Dd thinks i'm tight. I think I'm sensible.

[malificent7]

Dp ( soon to be dh)and I earn £65,000 pa between us.We are lucky enough to have a mortgage and we went abroad last year.
Due to the rising cost of living we are scaling back. This year we are holidaying in a caravan holiday park in Cornwall for 5 nights. I shop at Lidl ( always have) and a bit of Tescos. I'm always looking for the cheapest product in supermarkets etc. Dd would live to shop Waitrose ( not happening and I love Lidl anyway.)

We have ditched our big white wedding for a simple registry office and restaurant with a 3 night stay in Devon air b and b for honeymoon.

Dd (15) is a bit sneery about this and says I'm tight. For context, some of her school friends are much better off and are going on a string of exotic holidays, festivals, shopping sprees etc. Some of them she describes as " old money."

Recently I went for a slightly better paid job but decided it wasn't for me as the commute was horrendous. I didn't get it anyway...Dd was incredulous that I didn't want a 2 hour hour commute each way for £5,000 extra a year.

She does work as a waitress so she knows how hard it is to earn ££. She wants to be super rich...fair play to her but Dp and I are starting to feel inadequate.

Aibu to think that I am being sensible...not tight and dd needs a reality check.

I do feel bad anyway that I didn't chase ££ younger but that was explained on another thread.

I do think it's hard for young people though as there is so much on social media that you probably do feel inadequate if you don't have much money.

Did you have her young Op? And that impacted your education and career options.
Obviously that is a something that needs discussing sensitively but something that’s sensible to discuss with a 15 yr old girl.

We did the same. Registry office and a nice lunch for family the 2 nights in Bath. It was an amazing day and the £6k we saved paid for a new bathroom in our house that I can enjoy every day!

We have a similar ethos to you and spend money on worthwhile things but don't squander it on crap.

I tend to buy mostly clothes from charity shops or ebay. Although I do my foodshop at Lidl, Tesco or Ocado (same price as tesco and the M&S basics range is fab!).

We then spend money on fun family days out, meals etc... stuff that makes memories!

By being frivolous we have more money for fun and can then afford any emergencies that night arise!

OP she's 15 surrounded by kids with money. Try to shrug it off, it's not easy being in her position. It'll change, don't fret. She's lucky she has a sensible mum. There will definitely be kids within those 'old money' lot that are drowning in debt.

As others have said it’s invaluable to teach children the basics of finances, taxes, pensions etc and explain how to budget with an allowance, how to save etc. money def doesn’t grow on trees..

also there is absolutely no way to tell if the OP is ‘well off’ earning 65k. Depends on where they live, if they have any savings at all, pension pots, size of mortgage (eg 250k is small to many, massive to many), any debt, future earning potential, upcoming necessary new purchases, condition of house etc.

However, just a different view on this, I’m from a larger than average family with a low income in a middle class town. My parents were too open about money. Every gift bought, day out, meal out, holiday (camping), school trip, even uniform, was saved for, discussed and stressed over and from a very young age I felt like a massive financial burden to them (the day I got a new musical instrument in year 4 for example I just felt nothing but guilt for all the overtime done and saving for it). All Xmas and bday money was paid into the bank and to spend it was frivolous. Wouldn’t let us have a student loan so spent my teenage years working SO hard to financially provide for myself at uni. High grades were expected throughout childhood. Again, as a result of more guilt for the financial sacrifices made for us.
it’s taken years and years to shake off some of the learned behaviours and try to enjoy life a bit and not live in fear of not having enough money just in case / saved etc. doesn’t help that partners family are completely the opposite and spend like there’s no tomor. I will be thinking very carefully about how money is discussed with my children

I'll bet they go to the same places/do the same thing every year with the same family members. Every holiday? Where did I say every holiday had to be abroad? How about one, in the teenager's life?! They have never been abroad! So it's the same old same old. Like it would be if you went to Scotland every year for your whole life.

This.

You make about 3 times as much as us and live like us. I am curious what the rest goes on, is it savings or retirement etc...

That said I think saving is smart, a lot of people dont seem to grasp or understand the importance. I was homeless for 3 years, since then I have always had a minimum savings of £3000 to stay afloat in case that happens again prioritizing saving even though I don't make much.

If your DD wants the 'lifestyles of the rich and famous' she can fund it, life is going to hand her a reality check and she'll thump back down to earth.

Comparison is the thief of joy, saying 'I want' because she saw someone else have will not make her happy.

Once you have what you 'need' in life everything else is just shallow add on's. They might be nice to have occasionally but grabbing for them won't fix jealousy only inner work will.

