Who is being unreasonable here? - Charging adult child for rent

[IAmTheBFG]

Hi Mumsnet,

I am a 21 year old recent graduate who has just moved home after finishing university. I have a training contract with a City law firm, which means I am spending the next two years studying, receiving a maintenance grant of £12,000 in the first year and £20,000 in the second year. I am living at home for the first year and aim to move out to a house-share in London in the second year. This is because my parents live an hour and a half commute door-to-door from the university I am studying at and the second year is meant to be more intense academically, so I think it would be beneficial to be able to spend more time studying rather than commuting.

As a result, I'd like to save £7,000 of the first year maintenance grant to ensure I can afford to move out in the second year. That leaves me with £5,000 to cover all my expenses, including travel, which I estimate to cost about £1,400. Therefore, after travel, I have £3,600 to pay for books, replacing shoes and clothes as they wear out, socialising at London prices, and train tickets to visit my boyfriend.

Here is where the dilemma ensues: what would be a reasonable amount for my parents to charge me for rent? They have suggested £30/week, but given after saving and travel I will only have £70/week spare, £30 seems a bit steep. Their rationale is that paying them a token amount demonstrates I appreciate being able to live at home, will help keep me grounded, and demonstrates willingness to contribute to the family.

I am happy to increase the amount I pay them if I get a part-time job, but I am unsure whether it will be possible to manage a job alongside a three-hour round trip commute and the demands of my course. While I don't have a steady part-time job over this summer holidays, I am working for a week at a summer school (so 7 days of 11 hour shifts) and have signed up to freelance for an events agency. This is also not for want of trying, after my exams finished I applied for five summer jobs and reached the final interview stages for two of them.

For context, I have never done anything which would suggest to my parents that I take their generosity for granted. From the age of fourteen, I worked for six hours a week as a tutor and the day after Sixth Form ended abruptly because of the pandemic, I got a job in a supermarket working for 25 hours per week. While at university, I worked for five hours a week in second year, going up to twelve hours a week in final year, and have always worked during the university holidays doing a combination of hospitality jobs and legal internships. This is all alongside getting top grades at A-Level and during my degree.

Apologies for what is a bit of a long post, but if you were my parents, would you be happy with me saving £7,000 out of a £12,000 grant, and how much would you charge me to live at home this year?

My parents didn't charge me rent and I put the money into my own savings instead. They didn't need it and it enabled me to build a cushion for when I moved out which has helped me enormously. It seems strange to me to charge your own child just to make some kind of a point about adulthood, especially as op is still studying.

If you was my child I wouldn't charge you anything to live at home while you were still in uni especially if moving home was to allow you to save money but unfortunately I'm not and £30 isn't too much and definitely doable without hindering your socialising/commute etc.

You are 21. I am assuming they helped fund you through uni. What you choose to do post-uni truly is your first wholly adult decision. If you choose to do post-grad work where the grant is 12k pa and live at home, then you need to accept the expectations from your parents.

You must know that £30 pw is an exceptionally small percentage of the real cost of keeping you fed, warm, in a habitable home, with access to hot and clean water, wifi, electricity, free laundry facilities etc. You should want to contribute at least that amount, even if they didn't ask for it.

I'm concerned that you think you will be able to fund yourself in London next year. My DC can't find a room for much less than £200pw, and that's before food, bills, council tax etc.

You need to get a PT job - even two or three shifts a week in a pub would help.

My DS (22) is paying us £200 a month. He is earning about 1k per month. Our household bills directly increase by having him back, especially water, food and , gas.

That was DH's figure. I would have gone for £150.

I'd be more than happy to have you live rent free, you have a very mature outlook and plans for the future, I'd be proud if you were my child and would happily agree to your suggestion.

You sound very sensible and organised. In your budget though you have £3600 for socialing and clothes etc, so your £70 a week spare is exactly that. What would you do with this £70 otherwise? You will still have £40.00 of this extra left so that seems ok?
Chances are that if your parents are reasonably well off, they will save the money and give it back to you for year anyway (that is what I would do) - but don't hold me to that!!

Just pay up! It is peanuts!

Having an extra body in the house doesn’t actually cost that much more than 2 existing people.

Council tax/internet/mortgage costs are the same. Water bill will increase by a few £ a month. Gas/electric will go up a bit each month but not much since it’s presumably only one extra bedroom to heat/power!

The biggest expense is food, depends what you/your parents eat but easily could be an extra £30 per week to feed someone.

Also i don’t think OP’s parents should be expected to save the £30 per week to give it back to op. They should put it towards their bills or their food shop or spend it on a date day for themselves where they go for a meal at a restaurant that kind of thing

Is there this massive loan of 12 grand and 20 going to keep you grounded!

You sound extremely rational and I would be thrilled if my dc were able to look at budgets like this... You sound extremely sensible already.

If i actually needed the money, I would discuss bills and what I need and what you can afford.

