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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My dad and step mum are ignoring me

517 replies

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 21:58

18 months ago I met the love of my life. Shortly afterwards we found we were expecting a baby. We, and our families were overjoyed. All good. A couple of months ago we decided to get married, but didn’t have much money so decided on a small ceremony at a registry office. I invited my biological mum, my Dad, a couple of siblings and friends and same for my partner.

My Dad was upset that I hadn’t invited my step mum and despite me explaining that we were very restricted on numbers, he decided not to attend as he felt as my step mum had ‘been in my life since I was 7’ , it was ‘completely out of order’. I’ve never had any issues with step mum, but at the same time am not as close to her as my Dad.

My partner and I both feel it was our wedding and therefore entirely our decision to invite who we wanted and that should be respected.

We clearly have different views, but now there is no contact between us and them. This makes us so sad as they are missing out on seeing their grand child. I’m not sure how to go forward from this? Are they being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Ellie56 · 28/07/2023 09:42

Are they being unreasonable?

Nope. You were when you didn't invite your step mum, who has been in your life since you were a small child (and who presumably cared for you during that time) to your wedding.

billy1966 · 28/07/2023 09:45

Despite your father pointing out his upset, you motored on.

Absolutely awful, but your wedding, your choice.

You will have to live with the consequences of your choices.

In your step mothers place I would be telling my husband that his relationship with you and your children was HIS business only and on HIS time.

Your father is appalled by your behaviour and has no wish to be around you either.

I cannot understand how anyone would want to cause such needless hurt and upset around their wedding for a parent.

What an awful taint on the day.

Accept your fathers decision and that of your step mother and leave them in peace.

fluffypinkclouds · 28/07/2023 09:50

They arent being unreasonable- you are.

You say you want them to have a relationship with their grandchild and yet you are treating your step mum as if she isnt even part of your family!! So, seems like you want her to be family when it suits you and leave her out when it doesnt.

How would you feel if your step mum left your child out because they arent blood related?- I bet you'd be pissed as anything. Well, the same goes here.

Of course you have every right to invite whom you want to your wedding.
They also have the right to feel incredibly hurt and reduce contact.

You are going to have to build a lot of bridges to mend this, if you can be bothered that is.

Id578 · 28/07/2023 09:50

TightPants · 28/07/2023 09:38

Wow. What a massive public snub for your SM (and your Dad by default). She’s been in your life since you were 7?

If I were a SM and this happened to me, no amount of apologies would make up for this.
It’s actually laughable that you are now hurt by their not wanting to be in your child’s life, when you have shown them what you think of them.

Exactly this. My stepson is only 11 but I would be so upset if he treated me like this in the future.

They are not so much ignoring you as reeling from your treatment of them - I don’t think you can expect them to now jump at the chance to see ‘their grandchild’ as they have been shown you don’t see your stepmother in that light. It’s good to see that other posters can empathise with stepmothers’ feelings in these circumstances.

jmh740 · 28/07/2023 09:51

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 22:05

maybe it was wrong not inviting her, however I feel really hurt that they are missing out on spending time with their grand child. Surely that’s more important?

You say their grandchild but she probably doesn't feel as though it's her granchild if you didn't invite her to the wedding, you have shown her you don't consider her as family and she isn't important to you. You have also hurt your dad by snubbing his wife.
I've been in my step sons life since he was 7 I would be devastated if I wasn't invited to his wedding.
I'm not sure how you can rebuild this I would find it very difficult to forgive and move on from this.

WannaBeRecluse · 28/07/2023 09:52

I suppose as the step mother here I'd be questioning how much you saw me as a GP to your child, given you didn't invite me to the wedding. If I'm not seen as part of the family do I want to risk emotionally investing in a child with the huge grief that could come if my involvement with that child isn't secure? You've sent a very strong message by not inviting your step mother who has cared for you since you were 7. It's a hard lesson to learn and hopefully you can heal your relationship in time, but sometimes we do need to consider other people's feelings when we make decisions, even if we have the full right to make them. It can have ongoing consequences.

moonlitnoir · 28/07/2023 09:58

If I'm not seen as part of the family do I want to risk emotionally investing in a child with the huge grief that could come if my involvement with that child isn't secure? You've sent a very strong message by not inviting your step mother who has cared for you since you were 7

This is basically the crux of it. Why should your step mum get emotionally invested in your child when the wedding snub indicates you dont consider her part of your family? You cant expect people to emotionally boomerang like that, its not fair, and its actually quite cruel to expect emotional investment from others but only when it suits you and to expect them to shut off their emotions when YOU decide they should. If I was her, I would be backing right off to protect myself emotionally.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 28/07/2023 10:00

HudsonFar · 27/07/2023 22:11

Well we thought it was fair as I didn’t invite my biological mum’s partner either.

