sort of duty..in the belief that its good bonding to spend fun quality time together.

Yes I found holidays difficult particularly as my DD wasn't very socialiable then.

But my DD would cry alot over the years that she didn't have a sibling so we caved after 7 years. They argue and bicker constantly I'm not even sure my DD wants her sister anymore 🤣

I don't think we have ever been on a holiday where there hasn't been a small argument. Holidays are expensive and we want them to be perfect but it can sometimes be a bit much for children. Especially as they start getting older and the same things just don't interest them. Or they want to experience them with other children.

Do you have family with children around the same age you could holiday with in the future or friends?

I think you're right OP. We have a big age gap with ten years between DC1 and 2.

When you have one child everything gets very bound up in them whereas now that we have three, there's no way we can centre an entire holiday around the needs of one person, and I think we're all better off for it.

But you don't have to centre everything around your child. You could prioritise yourself and your partner as well to kind of counter this on purpose.

I think the other thing that happens with one child is that you feel extremely responsible for every tiny little thing, whereas when you have more there is a bit of perspective that you're not actually that powerful.

And it sounds like you're getting really bound up in his emotions driving how you feel when really, he's probably just being a teenager, it's quite normal for them to be sulky and moody. Would it not help if you just said to DH oh he's being a teenager, never mind, and go and do something without him?

I can feel your disappointment about this longed for trip but I'll bet that afterwards he'll say it was a brilliant holiday!

When we were finished the trick years (for us 14 -16) when she was really awkward at times & wanting independence she was too young for we had a couple of great trips to places like Malaga - it's small, has lots to do & see - museums, galleries, shopping. It has a beach & promenade etc. Plus handy short flight. We brought her pal & let them have some freedom to wander about together. They loved it

That should say 'in' the tricky years not finished...!

Is this not just a personality thing? Because you could be describing my eldest's behaviour too, and she has a brother. Whereas I was an only child, and by my mother's accounts a perfect holiday companion, happy to do whatever as long we were spending time together.

I think that’s just being 13 as opposed to specific to being a singleton? We’re holidays equally hard when he was primary school age?

My DD is nearly 17 and although she likes history and cultural bits and bobs she does complain about "walking for ages" and saying, "I'm bored/hot/hungry/thirsty". She hates forced fun & clubs and all that. I don't think she has ever made a friend on holiday, but she's very shy. It's really hard sometimes! This year we are going to a European city destination but taking train trips to the beach so she can just chill and read and swim and not feel overwhelmed by all the historical bits. We've said yes, there will be cake and ice cream to enjoy, and not constantly walking around. There will be shopping. There will be parks and animals. We've tried to accommodate her interests. She's bringing her camera to take photos for her A'level class and for Instagram.

My husband hates sitting on a beach doing nothing (he prefers ruins) but he's going to have to cope. I hate seeing ruin after ruin but i will have to cope. (I prefer art).I think we have the right balance this time.

Always wjth DS's best interests at heart

Do you plan the holiday with him? Rather than for him.

DD is a brilliant traveller, slightly younger so possibly easier. She plans everything with us, looks at hotels, flights, activities, everything.

We had a holiday with 3kids , the eldest probably about 13, she ruined it for me, as I was the one she moaned to and argued with.
it’s the age not the number of kids.

He was involved in the plans

I’m currently on holiday with DS13 but its just me and him. We’ve had a mixture of activities, the first two days were my choice, so hikes/gondola rides. He chose to go to an outside aqua park yesterday and today’s a mini-hike and go-karting.

I suppose different to your situation in that I’m a single mum so we’ve usually only ever gone on holiday just the two of us. The idea of going away with my sister and her kids (although there are pretty big ages gaps) is appealing but the reality is just chaos and fighting/arguing. Like when we visit the GPs(Grandparents)

I totally get how you feel about seeing all the larger families and feeling like DS is missing out. We saw a family with 5 kids and 2 dogs, but honestly the parents did not look like they were on any kind of holiday 😂 Us on the other hand, taking in the views, deciding when/what to eat totally relaxing into being away from work/school. DS gets some screen time while i read… so pros & cons i think to everyone’s situation.

Have you asked DS how he feels? And if he is enjoying himself…? Sometimes our emotions and the way we see/feel about a situation can be very different to how they feel about it.

Enjoy your holiday!!!!

Yes. Every year! Taking friends hasn't been possible here so it's always just us and while it's better with lots of separate time, holiday time means no friends within reach and I think that magnifies how difficult time with parents can be. We dont do any social/outings stuff together at home any more either. I say never again most years. Self catering seems to magnify it too- clothes on floor/dirty dishes tedium. We've had a great holiday but still argue pretty much every day, deeply depressing.

I'm an only child and my parents loved holidays and went on a lot. From about 10 they either:

1. holidayed with another family with similar aged teens (at their holiday home)
2. let me bring a friend

I think anything else would have just been quite miserable for all of us - I was quite grumpy and horrible to them as a teenager though so I can see that others might be fine to keep going. They also used to send me on school trips or away with friends (we would swap I think if they took someone away) and go on their own trips without me!

I think we look forward to holidays so much that the expectation does not match the reality especially when it comes to teens. I think they key is to lower expectations and to try and give them space. Spending 24/7 with your parents is complete torture for a teen.