To think once per week is too often for relatives to see baby

[littlebean95]

I'm a FTM to a 4.5 month old DC.

Since DC was born, my in-laws have asked to come round our house every single weekend to see DC, usually a Sunday, and for no more than 2 hours.

My own parents are separated. My dad works full time, so has seen DC less, probably 5 or 6 times since birth. My mom does not work so I go to her house once a week during the week to visit, occasionally twice if I need to stop in to change nappies or feed if I'm out and about, only 45 mins or so.

If I'm completely honest I'm getting sick of making sure my house is tidy for in-laws to visit every weekend. I know it isn't expected with a relatively young baby, but I can't let people in my house without having a decent clean. It also impedes on the time we get to spend as our own family, as my DP works fairly long hours in the week, so we only get an hour or so after he comes back. I want weekends to be for us.

They also seem to visit when DC needs a nap, despite me being specific as to when they should come. I have just started taking DC off up to bed when getting cranky though, and they haven't said anything specifically, but the vibe is very much like I'm being a helicopter mom, taking their toy away when DC could easily fall asleep on me or MIL if really tired. DC now needs darkness and white noise to sleep though so wouldn't be rested and I'd be left to deal with the fallout later. DP was an easy baby who slept anywhere apparently so MIL thinks all babies are as such.

They always go to my DP to ask if they can come round, and although he isn't the greatest fan of frequent visits either, doesn't want confrontation so will say yes. I have told him it's too often for me but so far no change. They also both work full time so I can't pop round in the week with the baby.

If they were to come to collect DC for a nice walk in the pram in the park or half a day at their house, I'd have less issue. Bit of a break for me and DP and they get to see their grandchild. But they always want to come and see DC at my house and I feel like I have to entertain them. Keep conversation going, making tea. They've never taken DC out, in fact, although I know baby is still quite young so maybe they will when older.

On one hand I feel guilty because I know babies grow so fast and they do love DC and want to see him. It's only 2 hours out of my week. Some grandparents don't bother with their grandchildren. And I feel bad that my own mother sees DC frequently, but I feel differently about her because she's MY mom. Maybe that's wrong.

I made a half joke comment at a baby group the other day that the worst part of having a baby had been the frequency I have to see my in-laws now. I did intend it as a joke, but some of the reactions I got suggested it was mean. Prompting this AIBU.

AIBU? Is it too often or should I just suck it up? How often do your parents/in laws see your DC?

After reading all of your posts my post wasn’t fair.

Leave this up to your partner to deal with.

Grandma here. I think one day every weekend is quite an ask, actually. People have lives, with various people in it. For example, it could put out your Sunday if you fancy making plans. I'd move to a more flexible arrangement where instead you drop in on them sometimes, and vice versa. Drop in one evening or after a day trip occasionally, too, instead of a Sunday. Also, don't tidy up and definitely don't feel you have to wake your baby.

That's what I would do if I felt a bit restricted by then, anyway. You also don't want a situation arising where it becomes so habitual that they don't like it if you are not available, and make it known.

(I have a decent relationship with my own now elderly MiL, by the way).

She’s not busy accommodating others at all. Nobody except her cares about the state of her house nor is she obliged to make small talk, they’re going to see their grandchild and it’s no more than two hours once a week, according to the OP. She isn’t having to clean or host - whatever hosting means, it’s making a drink and getting the biscuits out in this house.

To be clear, I don't intend to ask my MIL or anyone else to clean.

But I do find it a bit grating that plenty of people, MIL included, say "ooh, I want to help out", by which they mean "I want to hold the baby whilst you do chores, which I wanted to do anyway, regardless of whether it's helpful to you".

I've happily painted houses, cooked, etc, because I actually give a shit about my friends and family, not just cooing over the baby. I'd hate to see a friend worn ragged and exhausted when I can do ten minutes of chores to get them back on track.

One day, you'll be the MIL. Remember that.

I would just tell DH no more home visits and say you're keen to get out and about more so can they meet you out and about. You can get blackout covers for buggies/prams (I have one but forget what it's called) and could put a white noise machine on/phone playing white noise in the buggy. My DD has always been a tricky sleeper but we found this worked, especially if you have a pram with bassinette or a buggy that can be adjusted to lie flat. Perhaps worth a try? And then do this e.g. once a month so you're not having to entertain. If DH doesn't want them there either then hopefully he will agree to a plan that reduces visits.

I am usually in the camp of pushing back against overbearing/interfering entitled in-laws but they do actually sound very reasonable and 2 hours a week really isn't a lot.

You need to bear in mind that one day you will need involved loving grandparents to step in when necessary so I would make the effort not to alienate them. I would also stop the pressure on yourself to clean the house and entertain them - they come to see their grandchild, not to inspect the house!

