To think once per week is too often for relatives to see baby

[littlebean95]

I'm a FTM to a 4.5 month old DC.

Since DC was born, my in-laws have asked to come round our house every single weekend to see DC, usually a Sunday, and for no more than 2 hours.

My own parents are separated. My dad works full time, so has seen DC less, probably 5 or 6 times since birth. My mom does not work so I go to her house once a week during the week to visit, occasionally twice if I need to stop in to change nappies or feed if I'm out and about, only 45 mins or so.

If I'm completely honest I'm getting sick of making sure my house is tidy for in-laws to visit every weekend. I know it isn't expected with a relatively young baby, but I can't let people in my house without having a decent clean. It also impedes on the time we get to spend as our own family, as my DP works fairly long hours in the week, so we only get an hour or so after he comes back. I want weekends to be for us.

They also seem to visit when DC needs a nap, despite me being specific as to when they should come. I have just started taking DC off up to bed when getting cranky though, and they haven't said anything specifically, but the vibe is very much like I'm being a helicopter mom, taking their toy away when DC could easily fall asleep on me or MIL if really tired. DC now needs darkness and white noise to sleep though so wouldn't be rested and I'd be left to deal with the fallout later. DP was an easy baby who slept anywhere apparently so MIL thinks all babies are as such.

They always go to my DP to ask if they can come round, and although he isn't the greatest fan of frequent visits either, doesn't want confrontation so will say yes. I have told him it's too often for me but so far no change. They also both work full time so I can't pop round in the week with the baby.

If they were to come to collect DC for a nice walk in the pram in the park or half a day at their house, I'd have less issue. Bit of a break for me and DP and they get to see their grandchild. But they always want to come and see DC at my house and I feel like I have to entertain them. Keep conversation going, making tea. They've never taken DC out, in fact, although I know baby is still quite young so maybe they will when older.

On one hand I feel guilty because I know babies grow so fast and they do love DC and want to see him. It's only 2 hours out of my week. Some grandparents don't bother with their grandchildren. And I feel bad that my own mother sees DC frequently, but I feel differently about her because she's MY mom. Maybe that's wrong.

I made a half joke comment at a baby group the other day that the worst part of having a baby had been the frequency I have to see my in-laws now. I did intend it as a joke, but some of the reactions I got suggested it was mean. Prompting this AIBU.

AIBU? Is it too often or should I just suck it up? How often do your parents/in laws see your DC?

Yeah I’d add I definitely would recommend getting your LO stuck on all naps in dark room, get them used to napping in buggy / car too much easier

I totally understand - my in-laws are super fussy and very judgemental when it comes to cleaning and it would drive me totally down the bend if they came every Sunday.

The solution is simple. Next time they ask to come invite yourself round to theres at a time convenient for you. Say it's nice for the baby to get out. That way you don't need to worry about cleaning and can control when and how long you stay for.

It is not the same having your own mother round and your in-laws round. I have in-laws visiting soon and it's already stressing me out. Doesn't mean I don't want them to come, it's just stressful.

I would not offer to take such a young baby out in the pram but if you want this then ask them, that way you’re getting something out of it.

I’d also ask DH to help do a decent clean the day before and then whatever state it’s in when they come will have to do.

They probably think they’re doing you a favour by coming to yours but you could just ask to come to theirs instead to get out of the house and then you don’t need to worry about cleaning.

And a final thought. My (lovely) in-laws are deceased and never got to meet our LO and my own parents aren’t interested and have literally met my 16 month old 3 times. I’d love to have family keen to visit regularly. They could be super helpful and supportive count yourself lucky

So why do you feel you have to clean and entertain them?

Why on earth should Ops MIL come round and clean her house?

This feels like the baby has landed in the middle of a lot of family politics (and many do, let's be honest), and my situation was very similar to yours, except reversed. My MIL couldn't be helpful enough whereas my own mum wasn't/isn't bothered.

Maybe re-frame it to think about your DC developing their own relationship with their GP (unless you have concerns about GP behaviour/care of course), and then as these visits seem uncomfortable for everyone, see if you can adjust them - can the GP come at tea time or even breakfast in the week to see the DC - or could you go to them for tea, and ask the GP to take the baby out for a walk in the pushchair on a Saturday morning?

