Who is being unreasonable here? - Charging adult child for rent

[IAmTheBFG]

Hi Mumsnet,

I am a 21 year old recent graduate who has just moved home after finishing university. I have a training contract with a City law firm, which means I am spending the next two years studying, receiving a maintenance grant of £12,000 in the first year and £20,000 in the second year. I am living at home for the first year and aim to move out to a house-share in London in the second year. This is because my parents live an hour and a half commute door-to-door from the university I am studying at and the second year is meant to be more intense academically, so I think it would be beneficial to be able to spend more time studying rather than commuting.

As a result, I'd like to save £7,000 of the first year maintenance grant to ensure I can afford to move out in the second year. That leaves me with £5,000 to cover all my expenses, including travel, which I estimate to cost about £1,400. Therefore, after travel, I have £3,600 to pay for books, replacing shoes and clothes as they wear out, socialising at London prices, and train tickets to visit my boyfriend.

Here is where the dilemma ensues: what would be a reasonable amount for my parents to charge me for rent? They have suggested £30/week, but given after saving and travel I will only have £70/week spare, £30 seems a bit steep. Their rationale is that paying them a token amount demonstrates I appreciate being able to live at home, will help keep me grounded, and demonstrates willingness to contribute to the family.

I am happy to increase the amount I pay them if I get a part-time job, but I am unsure whether it will be possible to manage a job alongside a three-hour round trip commute and the demands of my course. While I don't have a steady part-time job over this summer holidays, I am working for a week at a summer school (so 7 days of 11 hour shifts) and have signed up to freelance for an events agency. This is also not for want of trying, after my exams finished I applied for five summer jobs and reached the final interview stages for two of them.

For context, I have never done anything which would suggest to my parents that I take their generosity for granted. From the age of fourteen, I worked for six hours a week as a tutor and the day after Sixth Form ended abruptly because of the pandemic, I got a job in a supermarket working for 25 hours per week. While at university, I worked for five hours a week in second year, going up to twelve hours a week in final year, and have always worked during the university holidays doing a combination of hospitality jobs and legal internships. This is all alongside getting top grades at A-Level and during my degree.

Apologies for what is a bit of a long post, but if you were my parents, would you be happy with me saving £7,000 out of a £12,000 grant, and how much would you charge me to live at home this year?

How about you get a job, pay your parents 100 a week and live like an adult ffs

Paying keep is part of growing up and becoming an adult. YABU OP.

Why don't you take a summer job? You say you have applied for a few but why can't you just take a summer job in a supermarket, bar or coffee shop? There are loads of jobs in hospitality and retail available.

I don't think £30 per week is very much to ask.

I wouldnt charge you, life is hard enough

Law is fiercely competitive. If I were your parents I would not charge rent on the condition you did not get a job, but you did pull your weight at home and study hard. It would be much more important to me that you got the best results possible in your exams next summer than you paid me a sum that makes no difference to my finances. The point at which I would charge rent would be when you start earning.

@AffIt - that's really useful to know, thank you for taking the time to reply! A lot of my worries are based on not knowing what the course workload is going to be like or what my peers will expect in terms of socialising (no one wants to be the one kill-joy who doesn't join in with rounds) so thank you for providing some insight on that.

Back in the day, huh?

Young people in London pay much more like 50% of their take-home for housing. And forget about saving for a deposit - that goes on rent.

All these tales of how people budgeted with such Puritan precision in 1990 does not take into account student debt or the current housing crisis.

I bought a house in my 20's after saving hard from my low-wage job. There is no way my dc could do the same today, even if they earned 3x what I did then. Indeed, I could not afford to but my own home at current market value despite years of pay rises and promotions.

• buy not but

I wouldn't charge you at all.
But I know lots on here disagree.

I think you are perhaps not looking at this in a fair way, both you and they acknowledge its a token amount, but you are putting them at the very bottom of the pile rather than acknowledging all they are doing that enables you to do this. I think we should accept its not the figure you pay over so much, so I disregard comments about how little £30 is, but what is fair.

If they are happy to accept that you are saving 58% of your income which will benefit you and them both next year, and I would question why you need to save 7 k if next year you have an 8 k increase, and will save the large outgoing 1.4K costs for commute so extra saving ? so I'm not sure if I'm correct in understanding your budget for living elsewhere next year is 16.4k. but still leaving you with over 10k out of your maintance grant to live on.

Any way of the remaining 48% your proper expenses should be taken out this is transport, books , its reasonable there will be some study expenses also etc. but its not socializing at London prices, or tickets to see your boyfriend , why should these be rated above the cost of supporting you, feeding you, I think after your proper legit expenses are taken out of picture what percentage of the remaining figure is going to your parents? it shouldn't be 50% I think you should agree what is fair percentage, I would think 1/3rd maybe as a minimum , and then you should try earn some extra while you can. That extra can fund the socializing extra clothes etc.