And two wrongs don't make a right. I think the best you can do is apologise profusely, that your error of judgement has caused unintentional but nevertheless predictable hurt. They may come round in time, with a genuine apology.

1993GoToo · 28/07/2023 10:03

After 16 pages and reams and reams and reams of posters saying the same thing, I think @HudsonFar might have got the message 😁

Greeneyedminx · 28/07/2023 10:07

Just two words …grow up !!!!

Sometimeswinning · 28/07/2023 10:11

1993GoToo · 28/07/2023 10:03

After 16 pages and reams and reams and reams of posters saying the same thing, I think @HudsonFar might have got the message 😁

I think the op could have said "absolutely I got it completely wrong" and we'd still be reading the exact same reams and reams of identical posts!!

Teentaxidriver · 28/07/2023 10:12

You reap what you sow. Terrible decision and now you must sit with the consequences. I’d expect that you have permanently damaged your relationship with your stepmother - good luck with that.

SunsetCurtain · 28/07/2023 10:12

If she wasn't important enough to be invited to the wedding, than surely she's not that important to your child?

Haven't RTFT but assuming someone has pointed out that 18 months is a short short time to meet someone, get married and have a baby in

Im99912 · 28/07/2023 10:16

I’ve been in my SK life since they were 5 & 6
while I wouldn’t go and drop in and visit them on my own I am close to them and even though they are in their thirties I generally see them once a month or so

I would be devestated if they did this and my his jag would be as well

but to be fair one of them had a baby a few months ago and gave the baby my name just the male version of it 😂

Im sure that pisses of their mum as she doesn’t like me but now every time she calls the baby she got to basically say my name 😂

FloweryName · 28/07/2023 10:18

I don’t think you did anything wrong OP. It was your wedding and your choice. Parents need to give up thinking that they have the right to force their choices of partners onto their children.

It’s irrelevant that you’ve never had a problem with this woman and that she’s been around for a long time if you don’t feel particularly close to her. There are probably lots of people on your life that could go in that category, this on isn’t any more deserving of a wedding invitation just because she married your dad.

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 28/07/2023 10:19

Your behaviour has been appalling and now you are reaping the effects of it. You sound very selfish and lacking in self awareness . You have probably destroyed your relationship at least with your step mum but now realise you need them. You must surely bow realise from the volume of replies telling you so that you are the one in the wrong who needs to make a heartfelt apology and admit you were wrong but given you have stopped replying I guess you expected to be told you were justified. Grow a back bone and just apologise.

ScribblingPixie · 28/07/2023 10:22

And yet she wants this 'woman that's been around for a long time' and 'doesn't feel particularly close to' to consider herself grandparent to her child, @FloweryName. Go figure.

readbooksdrinktea · 28/07/2023 10:24

Parents need to give up thinking that they have the right to force their choices of partners onto their children.

No one forced anything on the OP. She made a choice not to invite her stepmother. The father made a choice to support his wife. The OP is now learning that her choices have consequences. Such is life.

namechangenacy · 28/07/2023 10:24

FloweryName · 28/07/2023 10:18

I don’t think you did anything wrong OP. It was your wedding and your choice. Parents need to give up thinking that they have the right to force their choices of partners onto their children.

It’s irrelevant that you’ve never had a problem with this woman and that she’s been around for a long time if you don’t feel particularly close to her. There are probably lots of people on your life that could go in that category, this on isn’t any more deserving of a wedding invitation just because she married your dad.

Op is absolutely entitled to invite whom ever she wants to her wedding your spot on.

But ops dad and sm are absolutely entitled as a result to not play happy families and provide baby sitting services as they aren't family.

