Who is being unreasonable here? - Charging adult child for rent

[IAmTheBFG]

Hi Mumsnet,

I am a 21 year old recent graduate who has just moved home after finishing university. I have a training contract with a City law firm, which means I am spending the next two years studying, receiving a maintenance grant of £12,000 in the first year and £20,000 in the second year. I am living at home for the first year and aim to move out to a house-share in London in the second year. This is because my parents live an hour and a half commute door-to-door from the university I am studying at and the second year is meant to be more intense academically, so I think it would be beneficial to be able to spend more time studying rather than commuting.

As a result, I'd like to save £7,000 of the first year maintenance grant to ensure I can afford to move out in the second year. That leaves me with £5,000 to cover all my expenses, including travel, which I estimate to cost about £1,400. Therefore, after travel, I have £3,600 to pay for books, replacing shoes and clothes as they wear out, socialising at London prices, and train tickets to visit my boyfriend.

Here is where the dilemma ensues: what would be a reasonable amount for my parents to charge me for rent? They have suggested £30/week, but given after saving and travel I will only have £70/week spare, £30 seems a bit steep. Their rationale is that paying them a token amount demonstrates I appreciate being able to live at home, will help keep me grounded, and demonstrates willingness to contribute to the family.

I am happy to increase the amount I pay them if I get a part-time job, but I am unsure whether it will be possible to manage a job alongside a three-hour round trip commute and the demands of my course. While I don't have a steady part-time job over this summer holidays, I am working for a week at a summer school (so 7 days of 11 hour shifts) and have signed up to freelance for an events agency. This is also not for want of trying, after my exams finished I applied for five summer jobs and reached the final interview stages for two of them.

For context, I have never done anything which would suggest to my parents that I take their generosity for granted. From the age of fourteen, I worked for six hours a week as a tutor and the day after Sixth Form ended abruptly because of the pandemic, I got a job in a supermarket working for 25 hours per week. While at university, I worked for five hours a week in second year, going up to twelve hours a week in final year, and have always worked during the university holidays doing a combination of hospitality jobs and legal internships. This is all alongside getting top grades at A-Level and during my degree.

Apologies for what is a bit of a long post, but if you were my parents, would you be happy with me saving £7,000 out of a £12,000 grant, and how much would you charge me to live at home this year?

Brava!

What was your debt for university tuition 30 years ago?

£30 a week is low in comparison with real world rent and mortgage rates but seeing as you are trying to save I’d maybe cut you some slack so long as I knew you were serious and not frittering money away on boozy nights out etc. If they can afford to not charge you rent maybe put forward a case to them?

Why do you need £27k for your second year? Many London undergraduates manage to live on the £12k maintenance loan (although I concede it must be a struggle).

Have you considered looking for a room in walking/cycling distance from the university so you can save money on travel and free up the hour and half commute time so you have time for a part time job?

Personally, I wouldn't charge my DC in these circumstances if they were making sensible financial choices and not frittering away money but I can afford to do that. I don't think I would be very happy to subsidise them for a year so they can live in the lap of luxury in their second year though. I would want to see a full budget to justify why they need £27k.

If you need the £7k to pay a deposit and rent up front because your income is too low to rent somewhere, I would let you delay paying the rent for this year until next year ie when you are not paying rent because the up front rent is being used, you could pay back the rent from this year.

£30 is not steep. It will barely cover the cost of your food.

I don't think I'd make you pay rent for one year. But yes pick up the household chores for your parents.

I (maybe naively) don't want to have to charge my children rent for living at home. I'd like them to save so they can get themselves on the property ladder and not end up like us, their parents, in a rented house with no way to ever buy a home of their own.

OK, I'll be a bit more clear about it - forget about your savings. Not just because saving at this point isn't a priority, but also because it's overwhelmingly likely that your parents are doing that for you. That's the dual point of the £30/week - getting you used to budgeting when things are tight, and so that you've got a couple of grand to help you move out at the end of it.