Your in laws were controlling with your husband and his brother when they were younger which has caused a distant relationship (understandably!).

Now you have a baby, they are suddenly interested and want to visit every week and get the hump when you've tried to push back. Could this be them trying to exert control again? You have tried to reason with them about a time to visit and they didn't like that.

I, personally, wouldn't want every Sunday to rotate around a 2 hour visit from anyone! I bet they pick an awkward time too so it's not like you can go out for the day (which you could if they came early for breakfast or in the evening).

I think you need to set some boundaries with them, you don't want them to be dictating what your little family does every Sunday as it just isn't ideal, especially with the history of controlling behaviour.

He does nap in the car and will nap in the pram after about 45 minutes of walking, but I don't see what difference it makes if I'm taking him to nap upstairs when we're in the house or if I take him out in the car. I suppose they could take him out for a walk but the second I stop walking he wakes up so it'd be a fair walk for them. I will ask them if they want to.

My point was my baby wont just go to sleep in the living room in the light. Not that he ONLY sleeps in a pitch black bedroom. Sorry if it came across like that.

I do think that's a fair point. The aim is to build family relationships which work for everyone, if possible. As ever, very many problems arise due to lack of communication.

It’s very difficult isn’t it! But please don’t be me! I wasted over 20yrs of my life worrying about their opinion & trying to please them. I was never good enough in their eyes (single mum when I met DH)

You need to give yourself a break, babies are demanding & take up a lot of your time. You can’t have everything perfect all the time. If they have a problem with any mess, then that is exactly what it is……their problem! As for baby’s sleep routine, If he’s happy, then you’re doing the right thing. You’re his mum, you know best. Never doubt yourself. My god I used to beat myself up as a young first time mum. Trust me, the more you have, the more you relax.

you’re welcome to pm me if you want to discuss more background

I wouldn't want to spend every weekend seeing the same people either.

It doesn't work for you or Dh, so push it back

I totally agree it isn't the same.
I wouldn't give a hoot if my own mother saw me naked dripping in shit. Her house isn't the tidiest either. Obviously I feel more comfortable around my own mother, I'm sure most women do!

For me, it wouldn’t so much be the frequency, as the expectation. I like to be spontaneous at weekends, so get up and pop here, pop there, out for coffee etc. so to have to wait around for visitors to come and go would be annoying. What might work better is removing the expectation that you will be at home every weekend. Maybe pop in to see them whilst you are out and about. That way no need to clean or tidy plus you get to leave when it suits you. I remember my in laws calling in on my sons 4th birthday. We were taking him swimming as his birthday treat which he was very excited about. But they just wouldn’t take the hint and leave! It sort of ruined his day..

When your DC is grown up with a new baby, how will you feel if when he's having this same conversation with numerous people about you visiting them?

This is the thing. Do NOT get into a visiting routine here OP. You will never break it.

If op is worn ragged and run down its up to her husband to step up, not his Mother!

Yes following SIDS guidance until 6mths

Yes, why can't DP clean? How do you see the future in terms of drudgery?

She is accommodating others as she is doing something she doesn't want to because others do.

The fact my in laws have an interest in DS has been a God send.

They've seen him at least once a week since he was born. This means that now he is 3 they have a really close relationship.

They're always available to watch him at short notice if e.g. I have a hospital appointment or I'm too unwell to watch him (hello morning sickness!).

I love seeing their bond and he massively looks forward to their visits.

I agree with PP, if cleaning the house and entertaining is draining then don't do it. They probably won't even notice, they just want to see their grandchild.

One option is to see them most weekends (either at yours, theirs or out and about) but not every single weekend.

The occasional sorry we are busy that weekend but we could pop round after work or catch you next weekend doesn’t hurt. But I think your DH has to be a bit more involved in this and decide what sort of relationship he wants with his parents and then help to facilitate that.

Yanbu. The thought of seeing one set of my in-laws every week makes me shudder. Don’t commit yourself to a routine that interferes with every weekend.

The comparisons to your relationship with your mother are pointless, I imagine you saw your mum frequently before you had a baby. It’s irritating when in-laws who you saw occasionally before having a baby want a much more intimate relationship afterwards.

This is the perfect time for you to pick up a hobby. You go out, your partner has the baby, if he wants his family to see the child weekly that’s when it happens - he can pop over. Sundays at yours are no longer convenient. He says no to his parents.

Then you can all get together less frequently for family events and what have you.

If they were to come to collect DC for a nice walk in the pram in the park or half a day at their house, I'd have less issue. Bit of a break for me and DP and they get to see their grandchild.

Then why not suggest it, yourself? Also, you can get out of cleaning up before they arrive.

"MIL an FIL, what DH and I would really love is for you to take DC for a walk to the park in his pram for two hours while we catch up with housework."