Friend taking ages to text back

[IWannaShout]

I text a friend a couple of weeks ago and she had been on line but didn't reply for a week later. I was honestly starting to wonder if I had done something to make her end our friendship. I reply to her text within a day, because even though I am busy it doesn't take long to reply. Again, I get no response to my message.

AIBU to think that it's just rude. Appreciate lives are busy but it doesn't take long to reply.

I agree with you OP. If your friend is taking a week or more to reply to a text, its not very likely she'll be immediately available for a phone call. PP have suggested she might be busy/dealing with issues so that wont suddenly be any different if your ring her and if you get no reply it will make you feel even more ignored.

Although, I might be tempted to do that just so I could think in my head that I did everything I could to salvage the friendship. If she doesnt pick up then she has lost a good friend, whereas you have lost someone who doesnt seem to give a shit anyway so the loss is all hers.

This is what I don’t get. It takes me all of say 1-2 min to write a long message never mind a 20
second short one.

or I’ll send a voice note to a friend while I’m walking or watching tv

I struggle to believe people are really that busy that they can’t take 30 secs to a min out their day to reply to a text without it taking over a week to respond

Are the PPs who think taking a week to reply the same ppl who don't answer their doors?
Being rude and inconsiderate isn't something to be proud of, a text takes 2 seconds.

I think that's probably true for many people. However if you don't care enough about someone to answer their messages just phase them out. It's not very kind to keep them hanging. And why make arrangements in the first place. Just weird.

OP it's up to you obviously but I'd just want to know for certain so I can get on with my plans. Surely it's worth sending one more message? Not to chase but to clarify?

Are the PPs who think taking a week to reply the same ppl who don't answer their doors?
Being rude and inconsiderate isn't something to be proud of, a text takes 2 seconds.
I answer my door and think the friend is rude for not confirming arrangements.

I don't think it's the end of the world for people to take a while to reply to texts because I assume that they've got a life going on outside their phone. It's very easy to think 'I'll reply later' and then forget.

If everyone is expected to reply to texts quickly and resort to checking their friends have viewed messages/have been online because it just takes a couple of seconds then no wonder some people are glued to their phones in a never ending ping-a-thon of messages. I find friendships that require high amounts of texting and messaging to be exhausting, and would much rather see them in person for quality time than spend most of my day stopping to reply to lots of people

I dont agree with this at all. OP has already reached out once to ask friend to confirm and has had no reply so OP has communicated. Its her friend who isnt communicating. I wouldnt keep on phoning or texting either if I got a tumbleweed response. As a PP said, it feels like hounding someone

If everyone is expected to reply to texts quickly and resort to checking their friends have viewed messages/have been online because it just takes a couple of seconds then no wonder some people are glued to their phones in a never ending ping-a-thon of messages. I find friendships that require high amounts of texting and messaging to be exhausting, and would much rather see them in person for quality time than spend most of my day stopping to reply to lots of people

There is a huge middle ground though between expecting a reply immediately and 1-2 weeks. I dont expect a response from friends the same day either because I recognise people are busy but if it was about plans and they took over a week, or didnt respond at all, yes, I think that is rude. Mainly because I am busy too and it would mean that I could have made alternative plans on that day instead of keeping it free for someone who cant be arsed to just let me know.

I dont know why you are getting a hard time from certain posters, especially about calling this friend. Just encouraging you to be a stalker whole berating you for knowing the friend is online 🤣🤣. If it was a proper good friend of course you would call and say hey are you okay?
OP it's rude, and civility costs nothing, no one is too busy to take 2 minutes to reply and say I'm busy rushing about like mad at the moment but I promise I'll reply shortly or words to that effect. Some people are just plain ignorant.
I would just make your other plans and if it when she replies just be honest and say she didn't reply and let you know what the script was after you specifically asking so you made other plans.

Jeez, you don’t need to call but you
should text again / ‘Hey friend, let me know today about Sunday. If you’re not up for it that’s no bother, we can rearrange, but I’m being asked about plans for the weekend so I’ll sort something else for Sunday if I haven’t heard back from you. xx’

That’s the blessing and curse of texting- yes it’s a quick way to get response but also it makes people think everyone is available 24/7. Sometimes after a long day of work/ children/ house duties I cba to get into a text conversation with anyone. It may be rude but often I’m protecting my well-being. If it’s not urgent sometimes it can wait.

I have a friend who does this and sometimes I feel they are waiting for a better offer!

