To think once per week is too often for relatives to see baby

[littlebean95]

I'm a FTM to a 4.5 month old DC.

Since DC was born, my in-laws have asked to come round our house every single weekend to see DC, usually a Sunday, and for no more than 2 hours.

My own parents are separated. My dad works full time, so has seen DC less, probably 5 or 6 times since birth. My mom does not work so I go to her house once a week during the week to visit, occasionally twice if I need to stop in to change nappies or feed if I'm out and about, only 45 mins or so.

If I'm completely honest I'm getting sick of making sure my house is tidy for in-laws to visit every weekend. I know it isn't expected with a relatively young baby, but I can't let people in my house without having a decent clean. It also impedes on the time we get to spend as our own family, as my DP works fairly long hours in the week, so we only get an hour or so after he comes back. I want weekends to be for us.

They also seem to visit when DC needs a nap, despite me being specific as to when they should come. I have just started taking DC off up to bed when getting cranky though, and they haven't said anything specifically, but the vibe is very much like I'm being a helicopter mom, taking their toy away when DC could easily fall asleep on me or MIL if really tired. DC now needs darkness and white noise to sleep though so wouldn't be rested and I'd be left to deal with the fallout later. DP was an easy baby who slept anywhere apparently so MIL thinks all babies are as such.

They always go to my DP to ask if they can come round, and although he isn't the greatest fan of frequent visits either, doesn't want confrontation so will say yes. I have told him it's too often for me but so far no change. They also both work full time so I can't pop round in the week with the baby.

If they were to come to collect DC for a nice walk in the pram in the park or half a day at their house, I'd have less issue. Bit of a break for me and DP and they get to see their grandchild. But they always want to come and see DC at my house and I feel like I have to entertain them. Keep conversation going, making tea. They've never taken DC out, in fact, although I know baby is still quite young so maybe they will when older.

On one hand I feel guilty because I know babies grow so fast and they do love DC and want to see him. It's only 2 hours out of my week. Some grandparents don't bother with their grandchildren. And I feel bad that my own mother sees DC frequently, but I feel differently about her because she's MY mom. Maybe that's wrong.

I made a half joke comment at a baby group the other day that the worst part of having a baby had been the frequency I have to see my in-laws now. I did intend it as a joke, but some of the reactions I got suggested it was mean. Prompting this AIBU.

AIBU? Is it too often or should I just suck it up? How often do your parents/in laws see your DC?

I didn't put this in the OP so you weren't to know but actually they weren't very pleased when they said we were pregnant, despite being 28 and 30 and together for 10+ years. But I take your point.

There’s no right or wrong answer. Everybody is different. My parents see my DS nearly every day because we live in the same town. My MIL rarely sees him because she lives on the other side of the country. I wished she could see him more, as does she. Grandparents are wonderful and I think it’s such a lovely relationship to have. But I don’t think you are wrong for wanting boundaries, if it isn’t working for you then you have the right to say so.

YABU.Your PIL are your partner's parents.

The disdain for in laws on MN is awful.

You'll be a MIL one day.

I'm torn for several reasons. If I lived near my grandchildren l'd love to see them every week and I'd be annoyed you happily saw your Mum every week. However, I would never expect to visit someone every week unless we had that relationship before you had a baby. Seeing someone who feels like a visitor every week is hard work. I also can't imagine not having at least asked to take the baby for a walk so you could put your feet up, I'd even bring you back cake.

I think the problem is your happy to make the effort your family sees your baby. Your husband doesn't make the same effort. I also think it's much more difficult if your in-laws and husband all work full-time.

Is baby a boy or a girl op?

I think that having it every week to a routine in your home is the problem.

I would hate that - meeting up at a baby group, dropping the baby at a cafe so you can go shopping etc, all good. I'd hate having people in my space though to a routine every week.

Can you suggest they come to a particular event outside of the home weekly?

And if you want a weekend to yourselves, get your husband to buck up and say so.

Sorry op it seems a bit mean. Just get your dh to do more housework.

And I think you need to encourage your child to sleep in different situations. Dd1 would happily sleep in the pushchair with life going on around her so we could go on longer outings (zoo, national trust properties) but dd2 could only nap in her cot in a darkened room and it did reduce our ability to leave the house.

You seem to be looking for any drip feed possible to make them seem awful.

they are making an effort now. They want a relationship and you are trying to make it so only your family have a relationship with their grandchild

Does the husband think the same? I hope when my DS has babies I’m not barred from seeing them.

Aibu To think once per week is too often for relatives to see baby

Your mother sees the baby once or twice a week! You said yourself.

So some relatives?

Get dh to take baby round there every Sunday morning.

This is so true and makes me worry about having a dil. Even at work, I hear the women moaning about their mil never the fil and it does tend to be minor indiscretions.

I agree with a PP that if you want them to take the baby for a walk you need to ask them. I think a lot of new mums wouldn't want that, so grandparents will likely not want to overstep by asking. They will probably be delighted if you ask them to.

I agree with you OP. My in laws were like this, annoying. X

You seem to be looking for any drip feed possible to make them seem awful.

This. You are not getting the answers you expected or wanted so now you're making them look worse. Which makes you look even meaner.

So you are laying the ground work that your baby will know your mum really well and be close but his other gran will be kept at arms length and not really bothered about.

Nice.

Would you be ok with that happening to you in 30 years time??

Yabu.

Not really, I don't necessarily dislike my in-laws. My partner doesn't get on that well with them though. I don't love them the same way I love my mom obviously. But then I'm thinking of myself and not my baby.

My mom is disabled so can't come to me which is why I go to her. I'd be more than happy to go over to my MILs house during the week, but she works full time so I can't.

You’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of problems if you go down this road at this stage. As others have said, stop focusing on cleaning and entertaining and try to get into a headspace of “take us as you find us”. These people are your child’s grandparents, and unless there’s a backstory of them being terrible people, they could be your child’s best allies in life, or at least a very special relationship. Don’t block it

Seems the others at baby group have got your measure too.

I guess the only thing that will save your inlaws relationship with your baby is if they babysit at the drop of a hat whenever suits you...you'll be all over them then..

yabu, seems like your mil can’t win , she can only see baby at weekend if working full time

For balance, my FIL is a total prick, and is my main worry about having my baby. MIL is lovely, but I don't feel like she'll come by herself that often.

He is not someone I'd want to socialise with on a weekly basis (never sounds like too often tbh) - but then nobody is. Not my parents, his parents, my friends.

I think this is too much, I would not put up with it. Weekends are for relaxing and catching up on housework, spend time with partner.

We used to have a relative who wanted to come one evening every week, staying late, they had a brew and just sat in the chair not really saying anything, sometimes falling asleep!. I have to get up for work at 5am and was so tired, I just wanted to relax in the evening with DH.

Thankfully Covid put a stop to it😂

The trouble with visits like this is that it can easily become routine. So next time, suggest you meet at the park for a walk or at a cafe instead. Go for brunch somewhere. Or go to theirs and say you need to get out the house. Let them entertain you.

They clearly are interested in their grandchild, so foster that but just do it more on your terms. There is always common ground.

They're not awful at all.

MIL didn't like me for the first few years of our relationship but we get on fine. I get on better with them than DP which may be part of the problem. I'm making the effort for my family but he doesn't want to make the same effort with his, so I'm resenting doing both I suppose. Maybe it's misdirected annoyance.

i couldn’t spend a day a week with my in laws. When are you supposed to see your friends or do things alone?