My dad and step mum are ignoring me

[HudsonFar]

18 months ago I met the love of my life. Shortly afterwards we found we were expecting a baby. We, and our families were overjoyed. All good. A couple of months ago we decided to get married, but didn’t have much money so decided on a small ceremony at a registry office. I invited my biological mum, my Dad, a couple of siblings and friends and same for my partner.

My Dad was upset that I hadn’t invited my step mum and despite me explaining that we were very restricted on numbers, he decided not to attend as he felt as my step mum had ‘been in my life since I was 7’ , it was ‘completely out of order’. I’ve never had any issues with step mum, but at the same time am not as close to her as my Dad.

My partner and I both feel it was our wedding and therefore entirely our decision to invite who we wanted and that should be respected.

We clearly have different views, but now there is no contact between us and them. This makes us so sad as they are missing out on seeing their grand child. I’m not sure how to go forward from this? Are they being unreasonable?

OP, if your SM wasn’t good enough to make the cut for your wedding why are you so keen to involve her in your DC’s life? Families come in many forms. Give that honour to those you are genuinely close to.

Unless you really are after free child care, in which case you have been stupid as well as cruel.

Your SM was in your life since you were 7 and you didnt invite her? And you invited your dad separately? Unless your SM was horrible to you, that is very unreasonable OP, sorry.

The hurt the stepmother felt must have been deep and I don’t blame her now from not continuing with the relationship but after the shock I would be telling the dad to go to the wedding.

Nothing would stop me from going to my sons’ weddings and it would be incomprehensible for the eldest not to invite his stepfather but I would go to that wedding no matter what and I would do anything to have a relationship with my grandchildren.

you need to apologise to your dad and step mum, maybe then you can move forward, what you did was really hurtful and it’s difficult to see that you wouldn’t have realised that. Maybe reflect on why you chose to do this?

if I was you I would be apologising and apologising . I am surprise that once your Dad said he wasn’t coming you didn’t come to your senses and realise. You didn’t have your Dad at your wedding, you have a Dad and unless a back story no way should you have gotten married without him. Your DC is important. His DC ( you ) is important. His DW is too. Own up to your mistake and hopefully get your Dad back

I am going against the grain slightly in that I can see why you did what you did. But it is understandable that your step mother is upset. Unfortunately, you treating both steps in the same manner has not paid off. I assume that your mother’s husband has taken things with good grace.

We put off getting married for years to avoid the issue of my divorced parents including my fathers wife, being in the same room. There would have been an awful atmosphere at the very least (although there is no indication that there would have been in this instance). We eventually went off and married on our own with 2 witnesses.

Lots of comments on here about its not surprising that they don’t want anything to do with your child, which to me is mind blowing that adult(s) want to take out their anger on an innocent babe.

You have been completely unreasonable.

The way to move forward to completely accept this and unreservedly apologise. And then put in some effort to repairing the damage caused.

Gosh I think that's awful. She's been in your life since you were 7. I'd be devastated. You need to apologise.

That's a really awful thing to do - you must have hurt her deeply and you don't seem to care. I'm not surprised they are distances themselves.

I hope you put the work into sorting out the mess and rebuilding the bridge

I don't think that OP can repair this, unless she has a time machine.
She told her SM clearly that she's not family to her. She can't invite her to the wedding now, that's past and gone.

OP you have been very cruel, and thoughtless.

You're not really painting yourself in a good light here, OP.

Whichever

They're not coming back

YABVVU

It's either the childcare you're missing (yes - YOU, not them) or inheritance you feel you're entitled to

You excluded her, and by proxy, your dad. Now you want them to 'have a relationship' with your DC. You want to have your cake and eat it.
Actions have consequences - as you've found out.

And as PP have said, your posts are all about you - you've acted horribly towards someone who has been in your life since you were a child - I'm not surprised they're upset with you.

Then apologise

Well that was potentially rude also. How long has he been in her life? Is he basically a step father or a recent boyfriend?

I can see why they are very hurt.
I’m older do don’t get the your wedding/your day vibe that seems to be the current fad.
This is a good example of the type of long term issues ‘it’s your day’ causes.
It’s very poor etiquette to exclude spouses from invite plus she’s been your step mum since you were little. Your actions say she means little to you and put your dad in a horrible place.
I’d apologise but I can’t see anything but a polite distant relationship in future.

The innocent babe won’t care!

Why should they be interested in your child? You picked your friends as priority well, that decision came at a cost.

The fact that you haven't apologised or made any move to build bridges just shows your staggering self-absorbedness and lack of awareness of anybody else.

Their grandchild is only special because of the relationship that they have with you... which you've completely disregarded.

If you've got a good relationship with her then I honestly think you've done it irreparable damage forever to be frank.

I am only 31 and I have been a step mum to my step daughters since they were 4. They are almost 16 now, so I was only 20. They don't have a relationship with their real mum and they never have done.

If this happened to me, I would be beyond devastated and shocked.

I wouldn't ever be able to get over it. I would instantly be re evaluating my entire relationship with you. How grossly mislead she must feel.

You have made a public statement that she is irrelevant and unimportant. Yet want her to be a part of your child's life? Guess what - she probably doesn't think she's anything to your child now. I would be crushed.

You f*caked up massively here.

How cruel and thoughtless.

I would seriously re think your entire relationship and reflect on the input she has had in your life and the influence she had raising and caring for you. If she's been a good step up, you should be on your knees before them apologising.

Shocking.

They are also protecting themselves from future hurt. If they do get involved with the child then they know at drop of a hat you’ll exclude her as she isn’t a blood relative eg not inviting her to Christening, shows or school events child in etc. Why would they subject themselves to that.

Actions and consequences- far-reaching they may be.

You can only be mad with yourself for robbing your child of their grandparents.

I can’t believe that you honestly thought prioritising inviting a friend to your wedding over your stepmother who has helped bring you up, was remotely ok?

You need to take a long look at yourself in the mirror and try to think about how often you’ve put someone else’s wishes above your own and to your own detriment. Has it ever happened or are you used to always getting your own way?

If you really want relations to improve and for your child to get to know their grandparents, you need to sincerely apologise for your error of judgement and show you mean it by your continuing actions, not just words.

If you say so dear.