Dd thinks i'm tight. I think I'm sensible.

[malificent7]

Dp ( soon to be dh)and I earn £65,000 pa between us.We are lucky enough to have a mortgage and we went abroad last year.
Due to the rising cost of living we are scaling back. This year we are holidaying in a caravan holiday park in Cornwall for 5 nights. I shop at Lidl ( always have) and a bit of Tescos. I'm always looking for the cheapest product in supermarkets etc. Dd would live to shop Waitrose ( not happening and I love Lidl anyway.)

We have ditched our big white wedding for a simple registry office and restaurant with a 3 night stay in Devon air b and b for honeymoon.

Dd (15) is a bit sneery about this and says I'm tight. For context, some of her school friends are much better off and are going on a string of exotic holidays, festivals, shopping sprees etc. Some of them she describes as " old money."

Recently I went for a slightly better paid job but decided it wasn't for me as the commute was horrendous. I didn't get it anyway...Dd was incredulous that I didn't want a 2 hour hour commute each way for £5,000 extra a year.

She does work as a waitress so she knows how hard it is to earn ££. She wants to be super rich...fair play to her but Dp and I are starting to feel inadequate.

Aibu to think that I am being sensible...not tight and dd needs a reality check.

I do feel bad anyway that I didn't chase ££ younger but that was explained on another thread.

You sound sensible. I honestly think social media is as much to blame for unrealistic expectations, regardless of what her friends do.

In time she will understand. Until then, don't give too much weight to some very uneducated opinions.

This!

Don't get all aggro with yourself, or her, for experience she couldn't possibly have.

Just keep educating her about budgeting and money and one day she'll understand. But there aren't shortcuts to becoming experienced. And it changes all the time - my life feels different at 34 and with a mortgage compared to 25 and renting.

She’s 15 and voicing her feelings but being tactless.
I was a little like this as a teenager, my friends had far more money than my family . I did say thoughtless things that stung my parents feelings and I cringe about this now.
If it’s any consolation I grew up and appreciate everything my parents did for me.

worked.
If your daughter mentions buying a handbag at £150 ask her if she is really happy to work on her feet waitressing for 15 hours. If she wants to order a pizza is she happy to craft for an hour or two to pay for it or would she rather buy one from the supermarket for £2.50.

What if she's really willing to put that 15 hours into that desired handbag?

Dd same age her new best friend is properly wealthy. Not just quite rich but hugely massively Manor House and servants rich. Triggered quite a few conversations about their ahem different lifestyle to ours! They are still learning at this age.

Agree with PPs. I don’t have a teenage daughter so my thoughts might be incorrect. I’m wondering if you could take her for a walk in your shoes - get her up early and take her on that commute. Then to a library to sit at a computer all day bar an hour lunch break then commute back at five and get the dinner on. As it’s the school holiday she won’t get the full effect of crowded transport but will probably get the general idea.

The next day you could give her the information she needs to a family budget and find the money that could be spent where she feels you are being tight while also doing all the chores you do while handling that stuff.

That I would be 48 hours she is unlikely to forget and a good life lesson for when she is actually in a position to have an opinion on how money is spent.

Tell her you are not tight, you are living within your means. If she wants to shop in Waitrose or go to a festival then she can pay for that out of her waitressing money……. Oh wait if she can’t afford to then she will also have to live within her means.

It’s never ‘tight’ to live within your means.

Your DD is young, and jealous that her friends have more ‘means’. But she’ll grow up and make her own financial decisions and (hopefully) become a bit more appreciative and gracious!

She’s just a teenager who’s never had to support herself. Your lifestyle seems totally in line with your earnings. You’re not tight you’re normal.

We have ditched our big white wedding for a simple registry office and restaurant with a 3 night stay in Devon air b and b for honeymoon.

YANBU but I do see her point a bit.

You are very well off but it seems you are doing things to almost show everyone else you are not.

If you want a registry office wedding and a honeymoon in Devon then absolutely carry on but you had originally planned to have a big white wedding and I find it odd that you’d go to one extreme to the other, when you can afford it.

Having a holiday in Cornwall is often more expensive than going abroad so you are not saving money.