If I didn't need the money I would be asking you to maybe pay for one thing a month like a takeaway or just cook a meal for us all or even some extra cleaning?

Without wanting to sound patronising, this is actually teaching you a valuable lesson. Rent/mortgage, bills, and food costs come first.

As an adult, you can't just not pay for these things so you have money for savings and socialising instead.

You have two options - change your budget, or get a weekend job. Personally, I would do the latter.

I think you're 21 and they've supported you all the way through university. You've chosen something very low paid now and that was your choice. I do think there needs to come a point where you have to expect your parents to stop paying for you. I'm sure you'll be costing them way more than £30 a week though!

Same for me

I wouldn't charge you anything because I don't need the money. Equally I would hope that you can manage everything on £12k if you have no food or bills to pay.
Both of my DC came home for a year or so after uni while training or working. My view is that providing they are not reckless with money and have a good understanding of finance they should keep their money and save up ready for moving out. DS was then able to buy a house aged 24 because he saved all his income.

It's a very divisive thing on MN though. Many resent that they were forced to pay rent to their parents and don't see why the next generation should be better off. Others say it teaches young people to budget. I disagree strongly on that. If you've managed 3 years at uni then you know how to budget. Your parents should have taught you long ago about bank accounts, credit etc.

I know as friends and have worked with a few younger lawyers, on training contracts.

You’re not expected to pay for drinks when out and there are often paid for socials/events/drinks covered by partners.

Well done on getting a training contract but remember that even after you qualify you may not be taken on (one friend at a magic circle firm found this out but was a blessing in disguise really).

You should definitely look to do some sort of extra work if you can, your current options are nothing and a drop in the ocean.

The more you post the more immature and slightly pompous you sound (thus far?!) and you’re an adult not an adult “child” though you are your parents daughter.

Remember, depending in what field of law you work for if you leave eg a company where you provide in-house legal advice and go to a stand alone company you have to find your own clients. And it is harder for women lawyers still.

It's low paid for the next two years because I am studying, but I will then earn £55k as a trainee for two years and £115k after than, so the two years of low pay are an investment for that return in the future. When I am earning more in two to five years time, I will be more than happy to return my parents' generosity. While it was my choice to take the training contract, that is the best way to fulfil my career ambition and it is mandated by the law firm sponsoring me that I study at a particular institution in London.

Would you ask BF to fund the costs of your visits and social life with him? Of course not.

In effect you're expecting your parents to fund you socialising in London and visits to BF.

If you can't get a PT job to fund non-essentials, you'll have to adjust your spending and social life.

I would imagine you should be paying far more than £30pw. You are basically asking your parents to subsidise your life go another two years! It doesn’t e how much money you think they have saved you should be standing on your own two feet if you can.

You come across as entitled.
It's probably something your parents Have noticed,hence the request.
Ignore how much they earn in your considerations as to why you should not pay them the incredibly cheap amount requested.
There are many jobs avail the moment you don't really want one I think.
You need to see the real world and leave your protected little bubble.

Slightly off topic, but I just want to say that there is some stereotyping here that only rich/well off people allow their kids to live at home rent-free. That's categorically not true. In my experience it's really a mixed bag, and some of my friends with the poorest backgrounds have been welcomed home without a blink of an eye and had their offers to pay board etc. refused. Personally I always paid board and bought my own food when I lived back home when I was younger, and my family's not well off by any means, but yeah I think the generalisations are off on this thread.

Can you get alumni membership at your old uni? The uni I works at allows access to some eresources off site so this could save you having to buy all your books? You could also join your local library and get books/inter-library loans through them?

a mate of mine was doing PGDL, and now LPC and still working in the NHS. One 12 shift on regular weeks, more during holidays or super-quiet weeks. A part-time job would be very manageable, especially given that you have a job offer in the bag.

I would say pay it, but never forget that they did this to you. There may come a time when they are older that they rely on you for help and that's when you can tell them to get stuffed, they're on their own.

It's different if they genuinely needed that £30 a week but it sounds like they're pretty comfortable and it's just a bullshit "we know better than you" demand.

I'm sure it's tempting to say "Fuck it, I'll quit studying and go do something menial like cleaning." But really that would be cutting of your nose to spite your face. Play along for now, but know they don't see you as anything other than a resource to exploit. Make sure that comes back to haunt them when the time is right.

This!!

I think you’re missing the point. This wasn’t about how much they charge you to continue living with after university, this is about did you discuss your continuing with the student life after your degree.

They have supported you through your degree and are clearly prepared for you to move back in. But their position of expecting you to make a small contribution towards the costs of you living with them is reasonable. If you don’t like their terms then rather you deciding how they should be managing their own finances now that you have decided what you want to do next, you need to now hear what your parent’s expectations are now having supported you financially while you did your degree.

How much do you do around the house? Do you help with cooking, cleaning, washing? Do you bring your parents a cuppa when see them perhaps a bit weary after work?