My dad and step mum are ignoring me

[HudsonFar]

18 months ago I met the love of my life. Shortly afterwards we found we were expecting a baby. We, and our families were overjoyed. All good. A couple of months ago we decided to get married, but didn’t have much money so decided on a small ceremony at a registry office. I invited my biological mum, my Dad, a couple of siblings and friends and same for my partner.

My Dad was upset that I hadn’t invited my step mum and despite me explaining that we were very restricted on numbers, he decided not to attend as he felt as my step mum had ‘been in my life since I was 7’ , it was ‘completely out of order’. I’ve never had any issues with step mum, but at the same time am not as close to her as my Dad.

My partner and I both feel it was our wedding and therefore entirely our decision to invite who we wanted and that should be respected.

We clearly have different views, but now there is no contact between us and them. This makes us so sad as they are missing out on seeing their grand child. I’m not sure how to go forward from this? Are they being unreasonable?

MY DSD refers to her mother as her "bio mum"...me she just calls "mum".

You say ‘their grandchild’ so you think your SM is family enough to care about your dc but not family enough to invite to your wedding? YABU.

I believe so too, in the way it was worded.

TBF - i would ignore you too.. in your life from 7 - she practically helped bring you up and you snub her like this?! Yikes. Poor form OP. YABU.

How do you know? Did the SM also post that she didn't invite the other parents dh? or did you make it up to suit your own feelings on life?

Why would a grown woman post that the other parent's husband didn't get an invite unless the SM is childish? What a daft comment.

Why not, if it’s just a fact and to get a fair view from us

Absolutely. I cannot understand how you thought this would go anyway other then how it did. In your life since 7 and not invited? Incredibly hurtful. Your father did the right thing not going

You were completely out of order.

Parenting involves considering your child's best interests in every decision you make. Did you give any thought to what impact doing this would have on your child's relationships with all of their grandparents going forward?

Your posts seem to imply that you think you'll be able to blame the DGPs for their lack of devotion to their grandchild. Maybe you also thought you could treat them like shit, but there'd be no ramifications because you have their grandchild, so they'll have to accept your lack of respect. Sounds like you're disappointed and stamping your feet now that it didn't go that way.

Relationships between grandchildren and grandparents are built (usually on the hard graft of the parents). If you want your child to have a decent relationship with their DGPs, you'll need to start grafting and, in your case, grovelling. Because what you did was awful.

Doesn't make sense the OP has just had a baby she might be going through PND. The OP is vague because she is busy and tired. I can see all of that happening in the OP's life she didn't plan it well and wanted to be MR and MRS Hudsonfar. Stop looking for conspiracy theories.

OP, you've taken a hammering on this thread but honestly, if you have a normal civil relationship with your stepmum, then she should have been invited.

Yes, you're allowed to have who you want at your wedding but sometimes you have to invite a few extra just because the hurt and upset it will cause if you don't just isn't worth it. I guess you're now seeing the 'fruit' of that decision.

If your dad and stepmum are otherwise reasonable people and you want them in your life, then you could start by writing them a heartfelt letter with an apology. I'd also send some flowers. Acknowledge the hurt that's been caused and say you want them in your life again because you miss them.

Life is just too short (and over too quickly) to let this drag on. Say sorry and start to rebuild the relationship. ❤️

I think differently to the other posters on here, it seems.

It would have been nice for the OP to invite her parents’ spouses - but she didn’t. Presumably they invited some people on her husband’s side so their small wedding could have been 14 (including them). However a wedding is basically a contract with an optional party attached. She didn’t appreciate how badly her father and his wife would take her not being invited. It doesn’t sound as though her mother and her partner reacted the same way.

We are not told whether there are any tensions within this blended family. Friends whose parents have both remarried have had a very difficult time planning weddings. I suspect in the OP’s situation I might have eloped.

Her father choosing to cut out a child and grandchild over a non invite is extreme.

Did you never learn that actions have consequences?

Awful of you, just awful.

You're basically saying here that people should act like doormats. Maybe they've decided to stick to their principles? Not seeing their grand child would have been a massive thing for them to decide. Their only other option would have been to sweep the past under the carpet. You could reasonably question why people should do this when you behaved so incredibly selfishly.

Stop telling people on a chat forum what they can and can not write.

You're doing the same thing, pinkishlemonade?

Exactly thank you

I’d be absolutely devastated if my step children had done this to me. You’re saying your step mum is not important to you by not having invited her to your wedding and that is beyond hurtful. I feel hurt for your dad and step mum. I think you gave a lot to make up for.

So now your step mum is grandparent to your child but wasn’t important enough to be invited to your wedding? When it suits….

People don't have to love and care for anyone else's child especially one they aren't blood related to. If they do care, it's a wonderful gift to you and your child, not the other way around. So it's smart to facilitate those good relationships. If they do love your child, it's not a good idea to hurt their feelings or hold your child over them like a prize. Most other people do not feel the same about your precious first born as you do. I don't think some people on Mumsnet understand this.

How do you see yourself repairing this relationship? What can you do now to build bridges with your father and step mum?

Yes, I agree Direction. Superfood must believe they are much more clever than the rest of us thickos! Do you know this for a fact? No, thought not.

@billy1966 I am in awe of your friend, and her nerves of steel! I can see a similar situation possibly developing here.... I will hold her in my heart as my role model!

I love your friend. She is amazing and an example to Step mothers everywhere. Let her know she has a fan club here.

Another fan here! So good to hear.