Do all parents of one child find holidays intense?

[relaxationescapesme]

NC for this.

Long anticipated holiday with DP and 13 yr old DS.

Expensive, far away, vigorously researched and organised. Always wjth DS's best interests at heart - mix of activities, chill, places where he might meet other kids. (We often go away with friends but this was a bigger trip and I wanted for it to just be us).

We've had some great moments but wow, it's intense. DS is hard effing work - pretty sulky, not compromising, takes so much coaxing to do what we ask - basically same shit, different place. Except now we are all together in paradise but also in a pressure cooker. We've all argued, as a result.

And these are the times I feel bad that he's an only child. It's like the light is shone on his lack of sibling when he is surrounded by other families, whose kids can just muck around in the pool.

He has made friends but they then left.

I honestly feel like I won't organise another holiday like this again. So much work, money and stress.

And then the sadness about him being an only child.

I’m away currently with a 14yo. It’s great… but there’s not much rest for me, and I totally agree it’s one of those times when I note the lack of sibling most. Before we arrived, mine was asking for tips on how to start up conversations. They’re doing well here… but the age mix is wrong - pool is full of 19yo Spanish adults!

I’m intrigued by all those who just “bring a friend”. Even if I could afford to pay for an extra person (and I could if I really pushed it, or changed to a cheaper holiday) - where do people find these friends?! My child has lots of friends. They’re all away with their own families! And if I offered, there’d be a mix of not wanting to take me up on paying and those with younger siblings not wanting the unfairness of them getting less. I found it really hard to get one friend along to a weekend in bloody Centerparcs! As for holidaying together with families… I’d love to, but no-one I know does this.

Would you consider a family activity holiday with a company like Explore? Was brilliant for us, and gutted that Covid ruled out 2 of the best years for us on that!

MrsAlgernon totally agree. Dd1 low key happy to read by pool with us but dd2 now 14 is a party animal with an insane social life at home. Dh is also “we must stick together” but when dd1 goes dd2 will not want to travel with just us I don’t think.

Shot myself in foot this year as dd2 is currently on an amazing holiday with another family so is going to definitely not going to want to come away again later in the summer... It’s not easy.

DS1 is an adult now, but the holidays we did with him as a teen were always busy, and hard work, but always enjoyable. We'd often do city breaks or little tours of different countries with lots of sightseeing, sometimes self-organised, sometimes organised by a company. He's never really had much need for friends, though he'd chat to other kids if it was a group holiday. But he was also fine just hanging out with me and DH. He'd never get sulky or refuse to do stuff.

It was never relaxing for us, but I've never had relaxing holidays, either pre-dc or once he left home. I like seeing new places, sightseeing, trying out different activities on holiday. Would get bored just sitting on a beach.

Most of the time I'm completely fine - I feel lucky - but on this holiday I feel sad about it.

I think this is more about you than him. DD is an only and loves holidays. And I HATED, absolutely despised, both my brother and being on holiday with him. You're comparing your only with the best two child families. There are many where the parents spend two weeks tearing their hair out and trying to stop them murder each other.

Actually organised family activity hols are brilliant for this from 12-16- families worldwide, and many others. Semi-organised with plenty of free time and often age-clustered so there's opps for teens to get together.

I remember hating holidays with my parents at that age. Could be somewhere lovely, but it's entirely normal and healthy to want to be with your peers rather than your family.

As a pp said, your idea of paradise almost certainly isn't his! Plus "paradise" sounds like a lot of pressure to me....

One child is easy! Try taking 5 on holiday!!!

We've had some great moments but wow, it's intense. DS is hard effing work - pretty sulky, not compromising, takes so much coaxing to do what we ask - basically same shit, different place. Except now we are all together in paradise but also in a pressure cooker. We've all argued, as a result

That sounds like most holidays with teenagers, whether you've got one or five!
I've got three (now adult) children, and holidays with three kids was very full on! There was a lot of bickering, mostly about the bed arrangements! And three kids on holiday are much harder work than one, or even two, kids, in my experience. But time is a wonderful thing - you only seem to look back and remember the good bits.

I think most parents feel like this unless they have the most relaxed and compliant of children!

But - he's 13. Ungrateful surly little buggers at that age IMO. always spoiling for an argument.

Hope you manage to enjoy the rest of your holiday. My advice would be to just go with the flow. Cancel shit you don't want to or can't be arsed doing. Don't feel like you have to be 'doing' all the time.

It's always a risk though, if you are relying on them to make friends. They don't always meet kids to get on with, or the kids they do meet go home before them, then your child mopes around the rest of the holiday.

And you know that having more than one child doesn't always mean that they'll have 'friends' on holiday, don't you? My 3 get on really well now, but when they were younger, they argued a lot - at home, on holiday, wherever! Yes, they did play together sometimes on holiday, but they argued more than got on.

Can he take a friend with him if parents pay flights and he shared a room shouldn't be too much extra? Or a cousin?

My DS is now 18 and not interested in coming on holiday with me now but I can honestly say I loved holidays with him.

Hes always been pretty easily pleased though and was happy as long as he had a pool, a ball and a couple of other kids to play along with.

