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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend taking ages to text back

182 replies

IWannaShout · 27/07/2023 07:03

I text a friend a couple of weeks ago and she had been on line but didn't reply for a week later. I was honestly starting to wonder if I had done something to make her end our friendship. I reply to her text within a day, because even though I am busy it doesn't take long to reply. Again, I get no response to my message.

AIBU to think that it's just rude. Appreciate lives are busy but it doesn't take long to reply.

OP posts:
User3743lll · 27/07/2023 09:15

Oh god, so full on. You've agreed to meet Sunday for lunch. So you just keep Sunday afternoon free. Would be incredibly rude to cancel 3 days before because you demanded she chose a venue and time in advance as well as making the effort to suggest the meet up. Why can't you both decide on Sunday morning? Why can't you research and book a place if you don't want to risk not booking? Why does she have to do all the leg work?

NeedToKnow101 · 27/07/2023 09:17

Some people miss the odd text so I'd just message her again.

MariaVT65 · 27/07/2023 09:21

IWannaShout · 27/07/2023 09:11

It's not on demand though, it's a simple text within a few days.

Show quote history

Absolutely, but my point is, there may be several other people also texting that person, so it feels more like that to that person.

saraclara · 27/07/2023 09:23

I have a family member who does this, and particularly when it's about making arrangements to see them, it's really annoying. I want to have a life at the weekend, rather than waiting to hear whether our suggested meeting is happening. If it's not, then reply to my text and tell me so that I can do something else with that day.

I messaged this person on Monday to confirm the day (she'd asked me to pick which day would work best) and have heard nothing back. I always have to prod her and I hate it as it makes me seem needy. But I just want to know so I can do something what with my day. This happens ALL the time. I love her dearly, but it drives me mad.

EarringsandLipstick · 27/07/2023 09:27

User3743lll · 27/07/2023 09:15

Oh god, so full on. You've agreed to meet Sunday for lunch. So you just keep Sunday afternoon free. Would be incredibly rude to cancel 3 days before because you demanded she chose a venue and time in advance as well as making the effort to suggest the meet up. Why can't you both decide on Sunday morning? Why can't you research and book a place if you don't want to risk not booking? Why does she have to do all the leg work?

So. Mad.

OP would like to know the definite arrangements & if it's going ahead. Not unreasonable.

If the friend had texted back saying 'looking forward to it, let's say 1230 & we can decide where to go on the day' that would be fine.

Pamspeople · 27/07/2023 09:29

Give OP's decision to flounce and ignore rather than check with her friend if she's OK, I'm kind of not surprised that the friend isn't in a hurry to confirm

EarringsandLipstick · 27/07/2023 09:30

@IWannaShout

And that's the other side ... I think your approach is unreasonable. There's a difference not getting a reply from someone where there's no plan to meet - yes, you might like to hear from them but there could be a myriad of reasons why they haven't.

In those cases, I assume there's a reason I'm unaware of & leave it. I don't chase them up, if they reply / contact me at some point, that's great.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 27/07/2023 09:35

IWannaShout · 27/07/2023 09:11

It's not on demand though, it's a simple text within a few days.

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Has she always been slow to reply or is it a recent thing?

I think that’s the key.

LolaSmiles · 27/07/2023 09:35

There is a huge middle ground though between expecting a reply immediately and 1-2 weeks. I dont expect a response from friends the same day either because I recognise people are busy but if it was about plans and they took over a week, or didnt respond at all, yes, I think that is rude. Mainly because I am busy too and it would mean that I could have made alternative plans on that day instead of keeping it free for someone who cant be arsed to just let me know
I agree it's rude to not confirm arrangements and leave someone hanging on arrangements for a week.

I just find the "but it takes seconds" outlook to be a bit over the top. It's holding other people to their preferred communication approach.

You sound similar to me. I know a lot of people who will take a few days to reply because they get a notification when they're doing something else, make a mental note to reply later and the unsurprisingly life gets busy, or they end up doing something with the children, or work and it slips their mind. It doesn't bother me.

BodegaSushi · 27/07/2023 09:35

Mothership4two · 27/07/2023 07:43

I don't understand OP's reluctance to just ring her. Who cares who initiated it if she wants to know?

If it has to be by text then just say you need to know for definite today as somethings come up

I don't get the 'just ring them' brigade either. A rude person who hasn't replied to a message isn't going to answer the phone.

Original poster
IWannaShout · 27/07/2023 09:37

She has always been slow to reply but when it just general talk that's okay. If its to confirm plans within the next few days then I think it's rude. I have sent another text and still no response so another text or call is definitely not happening.

OP posts:
NeedToThinkOfOne · 27/07/2023 09:39

Wenfy · 27/07/2023 07:29

It is rude. There are a lot of older people on MN who don’t understand how WhatsApp etiquette works - but a week to reply to a msg asking for clarification about a meeting is too long. In your position I’d stop being as available to her, she isn’t worth it - especially as her being online suggests she is replying to others.

😂older people? Whose set of rules must we abide by? As Whatsapp is owned by Facebook, I don’t think etiquette really comes into it!

Leave a short voice note OP, so they can hear from your voice you’re not hassling and perhaps just suggest the time, place and say you’ll book it. Good friends don’t bother about things like the time it takes to get back and we look forward to just talking in real life, not via a messaging app.