What's your spending got to do with your daughter.

I'm feeling a little financially inadequate, because I can't pay for my daughters uni accommodation costs like all the adults I'm surrounded by. I'm over it though.

Children don't have the life experience to understand many things, but especially the future. The longer you live, the more you understand that things can - and do - change radically. The economy can tank. The company you work for can go bust. Chronic health problems can strike. Family members have accidents. I feel for those who are struggling with mortgage payments right now - but those of us who had mortgages in the early 80s know this can happen. So you're being sensible with your finances because although you're managing you know you're not swimming in money. But your daughter is too young to truly appreciate this.

Now would be a good point to show her your family accounts, bills etc if you haven’t already. She’s likely to be clueless re the cost of living even if she has got a job and understands how much she has to work to generate money. She also probably won’t fully understand how many deductions come out of a given wage as she won’t be paying tax.

Totally agree with this.

Never spending money is such a boring way to live, if you don't need to live like that.

There is being sensible and having a safety net but out with that life is short and IMO life is for living.

If you can afford it and your kids wants to, what is the harm in taking them abroad. Letting them get involved in the planning, budgeting, increasing their cultural awareness etc. My kids are 6 and 8 and we already let them have a say in things that affect them - so if they didn't want a caravan in Cornwall or whatever, we wouldn't do it.

I also think the holiday conversations are interesting, so many different opinions on this, and how highly some people prioritise travel and holidays over others. Some people I know think absolutely nothing of spending up to 5k on a holiday for a week (if they can afford it) and others can afford it but can’t justify it (like me). Others seem to spend somewhere in between.

I’m starting to get major FOMO as everyone is off on their hols and I know I probably need to adjust my mindset on this but it is just ingrained in me that we ‘don’t do’ big expensive holidays as it’s so much money that could be spent on something else

(We do have hols in the UK / Isle of Wight though)

I think people who shop at Waitrose are mad because it’s double the money for the exact same product you get elsewhere and your DD is being a bit of a snob here

Tell me you've never shopped at Waitrose without telling me you've never shopped at Waitrose....

I'm on a budget and use cash to shop. I shop very well at Waitrose and I find the last few weeks I'm actually saving a bit. Just like every other supermarket they have budget ranges and offers. Yes, you can spend a lot of money shopping there, but you don't HAVE to.

YANBU X

But that is not true - there is plenty of things that you can get in Waitrose, M&S etc that you don't get in other supermarkets.

Whilst technically it is the same food group - it is not the same product from the same farm, factory etc. For example, you can buy Lidl cola but it is not the same as Coca Cola. You may prefer lidl cola but plenty of people don't and would rather spend more money to get the one they like.

But that is not true

Sorry, what isn't?

Why are you even questioning what she thinks about your finances.
Educate her so she's more realistic.

I shop at Lidl ( always have) and a bit of Tescos. I'm always looking for the cheapest product in supermarkets etc. Dd would live to shop Waitrose ( not happening and I love Lidl anyway.)
You might be better off actually shopping in Waitrose. I popped into a largish sized Tescos (proper supermarket as opposed to corner shop), as I was passing. I needed coca powder, soft brown sugar, 500g butter and 6 eggs. The only item that was cheaper in Tescos was the cocoa powder. I was quite surprised as I always thought Tesco was supposed to be cheap.

sorry was quoting the person you were quoting - about Waitrose being the same as Lidl.

Bless her she is 15. All 15 year olds could run the world family better than their parents. It’s great that she has a good relationship with you and feels confident to express her ideas. If you felt like it you could give her the weeks housekeeping and see how she gets on with shopping, cooking and not starving you all. If not then smile and nod, reality will kick in in a couple of years but for now let her enjoy the certain knowledge that she is invincible and all knowing.

some of her school friends are much better off and are going on a string of exotic holidays, festivals, shopping sprees etc. Some of them she describes as " old money."

Old Money is wearing the same Barbour oilskin jacket for 40 years and never going on a foreign holiday because the hounds don’t travel well.

It’s getting a nice book and a satsuma for Xmas. Every Xmas. Forever.

You should offer DD an Old Money style xmas this year 😂

Going against the grain, but an income of 65k, and a small mortgage, surely you have a reasonable disposable budget to afford some luxuries?

The timing could well be because it’s the holidays. If you are in a fairly affluent area then it does seem like everyone is off abroad on holiday and however you dress it up 5 nights in a caravan in the pouring rain isn’t the same. She’ll be seeing her mates posing on social media in the sun.
I’d chat about it and acknowledge it’s ok to feel like this but different families have different budgets and choices.