To find it upsetting how differently I’m treated with weight on me

[Thesesoundsfallintomymindyo]

I’ve been from size 8-16 (large 16) during my life, on and off. I have to work very hard if I want to be slim, gym 3-4 times per week, watch everything I eat etc. I have chronic kidney stones, which take all mg energy away and I’ve piled on the weight.
I’d say I’m quite good looking when slim, definitely not when overweight, I just can’t carry it off as I have a lot of weight around my face etc.
People just seem to like me more when I’m slim, I’ve noticed it over the years, I seem to get more respect, even my parents seem disappointed in me when I’m overweight.
I’m invisible to strangers and men seem to look at me distastefully or not treat me in the same way as my slimmer friends, when I’m slim, the look at me and stop to let me past etc, even the kids I teach like me more when I’m slimmer and call me pretty etc
I’m exactly the same person, have the same hair, eyes, make up etc etc and yet am treated so poorly
Has anyone else had this?
I find it so wrong and upsetting

@EscapeRoomToTheSun specifically said that "In food scarcity and historically fatness if often a sign of wealth and attractiveness" - I responded that cultural values such as wealth and attractiveness don't make someone healthy, so it's pretty obvious I was responding to the cultural and health aspects, not whether someone is historically kind or unkind to obese people, because of evolution or any other factor. IMO, it's damaging to celebrate obesity, but, that said, fat shaming or humiliation is not acceptable either. It's a life-limiting medical condition, and should be treated with the same compassion as any other.

So, your not wrong, but evolution is a funny bugger. If you exercise too much and not eat enough you will also lose the ability to reproduce (RED-S worth looking up). This is not anorexia, and does not look like it either it looks like what, culturally, we favor in western society. Our bodies need fat and muscle to survive and reproduce. Too much and too little will inhibit that, however the slim lady who doesn't have her period will not be judged (maybe unconsciously) in the same way as the larger lady.
Its the opposite for men obesity in men and under eating and over exercising in men will also affect reproduction, men who are not getting enough nutritionally will have no morning glory and will struggle to have an erection. Obese men will also have this struggle, however probably not just larger men, so biologically women are less likely to find a skinny man attractive.

OP I am sorry that this has happened to you and you feel this way. Some will be unconscious bias, some will be how you feel about yourself, the rest is just horrible people, ignore if you can.

Agreed. In fact when I was anorexic I received constant compliments on my figure, despite being so slim my periods had stopped

A question, for those using "evolution" to justify being twats to fat people... My first lot of meds made me very fat, I have switched now and am losing weight rapidly but the next meds are making me lose all my hair. Will "evolution" mean you are a twat to me when I am bald too?

Agreed. I like myself more when I am slimmer and I also feel healthier. But it is not easy.

I think this thread shows that people have a very tentative grasp on what evolution is. It's not a sentient, intentional process. It doesn't dictate the way you treat a fat person.

And @usernamealreadytaken the poster was talking about periods of time/culture in which fatness has been considered more desirable, not healthy. For you to reply to someone saying 'these people think or thought fat is attractive' with 'fat isn't healthy' is quite a non sequitur! She didn't say it was healthy! Just that attitudes towards it are conditioned by society's norms, rather than health concerns. What society considers an ideal of beauty at any given time won't always be a healthy one. So I still don't understand your reply.

I'd like to know how these posters treat ill or disabled people. What does their (imaginary) evolutionary instinct tell them then?

Okay, so just to simplify, because the quotes got so long...

@Letsgetouttahere2023 said "Being obese is super super bad news for your health" - referring to health

@EscapeRoomToTheSun said "In food scarcity and historically fatness if often a sign of wealth and attractiveness." - referring to cultural values

I said "Cultural values such as wealth and attractiveness don't make someone healthy" - referring to the irrelevance of cultural values to health

It's called a conversation, with different people giving different opinions. HTH.

That makes sense, @usernamealreadytaken but I think what Escape was referring to was the other part of the sentence - 'evolution in action' and discrediting that. Not the health part. Because that wouldn't make sense. Her response was saying it's not evolution, it's society.

In terms of what people are saying about times long gone where the rich people were fatter and the slimmer people were the poor, then maybe, it’s worth considering that the economic circumstances of a person might affect their weight in terms of the food that they have access to.

I have been a size 8 (at age 18) and am now a size 18 (at age 55). I’m still attractive to men, but I think that’s because I’m mostly hair and boobs.

What's even more annoying is someone posting then not bothering to reply...

I've been over-weight before. I was over-weight because I lacked self control at the time, ate too much and was lazy. So someone being overweight is a sign that they are potentially lazy, greedy and have no self control, hence people probably see and treat them differently. It's just the way it is.

Lots of people convince themselves they're eating the right things, exercise all the time blah blah blah but the reality is they still eat too much and don't move enough.

I haven't been overweight for 24 years. I went on holiday with a friend who "can't lose weight", but after a week with me (hahaha poor girl!) she discovered she eats far more than me and moves much less than me, and thus is overweight. She has since opted for the moving more and does a long walk every day, and has lost lots of weight already. She also stopped driving to the shop and now walks if she wants a snack.

“It’s just the way it is”

no, just the way you see it. You think it’s ok to treat fat people unpleasantly because you felt you deserved that when you were fat? That’s not healthy, even though you think it is.