I know exactly what you mean about weekends being precious, it was the only time the three of us (mum, dad and baby) were together for any length of time, and for a long time I didn't want to share that on a regular basis with anyone.

I do agree with PP that it's down to your DH to arrange things with his parents, but the reality is this often becomes the responsibility of the child's mum - I know that's not great, and I don't facilitate nearly as much as I used to...but as I said unless there are safety concerns, the arrival of a baby can really help mend divisions/re-set relationships within the family. But only if you want that to be the case.

The fact that it's you stressing about this suggests that you will be the one to most benefit from sorting it out...and if you offer something different and it falls on deaf ears then at least you'll know you tried.

OP you're not unreasonable, it sounds like visits aren't that enjoyable and your husband doesn't want them there either.
However if they are generally ok people I would keep the contact. This stage is short - once your child is about 12-18 months they will have their own relationship with grandparents and you have to be much less involved. Having people around to help with toddler could also be really useful if you have another child.
I would take control a bit more, tell them not to come at naptime, take the opportunity to do some jobs or (maybe when the baby is a bit older) go out while they are there to watch the baby, visit them instead sometimes, decline the visits sometimes. If you are in control you will feel less resentful even if the frequency is the same. Have a serious word with husband - he needs to put you first and stop giving in to his parents for an easy life, especially as he doesn't even want to see them

Re organising visits, can you make a group whatsapp so you know what's planned (but DP still does the organising?) This can also be good for sharing photos and stories, keeping in touch with ILs in light hearted way.

On naps - it helps to understand how the approach to this has changed, broadly speaking babies in 40s/50s/60s were raised with a routine approach, set times for feeds and naps and all a bit regimented. That went out the window in 70s/80s/90sish and the approach was much more free flowing and casual (everything about parenting really - kids riding in boots of car, sitting outside pubs unsupervised, no stairgates etc). Then loads of 'experts' wrote books about how sleep is better with set routines and we all went in that direction again.

So depending on their age, it's likely ILs were brought up with routines and rules, but took a more casual approach when raising your DP and are now amused by how seriously you take naps now because it seems old fashioned and unnecessary to them.

I had this realisation as my DM has TONS of photos of me and siblings as children falling asleep in random places - on highchairs, in boxes, in the middle of the floor, hiding in cupboards etc. They're kind of amusing but also evidence that we just ran until we flopped! If babies don't have a set nap time you might get problems, but they might also just get used to nodding off in a corner or one someone's lap. They won't stay awake forever.

I’m sure when you become a MIL you will be delighted to only have limited contact with a probably much loved and longed for grandchild
Exactly.
Once a week doesn't seem much.
Why don't you say ' hey fancy making the brews?' It foesnt have to be you all the time let them sit with baby while you have a rest. Make it work for you.its what families are for!

Forgot to add that on two occasions I've put my foot down and said no they can't come, once early on when I was still bleeding and just having a really shit time, and another time when DC had a bad cold. Both times have been met with a bit of resistance, which makes me even less eager to see them, to be honest
Again you should have made this work for you. You were having a shit time so they could have eased the load. You could have said you were feeling terrible and could they sit with the baby for a couple of hours while you sleep. My mil used to come round with her knitting and joking tell me to ' bugger off and get some rest' snd watch TV.

I had a similar problem with MIL when I had a baby and it all boiled down to DH not having a relationship with his own mother so it all fell on me. Your DH should be taking the baby to visit them so you can have a break. If he refuses to do this for you he's a massive dick.

Are you staying upstairs with your baby when napping?

I don't think you are being mean at all. Once a week every week is a very rigid routine to get into. All these mils on here bleating about poor relationships with GC - you can build a relationship under better circumstances than foisting yourself on someone every single week. OP - for your own sanity, start managing this better.

I didn't mention dropping naps.

I mentioned 1 of the (probably 3-4) naps in the day being done differently. Not on a bouncy castle or a metal concert, but in the pram, or sling, or car, or without it being in the pitch darkness.

