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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My dad and step mum are ignoring me

517 replies

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 21:58

18 months ago I met the love of my life. Shortly afterwards we found we were expecting a baby. We, and our families were overjoyed. All good. A couple of months ago we decided to get married, but didn’t have much money so decided on a small ceremony at a registry office. I invited my biological mum, my Dad, a couple of siblings and friends and same for my partner.

My Dad was upset that I hadn’t invited my step mum and despite me explaining that we were very restricted on numbers, he decided not to attend as he felt as my step mum had ‘been in my life since I was 7’ , it was ‘completely out of order’. I’ve never had any issues with step mum, but at the same time am not as close to her as my Dad.

My partner and I both feel it was our wedding and therefore entirely our decision to invite who we wanted and that should be respected.

We clearly have different views, but now there is no contact between us and them. This makes us so sad as they are missing out on seeing their grand child. I’m not sure how to go forward from this? Are they being unreasonable?

OP posts:
YourMommaWasASnowblower · 28/07/2023 10:40

@HudsonFar You better hope your SM isn’t on mumsnet because if she sees this thread she will probably be even more disappointed with you and your thread has validated everything she feels. I think this is another thing you might live to regret. The lesson you need to learn is other peoples feeling matter too.

JoeyRamoney · 28/07/2023 10:44

Sorry, you were being totally unreasonable. Im not fond of my Stepdad either but I respect that he is my mums partner. How would you feel if your husband was excluded from family events?

Dick move OP.

SirVixofVixHall · 28/07/2023 10:45

”Biological” mum ? She is your Mum, you don’t need the biological bit.
Re your step mum, I notice you refer to “their” grandchild, whereas she isn’t your stepmother’s grandchild, yet didn’t invite her to your wedding.
I see why they are both upset. The only good reason for doing this would have been if your Mum would have been very uncomfortable being in a small wedding group with your stepmother, eg if your Dad had left your Mum for her.
It doesn’t sound like that though ? You can’t have it both ways, you can’t expect her to feel like a granny to your child and yet not treat her as an import person in your life.

BlastedIce · 28/07/2023 10:49

Sorry OP YABU, your DF felt strongly enough to not attend your wedding, he made his feelings known.

You have ostracised them.

If you want to rebuild the relationship then contact them and apologise.

good luck

MeridianB · 28/07/2023 10:52

Sorry OP, I think you're being disingenuous and knew exactly what you were doing and why. It's not like it was just biological parents - you invited friends, too.

It must feel like a huge slap in the face for this lady who has been in your life for so long. I applaud your father for sticking up for his wife.

Rather than trying to deflect your guilt, if you're serious about having them in your lives then you need to apologise sincerely to your Dad and SM.

Jl2014 · 28/07/2023 10:57

I think you were in the wrong here. I also think it’s a bit hypocritical to exclude your step mum from the wedding but on the other hand view her involvement with your children as being especially important. I’m sure they would love to see any grandchildren but you need to resolve the fall out of the wedding situation first. Otherwise it will open up another can of worms as to what her relationship should be with them? Is she to view your children as grandchildren or is she just effectively an outsider as you have demonstrated by excluding her from an important day.

Superfood · 28/07/2023 11:00

This is such an obvious reverse.

I can't believe no one has spotted it. The use of "biological mum" is such a HUGE giveaway.

No one would describe their mum as their "biological mum".

This is so, so, so obviously written by the stepmother to get hundreds of responses saying how unreasonable the stepdaughter is.

Superfood · 28/07/2023 11:00

YourMommaWasASnowblower · 28/07/2023 10:40

@HudsonFar You better hope your SM isn’t on mumsnet because if she sees this thread she will probably be even more disappointed with you and your thread has validated everything she feels. I think this is another thing you might live to regret. The lesson you need to learn is other peoples feeling matter too.

She is on mumsnet, as she obviously posted this thread.

Sakura7 · 28/07/2023 11:01

God even the title of this thread is telling. "They're ignoring me" wah wah wah.

No OP, you dropped a bomb into your relationship with them and now you're having to deal with the consequences.

I can't believe there are people defending the OP here. It's bad enough to show such disrespect and cause such hurt, but at least own it. To then cry that it's so unfair, and ask why aren't they stepping up as grandparents, is just outrageous and shows an incredibly selfish and cold attitude.

Superfood · 28/07/2023 11:01

Dontcallmescarface · 28/07/2023 09:10

Well that didn't turn into the SM bashing thread that you'd hoped for did it OP?

The stepmother posted it, and got exactly the responses she wanted.