At least, that's what we tried to do with our daughter. She absolutely refused, and then whined about having no money when the time came to move out. We explained what we tried to do, and she spent quite a while regretting being a dickhead about it at the time.

Just to say my son is home from uni and I am not charging him any keep while he is working in the holidays - I am even subsidising his petrol to get to work (we have a hybrid so it's not actually that much, though my mum thinks I am too soft). But I think once you get a regular income, whether a grant or earned, you should contribute to the household in proportion with that income.

So for example if parent one earns £50K, parent two earns £30k and child earns £20K, they contribute to the bills in proportions of 50%, 30% and 20% (as mentioned, I'd not charge rent as I don't have a mortgage, others may not be in that fortunate position).

Our 23 year old moved back after graduating last year. He has a pretty well paid job and intends to move out in one more year to buy a house with his partner - who is living separately and also working.
We charge him £375 per month and out of this we also pay for his phone. We're not by any means wealthy, but probably could manage without it; but he knows that he needs to contribute and gets a pretty good lifestyle out of it! Added to which, he'll have to be paying a lot more when they have a mortgage.

My personal belief is that not charging, whatever wealth you have, does the adult child no favours at all. He's managing to save as well - around £10k so far, while understanding that living isn't free!

Once DC start earning it is good life education for them to start paying rent, whether to parents or someone else. When I started my first job (a very long time ago), a very low paid basic grade NHS one that paid me £4.75 net per week, I sat down with my parents and discussed my budget. It was decided that I should pay my parents 25% of my take home pay, another 25% was to pay commuting costs, 25% was to be saved and the remainder to cover my clothes, shoes, lunches and socialising. This remained the pattern for 7 years until I married and left home. Each year I enjoyed a holiday and when my wedding was being planned my mother confessed that my ‘rent’ had been saved and was available to pay for my wedding, or a smaller wedding and a lump sum towards furnishing our first home. This arrangement set me up very well for a lifetime of sensible budgeting and I have always been grateful to my parents for teaching me this life skill.

Do your parents have a cleaner? Assume if they arent badly off, they do. Can you take over from the cleaner and pay your way doing that? At least you can keep your money and they are still being paid by not paying the cleaner.

£30 per week is tiny and you are very lucky. I don't think you should expect at 21 to pay nothing.

That isn't relevant - the tuition fees are a cost for the student, not the parents.

I had a very small student loan, about £500 which I paid off before I started my proper job. And that was despite paying my mum a bit of "keep".

If you are just sleeping in the house I probably wouldn't expect payment but if you expect to be fed, watered, using washing machine, WiFi, parents netflix etc you should be paying more than £30!

I can see both points of view. I appreciate that it doesn't seem like your parents really need the money, so they are asking for it solely as a demonstration of being willing to contribute to the family and give you an idea of good money management, which you think you have already demonstrated over the last few years and with you plan going forward so don't see why you should struggle for money for this 1 year just to make a point.

But honestly £30 really is a tiny tiny amount. Your parents have already supported you completely up until age 16 (as of course they should have), and then supported/heavily subsidised you for another 5 years full time education after that. Many of the other trainees on your course won't have the option to stay with parents so will have to somehow rent in London and cover all their expenses on just the £12k and would absolutely bite your arm off for the offer of £30 bed and board a week! If your parents weren't willing to let you move back with them you'd have to get another job (or have taken time out to work and save for a few years) because £12k alone would barely even cover a room in a house share let alone bills and food, forget socialising and trips to see your boyfriend. So I think if that's their very reasonable terms you pretty much have to agree with them even if it means you don't have much left over - 1 year of living frugally when you've got a pretty much guaranteed prospect of a good wage for the rest of your life isn't a huge ask, really.

Although I agree with other posters you might not need to save £7k on top of the wage increase and reduced commuting costs to move out the following year. Even if you cut that to £6k it would give you some more wiggle room.

