To think once per week is too often for relatives to see baby

[littlebean95]

I'm a FTM to a 4.5 month old DC.

Since DC was born, my in-laws have asked to come round our house every single weekend to see DC, usually a Sunday, and for no more than 2 hours.

My own parents are separated. My dad works full time, so has seen DC less, probably 5 or 6 times since birth. My mom does not work so I go to her house once a week during the week to visit, occasionally twice if I need to stop in to change nappies or feed if I'm out and about, only 45 mins or so.

If I'm completely honest I'm getting sick of making sure my house is tidy for in-laws to visit every weekend. I know it isn't expected with a relatively young baby, but I can't let people in my house without having a decent clean. It also impedes on the time we get to spend as our own family, as my DP works fairly long hours in the week, so we only get an hour or so after he comes back. I want weekends to be for us.

They also seem to visit when DC needs a nap, despite me being specific as to when they should come. I have just started taking DC off up to bed when getting cranky though, and they haven't said anything specifically, but the vibe is very much like I'm being a helicopter mom, taking their toy away when DC could easily fall asleep on me or MIL if really tired. DC now needs darkness and white noise to sleep though so wouldn't be rested and I'd be left to deal with the fallout later. DP was an easy baby who slept anywhere apparently so MIL thinks all babies are as such.

They always go to my DP to ask if they can come round, and although he isn't the greatest fan of frequent visits either, doesn't want confrontation so will say yes. I have told him it's too often for me but so far no change. They also both work full time so I can't pop round in the week with the baby.

If they were to come to collect DC for a nice walk in the pram in the park or half a day at their house, I'd have less issue. Bit of a break for me and DP and they get to see their grandchild. But they always want to come and see DC at my house and I feel like I have to entertain them. Keep conversation going, making tea. They've never taken DC out, in fact, although I know baby is still quite young so maybe they will when older.

On one hand I feel guilty because I know babies grow so fast and they do love DC and want to see him. It's only 2 hours out of my week. Some grandparents don't bother with their grandchildren. And I feel bad that my own mother sees DC frequently, but I feel differently about her because she's MY mom. Maybe that's wrong.

I made a half joke comment at a baby group the other day that the worst part of having a baby had been the frequency I have to see my in-laws now. I did intend it as a joke, but some of the reactions I got suggested it was mean. Prompting this AIBU.

AIBU? Is it too often or should I just suck it up? How often do your parents/in laws see your DC?

They want to visit when it's convenient for them, not when it's convenient for you.

YANBU. I wouldn't want visitors in my house ever Sunday. What a pain.

I'd stop caring what they thought of me and stop being so visitor-friendly. Stop cleaning the house, stay in your pyjamas, say "there's tea/coffee in the kitchen if anyone wants a cup" and dump the baby on them to go have a bath when they arrive. Just do what you would have done had they not been there and hopefully they'll get the message.

You probably need to read what she has posted rather than just the OP

I get the impression that the OP doesn't object to them seeing the baby, but finds it hard to entertain them for a couple of hours each week? So as a previous poster suggested, if her DP took the baby over them, rather than have them visit, this could solve the problem?

"They haven't offered to take the baby out or look after it alone."

But have the asked them to? There are other threads where it would be thought very unreasonable for grandparents to offer to do this.

OP I completely understand your point about weekends. That is the only decent time you have as a family and you want to keep that free.

also I dont think you are being unfair as you see your mum a lot each week. You’re on maternity leave so you have lots of free time during the week and your mum is also free. It makes sense. You have also said you would see your ILs if they were free in the week.

• I would try to see them every other weekend
• if they turn up weekly then I would go out on my own. Enjoy the couple of hours on your own. Leave the baby with your partner. If he doesn’t like seeing them, I bet he will soon stop the visits if he has to do the hosting
• try to see them for breakfast instead
• or do one evening in the week

i would stop the 7pm bedtime. It’s far too early for a baby. Older children do this as they have to get up for nursery or school. Your baby could sleep longer in the morning as you’re on maternity leave.

Why on earth would she need to make sure time is equal between both sets of grandparents to the detriment of her own mother? That's so unrealistic that it's laughable.

My parents live in a different country and only see us once a year. Should I limit my local in-laws to one visit a year, to make it equal?

Maybe his parents should move closer if they want more convenient access to their grandchild.

Agree. If her OH thinks that time between the grandparents is unequal, then surely that's up to him to sort out not the OP. She can have some time to herself while they take the baby to the park.

It’s quite understandable that the OP may want to see more her Mum than anyone else’s!

Maybe the father of the baby would like to see his parents once a week?

In which case he can go and visit them!

Just think though, one day your son may have a child, and you will feel heartbroken if your son's partner wants to keep you away, purely because you are 'his mum'. You don't want to feel regret that that's exactly what you did to your child's grandparents. It sounds like you need to be firm and tell them to take baby out, or come at a set time (and enforce these boundaries until they learn to respect them) but I think stopping them from seeing your DS isn't fair. I do understand as I get on with my in laws, but my MIL especially is hard work, but she adores my DS, and he adores her, and I couldn't bring myself to stop that joy in their lives.

