Who is being unreasonable here? - Charging adult child for rent

[IAmTheBFG]

Hi Mumsnet,

I am a 21 year old recent graduate who has just moved home after finishing university. I have a training contract with a City law firm, which means I am spending the next two years studying, receiving a maintenance grant of £12,000 in the first year and £20,000 in the second year. I am living at home for the first year and aim to move out to a house-share in London in the second year. This is because my parents live an hour and a half commute door-to-door from the university I am studying at and the second year is meant to be more intense academically, so I think it would be beneficial to be able to spend more time studying rather than commuting.

As a result, I'd like to save £7,000 of the first year maintenance grant to ensure I can afford to move out in the second year. That leaves me with £5,000 to cover all my expenses, including travel, which I estimate to cost about £1,400. Therefore, after travel, I have £3,600 to pay for books, replacing shoes and clothes as they wear out, socialising at London prices, and train tickets to visit my boyfriend.

Here is where the dilemma ensues: what would be a reasonable amount for my parents to charge me for rent? They have suggested £30/week, but given after saving and travel I will only have £70/week spare, £30 seems a bit steep. Their rationale is that paying them a token amount demonstrates I appreciate being able to live at home, will help keep me grounded, and demonstrates willingness to contribute to the family.

I am happy to increase the amount I pay them if I get a part-time job, but I am unsure whether it will be possible to manage a job alongside a three-hour round trip commute and the demands of my course. While I don't have a steady part-time job over this summer holidays, I am working for a week at a summer school (so 7 days of 11 hour shifts) and have signed up to freelance for an events agency. This is also not for want of trying, after my exams finished I applied for five summer jobs and reached the final interview stages for two of them.

For context, I have never done anything which would suggest to my parents that I take their generosity for granted. From the age of fourteen, I worked for six hours a week as a tutor and the day after Sixth Form ended abruptly because of the pandemic, I got a job in a supermarket working for 25 hours per week. While at university, I worked for five hours a week in second year, going up to twelve hours a week in final year, and have always worked during the university holidays doing a combination of hospitality jobs and legal internships. This is all alongside getting top grades at A-Level and during my degree.

Apologies for what is a bit of a long post, but if you were my parents, would you be happy with me saving £7,000 out of a £12,000 grant, and how much would you charge me to live at home this year?

If you were my child I wouldn't charge you any rent, however I can afford to do that, can your parents?

If you were my DC I wouldn't charge you anything to live at home for that year. I would see that you had budgeted wisely and were working towards improving your employment prospects for the future.

£30 a week is ridiculously low, frankly. It should be at £50 and then that's low. You are an adult and have to take responsibility for yourself. Insulting them with such a low offer is rude.

Could you offer £15 per week for 2 years (still moving out after 1 year) rather than £30 a week for a year?

Apologies, I should have included this in my initial post: both of my parents work full-time in well-paid professional jobs and have substantial savings so any rent I paid them would not make a material difference to the family's finances.

In addition, because I was on the minimum maintenance grant at university, my parents paid for my accommodation while I covered everything else (gas and electricity bill, groceries etc.) so in some ways they're financially better of this year while I'm at home than they were when I was at university.

£30 a week?? Includes all food/internet/council tax?

If I could afford it I wouldn't charge you anything as you seem sensible in your budgeting.

Do they need your money to run the household?

Also, do they plan on keeping this money for you (like a savings plan) and they will then give it you back when you move out or for something substantial like a car?

This is MN we're most people seem to be earning several figures and expect parents to bank roll their children well into their 40's 🙄 so you'll probably get loads of posters telling you YANBU.

But honestly OP, 30quid a week is nothing. You sound spoiled and massively out of touch with the cost of living.

Pay it and be grateful your living expenses are so cheap.

30 a week is nothing you would spend considerable more elsewhere wbybshould your parent subside you?

Given the circumstances you describe, I wouldn't be charging you rent at all. You are studying, trying to work and generally get your life together. Do they really need £30.00 per week to make ends meet? If so, then fair enough, but if not, then (If I were your parent) I would be continuing to support you as you build your career.

Did you ask them beforehand? Was there a discussion?

Extra study is your choice. You factor in socialising in London and trains to a bf before paying your costs?

I agree with your parents that it's important to contribute to the household and I think £30 is a very small contribution. I would probably ask for more actually.
If you can't save as much as you had planned then you will have to adjust your plans.

This!!

And also you should be factoring in paying your board before London socialising and visiting your bf.

I wouldn't charge you anything. I do not understand the mentality of people charging their child to live at home, especially on a training contract with minimal pay. Add to that you are saving most of your money (for sensible reasons) I don't think they should be charging you

Yes agree. You’re an adult… contribute?!

I don’t understand why you want to save £7k in your first year for your second year? You’re going to have a £20k grant to last you in your second year - it won’t be a comfortable existence living in London on that amount, but it’s do-able.

If you were my child I would be charging you £400 a month all-inclusive rent.

Of the 27k you will have next year, what are your expected bills for that year and what sort of leftover cash would you have per week?

Especially given that your commuting costs would be gone.

I have been asking them repeatedly since Easter what contribution they would like me to pay and each time it has been brushed off with a 'we'll talk about it later'.

With regards to socialising, everyone on my course is training for the same profession, so socialising is important as it is realistically networking with future colleagues in an industry where who you know is important. I take the point about trains to my bf's though, thank you for your input.

“In addition, because I was on the minimum maintenance grant at university, my parents paid for my accommodation while I covered everything else (gas and electricity bill, groceries etc.) so in some ways they're financially better of this year while I'm at home than they were when I was at university.”

Oh wow, lucky them!

You’re 21 now though, come on, how long do you expect them to support you? I have a 19 year-old living at home; he pays far more than £30/week to live here, because it costs far more than that.

What does your £30 cover? Food?

I can't actually believe you're questioning it!

I think you should pay at least a token amount to your parents if you're factoring in socialising at London prices

You are a 21 year old adult, the extra study is your choice, the location is your choice, and the decision to live at home because of the financial convenience, again, is your choice.

Have you considered the impact on your parents? What have they put on hold to facilitate and support you? Perhaps they would like to move house?, travel? Convert your room to a sex dungeon?

Your post is all about servicing your needs, which is fine, but for the sake of a paltry 30 a week- I would look into why that is even raising a question in your mind? To me it smacks of entitlement, how long are you expecting your parents to subsidise your lifestyle?

Your otherwise sensible post got blown at the London solicalising prices really. Follow ups are continuing to make you sound a tad spoilt.

So I think the £30 is a reasonable compromise. If you want to socialise more you'll need to fund that with a job, over your board. That's kind of how adulting works sadly...

so in some ways they're financially better of this year while I'm at home than they were when I was at university

Maybe they are trying to recoup some of their costs, not add more!

Maybe they anticipated the amount they spent you living away was all they'd have to pay and that you would he independently after graduating?

£30 pw is what? Less than 3 hours work at minimum wage? Get a few hours work each Saturday or Sunday morning somewhere.