To think once per week is too often for relatives to see baby

[littlebean95]

I'm a FTM to a 4.5 month old DC.

Since DC was born, my in-laws have asked to come round our house every single weekend to see DC, usually a Sunday, and for no more than 2 hours.

My own parents are separated. My dad works full time, so has seen DC less, probably 5 or 6 times since birth. My mom does not work so I go to her house once a week during the week to visit, occasionally twice if I need to stop in to change nappies or feed if I'm out and about, only 45 mins or so.

If I'm completely honest I'm getting sick of making sure my house is tidy for in-laws to visit every weekend. I know it isn't expected with a relatively young baby, but I can't let people in my house without having a decent clean. It also impedes on the time we get to spend as our own family, as my DP works fairly long hours in the week, so we only get an hour or so after he comes back. I want weekends to be for us.

They also seem to visit when DC needs a nap, despite me being specific as to when they should come. I have just started taking DC off up to bed when getting cranky though, and they haven't said anything specifically, but the vibe is very much like I'm being a helicopter mom, taking their toy away when DC could easily fall asleep on me or MIL if really tired. DC now needs darkness and white noise to sleep though so wouldn't be rested and I'd be left to deal with the fallout later. DP was an easy baby who slept anywhere apparently so MIL thinks all babies are as such.

They always go to my DP to ask if they can come round, and although he isn't the greatest fan of frequent visits either, doesn't want confrontation so will say yes. I have told him it's too often for me but so far no change. They also both work full time so I can't pop round in the week with the baby.

If they were to come to collect DC for a nice walk in the pram in the park or half a day at their house, I'd have less issue. Bit of a break for me and DP and they get to see their grandchild. But they always want to come and see DC at my house and I feel like I have to entertain them. Keep conversation going, making tea. They've never taken DC out, in fact, although I know baby is still quite young so maybe they will when older.

On one hand I feel guilty because I know babies grow so fast and they do love DC and want to see him. It's only 2 hours out of my week. Some grandparents don't bother with their grandchildren. And I feel bad that my own mother sees DC frequently, but I feel differently about her because she's MY mom. Maybe that's wrong.

I made a half joke comment at a baby group the other day that the worst part of having a baby had been the frequency I have to see my in-laws now. I did intend it as a joke, but some of the reactions I got suggested it was mean. Prompting this AIBU.

AIBU? Is it too often or should I just suck it up? How often do your parents/in laws see your DC?

I think under normal circumstances, a couple of hours once a week is fine. I certainly saw mine more than that, but we would be invited to their home for lunch or tea, so it wasn't on us to entertain. MIL and her sister would take the babies for walks around the park etc, everything was very considered around me and the baby. It sounds in your case as though you being made to feel like just the person who delivered the baby, and aren't feeling listened to or considered? Your dh needs to step up a more and certainly help with cleaning and tidying, and taking baby to his mums more often. I kind of feel a bit sorry for both you and your mil.

they do love DC and want to see him

A boy then.

Eitherway op, let your sons dad take him to visit his grandparents just like you go to your mums. Then you won’t have to have them in your house, or clean. But that probably won’t happen as you don’t seem interested in that option.

They're making an effort. He isn't. You don't want to. So go out when they come over and leave him to it. I'm sure soon enough they'll take the hint and stop seeing you and then neither of you will have to deal with them.

I think you’re being a bit unfair. They sound like they’re being respectful with their visits. I’m sure you’ll need their help and support more in the future.

Why don’t you take a bit more control? You and/or your DH visit them on a Saturday so you can spend Sunday together as a family? Suggest they take baby for a walk? Perhaps they assume you wouldn’t be comfortable with it so haven’t asked. Ask your DH to do the cleaning or make the teas for his parents.

Think about what's best for your baby. They'll grow up and remember those Sunday afternoon visits fondly. Little routines like that are really important to children, it makes them feel secure and build close family connections.

I visit my family every Sunday and yes there's been times I couldn't be bothered or haven't gone because I've been hungover but a couple of family members have died in the last few years and I can't tell you how glad I am that I made the effort to go and spend time with them regularly.

I echo this.

Your child is so lucky to have grandparents who have so much love for them and want to spend time with them.

You need to acknowledge that you are putting pressure on yourself to clean and entertain them - this isn’t them. You can just as easily go to their house at a time that suits you and your baby which also allows you to leave when it suits you. As PP above said, there is nothing stopping you suggesting they take baby for a walk in pushchair too - I imagine they would jump at the chance if they’re fit and mobile.

Treat them how you would hope your future DIL will treat you when your first grandchild is born

It’s two hours a week. That seems reasonable to me. And seriously how much “family time” can you have with a four month old baby?

I take my DD to see MIL once a week and we stay for around 2.5 hours. I'm pregnant at the moment so if I'm feeling a bit rough she'll come to me and shock horror stays over night. But I get on great with her and enjoy her company, never feel like the house has to be spotless much like I am with my own mum. PIL are separated so FIL takes DD out for a walk once a week and then stays for dinner.

My own parents we usually see at least twice a week, we'll usually go out somewhere with DD and then a big family dinner on a Sunday. I'm a SAHM so we have more free time to see family and I have a good relationship with them.

I do understand that it wouldn't be much fun if you felt you had to entertain PIL for a few hours every week and you don't feel very comfortable around them but I think its normal to want to their grandchild too. Maybe start popping into them on a Sunday instead and stay for less time?