When my lawyer OH (who is now a senior partner for a global blue chip) was doing his training contract 20 years ago, he worked in a bar on a Saturday night for extra funds.

I am a director for a global IT consultancy and did the same at that age.

The big firms know that they pay peanuts and as such, most of the networking / socialising events you'll be expected to attend will be subsidised by the firm or senior colleagues - you won't be putting your own hand in your pocket for a round in a bar in Central London twice a week.

It's hard, but it's only two years and it's not undoable at 21. I agree with PPs, you're an adult with a job (which will hopefully end up making you A LOT of money over the next few years), so contributing a token amount to your parents is what you should be doing.

Do they pay for your phone? That can be pricey these days. Are you planning on cooking for the family once or twice a week and chipping in with housework considering your parents both work full time? I think £30 a week is a bargain but I am a huge believer in adult children paying board. Even if the parents are fortunate enough to be able to save it and hand it back when the child moves out.

I didn’t charge my daughter anything as she was studying.

£30 quid a week is nothing OP!
get it paid and be grateful

£30 a week is an utter bargain.

P.s McDonald’s, Pizza Hut etc are always hiring so you could get a job over the summer

Dunno, but I'm still paying it off. Want to see my statement?

(My maths is shit, it was 25 years ago, not 30)

My food shop is £120 a week so I think you’ve got a great deal OP! It’s also the cost of your mum and dad going out for a really nice meal once a month so I really wouldn’t kick up a fuss. It’s a very, very nominal amount.

Your friends who are living at home rent free with all their expenses paid for will struggle a lot more when they finally do move out. Their parents are doing them no favours in the long run. Congrats on the training contract!

Are you at least paying your own mobile contract?

Is it right that you don't actually start your training contract for another two years so the next two years will be you doing your LPC qualification - you mentioned studying rather than working? (I'm a solicitor so was wondering!)

Is the firm you are doing your training contract with paying your maintenance grant while you are doing your LPC (and presumably course fees too? If so must be a top firm (congratulations). Most LPC students won't get a maintenance payment and a lot of us have to self fund course fees too. Ask me how I know ... So you've got a really excellent deal!

As to your rent question... The purpose of your maintenance grant is to maintain yourself via living expenses including accommodation and utility bills first and foremost. You absolutely should be making a regular household contribution to your parents. £30 is ridiculously tight. £50 is just about OK. As your parents are doing OK they might refuse it (hurrah) but that's the minimum I think you should offer. I repeat the money is for you to be able to live during your studies. It's not intended for you to pocket so you can enjoy extra London socialising.

There's nothing to stop you getting a part time job to top up your income. When I did my law diploma and LPC I was working full time and going to law college in the evenings. I had no choice, had left home and got my own flat and had to support myself. I wouldn't recommend that though if you've got easier choices (nearly broke me) but I wanted to mention it because you don't seem to realise how good you've got it. It's really not going to be a hardship to not have 27k for your final year of study.

Good luck with everything and well done. You must be very clever and articulate to have secured such a good TC. I hope you enjoy it (I did).

In response to some of the posts thus far: I pay for my phone and contribute to the family Netflix and Spotify accounts. When I'm home in the holidays I cook a minimum of once a week, empty the dishwasher every day, clean the bathrooms, keep my bedroom and the study tidy, and any other odd jobs that my parents ask me to.

We do have a cleaner who does a deep clean, but my parents are very fond of her so I think they'd be reluctant to let her go for me to do her work instead.

I take on board the fact it might be possible to live in London for less than 27k, I'll have to run the numbers again and see what the bare minimum amount I need to move out by me.

I think it's great you want to save for the following year. But this saving is at the expense of your parents. In your budget you didn't include toiletries, food... So I'm assuming you expect your parents to continue to provide this for you. £30 a week probably wouldn't even cover the food you eat, the packed lunches you take... So I think you need to cut back your saving expectations and pay your parents £30 a week. Which is actually quite low and is definitely a token amount. Your parents might even save it for you and give it back the following year.