AnotherThingToThinkAbout · 28/07/2023 11:02

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 22:05

maybe it was wrong not inviting her, however I feel really hurt that they are missing out on spending time with their grand child. Surely that’s more important?

You basically told her quite clearly with your invitation decision that this child was not her grandchild.

AnotherThingToThinkAbout · 28/07/2023 11:03

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 22:11

Well we thought it was fair as I didn’t invite my biological mum’s partner either.

How long had the partner been in your life? And do you see him as granddad to your child?

Superfood · 28/07/2023 11:04

Sakura7 · 28/07/2023 11:01

God even the title of this thread is telling. "They're ignoring me" wah wah wah.

No OP, you dropped a bomb into your relationship with them and now you're having to deal with the consequences.

I can't believe there are people defending the OP here. It's bad enough to show such disrespect and cause such hurt, but at least own it. To then cry that it's so unfair, and ask why aren't they stepping up as grandparents, is just outrageous and shows an incredibly selfish and cold attitude.

Yes, it is telling. No one reasonable could sympathise with the op here. Which is why it's blatantly obvious that the stepmother wrote this thread. Even if she hadn't given herself away with the repeated use of "biological mum".

I'd love to hear the real story from the actual stepdaughter in this scenario.

WannaBeRecluse · 28/07/2023 11:05

Who cares if the step mother wrote the thread? My sentiments are the same.

Superfood · 28/07/2023 11:05

hot2trotter · 28/07/2023 07:30

Why do you keep saying biological mum? I think we know what mum and dad mean. You've not at any point said biological dad, which makes it even weirder

But yes, YABU. If she was only recently in your life I'd get it, but from the age of 7 no way. Sounds like your "biological" dad is being loyal to your step mum, who must have been highly offended.

She keeps saying "biological mum" because this thread is written by the stepmother.

Superfood · 28/07/2023 11:07

WannaBeRecluse · 28/07/2023 11:05

Who cares if the step mother wrote the thread? My sentiments are the same.

There is a reason that people hate "reverse" threads and Mumsnet considers them trolls

Just think for a moment about how the story might differ if it was actually being told by the stepdaughter. Do you think perhaps there might be an entirely different side to the story? Do you think she would give her reasons in the same way the stepmother has done, when pretending to be her?

BeBopALuIa · 28/07/2023 11:08

PrimalOwl10 · 27/07/2023 22:09

Are you only bothered because you've lost a baby sitter op because you don't come across remotely genuine about the hurt you caused your df and sm.

This

DirectionToPerfection · 28/07/2023 11:09

Ok Superfood you've made your point. Repeatedly.

Youhadababy · 28/07/2023 11:11

If your step mum has made meals, taken you places, tucked you in, done your laundry, arranged her life around you then she should have been invited. Unless she's awful, she will have done more of this than you realise over a long period of time.

namechangenacy · 28/07/2023 11:14

@Superfood or it could be that op isn't very close to her mother ?

And if it was a reverse surely with amount of comments condemning the step daughter- surely op would have said it by now ?

But since op has stopped commenting it's more than likely that actually op is the dsd and has gone off in a huff

EWAB · 28/07/2023 11:18

I have not ploughed through every response but I want to say something a little different.

I think the dad should have gone to her wedding. His child should always come before a spouse for an occasion like a wedding…no matter how justifiably hurt he was and not to see his grandchildren is cutting his nose off to spite his face.

The relationship is different but my brother didn’t invite sibling spouses for his second wedding as they wanted to sit around one table! I cried my eyes out and he told my sister that if he invited people who were close to us they wouldn’t have room for people who were close to them.

I totally understand the father and stepmother’s hurt and understand why the stepmother would withdraw from the relationship but the father should have swallowed his very justifiable hurt and anger and pride to be with his daughter on her day.

I am not one of those people who think everyone else’s marriage should be acknowledged; a wedding is only about the couple getting married. I think had I refused to go to my brother’s wedding it would have ruined our relationship.

My brother-in-law ‘forgot’ his keys and marched into the wedding breakfast to get them prompting new sister-in-law’s dad to invite him for a drink. My brother is still angry!

MargosMangos · 28/07/2023 11:19

You are making everything about you and what you want @HudsonFar
You have behaved appallingly and I don't blame them

MsRosley · 28/07/2023 11:20

Wow, OP. I am astonished that you think what you did was okay. I am not astonished that you're reaping the results.

jenbj · 28/07/2023 11:21

I was open mouthed reading this. I'm not surprised your dad and stepmum are upset. What an unkind thing to do. They must have been so hurt.

User838960 · 28/07/2023 11:27

Where on earth was your logic in making that decision? So unbelievably hurtful. Why on earth would she invest in your child after that blow?