I'd be more than happy to go over to my MILs house during the week, but she works full time so I can't. Which says it all really. The only time they are free to see DGC is at the weekend. You are being mean.

To be honest, it sounds like you either have a problem with your in laws or you just want to decide when you see people and they have to fall in with you and your timetable.

My in laws and parents saw my dc at least once a week sometimes more when I was a SAHM. I visited them and they visited me.

I'm glad I put that effort in as I now work, have multiple kids who have clubs, school events etc and I have other commitments too. The help I get from both sets of parents is invaluable and my kids have such great relationships with them.

Ultimately do what you want but there may be future consequences that you never think of when you're in the first couple of years of motherhood.

It's lovely that they want to visit.
Just change it a bit.
Be ready to walk out around the block.
Have DH share a walk to the park with them.
Do gardening together.
Ask MIL to mind bub while you nip to coffee shop.
You are in control of the visit.
Vary the times.
Ask them to bring a meal.
All go outfor arvo tea.
Make the visit shorter sometimes. etc.

I can't force him to go, can I?
Before baby they had next to no relationship. I should have put it in the OP.

Your post says once a week for grandparents to see your baby is too often.

That's about it isn't it. You don't see them as important.

So ok to see your own mum twice a week but once is too much fit in-laws. Could be you one day not wanted to be involved and only the mothers parents.

Have you had that conversation with him? Explained to him that he is a parent and sometimes needs to put his child first. His child having a relationship with their grandparents is important, and he needs to facilitate that by going over to visit and giving you a break from doing all the family stuff.

He is your partner. Surely you can have that conversation and he will do this for you and his child? If he won’t then you picked the wrong guy.

YANBU

I think the people at your mother and baby group are mean for making you feel mean. Loads of people have problems with in laws.

So, is there a good reason your husband had a poor relationship with his parents @littlebean95. Because if they were crap parents they don't get to try again with your baby. MN is full of women who have decided their husband's abusive parents deserve a relationship with their children and who have lived to regret it.

Can you meet them anywhere? Say as baby is getting bigger and it's summer you want to get out and about more at weekends.

Would you like to meet at a play park with a coffee shop, beach, country park wherever.

You could leave baby with them for half an hour and enjoy a wander or coffee on your own for half an hour.
Or start going to them because you 'want' to do something in that area. Then you have control over the time a bit better.

I'd have no accounts objection to visiting but would hate to be stuck in every Sunday.

tell dh to let them know an arrangement that is preferable such as he takes dc to their house or that they take dc out for walk. He needs to manage this situation not you. Yab a bit u because you see your mum twice a week so they should get same sort of chance to dc but I get how you feel and am glad my mil is not near. I’ve learnt to get my dh to manage his mum so I don’t look like the bad guy on the rare occasion I say no. I wish I had learnt this when they were babies as it’s so stressful.

That does seem quite mean. Why not plan some fun activities then? Meet somewhere for a walk, go to a National Trust place, go to a museum or gallery, go for lunch out. Of course they want to see you both and the baby but I don't know why you're worrying about hosting them. It's not their fault you've enabled only sleeping in the dark.

It's not really my place to discuss their relationship in detail tbh but while they weren't abusive I think they were quite controlling towards DP when he was growing up. Neither he nor his brother have good relationships with their parents. They just seem distant. So I'm working overtime to keep the conversation going when they do come over because he doesn't really want to. They're civil but they don't hug or kiss or say I love you or anything like that. I know some people don't though.

I absolutely could not see my in-laws (or my own mum) once a week, I’d go mad! Luckily my in-laws live 200miles away so we don’t see them very often. My mum is closer but I don’t enjoy seeing her so we see her about once every 2 months. At the end of the day if you’re not happy you need to speak to your husband. Stop tidying, stop making small talk if it doesn’t make you happy. They’re his parents and if he’s interested in facilitating a relationship between them and his child then he should be the one making the effort.

To be honest @littlebean95 lots of people would describe that as abusive. Would you want them to have that same controlling relationship with your child?

And I feel bad that my own mother sees DC frequently, but I feel differently about her because she's MY mom. Maybe that's wrong.
Yes, it is wrong. However, I think it is up to your husband to manage the relationship between his child and his parents.

OP I do understand, my ILs turned up every Saturday afternoon and sat there waiting to hold the baby. Not once did they bring a meal or groceries or even go into the kitchen with their dirty cups. I was home alone 10 hrs a day with a very difficult unsettled baby and made no secret of the fact that i was struggling. My own mum died the previous year and i felt their visits used up so much time and energy. I asked them to call over during the week (secretly hoping they would hold the baby and allow me have a shower or do laundry) but no, they only wanted to be there with DH. They had little interest in me and I started to really resent it. I eventually said it was up to DH to tidy and organise and I started to pop out and get coffee somewhere during the visits. I would leave 5 mins before they arrived and come back feeling much happier and able to have the polite chats. Or I'd stay out til they were gone depending on feeding schedule. Maybe this would work for you too?

As baby got older DH would take him to ILs on alternate weeks. When I went back to work they offered to take DS once a week. They really bonded with him and to this day they adore him, they are happy to babysit and have been really supportive. From an entirely selfish point of view, it paid off for me.