I agree that it’s rude - I suppose I am not very chilled though as I also think constant lateness when meeting up is also bad manners.

It takes a second to send a quick text either confirming or even to say they will get back to you if they are not sure.

If I have to text again or phone to get a straight answer I feel I am chasing.

Personally if I was to do that myself to someone I would be fading out the friendship.

The letter comparison did make me smile though😂

Some posters just love to make the OP feel like a needy idiot.

I had a friend for 15 years, we would message almost daily.

Recently she's started taking longer and longer to reply.

One gap was 4 months! I asked her if she was OK, she said 'soooo sorry I'm an awful friend, I'm just busy' I said no worries, no pressure, speak soon.

I don't bother messaging now. There's no point when you don't get a reply.

I find this a bit odd and sad.

Your friend does all the initiating and has to come up with the plans for where and what time as well… what effort do you put it apart from turning up?

It doesn’t sound like you have much enthusiasm for seeing her, and you’re more concerned with having ‘something’ to do on Sunday than meeting her specifically. Maybe she has started picking up on your lack of enthusiasm and it’s getting her down? You say you suspect she might be depressed but your reaction is to ignore and drop her instead of showing concern and effort.

It was realising that for some of my friends I was a ‘filler’ if nothing better was available that contributed to my depression.

Either she is your friend and you care about her or she’s just social company, if the former please call her, it may make all the difference to know someone wants to spend time with her.

Completely agree. It takes seconds!

For all the people who are " too busy" to text. ( but sure as shit have time to go on MN and tell people just how busy they are - arf)

"Sorry, it's crazy here at the moment. Will reply properly tonight."

That took me 20 seconds

I wouldn’t be offended and i think this is normal.

For me, as well as being busy and exhausted, I just quite frankly don’t want to be ‘on demand’ or attached to my phone all day. And sometimes in the evening when i get an hour free before bed, i just want to relax with a book or some tv. I don’t want to reply to a bunch of messages.

Does she normally message you back quickly?

If this is a change from the norm then call her or message her again. People who are acting different to normal deserve a chance as it usually means something is going on.

If she’s been like this since the start of your friendship and you’re just fed up of it then that’s another story.

Yes it’s rude in my book. Firming up plans needs a swift reply. People who can’t do this are not part of my life anymore.

People can do both, or have days when they don’t want to do either.

It's rude. But on Mumsnet the belief is that no one is entitled to your time. You know, the same Mumsnet where everyone is an introvert, always stays in and never answers the phone or the door.

So not sure you can expect many to sympathise.

So, if you initiated plans with someone for sunday and they asked you if it was still happening you'd just ignore them?

It's not on demand though, it's a simple text within a few days.

Just as an outsider perspective because obviously I don't know your friend,

Personally, I struggle with my mental health. Even the people I love most I will either forget to reply to them or be going through a major anxiety day and not read it till I mentally feel capable to give it a deserved response. If it's a long message your friend may be doing that or if it's a short message they may have slid the message down, intended to reply and forgotten. If they are like me they will apologise for taking so long. If your friend doesn't then it may be they are being rude but it's very much important to have open communication and maybe message 'hey, I've noticed you've been taking a while to reply, just checking you're okay or if I've done anything wrong?' That way you're being understanding and respectful and not pushing them to be defensive

I'm not sure how to explain this because a lot of people on here will just chalk it down to rudeness, or laziness because they simply can't understand but I am one of those people that takes weeks to text back and it's not down to either of those things.

Personally I struggle with any social interaction, it takes an awful lot of energy for me to have a conversation in person or on the phone. If some texts me after work, after 8 hours of forced social interaction, you won't get a reply until I've had time to 'recharge'. And if that text is sent on a Monday that might not be until the weekend, and by then I may well have forgotten I even read the text.

It is a physical exhaustion that I feel when dealing with anything social, and just because "it only takes 2 minutes" doesn't mean anyone is entitled to anyone else's time.

That being said, I do make the effort to respond to important or time sensitive texts, for example details regarding meeting up, despite how it makes me feel.

My friends and family are very understanding that this is the way I am, and I am not devaluing their time, nor do I think less of them or the relationship but I am very open with how I am. And I know that this sort of thing affects more people than you think.

It might be worth having a conversation with her when/if you do meet up and see if this could be the case here, instead of just immediately writing her off as rude.

If it's not the case and she just can't be bothered then don't bother with the friendship, but you won't know until you actually speak to her.

You're both as bad as each other IMO.