To think once per week is too often for relatives to see baby

[littlebean95]

I'm a FTM to a 4.5 month old DC.

Since DC was born, my in-laws have asked to come round our house every single weekend to see DC, usually a Sunday, and for no more than 2 hours.

My own parents are separated. My dad works full time, so has seen DC less, probably 5 or 6 times since birth. My mom does not work so I go to her house once a week during the week to visit, occasionally twice if I need to stop in to change nappies or feed if I'm out and about, only 45 mins or so.

If I'm completely honest I'm getting sick of making sure my house is tidy for in-laws to visit every weekend. I know it isn't expected with a relatively young baby, but I can't let people in my house without having a decent clean. It also impedes on the time we get to spend as our own family, as my DP works fairly long hours in the week, so we only get an hour or so after he comes back. I want weekends to be for us.

They also seem to visit when DC needs a nap, despite me being specific as to when they should come. I have just started taking DC off up to bed when getting cranky though, and they haven't said anything specifically, but the vibe is very much like I'm being a helicopter mom, taking their toy away when DC could easily fall asleep on me or MIL if really tired. DC now needs darkness and white noise to sleep though so wouldn't be rested and I'd be left to deal with the fallout later. DP was an easy baby who slept anywhere apparently so MIL thinks all babies are as such.

They always go to my DP to ask if they can come round, and although he isn't the greatest fan of frequent visits either, doesn't want confrontation so will say yes. I have told him it's too often for me but so far no change. They also both work full time so I can't pop round in the week with the baby.

If they were to come to collect DC for a nice walk in the pram in the park or half a day at their house, I'd have less issue. Bit of a break for me and DP and they get to see their grandchild. But they always want to come and see DC at my house and I feel like I have to entertain them. Keep conversation going, making tea. They've never taken DC out, in fact, although I know baby is still quite young so maybe they will when older.

On one hand I feel guilty because I know babies grow so fast and they do love DC and want to see him. It's only 2 hours out of my week. Some grandparents don't bother with their grandchildren. And I feel bad that my own mother sees DC frequently, but I feel differently about her because she's MY mom. Maybe that's wrong.

I made a half joke comment at a baby group the other day that the worst part of having a baby had been the frequency I have to see my in-laws now. I did intend it as a joke, but some of the reactions I got suggested it was mean. Prompting this AIBU.

AIBU? Is it too often or should I just suck it up? How often do your parents/in laws see your DC?

It's not a day, it's a couple of hours. She doesn't have to be there. I love Mil, she's down once or twice a week but if the weekend visit clashes with my plans, I go out any way.

Just remember you're modelling to your son how you should be treated when he's older. And I mean both of you, not just you.

Why don’t you say you’ll drop the baby at theirs and then you and dh can go for lunch. They’ve seen the baby you’ve had a change of scene.

Yes, it is wrong. However, I think it is up to your husband to manage the relationship between his child and his parents

He is though! They contact him and he agrees they can visit.

OP I do understand, my ILs turned up every Saturday afternoon and sat there waiting to hold the baby. Not once did they bring a meal or groceries or even go into the kitchen with their dirty cups

Why would they bring a meal or groceries? Surely as adults You and DH can feed yourselves! They want to visit their grandchild not do your shopping and cooking

OP do you feel like you’ll be judged if your home isn’t tidy?
I had a brilliant relationship with my first child’s grandmother & I know she would never have thought anything of my home not being perfect.
Where as my DH’s parents were a different kettle of fish! They never really liked me because a single mum wasn’t good enough for their son. I used to feel so stressed out before their arrival, but I didn’t want to give them an excuse to slate me. All I wanted was their acceptance.

As for baby’s nap time, I think it shows lack of respect if they’re not listening when you tell them to avoid that time. They have all day/evening to pick their time to come over.

Some of my children were difficult sleepers & really needed that proper routine from a young age or they would be grumpy as hell & harder to settle later. Maybe if this is the case for your baby too, you could explain it to them in a non confrontational way? Or do you not feel comfortable enough with them to do this?

You're making up rules about what you have to do that are making life much harder for you. I think they're based in ideas we all get indoctrinated with about what a woman's role is in the family. That you're the glue that sticks things together.

If they're coming every week, they're not 'guests', they're in your intimate circle - no need to tidy (or if there is, your DP can do it). Seriously, give less of a shit.

Also no need to make conversation flow. Who says you need to? Leave them to it. You do not need to do the emotional labour to 'fix' the relationship between your DP and ILs. Really. It's their relationship.

Would you expect your DP to sit and make nice with your DM if she came over every weekend? Would he welcome that?

You can be polite and friendly, have a coffee with them or whatever, then naff off to a yoga class/swimming/coffee with a friend. DP can suggest they go out for a walk together and eventually maybe they go without him. Shake it up, don't fall into a routine that makes you feel trapped.

You need to be careful because just as if you start doing all the cooking, cleaning, family admin you can end up doing it forever, if you start doing the running around to make the relationship with ILs work, you'll also get stuck doing it forever - planning Christmas, buying cards and presents, arranging dinners and days away etc. Is there a man who does this for his female partner? Is there a reason why your DP can't do this for himself? If he can't be arsed, it doesn't happen. Don't be the organisational lynchpin.

I think it's really nice that they want to be involved, with the right attitude this could strengthen their bond with your DP and give you a bit of a break, you just need to let go of the restrictions you're imposing on yourself.

My kids have always seen their grandparents every week but everyone is different. If it doesn't work for you just tell them.
Could you meet them for a walk or go to theirs if the problem is you not wanting them at your house. I think it'd nice they want to spend time with you and your baby.