There is a correlation between low incomes and obesity now. Though thanks to @towriteyoumustlive 's insightful and compassionate post that solves the obesity crisis with her dazzling understanding and brilliant solution, I suppose it must be because poor people are greedier, lazier and more lacking in self control than wealthier people? As she says, there isn't any other cause after all. Just those lazy, greedy, deluded fatties with no self control that inevitably we will all treat with contempt because that's just the way it is!

Huh? Where did the OP mention they were in poverty?

I was speaking from my own experience when I was over-weight.

Of course there are other causes of being over weight, but denial about food quantities and exercise are also a huge cause.

Thanks for your extensive research confirming this 'huge cause'*. I think doctors and scientists worldwide would be very grateful if you shared it.

(Also the OP mentioned nothing about poverty, that was in response to another comment, but in her case it seems illness is a factor. So does that mean it's ok or not ok for people to be unpleasant to her? Is it 'just the way it is' or is she more deserving of decent treatment? Please advise).

*a case study of you and your friend

DISCLAIMER: I have gone up to an 18-20 in the past 5 years (40+ and perimenpausal). I was a 12 before and not particularly good looking.

The recent heatwave we had where everyone was wearing those cycling shorts things and belly tops really opened my eyes to obesity. There are so many overweight women and no, it isn't attractive in the flesh. Rolls/bulges of fat does not look healthy at all. I was on holiday recently and needed to buy trousers and they simply didn't exist in my size. It has really opened my eyes to my own body and choices I'm making and I think this might be a turning point for me. We have glorified/celebrated obesity too much in the UK.
Of course none of this should mean it is OK to be treated less, but ask anyone with physical disability or any other 'difference', it happens all the time 😞

Yeah it’s true. To be honest I just can’t be arsed to care any more. I roll my eyes and carry on.

Please reread the opening post @feralunderclass . The OP is not glorifying or celebrating obesity; she has a painful chronic condition that makes it hard for her to maintain a healthy weight. She feels very bad about this because she feels universally condemned - even her own parents and people in her professional life treat her differently because of her weight. And your answer is that obesity is 'glorified' because obese people are able to buy trousers that fit?

Moving through life in a fat body (I have been both slim and fat due to thirty years of eating disorders) means a woman is made to feel ugly, inadequate, ashamed, both invisible and horribly noticeable. People still shout abuse from their car windows at fat women in the street.

Being able to buy plus-size clothes and follow body positivity accounts on social media does not equate to 'celebrating obesity'. Obesity is still not a desirable state. The diet industry is thriving, MN weight loss threads are full of people trying be and stay thinner, there is an Ozempic shortage meaning diabetics can't get their medication because the demand for it as a slimming drug is vast. People on the whole do not want to be or to stay obese. If it was a glorified state, they would. Allowing fat people to buy clothes or go out in public does not encourage anyone to gain weight.

@ElectricTouch I did read the OP, but we are now 10 pages in I'm not by any means saying that fat people (of whom I'm one of) should be banished to the attic, never to be seen again, but I do feel the body posivity movement has caused obesity to be celebrated, rather than an undesirable medical disorder which should be addressed. I've tried so many things, including Saxenda and am contemplating Ozempic. I think we need to ask why are there so many obese people in the UK. The country where I couldn't find trousers is much poorer than the UK, and nowhere near as many overweight people.
My own mother is horrified by my weight, I literally can't put a bite in my mouth without her scolding me, so I'm no stranger to being fat shamed. No one should be made to feel bad about their appearance, but unfortunately it happens.

Do you think that us fat people should swelter in layers of clothing in the summer for fear of offending your sensibilities?

You think the rise in obesity is because it's celebrated @feralunderclass so you think people want to be obese? It's just not the case.

The country where you couldn't buy trousers is a poorer country with less obesity, but in the UK obesity is more correlated with being poor. Is this because the poor in this country celebrate obesity? Or is it because of cheap processed food or lack of resources or lack of time caused by shift patterns or some other cause?

I see the phrase 'glorifying obesity' and I wonder if the people using it have ever met a fat person who would prefer to be fat than thin. I wonder if we'll ever see women's magazines with weight-gain tips like we would if being obese really was celebrated. If people will start to post on MN about how to get a rounder belly or more rolls.

Body positivity might make some people feel more confident in their own skin, but it hasn't made fatness aspirational and it never will.

@Letsgetouttahere2023
'It's evolution in action. Being obese is super super bad news for your health and subconsciously all humans recognise this.'

Actually this isn't correct. Most size 16 people are far from obese, and the perception you refer to is largely cultural.
In many societies, men would avoid thin women like the plague, on the basis that they look so I'll and undernourished they are unlikely to nurture their offspring successfully.

Yes me ☹️ especially after having my third baby and I went up to a size 16
Im a 14 now and like you I have to go and train 3-4 times a week (mui Thai for me instead of the gym)
Its hard, even at the gym one of my PTs will treat the prettier girls differently than they do me and that affects how I perform then when I see that

Its absolutely true that people treat you differently. As a student, I gained two stone in my first year. A bloke I fancied at the time (although, with hindsight, he wasn't anything special), didn't give me the time of day. Later, I lost all the weight and more, and he suddenly became all flirty and attentive. I didn't encourage him - as far as I was concerned, he'd had his chance and blown it. So there!