(And yes, I treat them how I would want to be treated by a future partner of my child)

I think it would be very unreasonable to stop them spending just two hours a week with their GC.
However, if they visit in the middle of the day every Sunday I can see that would be restrictive if you wanted to do something else. The routine would also get tedious.
I'd be looking to ensure that had at least the weekly contact they want, but to mix it up a bit so you weren't all stuck in an unbreakable routine that basically closed off sundays.
So, sometimes an earlier visit on Saturday or Sunday morning so you have the rest of the day free. Or an evening after work. Or they have DC alone. Or DH hosts while you go out. Or DH takes DC there. Or you meet for Sunday lunch, there's so many options. Just introduce some variety.

I could have written this post. YANBU!!

My DS is 2 but when he was 6 weeks old MIL moved 2 hours away. Following the move, her plan was to come over every Tuesday in the morning, stay all day, and then go and stay with a friend overnight, and come back the next day and stay til the evening, EVERY WEEK. I put up with it for a couple of weeks, people pleasing and guilt ridden about her needing to spend time with her grandson. But, like you, she needed entertained, tea made, i felt the need to clean the house and make myself presentable, when honestly I didn’t have the energy with a young baby. After a couple of weeks I told her I was starting to take baby to groups and it wasn’t convenient for her to come anymore. She huffed but eventually came around. She comes every couple of weeks now at the weekend when my DP is around too. Like your DP, my DP doesn’t have a great relationship with his family and I was getting resentful and annoyed at having to be the main person for maintaining relationships with both his side and my side, stopped that too. It’s my DP’s responsibility to maintain contact with his family. One thing of the mental load!

Anyway, I understand how you are feeling. All these people saying that it’s unfair that you want to spend time with your own mum and not your DP’s, of course! She’s YOUR mum, you can be completely yourself. Honestly, delegate the arrangements and contact to your DP with his family and cut it down if weekly feels too much. Don’t feel bad, this is your time with your little family and it goes
fast!

Good luck with that my Mil wanted everything on her terms and never showed up on time, when she wanted to arrive, it was ridiculous!

My ILs came round every day until DC was 3 months.

Its now 3x a week minimum …

I wish we were only once a week!

You are not being unreasonable and you are not stopping them having a relationship. Family dynamics are all different and for some once a week is great but I’m with you OP I wouldn’t want that. My mum used to do want to do the once a week thing and it just created tension and pressure for me. would once a fortnight work?

And as her husband isn't bothered by a relationship with his parents then why must the OP bend over backwards for them?

You need to grow a thicker skin and 1) forcefully state what times exactly they are welcome and change those times weekly so 12 on a Sunday is not set in stone if not convenient and 2) let DH facilitate the visits. He can clean, make tea and make conversation. If it's awkward and silent and the house is a tip, so be it. Turn on the TV and watch whatever you want, do whatever the fuck you want while DH entertains them.

There is only so much strangers can advise you. You 've had a baby, you are definitely grown up enough to set boundaries in your own home!! And really, it's on you to stand up for yourself.

Weekly Sunday 12pm visits from in laws would be my idea of hell.

Well I think you need to change the times of their visit on a Sunday - the current time is going to be frustrating as time goes on and small person gets older but there's lots of ways you can do that. You could also go to their house rather than them always coming to you.

But having said all this, my PIL could not be less interested in their grandchildren and actually even their own children too. If we didn't go and see them my kids wouldn't even know they had a second set of grandparents and my DH wouldn't see his parents and that is really sad for my children and my DH too. Sometimes they don't even bother with Christmas or birthday presents so now I make pointed (reasonable) suggestions every year. So whilst yes your current arrangements are not what you would prefer, try to be a little grateful that they are actually interested in your DC and that your DC will have a relationship with them as he grows rather than them being basically strangers he sees occasionally.

It's probably best that they come when DH is there instead of when he's at work - he can entertain them and you are free to carry on doing your thing. staying in with ILs (or parents) can drive you nuts. Solution was to take them out elsewhere. Even just a walk around the block sometimes.

1 - insist that they come at a time that suits you and not when they say so (unless they are elderly and need to sleep in the afternoon or have some other good reason for dictating times)
2 - don't be so harsh on yourself re cleaning/tidying.
3 - start to think about whether you can meet them elsewhere as baby gets older. That way they will have to stick to your pre-agreed times and you also get out of the house.
4 - hold your ground about baby napping at the correct time. It's definitely worth it.
5 - if you have plans one Sunday then say so.
6 - don't be afraid to pre agree that they will take baby for a walk in the park either with you or without you.

YANBU - weekends are precious in such a busy world and you deserve time with your family too. Not should you feel guilty about visiting your disabled mother or indeed loving your mother more than your in laws. Quite ridiculous for people to suggest any of those things are mean. That said so many families struggle alone and you potentially have grandparents that want to be involved. Perhaps have an every other weekend arrangement. Or ask MIL if she can book time off work occasionally for a weekday visit / day out. Or could DH take the baby to them some Sundays, it will give you a much needed break.

*Nor

This.
Just pop baby into their arms, say sorry I’m really behind with the chores can you keep an eye on baby. Then use the time to catch up with your jobs.

This is a very outing post, are you my SIL?