To find it upsetting how differently I’m treated with weight on me

[Thesesoundsfallintomymindyo]

I’ve been from size 8-16 (large 16) during my life, on and off. I have to work very hard if I want to be slim, gym 3-4 times per week, watch everything I eat etc. I have chronic kidney stones, which take all mg energy away and I’ve piled on the weight.
I’d say I’m quite good looking when slim, definitely not when overweight, I just can’t carry it off as I have a lot of weight around my face etc.
People just seem to like me more when I’m slim, I’ve noticed it over the years, I seem to get more respect, even my parents seem disappointed in me when I’m overweight.
I’m invisible to strangers and men seem to look at me distastefully or not treat me in the same way as my slimmer friends, when I’m slim, the look at me and stop to let me past etc, even the kids I teach like me more when I’m slimmer and call me pretty etc
I’m exactly the same person, have the same hair, eyes, make up etc etc and yet am treated so poorly
Has anyone else had this?
I find it so wrong and upsetting

Yup, I've been a size 14 most of my secondary school years till now which was fat compared to the size 6's/8's around me. I've inherited #RBF from my mum which doesn't help.

I was always ignored.
Actually in my 20s now in my early 30s still get ignored like people can't hear me talking or I'm not there.

Cultural values such as wealth and attractiveness don't make someone healthy 🙄

I don't think that's her argument! Her point is that it's not hardwired into humans to be cruel to fat people as some kind of evolutionary instinct.

Firstly, that's not how evolution works. The poster @Letsgetouttahere2023 who claimed that treating fat people badly is an inevitable consequence of evolution has made an utterly idiotic claim there.

The rebuttal made by @EscapeRoomToTheSun is challenging the statement that @Letsgetouttahere2023 made by saying no, there isn't a primitive instinct within human beings to be unkind to fat people. There have been periods and cultures in which fat has been viewed as more desirable.

No one is claiming that being overweight is healthy here. The topic being discussed is bad treatment of overweight people. You have to be a bit dim to suggest that treating overweight people badly is 'evolution in action'. It's very dangerous ground to say that prejudice against groups of people is hardwired in, inevitable and therefore can't be challenged. For one thing, if it was truly the case that evolution meant we felt compelled to shun or be cruel to unhealthy people then where does this leave our sick, disabled and elderly in society? Now, those groups absolutely face prejudice and cruelty but let's not argue that they deserve it because of evolution.

One of the aspects of humanity that has evolved is our capacity for kindness, empathy and compassion. We aren't driven to cruelty; we have the intelligence and understanding to overcome it (not everyone, apparently!).

There is no evolutionary argument for poor treatment of fat people. It is conditioned in by societal values and standards.

It’s absolutely not unreasonable for you to feel hurt by this, especially if you’re aware of your potential and you know you’re naturally beautiful. It may be unfortunate but it’s true, humans are hardwired to find health attractive. If you’re underweight, gaining healthy fat/muscle will make you more attractive and visa Vera. Please don’t take it personally as I’ve experienced the same. If you want to loose weight, please only do it for yourself because at the end of the day, someone’s always going to find a fault no matter what. In regards to your health issue, don’t be afraid to speak to the doctor about what you can do differently to help shed the pounds if that’s what you really wanna do xx

@Madamebutterfly97 you're saying people are hardwired to find health attractive; the OP isn't talking about finding a partner. She's saying everyone treats her differently and even her parents change their attitude to her based on her weight. What does that have to do with attraction?

Actually, science simply says it’s calories in vs calories out. Exercise is good for you but it’s not going to contribute to much weight loss unless you keep the calories down. High fibre, high protein (to keep you full) and healthy fats for flavour and drinking water. It IS simple (objectively)

Evolution isn’t all about genes. It’s about the environment. We aren’t in food scarcity right now so we wouldn’t find obese attractive. It’s a sign of over nutrition.

Again, the thread isn't about attraction. It's about bad treatment. Or do you treat everyone badly that you don't find attractive?

Quite. It's a curious justification isn't it.

It isn't simple if your weight gain has little to do with 'calories in' and you can't exercise.