If those are the only conditions baby will sleep in, then she can't easily go round in laws or period houses without blackout blinds. Everything in life has to be planned to be back in the house several times a day.

Safe sleep guidelines say that naps until 6m should be with adults around anyway, and I'm assuming the OP isn't sitting for hours every day in a pitch black room with white noise.

What's that got to do with OP's question?

Wrong thread?

Take it in turns to visit them (with your husband) so you don't feel the need to tidy the house at least, plus have more control over what time is convenient to arrive and leave.

It’s ok for your mum to see the baby regularly but not his parents?

Go to their house in the week like you do with your mum, or get your partner to take the baby to their house if you can’t keep up with housework enough for people to visit your home .. which is worrying with a growing baby in itself.

I would think once a week is fine, you said taking the baby out would be more helpful but many mils get slated on here for wanting to do just that! Remember you are in this for the long haul. Right now the baby doesn't care that they visit, but they will want a loving gran and grandpa in their lives as they grow up.
(I would not personally put a 4.5 month old to sleep in a room alone, which it sounds like you are doing, due to SIDS guidelines, but you must have your reasons).

It doesn't seem to be about how often they see the baby but how often they visit your home. Why can you not make other plans that mean they can't come round? Or say "it doesn't work for us for you to come here this week, but we can come to yours"?

In the early days I saw my mum every day and my mother in law would visit every Sunday until she died a year ago. My kids are teens now and adults but my mum sees them at least once a week still, sometimes misses a week if the kids are busy.

My MIL adores my son, she's seen him almost every week since he was born. She lives almost an hours drive from us so we visit her every second weekend and we normally stay the night those weeks (I don't always go but my husband will go alone with our son those weekends) and she visits us for a couple hours on the alternate weeks. Yep I have to make the effort to clean before she comes but it's good to have the motivation to be honest. I'm thankful that he has such a close relationship with his grandmother, he's her 19th grandchild so I wasn't sure if he would be such a big deal to her but she's obsessed.

My own parents live a 10 minute walk from us and they see him at least 5 days a week.

I don't think once a week is too much myself, I think you need regular visits to build a close relationship with very young children. I do understand that it's hard at that age because naps are so frequent but it'll be easier in a couple months when baby is dropping to 2 naps.

OP, you are not being unreasonable. The current schedule isn't working for you as you are so busy accommodating others. I couldn't be doing with having to clean and host every single weekend.

I think you are right to change it up and ask if they would like to take baby for a walk, or drop baby off for a couple of hours whilst you go for brunch.

If dp won’t take dc to them occasionally, I’d be really annoyed.

You need to make this play to your advantage. Don’t worry about upsetting them. I’d you do then you’ll have to see them less. Win win. Having said that I wouldn’t deliberately upset them but I would put in place boundaries.

If they continue coming when you say dc naps, then just carry on taking him up to nap. Be blunt in saying that you told then that it isn’t a good time to come.

Don’t clean up beforehand. Say “oh thank goodness you are here to entertain dc. I can’t stand living in this mess and I just haven’t had time to clean. I’ll be able to do it now while you entertain him” Shows you have high standards but you can withdraw.

Sometimes say “I had a few bad nights with dc. I’m so glad you are here so I can go up and have a nap or you can take him out if you like. So many thanks”

You can handle this so many ways to work to your advantage.

My in-laws were/are like this. If you’re able to pump, I would use this slot to take a break (hairdressers, friends, cafe, shopping etc.). Leave the baby with DP and go out. I make a point of asking my husband when they are coming over so I can make myself scarce/plan some me time!

When they come over who does all the heavy lifting? Does your DP tidy up, make the tea and fetch the biscuits or do you have to do all that too? Why not get your DP to take them out for a walk with the baby - maybe to the park or a trip to a cafe? I don’t think 2 hours is excessive and it’s nice that they want to be involved - it’s great for your child and a trusted valuable resource in the future, but do switch it up - go and visit them, meet in a local town for a coffee, meet on a Saturday morning and then you have the rest of the weekend free. Take them to the baby class. They want to be involved and sitting on a Sunday afternoon gawping at each other probably isn’t the most fun for anyone.