Dd thinks i'm tight. I think I'm sensible.

[malificent7]

Dp ( soon to be dh)and I earn £65,000 pa between us.We are lucky enough to have a mortgage and we went abroad last year.
Due to the rising cost of living we are scaling back. This year we are holidaying in a caravan holiday park in Cornwall for 5 nights. I shop at Lidl ( always have) and a bit of Tescos. I'm always looking for the cheapest product in supermarkets etc. Dd would live to shop Waitrose ( not happening and I love Lidl anyway.)

We have ditched our big white wedding for a simple registry office and restaurant with a 3 night stay in Devon air b and b for honeymoon.

Dd (15) is a bit sneery about this and says I'm tight. For context, some of her school friends are much better off and are going on a string of exotic holidays, festivals, shopping sprees etc. Some of them she describes as " old money."

Recently I went for a slightly better paid job but decided it wasn't for me as the commute was horrendous. I didn't get it anyway...Dd was incredulous that I didn't want a 2 hour hour commute each way for £5,000 extra a year.

She does work as a waitress so she knows how hard it is to earn ££. She wants to be super rich...fair play to her but Dp and I are starting to feel inadequate.

Aibu to think that I am being sensible...not tight and dd needs a reality check.

I do feel bad anyway that I didn't chase ££ younger but that was explained on another thread.

Sit down with her and go through your finances with her? You sound very sensible tbh. My children are told they will always have everything they need and some of what they want. I could spoil them more but I’m not about to create two monsters.
Financial education is so incredibly valuable. I didn’t learn the value of money properly until I met my now husband. I’m sure some of my acquaintances would consider me a bit tight but I like to think of myself as the female Martin Lewis😂

Your dd sounds arrogant and too all up in your business. I have no idea if you are tight or not. Are you having a small wedding and a caravan holiday because you want to? Or because you don't want to use money evenrhough you have it?

Once I left for university I never lived at my parents' home again. I don't think it would ever have crossed my mind to. It would have felt like being a child again. I wanted the freedom to live my life how I wanted and do things my parents wouldn't have been happy with under their roof. Your daughter is no longer your child. She's a young woman needing to explore herself in the world without reference to your rules. I reckon that means you've done a good job as a parent!

You should take her feedback with a hefty pinch of salt! When she’s successfully managed a household, and stuck to a budget, then her input might well be worth listening to.

Gah! Posted on wrong thread. Not sure how that happened. 🤔

Exactly, this job is just for her early years of work.

Good to know

5k is nothing after tax etc and commuter costs.

i imagine it is an age thing and this is me talking from how I felt at that age. She might earn her own money but she doesn’t understand tax, bills, mortgage, insurance, etc. She probably also thinks shopping is food and doesn’t realise that when you add all the other household items into it, it becomes so expensive. I remember at that age thinking ‘oh that’s just £1/£2’ but not mentally thinking 100 £1 items suddenly become expensive! When she hears £5k she thinks that’s £5k straight in your pocket that pays for an exotic holiday, or £65k in total as being so rich!!
Its tough for her to learn and it will only happen when she gets older and has to pay it herself but you know you’re doing what’s right for you all and she’s luckier than others.

£65,000 sounds alot to a 15yr old..... reality in the financial climate it's not, especially as you don't get help with anything at all.

Sit her down and give her the realisation of what things cost....we did the same with my stepdaughter

We have a 16 and 19 year old and moved in with my mum 3 years ago to help us all out, I’m an only child. Our 16 year old sometimes thinks we are poor if we say certain things, we both work part time and care for a relative. Our 19 year old gets what we say but she is working. Ignore her and do what makes you happy. x

While I don't necessarily think you are tight I am wondering is it more the language you are using that's getting her to say this? Like your Waitrose comment (not happening) do you make comments like this a lot? Do you sing the praises of how cheap Lidl is? Do you scoff at her wanting higher end products?
As if you do that's likely what she is reacting too. Not the actual Lidl shop or your holidays.

I recall as a teenager going out with my mum and I would say "oh that's nice don't you think?" Pointing at a dress. She would turn the label around and look at the price and say "no"

It infuriated me then and actually still does now. She meant "Its not worth that much" but something can be nice and beautiful without being affordable. I found my mum tight and I was very aware we were on a budget (it was all she would blinking talk about) we had nowhere near your income.

I brought my own children up very differently.

