Who is being unreasonable here? - Charging adult child for rent

[IAmTheBFG]

Hi Mumsnet,

I am a 21 year old recent graduate who has just moved home after finishing university. I have a training contract with a City law firm, which means I am spending the next two years studying, receiving a maintenance grant of £12,000 in the first year and £20,000 in the second year. I am living at home for the first year and aim to move out to a house-share in London in the second year. This is because my parents live an hour and a half commute door-to-door from the university I am studying at and the second year is meant to be more intense academically, so I think it would be beneficial to be able to spend more time studying rather than commuting.

As a result, I'd like to save £7,000 of the first year maintenance grant to ensure I can afford to move out in the second year. That leaves me with £5,000 to cover all my expenses, including travel, which I estimate to cost about £1,400. Therefore, after travel, I have £3,600 to pay for books, replacing shoes and clothes as they wear out, socialising at London prices, and train tickets to visit my boyfriend.

Here is where the dilemma ensues: what would be a reasonable amount for my parents to charge me for rent? They have suggested £30/week, but given after saving and travel I will only have £70/week spare, £30 seems a bit steep. Their rationale is that paying them a token amount demonstrates I appreciate being able to live at home, will help keep me grounded, and demonstrates willingness to contribute to the family.

I am happy to increase the amount I pay them if I get a part-time job, but I am unsure whether it will be possible to manage a job alongside a three-hour round trip commute and the demands of my course. While I don't have a steady part-time job over this summer holidays, I am working for a week at a summer school (so 7 days of 11 hour shifts) and have signed up to freelance for an events agency. This is also not for want of trying, after my exams finished I applied for five summer jobs and reached the final interview stages for two of them.

For context, I have never done anything which would suggest to my parents that I take their generosity for granted. From the age of fourteen, I worked for six hours a week as a tutor and the day after Sixth Form ended abruptly because of the pandemic, I got a job in a supermarket working for 25 hours per week. While at university, I worked for five hours a week in second year, going up to twelve hours a week in final year, and have always worked during the university holidays doing a combination of hospitality jobs and legal internships. This is all alongside getting top grades at A-Level and during my degree.

Apologies for what is a bit of a long post, but if you were my parents, would you be happy with me saving £7,000 out of a £12,000 grant, and how much would you charge me to live at home this year?

This. I will never charge my children rent to live in their own home, particularly when they are clearly working hard to set themselves up for their future. I would expect you to contribute to chores etc but wouldn't charge you anything.

Op remember your parents didn't always earn the big bucks!

Back in the day 17 yo me got £47 a week, on a YTS, (go look that up) £15 went to mum, £10 on the bus ticket 🎟

£30 in 2023 is a bargain 👌
Appreciate it

Say ‘Look Mum, Dad, call it 25 quid a week and you’ve got yourselves a deal. Play your cards right and when I’m a hot shot lawyer, I’ll give you mates rates on your divorce.’

£30 is nothing, OP. An absolute pittance. I would think a minimum of £150 in your circumstances.

Your board to your parents should be a much higher financial priority to you than clothes and socialising. Those come after the essentials, not before.

They have bank-rolled you through a degree. They are subsidising your living costs an extraordinary amount and asking just a token amount.

Accept it with grace, and appreciate how fortunate you are.

We are not particularly high earners and I wouldn't charge you anything.
As long as you were tidy, respectful of the home and contributed to household chores then fine by me. My answer would only change if we were very much needing the money as a family but that isn't the case here as you have said.

The London universities usually have suggested budgets on their websites. That is a good place to start.

I would also call around letting agents to ask whether your maintenance grant will be accepted as income for the credit check (student loans aren't, usually stipends are) and how they calculate affordability (usually 2.5x or 3x income). You may find that you need to pay rent up front or have a guarantor or pay for guarantor insurance.

I would not charge you anything as you say your parents have a good income. However, in reality if you were my child I would probably have to as I don't have a high income and I would lose my single person council tax reduction as well have higher energy bills.

£30 per week isn't a lot though. I know people on these kinds of contracts and they don't live at home and have to pay rent from the beginning.

You are an adult with a job, training job, but a job none the less, £30pw is less than a token amount imo and I think it is more than reasonable.
If however you don't feel this is fair you are free to look for alternative accommodation.
If I were in your shoes I would happily agree to pay that amount and I'm 90% sure your parents will be saving at least some of it for you.
This is what being an adult entails, bills first, socialising and travel costs to see bf 2nd.
I would concentrate on looking for more work and keep wages as savings rather than setting an amount before hand, you shouldn't need 27K for your second year as others have said.