You can save as much money as you want.
I think people who shop at Waitrose are mad because it’s double the money for the exact same product you get elsewhere and your DD is being a bit of a snob here.

But I think you are being a bit of a money martyr to put on a show to others.

What’s your DH like?
Is he happy to not have a holiday abroad for the honeymoon and go to Devon instead?

We have never taken our two teens abroad. Youngest isn't bothered but oldest is. I just can't justify they expense. We take them away every year in the UK. Usually shared breaks with family which keeps the main cost to under £1000 for a week.

We have looked to go abroad but we can't stomach spending £2500 as a minimum plus spending money on a week- this years holiday is £960 in cornwall plus petrol money.

I was talking to a colleague and they are off for a weeks all inclusive and that's costing £2,200 EACH! So nearly £9,000 😨 our brand new car was just over £18,000, there is no way we could justify spending half the cost of a car on one week.

It's not even that we couldn't afford it. I k ow we could if we tightened up. I just prefer to spend our money on other things.

We have told our son the same. When it's his money he can choose to spend it on what he wants to.

My 15yr old DS is the same. Always accusing us of trying to be tight. We have a comfortable income so in theory we could spend more but I worry about his sense of entitlement.He recently earned €50 (irish) doing work for a family member then bought a designer T shirt for 42, which is fair enough but the next day asked me for money for an energy drink claiming he had none then called me tight for for giving it to him. I think the best approach is to be open about finances and show him our bills etc. We are thinking of doing an expensive long haul holiday next year so need to start saving now and throughout the winter, maybe I'll get him to help set a monthly target🤔

She is an unrealistic 15 year old!! Most of them are the same.

Oh and sometimes sensible IS tight. It's purposefully making lesser choices within your means to save for a rainy day.

My parents are hugely generous with us these days, but I do wish they'd spent a fraction of the money they've saved for us and grandchildren on a bit more fun when we were kids - or lived less frugally themselves now.

Maybe you constantly moan about money at home, while in fact you're very comfortable?

Have you sat down and got her to do a budget. Of everything.

It's eye opening.

Also
There's a very good book called the Entitlement Trap. Very a
American but makes some excellent points.

"Old money" 😂

Where does she go to school where that's even possible! 🤣

No offence OP, not a dig at you at all, but on £65k a year I doubt she is at the countries most expensive private school. Shes probably at a normal state school where her friends buying Superdry clothes makes them seem rich.

Dd is a child who perceives everyone else living an Instagram lifestyle.

It's not you, it's her.

This. In spades.

People are different. Even people within the same family. My sibling was always more motivated by wanting things and wanting to do things than I was. (And has always worked to earn so she could get what she wanted). Our parents didn't have much money and we were not at a school with kids who did have a lot of money - and certainly no 'old money'.

So it could be that she's different from you or far, far, more likely, it's just hearing what her peers get up to and comparing her life with theirs. But she's 15, she knows nothing compared to you about life, money, saving, budgeting. She can do what she wants with her own money when she's grown.

Stick to your guns!

You don't sound tight but your DD sounds at best unworldly and at worst sneery, unkind and snobby.

You sound fine and so does your daughter. She's 15 years old influenced by her peers and is feeling materialistic.

She's entitled to have whatever attitude to money she wants - but teach her not to be rude about other people's choices and also to be careful about overdraft/credit card/debt.

Might be a good idea if you stop discussing finances etc with her for a while if you're sensitive about it. She probably thinks you deserve "better" and doesn't understand at her age what quality of life really is.

Is your soon to be husband her father or were you a single parent before meeting him?

Teens are teens, it’s your job to educate her.
Does she realise about tax.
Great she’s got a pt job but she’ll see all the wage no deductions at her age.
Your salary must sound mega bucks to a teen but once tax, ni, pension, loan deducted it’s suddenly lots less.
I’d use it to encourage her to do well at school, hobbies for cv, work pt and say you can go abroad with your mates in a few year best get saving.
On a more serious note on your household income she’s only getting a minimum student loan if she goes to uni with you expected to pay £5000 a year outside London and nearly £7000 a year if she goes to London so definitely worth looking into and conversations with her about funding that.

I don't think you should be giving a 15 year old this much power.