Teenagers call their parents tight. Their parents want to prove they are not tight. Teenagers get money spent on them. Don't be tricked by your teenagers.

What do you think the eye roll was for?

I think a lot of today's teenagers are in for a shock once they are out in the real world. Unless their parents intend to keep funding their lives forever.
Seeing how difficult it is for young people now with jobs, housing etc, they are going to need a huge inheritance to be 'super rich'.
I think they need a big dose of reality.

Fairly typical young person attitude at the moment I think. My advice would be you do you and tell her she is welcome to do the same!

I wouldn’t worry to much; your Dd will get a reality check when she steps out into the big wide world & finds you have to work hard to have all the luxuries in life; that is of course unless she marries an old man that’s loaded

I wouldn't give a rats arse what my child of that age thought. So what?

If she's quite bright, I would be giving her a chance to do a better job of budgeting for you. Give her all the figures (income and expenditure) and ask her to come up with a formula to show where savings can be made to free up money for expensive holidays, showy wedding etc.
Make sure you include extra costs relating to your longer commute, and mention the extra jobs she'll need to do around the house as you won't have as much time available.
You never know, she might even surprise you and come up with something you haven't thought of.
Most likely she hasn't got a clue and this would give her a useful reality check. If she refuses to engage, every time she makes a comment, I'd just say 'Well you know I'm still waiting for you to show me how it should be done!'

It was the opposite for me. My mum was always skint and couldn’t afford x, y and z when we were kids.

turns out she has a whacking great pension and is just crap with money. She just about survives on what i manage with for a family of 4 with two teenagers, a mortgage, cars, and pets.

people have different priorities. I could survive easily on 65 k with enough left for holidays and Waitrose. Others prefer a nice house in the SE with a 20k car which means they don’t have so much disposable income.

the teenager might find she prefers to live cheaply and have more spending money, or she might find she likes having an expensive city centre flat.

I’ve had the same conversation with my two teens recently. One thinks a flatshare is the way to go, the other wants to get on the housing ladder asap. Neither are wrong, and it depends on life stage as well.

65k is a good income whichever way you look at it though. So if o/p is telling her teen they’re skint or they have no money, that’s not strictly true. It’s that their money is prioritised leaving less disposable income. This may make them appear “tight” compared to families on a similar income who prefer to reduce costs elsewhere and leave themselves with more spends.

No, you aren’t tight, just not into living in debt!
I absolutely agree on the job thing. A two hour commute is really not worth the hassle.

Weddings are such a rip off.
If I was getting married again I’d be getting a dress off ebay, or getting one made, second hand rings….

Your daughter is trying to keep up with her mates whose parents are probably massively in debt trying to out do each other. I pity them.
All my daughters want is time with me.

And nothing wrong with Lidl or Aldi!

x

It's called being a grown up

Keep it up

“Dd is 15 and I've taken her to Menorca, Ibiza (x2), Paris, Crete and Corfu. Weare saving for Rome so she is well travelled!”

That sounds like a teenager who has been lucky to go on 5 beach holidays, not “well travelled”. She’s certainly lucky to have been abroad at all though. Why does she want to go to Thailand?

She sounds like a fairly typically self absorbed selfish teen tbh, which is not to say you shouldn’t point that out to her! But you feeling inadequate is your issue.

You sound sensible. No way I would want to do that commute!

My stock answer to my DS is that my job is to provide his needs not his wants

My 16 year old daughter is exactly the same, we have a similar household income to you, and in this financial climate it really doesn’t go as far as it used to, and after such an expensive winter with electricity costs we for the first time aren’t having a holiday away this summer. Now that the children have broken up from school, all I hear is, so and so is abroad on holiday, ALL my friends have gone abroad on holiday, we are the ONLY ones not away, it’s so unfair!
I’ve explained the situation to my daughter, pointed out rising food, fuel, electricity costs and that our normal holiday fund has been eaten away this year and that we are being sensible. My daughter’s answer was that I should work more hours to pay for it.

Social media these days has a lot to answer for, teenagers look at influencers and content creators and think that’s how everyone lives.

I actually have NO idea how most people are affording holidays abroad at the moment unless they are putting them on credit cards. We cleared off our credit cards debts a few ago, and won’t be going down that route again unless we have to, but agree these teenagers have a habit of making you feel like a rubbish and tight parent.

Absolutely this!