Saving from a maintenance loan isn't what they are for. It's really that simple.

My first job paid £99.60 per week and I paid my parents £30per week rent! OK it was the late 90's 😀.

I think as you are working and receiving an income you should pay rent to your parents even if it is only a token payment of £30 per week.

I wouldn't charge my DD in this situation, and I'm single and only on an average income. I would expect her to buy food sometimes though when I needed stuff.

As much as you would like to save £7000 of the 12000 from your parents point of view you are getting 12000, so 1000 a month they are asking for 120 of that leaving you 880 to split how you like! So you could socialise less and save more, if you really want to save 7000

No worries! The OH and I have been together since he was a baby lawyer and I was just finishing my MSc (we were very poor back in the day!), so although I haven't experienced it personally, I've seen what he's gone through.

As I say, it will be hard and (assuming you're with one of the bigger firms - Magic Circle or blue chip) the next two-five years will be CRAZY, but you will also have a lot of fun, meet a lot of good people, set up a good network (some of my OH's best friends are, to this day, folk he met while doing his diploma and TC) and hopefully build a long and enjoyable career.

I know law is a hard shift and it's a profession that's infamous for burnout / dropouts, but my OH's experience has been mostly positive and I think he would say it has been worth it.

All the best (but do give your folks £30 😉).

I didn't charge my kids anything. My friend charged her daughter £50 pw and saved the money to give back to her when she moved out. My children couldn't get over my friend's generosity...

I think YANBU. You are a student, and have a sensible plan for next year. However, I would look at how much you plan to spend socialising "at London prices" and on visiting your boyfriend and evaluate whether any of that is excessive.
Also, are you paying for your own food? If not then I'm changing my vote to yabu! You should be paying for your food, but not rent IMO

I wouldn't charge, subject to your helping around the house. If your parents can afford it, then that's fair enough. You'll have a long commute, a reasonably demanding 2 years of courses and then will be flogged to near death for the next umpteen years if you're working in a city law firm. It's only a year and as a parent I'd want to give you a break for that time.

The OP is certainly contributing to the running of the home.
If I were her parents I might charge her a 'token' which I would put aside for her.

Be generous to her now, she might be generous to them in the future. Especially if they ever need it

I wouldn't charge you anything given the circumstances you outline. I completely understand the principle of charging to ensure young adults learn to support themselves etc. But you are doing a training contract in order to enter a specific career. I would only start charging you when you finished training and got an actual job. It seems bizarre to me that your parents are charging when they don't need the money.

I paid rent to my mum from the age of 18, and was happy to do so - because she was disabled and couldn't afford to keep me. So I don't object at all to kids earning their keep. But I think how and when depends on circumstances.

If you are budgeting sensibly, saving a bit towards the future & studying hard for better employment prospects I wouldn't charge you a penny. Especially if I were better off as I'm no longer helping you with uni accommodation.
Yes, you are an adult so some pp say you should stand on your own two feet. Only on mumsnet are you not supposed to help out your adult dc, even if you can afford it.
As long as you're working hard, saving some & contributing to household chores I wouldn't charge you anything.

I wouldn't charge you, I'd want to support you in your career, but it's your parents house so their rules I suppose.
Good luck with your studies.

@Nanny0gg

ahh the good old mumsnet attitude of ‘do everything for your kids always, don’t allow them to contribute to the house in which they live even though they are adults and earning money otherwise they will treat you badly in your old age, go no contact and put you in a home. Give them all your money and your house too- they didn’t ask to be born after all! It’s just what being a parent is’

meanwhile in the real world…

I wouldn't charge you any rent, I would be glad that you seem to have your head firmly screwed on, you do understand money and you are working hard.

Agree with others - £30 is a very token amount and I really wouldn’t try to ‘negotiate’ on it as it truly already is exceptionally low. Whether or not some parents wouldn’t charge anything is kind of beside the point.

You sound like a great daughter or son - you’ve worked hard and have brilliant job prospects but you may look back on this post in a few years with mild embarrassment when you realise how little your parents were asking compared to how much they have given 🙂

the more appreciative and generous you are towards them, the more it may come back to you (good rule for relationships in general…)

Any amount below or up to market rent is a reasonable amount - they're not obliged to facilitate you doing extra study, harsh as it might sound. Many parents would want to, but they would not be unreasonable to be unwilling to. The deal they have offered you sounds pretty cheap to me.

I personally wouldn’t charge you and find it short sighted that your parents would ( IF they can afford it!) as sounds exhausting between commuting and studying and it’s more of an ‘investment’ to it you concentrate on doing a really good first year

nb I understand when people are forced to charge however personally only would in dire straits