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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think once per week is too often for relatives to see baby

305 replies

littlebean95 · 26/07/2023 09:45

I'm a FTM to a 4.5 month old DC.

Since DC was born, my in-laws have asked to come round our house every single weekend to see DC, usually a Sunday, and for no more than 2 hours.

My own parents are separated. My dad works full time, so has seen DC less, probably 5 or 6 times since birth. My mom does not work so I go to her house once a week during the week to visit, occasionally twice if I need to stop in to change nappies or feed if I'm out and about, only 45 mins or so.

If I'm completely honest I'm getting sick of making sure my house is tidy for in-laws to visit every weekend. I know it isn't expected with a relatively young baby, but I can't let people in my house without having a decent clean. It also impedes on the time we get to spend as our own family, as my DP works fairly long hours in the week, so we only get an hour or so after he comes back. I want weekends to be for us.

They also seem to visit when DC needs a nap, despite me being specific as to when they should come. I have just started taking DC off up to bed when getting cranky though, and they haven't said anything specifically, but the vibe is very much like I'm being a helicopter mom, taking their toy away when DC could easily fall asleep on me or MIL if really tired. DC now needs darkness and white noise to sleep though so wouldn't be rested and I'd be left to deal with the fallout later. DP was an easy baby who slept anywhere apparently so MIL thinks all babies are as such.

They always go to my DP to ask if they can come round, and although he isn't the greatest fan of frequent visits either, doesn't want confrontation so will say yes. I have told him it's too often for me but so far no change. They also both work full time so I can't pop round in the week with the baby.

If they were to come to collect DC for a nice walk in the pram in the park or half a day at their house, I'd have less issue. Bit of a break for me and DP and they get to see their grandchild. But they always want to come and see DC at my house and I feel like I have to entertain them. Keep conversation going, making tea. They've never taken DC out, in fact, although I know baby is still quite young so maybe they will when older.

On one hand I feel guilty because I know babies grow so fast and they do love DC and want to see him. It's only 2 hours out of my week. Some grandparents don't bother with their grandchildren. And I feel bad that my own mother sees DC frequently, but I feel differently about her because she's MY mom. Maybe that's wrong.

I made a half joke comment at a baby group the other day that the worst part of having a baby had been the frequency I have to see my in-laws now. I did intend it as a joke, but some of the reactions I got suggested it was mean. Prompting this AIBU.

AIBU? Is it too often or should I just suck it up? How often do your parents/in laws see your DC?

OP posts:
morelippy · 26/07/2023 09:47

How often do you visit them OP?

bridgetreilly · 26/07/2023 09:48

It does sound like most of the problem is the pressure you put on yourself to clean and to entertain. Just stop doing that? Give them the baby while you get on with things that it’s easier to do with someone else looking after them.

dahliadazed · 26/07/2023 09:49

YANBU, my IL still do this - visit once a week on a Sunday (most weeks but I try to push back) and my eldest is 21! No one enjoys it but we have a routine we can’t seem to break.

TeddyBeans · 26/07/2023 09:49

My MIL comes to see DD every Wednesday and she's here for 4-5 hours, sometimes longer. My parents see DS and DD 2-3 times a week. It's nice they want to be involved. I'd much rather the grandparents love the grandchildren than be completely non existent in day to day life and only pop up for special occasions

morelippy · 26/07/2023 09:50

Or more to the point how often does your husband visit them with the baby?

user1471505494 · 26/07/2023 09:50

I’m sure when you become a MIL you will be delighted to only have limited contact with a probably much loved and longed for grandchild

Justcallmebebes · 26/07/2023 09:51

Well can't you compromise and suggest they take baby out for a couple of hours on a weekend?

Seems a bit off to see your mum once or twice a week but resent the in laws dropping in once a week

Original poster
littlebean95 · 26/07/2023 09:52

morelippy · 26/07/2023 09:47

How often do you visit them OP?

Since DC has been born I've visited by myself a couple of times when MIL has had annual leave in the week, DP has taken DC over himself once on a weekend, and we've been together again another couple of times for a BBQ and birthday. We've also all congregated at DP's grandmother's house twice. So maybe 6 times in 4 months ish?

OP posts:
BubziOwl · 26/07/2023 09:52

What is too much or too little is a conversation for you and your in laws tbh. Everyone is different! You'll get some people here who say they see grandparents every day and others who say anything more than twice a year is an infringement of your human rights.

Personally my children see each set of grandparents once a week, sometimes more, and that doesn't feel too much to me at all.

