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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend taking ages to text back

182 replies

IWannaShout · 27/07/2023 07:03

I text a friend a couple of weeks ago and she had been on line but didn't reply for a week later. I was honestly starting to wonder if I had done something to make her end our friendship. I reply to her text within a day, because even though I am busy it doesn't take long to reply. Again, I get no response to my message.

AIBU to think that it's just rude. Appreciate lives are busy but it doesn't take long to reply.

OP posts:
LazyLeopard · 27/07/2023 15:50

Maybe she just missed the message? I miss them all the time. Not deliberately ignoring anyone, but sometimes alerts get lost in different settings etc.

Onesnowynight · 27/07/2023 16:25

Someone up thread mentioned depression. A sign of depression can be making plans, not following through, not replying to texts etc.

BodegaSushi · 27/07/2023 16:44

ManateeFair · 27/07/2023 13:43

YABU. Her life doesn't revolve around you. Why would you expect people to do things to suit your needs rather than their own?

People are busy. People are forgetful. People aren't always in the mood for conversation. Just because you feel like talking, that doesn't mean she has to feel like talking too. You're being needy and demanding.

I always read the posts from people who say they have no friends not one in the whole world and wonder if they're people like you

Original poster
IWannaShout · 27/07/2023 17:13

ManateeFair · 27/07/2023 13:43

YABU. Her life doesn't revolve around you. Why would you expect people to do things to suit your needs rather than their own?

People are busy. People are forgetful. People aren't always in the mood for conversation. Just because you feel like talking, that doesn't mean she has to feel like talking too. You're being needy and demanding.

What are you talking about 🤯🤯
She asked if I wanted lunch on Sunday and we agreed so I've messaged once asking what time and digesting a venue...no response so i sent another message.

I bet you have lots of friends...NOT!

OP posts:
decaffonlypls · 27/07/2023 17:26

I tend to reply straight away because I'll forget if not.

If it's general chat I'd say it's fine to leave it a few days/weeks. But if there's a specific question it's rude to not answer.

In this instance I would chase it with one more message if I really wanted to meet/knew it wasn't deliberate. Otherwise I'd leave it and assume lack of response means it's not happening

Original poster
IWannaShout · 27/07/2023 17:46

I'm really struggling with it to be honest.

I've still had no response. I don't think it's anything like bad news, or low mood because I honestly think she would let me know. She always takes days to reply to message which is fine if it's general chat. I just can't understand why she would initiate the lunch and then completely ignore me. I'm not messaging again and presuming it's not going ahead.

OP posts:
Carol8855 · 27/07/2023 17:48

I’ve got two ‘friends’ like this - both take up to a month to respond even tho they often initiate contact and we have fun when together. I’m now giving up on them - it’s beyond rude and now infuriates me. We’re all busy.

BodegaSushi · 27/07/2023 17:50

IWannaShout · 27/07/2023 17:46

I'm really struggling with it to be honest.

I've still had no response. I don't think it's anything like bad news, or low mood because I honestly think she would let me know. She always takes days to reply to message which is fine if it's general chat. I just can't understand why she would initiate the lunch and then completely ignore me. I'm not messaging again and presuming it's not going ahead.

OP just send her a message with

????

If she doesn't reply then that's it

Thepeopleversuswork · 27/07/2023 18:19

There is a huge middle ground though between expecting a reply immediately and 1-2 weeks. I dont expect a response from friends the same day either because I recognise people are busy but if it was about plans and they took over a week, or didnt respond at all, yes, I think that is rude.

I agree with this.

Also I think the subject matter, frequency and tone is relevant. I have a friend who is quite full on over WhatsApp and will, left to her own devices, get into long diatribes about really meaty, political topics and sometimes I find it interesting but other times I have to disengage from it.

It's absolutely fine if you don't have the emotional energy to have a long back and forth about climate change or the next General Election in the middle of the working day but swiping on a WhatsApp and saying "yes that's fine" takes about 10 seconds. If you can't deal with that you're not really up to the interaction which friendship demands.

Mary46 · 27/07/2023 18:27

Yes you shouldnt have to chase friends. I leave it to her now. Its rude to leave you hanging though

Noodles1234 · 27/07/2023 18:39

She may of read it, wasn’t able to reply (reading as walking or accidentally opened the message), meant to reply later but forgot. I leave my messages unread that I need to reply but sometimes I forget to “unread” them.

Or he/she could be depressed and struggling.
Or made an honest mistake, it happens.

Just send another one asking if she’s ok, sometimes we need to second guess things, you maybe ok now but in the future you may thank a friend for this too.

Original poster
IWannaShout · 27/07/2023 18:44

Noodles1234 · 27/07/2023 18:39

She may of read it, wasn’t able to reply (reading as walking or accidentally opened the message), meant to reply later but forgot. I leave my messages unread that I need to reply but sometimes I forget to “unread” them.

