Who is being unreasonable here? - Charging adult child for rent

[IAmTheBFG]

Hi Mumsnet,

I am a 21 year old recent graduate who has just moved home after finishing university. I have a training contract with a City law firm, which means I am spending the next two years studying, receiving a maintenance grant of £12,000 in the first year and £20,000 in the second year. I am living at home for the first year and aim to move out to a house-share in London in the second year. This is because my parents live an hour and a half commute door-to-door from the university I am studying at and the second year is meant to be more intense academically, so I think it would be beneficial to be able to spend more time studying rather than commuting.

As a result, I'd like to save £7,000 of the first year maintenance grant to ensure I can afford to move out in the second year. That leaves me with £5,000 to cover all my expenses, including travel, which I estimate to cost about £1,400. Therefore, after travel, I have £3,600 to pay for books, replacing shoes and clothes as they wear out, socialising at London prices, and train tickets to visit my boyfriend.

Here is where the dilemma ensues: what would be a reasonable amount for my parents to charge me for rent? They have suggested £30/week, but given after saving and travel I will only have £70/week spare, £30 seems a bit steep. Their rationale is that paying them a token amount demonstrates I appreciate being able to live at home, will help keep me grounded, and demonstrates willingness to contribute to the family.

I am happy to increase the amount I pay them if I get a part-time job, but I am unsure whether it will be possible to manage a job alongside a three-hour round trip commute and the demands of my course. While I don't have a steady part-time job over this summer holidays, I am working for a week at a summer school (so 7 days of 11 hour shifts) and have signed up to freelance for an events agency. This is also not for want of trying, after my exams finished I applied for five summer jobs and reached the final interview stages for two of them.

For context, I have never done anything which would suggest to my parents that I take their generosity for granted. From the age of fourteen, I worked for six hours a week as a tutor and the day after Sixth Form ended abruptly because of the pandemic, I got a job in a supermarket working for 25 hours per week. While at university, I worked for five hours a week in second year, going up to twelve hours a week in final year, and have always worked during the university holidays doing a combination of hospitality jobs and legal internships. This is all alongside getting top grades at A-Level and during my degree.

Apologies for what is a bit of a long post, but if you were my parents, would you be happy with me saving £7,000 out of a £12,000 grant, and how much would you charge me to live at home this year?

I personally wouldn’t charge you. Same as your parents did we are financially supporting our 18 year old through uni by topping up her maintenance loan. She does work in the holidays and puts money aside to help us cover her living expenses. She’s sensible and hard working, doesn’t take the mick so we are happy to help. If she then decided to do something similar to you in a few years time then we would continue to support her, especially with a carefully laid out plan such as you have and I wouldn’t charge rent while she was at home.
You sound like you have your head screwed on right and a good attitude.

I wish you the best of luck with your studying and hope it all
works out 😊

I wouldn’t charge you provided you agreed to do chores such as taking fair share of emptying dishwasher, putting own laundry away keeping room clean and helping in kitchen. Can you parents afford for you not to pay? I’d be suggesting some cleaning at weekends equiv to £30, eg 3 hours.

How much do you think a young person needs to live and socialise in London.

£30 per week seems reasonable to me - a good way to make this back might be finding a child to tutor through exams. You can charge £30-50 per hour and won’t take more than 3-4 hours out of your week.

The whole point of working when you financially don’t need to is to teach independence and financial accountability. Sounds like they’ve already taught you this and you have worked your bum off to get to where you are, with little financial help. I’m not sure why they wouldn’t just let you live there to be perfectly honest. This will obviously benefit you massively in the long run and have very little benefits to your parents. I’d be extremely proud of the person I was raising and want to help if this situation was mine!

I really feel for you. No new clothes for four years! What happened to Xmas and birthday gifts?

Your parents are being tight imo

If your parents are the caring professionals that are not dependent on the £30 a week from you to cover costs, they will be keen to see you develop your future. You sound like you’ve always worked and paid your way, despite studying full time ( which by the way is full time work - you shouldn’t have to work extra than that). If you are over 21 and a graduate yes, I think you should be paying something towards board to live at home. But realistically this shouldn’t be more than for food and maybe the extra that will be spent on electricity etc. As for other costs such as council tax, mortgage, this wouldn’t be less for your parents if you weren’t at home. Study hard and prepare for your career, some sacrifices might have to be made in the mean time.
However, London is ridiculously expensive and a complete money sink - maybe look at some other options too in the longer term.

It's a token amount, and you're very lucky to have them supporting you so just pay it. If you haggle its ungracious and they'll be less willing to help you out another time.

I would have been so upset if my parents ever charged me rent eventhough I know logically it should be ok for them to ask me to contribute. It would just be really weird if they did that so I would never ever do this with my kids.

Upset at being treated like an adult? Grow up.

It's an emotional thing. My mum still sees me as her baby eventhough I'm 31. I have known that my parent's home is my safe haven if I ever needed one e.g. if I ever go bankrupt or something. I'm not saying it's right but sometimes you can't help how you feel.

It can still be your safe haven if you contribute though.

Have you contributed in other ways (food shop, takeaway for all, chores?)

I haven't lived with my parents since graduation and they don't need my contribution. I have gifted them holidays every year, taken them out for meals and brought them things that I think would improve their quality of life. They are wealthier than me but I want to show I'm grateful for everything they've done for me

I wouldn't charge you if I didn't need the money (my parents never charged me) but they did and I would insist you saved a lot, which you are.
If £30 a week is what they insist on though that's still only £130 a month so I think I would pay that as your bills would come to more than that if you moved out.

You could delay moving out by one month (eg October rather than September) and that would offset the total rent you've paid your parents this year.

You might also consider a loan if you need to (although I don't think you do) as you'll be guaranteed big money after your training contract.

You could also sign up to a baby sitting agency locally for the weekends that you don't visit your bf - easy money as you can study after the kids have fallen asleep

She's going to be exhausted with the commute and all the studying though it's a very intense year she won't have much time on weekends for extra 'work' or any time at all in the week

I disagree, I was charged no rent and saved up a lot and was able to afford a home! My parents definitely did me a big favour

Do you have to pay tax on your grants?

Congratulations on the training contract.

Only thing I would say is that you probably haven’t budgeting enough for next year. I doubt you will find anywhere with that price range.

As someone who has done a training contract in London, I promise you that you will not be "networking" with future colleagues. You are unlikely to ever come across them again after your training contract. I don't even recall ever having come across anyone I did my LPC with never mind training contract!

@Happyfluffball
i second that. Grow up! Paying our way is part of life

Honestly.. pay it. Graciously, if you can manage. I think it’s a bit silly they want it off you too , but it’s clearly important to them and £30 a week isn’t the hill die on. It’ll show your parents you respect their money and could work out better for you in the long run. When you need money in the future (and you probably will, we all do ) they will be more likely to say yes / offer without you asking.
Your parents sound a bit like mine, somehow expecting nothing can get better results!

To give you a bit of context, when I started work, many moons ago, I was earning £6,300 a year. My parents charged me £30 a week. I also had a similar commute.

You sound like a very sensible girl. I think £40 a week is practically nothing considering the increased in costs the last couple of years. So I think you should not contend the £30, if anything, find a Saturday job if you still want to achieve your savings goals. Your parents sound like they are in a good financial position and because the way you say they worded the conversation "they need to see a commitment and contribution to the household", I think they are using this as a way of instilling good financial sense in you l, but they will probably just gift you the money you contributed at the end of your stay.

£30 pw would have made no significant difference to that.
Op is planning to pay rent out in the big bad world next year. It will not be anywhere in the region of £30pw. 😁