My dd is 19 and doing a paid apprenticeship - she gives me £25 a week - also because when she started working I lost the council tax single person discount and I am not on a high salary.

It seems your parents are keen to foster some sense of responsibility in you. Perhaps if you are living back home, they will see it differently and realise it’s rather unfair and that you will struggle with the long commute next year. Until then, I would suck it up. Perhaps they intend to save the money and give it to you at the end of the year.

My younger DD is doing an MA next year, has a student loan and scholarship and we will support her (£400 a month) until she finishes and gets a proper job. She also lives at home now. She waitresses part time but is unsure how many hours she can do.

I want her to be able to buy things she needs and have a social life and etc rather than spending all her time worrying about money as I did at that age.

That’s my view, no doubt your parents see it differently.

Therefore, after travel, I have £3,600 to pay for books, replacing shoes and clothes as they wear out, socialising at London prices, and train tickets to visit my boyfriend

^^ That's hilarious.

I suggest you pay your parents £100 a week rent and welcome yourself to the real world. Christ, talk about entitled.

OP I was similar at your age. I thought I was very sensible and good at budgeting, paid my own way for all my extras (phone, clothes etc).

It was a shock to the system when I suddenly realised I now had to pay for... well, nothing extra... Simply the privilege of having four walls and a roof over my head which I'd never had to pay for before. It was a different feeling to paying for a new dress, where I got to feel the "extra goodies" I was getting for the money.

I suspect your parents want you to experience this.

OTOH I get your point on networking, I also did a professional degree which required this. But you need to see it as, how can you convince your parents to do you the massive favour of giving you money to do that so you can benefit later? Can you discuss with them what activities are beneficial vs just fun - since they are professionals themselves? Could you ask them to fund specific activities on a case-by-case basis, e.g. if all your classmates go on a trip together?

To be honest I’d ask my parents if I could live at home for both years, pay them a reasonable amount in keep that they asked for, and work hard to get this qualification, save some money, and then move out once I had a job and presumably a higher income to go with it.

As a parent, I probably wouldn’t charge my child rent in this situation (working towards a specific qualification, living at home for a finite time, low income), but I would expect them to contribute to the household, such as buying and cooking some family meals and doing their own laundry and cleaning (which sounds like you do!). This is assuming I could afford it of course.

I would not charge you any rent. But then I am from another culture and I don't expect to be charging any of my DC rent. Provided they do chores.

I wouldn't be charging you any rent either but if I were you I'd offer to buy some of your own food or contribute to their food costs.

I agree you should be putting everything into your studies - not focusing on working at McDonalds. Could you maybe try and get an evening babysitting job which wouldn't be too taxing and you could take your books and study when children are in bed?

I wouldn't charge you if it was me and I didn't need the money. That being said, you can afford £30 a week. Why don't you see how you get on for a couple of months without putting this pressure on yourself to save the £6000 and see how you go?

Sounds like a brilliant opportunity. Well done and good luck!

Dd is 16 and starts a paid apprenticeship in September. We've agreed on £25 a week.

20% of your "wages" + your food

Sounds to me like they just don’t want you to take it for granted.

If you were my child I would be happy for you to offer weekly chores instead of payment, cleaning, gardening, cooking or washing kind of thing. So let’s say one proper 3 hour stint on a weekend day?

Hi Op,
Congratulations on your training contract! Well Done!

Perhaps, look at this as a way for you to build resilience (which you will need in ABUNDANCE as you are training in London) as you will need to tightly budget and carefully watch your spending.

I do think you will look back at this when you are older - and cringe very hard as £30 p/w is nothing.

Also, as others have said - you are now a adult - use this as a time to show your parents that. If you keep wanting your parents to treat you as a child and bank roll you, when will it stop? When you move out? I doubt it.

I think you're massively taking the piss and should be paying more.

I would not charge you anything as a £12k grant in London will go nowhere so you will definitely need to save for the second year in halls. Also if your parents were paying accommodation while you were doing your undergraduate degree they will be saving this year if you are living at home but I do see that they may think as you have chosen a post grad course they are not willing to fund you indefinitely.

However I suppose £30 a week is a nominal sum at £1560 over the year. I am not sure that socialising and train tickets to see your boyfriend are your parents problem so if they are charging you this to keep you grounded and realise that you need to give living expenses at least as much priority as socialising then YABU. I think you should recognise that as you move into adulthood you will need to make financial decisions you may not want to make for the sake of living within your means.

If you are an experienced tutor that pays really well these days and many people accept online tutoring too now. Just for some extra evening or weekend cash?