Or he/she could be depressed and struggling.
Or made an honest mistake, it happens.

Just send another one asking if she’s ok, sometimes we need to second guess things, you maybe ok now but in the future you may thank a friend for this too.

I did think that at first so that's why I sent another short message and then still nothing. It's just really strange.

OP posts:
Noodles1234 · 27/07/2023 19:07

if you’ve sent a second reply, I’d leave it for a week or two then send another one. If you’re both good friends something could be up she doesn’t know how to say (maybe a sudden bereavement or something)?
I am usually ok at replying, but very occasionally drop the ball and when I do it’s spectacular.

UserRose · 27/07/2023 19:10

I agree with you OP all very strange, I have a friend who has done that to me, I have messaged her twice now in the last month, just a bit of chat and asking both times how she's doing and nothing.. someone I have known for 40 years - feel like blocking her tbh but may well just ask her if anything is up and see if I get an answer, feels a bit like being at school again yuk!!

Tara336 · 27/07/2023 19:15

If I get a message and am a bit busy I will reply just saying can't talk right now will get back to you ASAP. At least that way the message has been acknowledged and I can sit down when ready and reply in more detail. Its just rude leaving people hanging

Original poster
IWannaShout · 27/07/2023 19:25

UserRose · 27/07/2023 19:10

I agree with you OP all very strange, I have a friend who has done that to me, I have messaged her twice now in the last month, just a bit of chat and asking both times how she's doing and nothing.. someone I have known for 40 years - feel like blocking her tbh but may well just ask her if anything is up and see if I get an answer, feels a bit like being at school again yuk!!

It's not nice is it. I'd rather she just told me but I don't understand why she has asked to to out. I'm really struggling to understand. I'm wracking my brains thinking is there anything I could have said or done but there is nothing Sad

OP posts:
Underestimated4 · 27/07/2023 19:43

Nah it’s not rude, me and my friends do it all the time we just get busy.

Original poster
IWannaShout · 27/07/2023 19:51

Underestimated4 · 27/07/2023 19:43

Nah it’s not rude, me and my friends do it all the time we just get busy.

Do you make plans or is it the occasional text? Suppose if your all rude together then it wouldn't make any difference 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
Skye109 · 27/07/2023 20:01

I take weeks to reply to texts.
Literally weeks.
Some friends don't mind.
Some friends don't like it.
I can't do anything about it.
I get overloaded by my busy life, and texting comes last on my list of priorities.
Not because those friendships aren't important to me, but because I can't keep on constantly replying to texts.
I get multiple messages from friends every single day. I see them as a major consumer of my time, time I don't want to devote to answering non stop texts.
However, specific plans: 'Where are we meeting and what time' I will reply promptly to, because they're quick and easy, plus people actually need to know the answer so they can plan around it. I get that.
But the 'conversational' texts do my head in. Just have a conversation with me when I see you!

ChampagneIceCream · 27/07/2023 21:14

IWannaShout · 27/07/2023 07:29

I'm not ringing because, she is the one who initiated the lunch out, I'm not all that bothered but I can make other plans if it's not going ahead or have to reply. I'll give it until the end of today and then cancel if I've not heard.

That's quite petty op.

Original poster
IWannaShout · 27/07/2023 21:16

@ChampagneIceCream what do you suggest then? Another text? A call? Hang around and not make plans just in case?

OP posts:
Emmamoo89 · 27/07/2023 21:21

Yanbu x

lousyatchoosingnames · 27/07/2023 21:32

I'm bad at texting people back, it's never about them and always about me and what I am gong through. If it's bothering you, bring it up and see what she says, if it's her she'll admit it.

MissSparkles81 · 28/07/2023 01:16

100% YANBU

I have a friend who is similar. I have waited over a week for a reply to a message at times.

Yet this friend's phone is literally glued to her hand 24/7. When we do meet up it's never in her bag she always has it in her hand so I don't get why she takes so long to reply.

There's nothing else you can do. I would just make alternative plans for Sunday if you haven't heard back by late Friday evening.

Nigglenaggle · 28/07/2023 10:57

I find it really arrogant when people demand an instant reply. You are assuming that you are the most important thing she has to do in that moment, when this is a casual friendship so you will not know her every worry and care. You don't know what mental problems she is dealing with /masking with. Why is it rude that she hasn't replied to you, but fine that you are expecting a reply by a deadline. You have said already that she isn't one of the really important focuses of your life. Well newsflash, you're not the most important thing in hers either. This could be a nice casual friendship why make it into something tedious where she has to be careful what she says and when. Do you not think that's Queen Bee behaviour? She just forgot. If you want to see her, let go of your ego and text her again. If you don't want to see her, don't.