I absolutely hope if my daughter ever has a child she can call on me when she needs me and tell me to ‘piss off’ when she doesn’t.

My baby did nap well in the living room in the light until 12 weeks or so. Now he won't go down unless he's in the dark. I don't think that's particularly unusual? But then again I'm a new mom and don't know so maybe I'm doing it all wrong and am not doing right by baby.
Thanks for the other advice.

I would hate this too. It’s weird that as a childless couple having someone visit every Sunday would be madness and then as soon as you have a baby you’re meant to host people weekly and be fine with it! I would find this exhausting too! Could you maybe go away to break the cycle and then the next time they ask your DP, he instead suggests that they go for a walk and he’ll bring baby, then next weekend decline as you have plans (maybe invent a friends birthday) then the week after again suggest you meet for a walk, then you could get into an “every second Sunday we have a walk and a coffee” rather than having visitors every week. As it sounds like it’s the frequency and the at home part that’s (understandably!) a struggle for you.

As an introvert I can’t even see my closest friends weekly as I completely run out of things to say. I can’t see my dad weekly or he starts to irritate me. For me, every 2 weeks works - enough things have happened that conversation flows easily.

Every weekend is a bit much, especially if they come when baby is napping as that's precious free time when you don't want to be entertaining people. I would also feel the need to clean so I do understand that as well.

On the other hand, I don't think they're doing anything really wrong wanting to see their grandchild often. I couldn't say no if I had nothing else planned. So I would probably handle it by planning a few day trips out/weekends away as a family if you can afford it. And maybe offer for them to come round for dinner in the week, or see if you'd be welcome at theirs? Break the routine of them just coming to you every weekend and make it more flexible.

One day you might be really grateful for how invested they are, if they are willing to babysit when your child is older.

Yes, I do feel like I'll be judged. Their home is spotless and always has been and I've struggled to keep mine in a good place after baby. It makes me feel depressed when I don't have a relatively clean house. I'm sure others will say I should get DP to clean though.

There's lots of background info I could have put in the OP but it was already long as is and if I bring it up now it seems others will say I'm just trash talking them because I'm not getting the answers I want so there's little point.

I also think that this problem might solve itself within a few months - a 4.5 month old is cute and happy(ish) to sit on people's laps and be cooed at and played with.

Once they're crawling and toddling, they're much more keen to get out and about and sitting down for long periods is less of an option because they're into everything and you need to walk them round/keep them off the stairs/stop them eating soil from plantpots etc.

Her problem is she doesn't want hers to see her baby. Her problem is she doesn't want to clean. I bet they don't even care whether she has done an in depth clean at all. They come for 2 hours which is not excessive.

OP offer to drop baby there while you go out with DP or shopping or just home again. I bet they would be delighted.

Why doesn't your DP clean though?

That's a hell of a dripfeed OP, and I think the issues between your DH and his parents change things massively.

First of all if they are a risk to your son in any way then put your foot down. No unsupervised contact ever.

But if not, I reckon your DH needs to manage this and I mean all of it. Arranging the visits, cleaning, making tea, dealing with the naps etc (including doing bedtime later if sleep is messed up).

Then after a few weeks of this, have a chat with DH and ask him whether it's sustainable and come up with a plan going forward. You be the gracious supporter, not the instigator.

I don't think once a week is too much but as they're not your parents I think it should be down your DP to arrange and not you.

I get on fine with my in-laws but if DH wants to socialise with them then that's on him to arrange 🤷‍♀️

Get your dp to drop baby off on Sundays and you pick baby up together. You get a nice break that way.

Disclaimer, both my mil and fil died before I got together with ex. So I haven't got that experience.

Its not 'wrong' but you do need to have a think about how you want the next 3 years to go. Do you want to be able to go out places, visit friends, holidays, day trips etc? If so, encouraging your child to only be able to nap in the pitch black with white noise is not a good idea.

I'd honestly try to keep baby used to at least one nap on the day which is in a different location or I think you are giving yourself a lot of stress for the future

She hasn't said she doesn't want them to see the baby at all.

She's said their home is spotless and she feels judged if hers isn't.

They haven't offered to take the baby out or look after it alone.

You're making out she's being lazy and unfriendly, which doesn't sound true - I think she resents having no choice in what to do at the weekend and losing naptime or having naps disturbed when she's asked for them not to.

Two naps at that age is very common. You shouldn't push babies to drop naps before they're ready to do so.

I agree it's better if they can nap without needing a particular place, not many babies will do a well lit lap nap in a room full of people talking though.

Why don’t you take the reins and tell them what you want, they’re not mind readers. Don’t clean the house, ask them to take him out in pram. Then you’re getting break and baby can sleep in pram, win win. Can’t fathom why you’d clean, ask them to help with that too!

I lost my grandparents at a young age and I'm so thankful for the memories I have of the time I got to spend with them. Let your child have a close relationship with their grandparents, please don't make it weird or difficult for them. I felt lots of pressure to make my house clean and spotless for visitors after my son was born but once I let go of that pressure I started to love and appreciate all of the time family wanted to spend with my baby. Plus, when your baby is a little older you will welcome the offer from family to babysit for the evening 😊

If your Dh hasn’t got much of a relationship with them and doesn’t want want to go round there, it’s odd he wants to spend every Sunday with them.

I’d start by breaking this routine of them sitting in your house every Sunday. Book a few Sundays out to nice places and Dh can tell them that you’re busy when they ask if they can come round at the weekend. Get in there early a few times and say you’ll pop into theirs for coffee one Saturday or Sunday for an hour-then you’ve seen them. Invite them for dinner on a different day but get out of this habit. Seize control!