Selfesteem23 · 26/07/2023 09:52

Take it in turns and visit them?

BodenCardiganNot · 26/07/2023 09:52

I made a half joke comment at a baby group the other day that the worst part of having a baby had been the frequency I have to see my in-laws now. I did intend it as a joke, but some of the reactions I got suggested it was mean.
Yes. It was mean.
It seems like in-laws can never do right on MN.
Why do you feel you have to clean before people come and visit? How dirty or untidy can your house get with only 2 adults and 1 small baby?

OrangeySnicket · 26/07/2023 09:52

Take the baby to them? Say that you've organised days out every other weekend?

I think it's quite sweet that they're so interested, I would love to see my parents that often. ILs not so much but I'd take myself off for a nap after a few minutes of polite chat and DH can do all of that!

I think you're being a bit precious about naps but it's your decision about that.

Readyplayerthr33 · 26/07/2023 09:53

You have to make a choice really. Do you want involved grandparents who will love your child and help and support you as the child grows? Or do you not?

Because you can’t just pick them up when it’s convenient for you and tell them to piss off when it isn’t. If you limit contact, limit them coming round but continue to see your mum twice a week then that will have an affect and you’ll find yourself missing out on the support they could give and your child missing out on a bond with their grandparents.

Why don’t you just have a conversation with them and suggest they take the baby out? Or stop cleaning your house so obsessively. No one gives a damn except you.

StephanieSuperpowers · 26/07/2023 09:53

I think they sound quite considerate. They tell you when they're coming, aren't looking for lunch and leaving after a short visit. I think you could manage to be a bit more tolerant.

Sirzy · 26/07/2023 09:54

So seeing your relatives regularly is fine but not your husbands.

maybe start going to there house, or sending DH and baby to there house every so often instead.

Whostolemymojo · 26/07/2023 09:54

Do you have a son? you will probably be a grandparent one day too. So think how you would feel if your son’s wife was like this towards you.
I think you need to ask them if they want to be more involved hands on and hold them to it.
Dont upset your free babysitting!

Original poster
littlebean95 · 26/07/2023 09:54

Forgot to add that on two occasions I've put my foot down and said no they can't come, once early on when I was still bleeding and just having a really shit time, and another time when DC had a bad cold. Both times have been met with a bit of resistance, which makes me even less eager to see them, to be honest.

OP posts:
hedgehoglurker · 26/07/2023 09:54

Get your dp to take baby to them for a few hours at the weekend. You said you'd like a break, so win-win.

ModeWeasel · 26/07/2023 09:55

It seems fine in terms of time. I would focus on how to move towards some of the adjustments you would prefer such as them taking baby out or watching them etc

WeetabixTowels · 26/07/2023 09:55

YABVU to say seeing YOUR mum twice a week is fine but your baby’s other GPs visiting half that amount is too much.

Get your OH to clean. It’s his family after all. Although I feel the issue is not so much cleaning but you probably just don’t want the round because you don’t like them

zingerdoo · 26/07/2023 09:56

Have you suggested to them they can take him out if they want to? They might be worried about over stepping a boundary and would be really pleased to take him for a little while.
I know my parents were delighted when i suggested that to them- they really wanted to but were worried we might not let them. Pushing a pram along is a lovely thing to do.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 26/07/2023 09:57

My mom does not work so I go to her house once a week during the week to visit, occasionally twice if I need to stop in to change nappies or feed if I'm out and about, only 45 mins or so

This says absolutely everything, You are more than happy for one grandmother to see him once a week but not the other just because she is your MIL.

morelippy · 26/07/2023 09:58

So one set of grandparents have had a visit 6 times and the other set twice a week for 4 months.

You can work out why they want to come at the weekend surely

SleepingStandingUp · 26/07/2023 09:59

So you see your Mom at least once a week, frequently more but you don't want your partner and child to see his parent more than what, once a month for 30 minutes?? because weekends are prescious family time UNLESS they'll take baby for half a day at a time and then it ISN'T prescious family time.
Why can't you just go out if the actual issue is you seeing them?

Why is your husband so useless he doesn't help with the baby? Why is he too lazy to do anything around the house so you're having to always have a cleansing frenzy whenever the in-laws visit?

CSIblonde · 26/07/2023 09:59

So as soon as they've had a cup of tea , suggest they take the baby out "for some fresh air" . Your DC prob fall asleep quicker as it's nap time they always turn up at: & you will get some me time. Also, they only see the kitchen & front room probably? So don't kill yourself tidying. Just a 5 min tidying whip round in each room .