Maddy70 · 27/07/2023 09:51

I am terrible for doing this. I read messages as they pop up but I'm busy , driving , in work , watching a film etc. I genuinely do mean to reply later. Then totally forget

Mothership4two · 27/07/2023 09:55

BodegaSushi · 27/07/2023 09:35

I don't get the 'just ring them' brigade either. A rude person who hasn't replied to a message isn't going to answer the phone.

Show quote history

Unless you are the friend how do you know that?

I'd ring because I want the information and to make sure she is OK. If you don't try then you won't know. Why wouldn't you?

PinkButtercups · 27/07/2023 09:59

I'm not sure why you posted on AIBU because you clearly think you're not.

You are btw. She'll message in her own time scale, not yours.

HerMammy · 27/07/2023 10:15

These PPs saying they need mental energy etc to reply? just to say sorry can't make it or yes Sunday at 1?
C'mon now, that's a stretch and I'm personally very busy but would never ignore someone for a week.
Seems like there's always an excuse for ignorance and rudeness.

PimpMyFridge · 27/07/2023 10:18

PinkButtercups · 27/07/2023 09:59

I'm not sure why you posted on AIBU because you clearly think you're not.

You are btw. She'll message in her own time scale, not yours.

Which is rude... keeping someone waiting on an answer which is needed to plan your week, red she'll reply when she's good and ready maybe. Doesn't mean it's not selfish.

newhaircut · 27/07/2023 10:19

IWannaShout · 27/07/2023 09:37

She has always been slow to reply but when it just general talk that's okay. If its to confirm plans within the next few days then I think it's rude. I have sent another text and still no response so another text or call is definitely not happening.

You really cant do any more OP, you've now sent two messages and no response to either so I would assume Sunday is off and I'd make other plans.

I'm sure someone will pipe up to say a "good friend" would text/ring 6 times or whatever but I wouldnt. Twice is enough. Friendship has to be reciprocal otherwise its just one person chasing another and that doesnt feel good for anyone.

zooopta · 27/07/2023 10:26

nalabae · 27/07/2023 07:15

I do this with people but not a week later that's a bit much but I take long to reply when I feel sad

I'm doing it just now to everyone and I'm a bit low and depressed

Samlewis96 · 27/07/2023 10:27

ChesterAndRaoul · 27/07/2023 09:15

I'm not sure how to explain this because a lot of people on here will just chalk it down to rudeness, or laziness because they simply can't understand but I am one of those people that takes weeks to text back and it's not down to either of those things.

Personally I struggle with any social interaction, it takes an awful lot of energy for me to have a conversation in person or on the phone. If some texts me after work, after 8 hours of forced social interaction, you won't get a reply until I've had time to 'recharge'. And if that text is sent on a Monday that might not be until the weekend, and by then I may well have forgotten I even read the text.

It is a physical exhaustion that I feel when dealing with anything social, and just because "it only takes 2 minutes" doesn't mean anyone is entitled to anyone else's time.

That being said, I do make the effort to respond to important or time sensitive texts, for example details regarding meeting up, despite how it makes me feel.

My friends and family are very understanding that this is the way I am, and I am not devaluing their time, nor do I think less of them or the relationship but I am very open with how I am. And I know that this sort of thing affects more people than you think.

It might be worth having a conversation with her when/if you do meet up and see if this could be the case here, instead of just immediately writing her off as rude.

If it's not the case and she just can't be bothered then don't bother with the friendship, but you won't know until you actually speak to her.

If you dislike social interaction that much then you be unlikely to be planning lunches out

ChesterAndRaoul · 27/07/2023 10:30

HerMammy · 27/07/2023 10:15

These PPs saying they need mental energy etc to reply? just to say sorry can't make it or yes Sunday at 1?
C'mon now, that's a stretch and I'm personally very busy but would never ignore someone for a week.
Seems like there's always an excuse for ignorance and rudeness.

What is your excuse for ignorance?

Introvert burnout or introvert hangover is a real thing.

ChesterAndRaoul · 27/07/2023 10:34

@Samlewis96 Except I do, because I have friends and family that I love. Although it is rare compared to most people, I have seen my two best friends twice in the last year.

We have made plans with each other many times, but as we all care about eachother if one of us is not feeling it we don't meet up. I am lucky enough that one of them is very similar and the other is extremely understanding.

Purplebiscuitwithsprinkles · 27/07/2023 10:44

@IWannaShout They are being rude...I've let people go as friends when they have done it to me. I can't be bothered with rudeness anymore. I have asked them if they are ok etc beforehand but if they can't be be bothered to reply then I won't bother putting time and effort into a friendship it works both ways. Life is too short for rude selfish idiots.

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 27/07/2023 10:47

Does she have kids? If my kids are playing games on my phone they swipe away notifications that interrupt them so sometimes i miss them

Purplebiscuitwithsprinkles · 27/07/2023 10:50

I have a lovely set of friends who don't make me question things/friendships who are supportive and just get it. Responding is the basics of making each other feel supported and wanted in a friendship. I'm lucky that I have that. I suppose people are people and they do what they want I'm just lucky to have similar thinking people.