At night he was happy to come out with us and watch football or play pool with his dad then go back to the hotel bar a bit later to catch up with his new found friends.

Once he got to 13/14 the biggest challenge was dragging him out of bed before midday.

My guess would be that this has nothing to do with him being an only child and everything to do with him being 13.

I'm one of three kids and my brother and sister are older than me. I can remember both of them being complete dicks on family holidays when they were teenagers, my sister particularly. I guarantee you that your DS would be every bit as sullen and uncompromising if he had siblings - if anything, it would likely be worse, because if he had siblings the others might want to do different things to him and there'd be constant arguments. There's no guarantee that, if he had a brother or sister, they'd want to play in the pool with him or do the same activities he wants to do.

I've started organising holidays without my teen.

1. Saves money as we can go in term time and leave a relative living in
2. He doesn't miss school at important time
3. He doesn't have to hang out with a bunch of drunk over 50s
4. He gets to spend that money on holidays for him (youth club camping trips, school adventure trips, train fare to visit and stay with his cousins, etc)

My 3 are doing PGL then grandparenfs while we go away. They get on v well (age 9-13) everyone needs a break sometimes.

Aw some times mum guilt is overwhelming but please don't feel sad for him being an only child; am sure he'll pick up on it and may feel confused on whether or not it's him/ his fualt/ he's not enough. I'm an only child and by choice went on to have an only child. I certainly don't feel bad about it.

Sometimes we bring a friend of my child's on holiday but mostly it's just the 3 of us. We all tend to get on well and aside from some regular preteen huffs; I don't think dd hates holidaying just us. Sometimes she'll make friends but mostly she's happy hanging out with us. She does like an hour or 2 space from us now and again to message friends or chill on her own now she's a teen but I try to schedule this in and not take it personally.

If he was involved in the planning then I'd be asking directly how he's feeling. He knew the plan so if he's being consistently awkward and difficult you need to figure with him why he's behaving in that way.

I think it's prob the age. I've a nephew that age (not an only child) and we holiday with my brother and his kids and he gets on like this.

I've an only but we haven't found it intense. We are lucky that we can afford several holidays a year and they're a mix of just us and other friends/family. We also go skiing and do city breaks which makes being an only easier.

And for those of us who wanted more dc but couldn’t have them, I think you have to be careful not to go too far down the “you poor thing being an only” path (generally I mean - not saying you are doing this op) and approach events like holidays as confidently and cheerfully as you can, otherwise your dc will take on the “poor me” narrative too and that becomes what they think about themselves. There are advantages to being an only too and they should be pointed out as well
as the negative aspects.

I think all types of families have pros and cons.

some siblings get on (ok ish), and others fight and have to be separated ALL THE TIME…. Parents worn out looking at smaller families with envy thinking they have it easier when the truth is everyone struggles. I have heard parents of only children never get a break in a different way to other parents, so be kind to yourself.

Some families with one child get on, other times they can be bored and wish for a playmate, thing is a sibling isn’t guaranteed to give you or them this element of fun / they tire of each other.

At 13 this is tricky age and dynamics for any family, I like the idea of city breaks or action packed holidays - maybe even some theme parks?

it’s not the number of kids in a family, it’s the dynamic of the team, just change the destination or type of holiday, ask DC their opinion and have an amazing time!

Ds18 has only been abroad twice and has refused to come on holiday for the last 5 years unless it’s the home holidays of Devon and Cornwall. Ds23 came until he was 17. If they are not into holidays then so be it. Not everyone enjoys travelling ( me and dh love it!)

The message in my house is 'why improve on perfection'

I don’t think you’re being ridiculous, I think you just have a typically sulky teen who will probably look back and kick himself. I suggest you try to enjoy where you are and don’t let him spoil it for you, if at all possible. I speak as a lone parent of a single child, I understand the angst of their loneliness - I think that lessens as they get older and realise siblings aren’t necessarily a wonderful thing.

I feel for you. The 18 months I had one for was so intense. And people express how busy I am with sympathy but I see my only child friends and it's just as hard but in a different way.
You're everything to your child and vice versa, even if you are great at fostering independence. I'm not being critical, it's just a numbers game!

Could you try to go away with friends with kids next time or invite a friend and do something on home soil so you can bail out if it's not going well?
Would a travelling holiday like Europe on train be better, less time to sit and fixate for you all, keep moving?

Good luck. All child rearing is hard but I think one can be just as hard if not more intense than multiple kids. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise x

My DS is only 6, but I’m a single mum so it’s just the two of us. It’s okay just now, but I’m anticipating it will get harder.

My thoughts are:

• young kids don’t care about destinations so much, they are social animals
• so plan holidays round visiting friends and family (even if not all holiday)
• also, plan holidays round a purpose - tennis camp, volunteering, navigation course etc.

I’m not sure this will work for me, but that’s what I’m planning. Sometimes though it’s just so suffocating just the two of us… with all the best will in the world we’re going to get slightly sick of each other. But I can only do my best.

We are away at the moment, I have three DC (similar age to yours) and they bicker, the older two can be quite difficult. It always helps when they make holiday friends as a non sibling helps stop arguments from happening.