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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend taking ages to text back

182 replies

IWannaShout · 27/07/2023 07:03

I text a friend a couple of weeks ago and she had been on line but didn't reply for a week later. I was honestly starting to wonder if I had done something to make her end our friendship. I reply to her text within a day, because even though I am busy it doesn't take long to reply. Again, I get no response to my message.

AIBU to think that it's just rude. Appreciate lives are busy but it doesn't take long to reply.

OP posts:
UnfunnyJester · 27/07/2023 07:41

Yes it's rude if it's confirming plans to meet. You could plan something else.
I would think she doesn't prioritise your friendship as much. Do you get that feeling?

Mothership4two · 27/07/2023 07:43

I don't understand OP's reluctance to just ring her. Who cares who initiated it if she wants to know?

If it has to be by text then just say you need to know for definite today as somethings come up

PimpMyFridge · 27/07/2023 07:43

I think if it's asking for plan confirmation it's rude.
I often take a long time to get back to chatty texts because I'm in mental overload and like to take a moment to think what I want to say nicely. But a 'are we still on for Sunday?' should get an answer.
If it's out of character I'd be forgiving and just give her a quick call instead.

ArcticSkewer · 27/07/2023 07:44

So from my perspective, I have zero attention span these days. If I read the message when I was busy, it's quite likely I would forget about replying if I couldn't reply immediately. Then once a week or so I do a 'sweep' of messages to scoop up any I forgot about.

Just message again. It's not hard. Suggest somewhere to meet and a time instead of being so passive.

TheChosenTwo · 27/07/2023 07:44

Just text her and say ‘I’ve made other plans for Sunday now as you didn’t get back to me re lunch so presuming it’s off, catch you some other time.’
A week is long enough to decide to cancel your plans and commit to something else.

stallonesbicep · 27/07/2023 07:44

Of course its rude not to confirm plans, it takes like, 5 seconds to do that.

What is OP supposed to do- use her mental powers of telepathy to just guess whether she should turn up to the meeting on Sunday or not?

SeanMean · 27/07/2023 07:46

It’s definitely rude and I would be annoyed.

I can’t believe so many people are saying the opposite…definitely a MN thing.

In the real world, it’s rude and takes two seconds to reply.

LolaSmiles · 27/07/2023 07:51

If she's not confirmed arrangements then I'd assume it isn't going ahead. It's rude for her not to confirm either way.

I do find the "but messaging takes seconds", check if people are online style checking up on people to be a bit much though. The whole point of messages is that they're able to be replied to later. If you want to demand an instant conversation then call someone.

Olika · 27/07/2023 08:03

As it's about catching up on Sunday and it is Thursday now, I definitely would pick up the phone and ask her. Or send a message to say to let me know by this afternoon as otherwise you make other plans. Personally I think not getting back to a message for over a week means you are not a priority. However I have noticed with some people they delay response until they have definite answer and know for sure. Like my husband, he cannot plan things far out so he confirms things with his mates very last minute.

UserRose · 27/07/2023 08:10

SeanMean · 27/07/2023 07:46

It’s definitely rude and I would be annoyed.

I can’t believe so many people are saying the opposite…definitely a MN thing.

In the real world, it’s rude and takes two seconds to reply.

Exactly!

Pamspeople · 27/07/2023 08:18

I think if she wanted to see you she'd have confirmed by now, and if you really wanted to see her you'd have rung or checked if she's OK. I don't think this friendship has much life left in it.

RaceToTheMiddle · 27/07/2023 08:21

Why don’t you ring her…. Calls are for instant conversations not texts !

Shoxfordian · 27/07/2023 08:24

I think it’s rude as well; can’t stand flaky people - I have friends like that but they just end up being phased out tbh

AvidBookAndCatCollector · 27/07/2023 08:27

So you're complaining she can't communicate but you won't pick up the phone and call her which takes all of 5 seconds? Both as bad as each other sorry.

TheBloatedMiddle · 27/07/2023 08:28

ArcticSkewer · 27/07/2023 07:44

So from my perspective, I have zero attention span these days. If I read the message when I was busy, it's quite likely I would forget about replying if I couldn't reply immediately. Then once a week or so I do a 'sweep' of messages to scoop up any I forgot about.