But people don't know that when they look at you. They just think fat = lazy, greedy, unhealthy, and so on. And that you could do something about it if you wanted to.

It is clear that people do this. Most employers are not looking to date you but you are more likely to get better jobs if you are attractive.

@Cocktopus I agree with this. I think people can see being overweight as lazy, no self control etc which isn't always the case. Love the username by the way!

It’s sadly true from my experience. I have gone from around a 22 to an 8 and have noticed more looks from men, had comments from strangers calling me tiny rather than big and a whole lot worse.

It could be you’re oblivious to it, I think judging by a few of the posts here some people who claim they haven’t been treated differently just haven’t noticed OR perhaps you have some of what society sees as redeeming features to “compensate” eg. Blond hair, blue eyes, conventionally attractive face, perfect smile, hourglass shape, immaculate outer presentation /grooming etc., slim face.

I do actually have blonde hair, blue eyes and a pretty and slim face. Always have even when fat. I always make an effort with my appearance so it must all make a difference!

Wow, this is ground breaking..such insight

What I find really interesting is how much people are prepared to justify their bias as understandable and not something that they should make efforts to overcome (as we are supposed to do with other biases). Being fat is apparently an acceptable reason for treating someone badly and you aren’t considered a bad person for doing it, if anything, you’re doing a good thing because you think you’re encouraging them to do the decent thing and lose weight (you aren’t).

Are we not in a food scarcity?
Tell that to the parents that cry to me about not being able to feed their children.

Also, what do you mean by "health"? Mental health? Gut health? Because I get the impression you mean a flat stomach. And what makes you the Queen of Health? How do you know and I mean really know about someone's health by looking at them?

You don't like body fat. Admit it and go away.

i was hefty for a few years but my default is towards lean where my weight has been most of my life.

I have never been treated better when slimmer but ...

I don't have an attractive face and don't have a classically "attractive/desirable" female figure as i'm straight up and down.

Women treated me the same at bigger and smaller.
Men slightly (but not by much) better when smaller.

Fat or "normal" weight, if you are more attractive body shape eg size 16 hourglass and/or have more attractive facial features in nice proportions i think you'll get treated better.

So boringly predictable:
OP - depressed at how she's treated when overweight
Mumsnet - Don't be overweight
Helpful

I remember once on a thread posting that I wasn't fat because I overate or was lazy.

Within seconds someone quoted me and said 'Really?'

Which sums up people's attitudes to overweight people quite nicely, I think.

I’ve never been fat, I’ve only ever got to a 12 and for most of my life been 8-10 and I’m trying to think whether I treat fat people badly.

I’m going to be honest, seeing as it’s been asked so try not to totally flip out!

Sometimes I don’t know where to look when I’m around a really fat person, there’s an awkwardness I can’t quite put my finger on. They often seem very self conscious (fiddling with their clothes etc) and it sometimes feels hard to know how to deal with that, so I tend to think I’ll not make it worse by forcing conversation etc.

Other times, there are literally things that I would do as matter of course that make things awkward when interacting with obese people. For example, I took my friend on a big hike a few weeks ago and I truly thought I’d finished her off. I’d told her how long it was, hill level etc. and she insisted on coming, but honestly it was awful. There are things that are ‘just not in the zone’ when people are obese, and that’s not just big hikes, it’s also taking the stairs, waking that extra 500m, going to certain restaurants that are ‘cosy’, taking public transport, just generally being much slower than what is my norm.

I think these things may come across as being awful to fat people (excluding them from certain activities and disengaging when people are super self conscious for want of not making it worse) but in my mind, relationships go both ways and it’s never a blanket rejection of someone because they are fat, it’s much more complicated

I’m not fat, and I’m not going to “flip out”, but those all sound like your issues with fat people, rather than fat people’s issues in themselves - loads of fat people can do those things and loads of thin people can’t, they aren’t all the same

It’s unhealthy in the same way smoking is. Can’t ban food though so people have to take responsibility for their own health.

So being nasty to fat people is ok? Because it will make people take responsibility?