You reap what you sow and all that jazz

DirectionToPerfection · 28/07/2023 10:25

FloweryName · 28/07/2023 10:18

I don’t think you did anything wrong OP. It was your wedding and your choice. Parents need to give up thinking that they have the right to force their choices of partners onto their children.

It’s irrelevant that you’ve never had a problem with this woman and that she’s been around for a long time if you don’t feel particularly close to her. There are probably lots of people on your life that could go in that category, this on isn’t any more deserving of a wedding invitation just because she married your dad.

And do you also think it's ok that OP expects this woman to be a grandmother to her child, and is upset that she has withdrawn?

You can't have it both ways.

I disagree with your point anyway, this woman has been married to OP's dad for a long time and there are no underlying issues there, so it was disrespectful not only to SM but also to her Dad to exclude her. I imagine the Dad is feeling very hurt too.

Notanotherusernameplease · 28/07/2023 10:25

It was a spiteful thing to do to not invite your stepmother given how long she’s been in your life.

PrinceHaz · 28/07/2023 10:28

You’re entitled to have who you want at your wedding.
Theyre entitled to have feelings about that choice.
You’ll now need to live with the consequences.

I’m surprised you didn’t foreseee the consequences.

dahliadazed · 28/07/2023 10:32

DH and I eloped. I asked whether we should invite parents on both side, DH said his sibling would be hurt if not invited as would one aunt we are particularly close too If we invited one aunt then we would have needed to invite the others.

We decided that either everyone was invited or everyone was left out or some would be really hurt.

billy1966 · 28/07/2023 10:36

One of my friends is a step mother to two adults for 25 years.

She is so kind but had many many years of PA from her step daughter.
Her step son has always been lovely and accepting of her, they are close.

She couldn't have children and accepted it and moved on.

She was always very firmly held at a distance and accepted it completely, her husband was largely on the fence as there was no overt rudeness, just PA that she was not HER mother etc, which she never claimed to be anyway.

However, when this step daughter married and became pregnant she was very quick to allocate childcare between her now retired step mother and MIL, via her father!

Her own mother has a busy full-time career and has clearly stated she was unavailable.

MIL agreed max two days and she wanted 3 from my friend.

My friend had worked as a teacher for 30 years, received a nice inheritance and promptly retired early, and had zero interest in being tied down.

She communicated to her husband that he was welcome to be involved but she would not be tied down, having finally retired too.

Her husband expected her to come around as she is so kind, by the end of the mat leave.
He was wrong.

She had polite interest in his grandchild and is kind, but no huge interest.

She took to making arrangements the night before to go out with friends and would stay over and not be around the next morning for the first few weeks, to reinforce her position.
She stayed with me a few times.

Her husband very quickly got very snappy with her as the little girl is very full on and the three days were long.

My friend booked a visit to her sister in Australia for 6 weeks as she was both upset and pissed off at her husband attitude and that he wasn't respectful of her right to not want to be free childcare for his daughter.

He was VERY surprised at the trip and she gave him a few home truths before she left.

By the time she returned his grandchild was with a childminder as it was just too much for him🤨.

The past two years have been interesting.
Her husband is a lot more wary of her as he has seen her steel.

Funnily enough she has a much better relationship with her step daughter who has a lot more wary respect for her too.

Her mother has little time for a grandchild, her MIL has other grandchildren, so I think having had her own child she has seen a bit more clearly the kindness my friend has shown her consistently over the past 25 years.

She has helped out a couple of times when SD has been very stuck and has finally gotten some real appreciation from her.

If my friend had been excluded from the wedding and her husband hadn't stood by her, I could imagine it would have been marriage ending.

If the OP is now realising that grandparent involvement would be welcome and handy, she has rightly messed up.

She can't have it both ways.

Livinghappy · 28/07/2023 10:37

I don’t think you did anything wrong OP. It was your wedding and your choice. Parents need to give up thinking that they have the right to force their choices of partners onto their children

I agree with this. I think if you had a small wedding then you restricted numbers so fair enough however it seems your Dad was super sensitive and perhaps that was something to work into the equation.

You have priortised a few friends over your stepmum so I guess she felt she was closer to you. How did step dad react to it?