Just message again. It's not hard. Suggest somewhere to meet and a time instead of being so passive.

I am a bit like this also. Particularly lately where I have alot going on.

But with one friend I do take a bit of time to reply.... she texted yesterday morning for example and I am about to reply to her. She is quite a demanding person and tricky and so I need space to work out what to say to her about even very inconsequential things. (In this case- meeting up next week), as she requires careful handling!! (And if I reply straight away i get bombarded with further texts).

Original poster
IWannaShout · 27/07/2023 08:30

So I've decided I'm not phoning, why should I call if she can't even text back? She initiated the plans, although I would like to go I have other plans I could make if not.

If I don't hear by the end of today I will take it as not going and plan something else and drift away from this friendship and next time she messages, maybe I'll just ignore.

OP posts:
Original poster
IWannaShout · 27/07/2023 08:32

AvidBookAndCatCollector · 27/07/2023 08:27

So you're complaining she can't communicate but you won't pick up the phone and call her which takes all of 5 seconds? Both as bad as each other sorry.

But why should I call when I have already text and had no response? If she doesn't want to reply by text then she surely won't want to talk on the phone 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
NoAprilFool · 27/07/2023 08:33

I agree it’s rude but I do this a lot. I reply in my head - usually because I’m doing something else at the time - and then it’s like my brain has ticked it off as done. Happens more when I’m overwhelmed or having a mental health wobble.
just message her again - it’s more likely to get a response than stewing over it

moonlitnoir · 27/07/2023 08:33

I also think its rude. Yes, OP could/should call her but if you've already asked someone to confirm and they just dont reply it makes you feel a bit awkward to ask them again, it feels like you're chasing them/pestering them. Noone wants to ask multiple times for someone to simply confirm a lunch date.

Sometimeswinning · 27/07/2023 08:35

The whole point of WhatsApp is its a quick way to keep in touch. I'm suprised at your replies on here. I'm with you op.

People who take too long to reply are the ones I no longer make any plans with. My time is just as precious and it takes seconds to answer.

Seaweasel · 27/07/2023 08:35

So I am one of the old people in WhatsApp. If you've already arranged lunch meet up on Sunday, then I'd be leaving Sunday lunchtime free, say 12-2. You are wanting to know what time (lunchtime) and where, which is fair enough. But don't assume it's not happening because your friend hasn't named a venue. If you're too anxious to call her, message with - how about this cafe 12.30? Or whatever. But it is only Thursday and you're not meeting until Sunday, presumably somewhere local which doesn't involve buying a new outfit etc.

EarringsandLipstick · 27/07/2023 08:36

AvidBookAndCatCollector · 27/07/2023 08:27

So you're complaining she can't communicate but you won't pick up the phone and call her which takes all of 5 seconds? Both as bad as each other sorry.

Nonsense.

Someone who wasn't a particularly close friend, as is the case here, I wouldn't call. It seems like hounding someone.

I know it's odd, but it's the etiquette of our time!

Shoesonthefloor · 27/07/2023 08:36

I wouldn't phone and I'm old! I would send another text though asking what's happening Sunday, is it still going ahead ?

TheGreenSketch · 27/07/2023 08:37

It’s rude, but if it’s out of character for her perhaps something is not happy in her world. I tend to reply quickly to those I care about, but am guilty of ignoring others for great swathes of time. Like everything we prioritise those messages we care about.

EarringsandLipstick · 27/07/2023 08:37

IWannaShout · 27/07/2023 08:30

So I've decided I'm not phoning, why should I call if she can't even text back? She initiated the plans, although I would like to go I have other plans I could make if not.

If I don't hear by the end of today I will take it as not going and plan something else and drift away from this friendship and next time she messages, maybe I'll just ignore.

I think that's childish. I've no time for tit-for-tat.

Send her one more message. If no reply, assume not happening.

If she messages in the future, don't ignore her on a point of principle, that's silly. Meet up or don't but no need to act like she does to make a point.

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