To find it upsetting how differently I’m treated with weight on me

[Thesesoundsfallintomymindyo]

I’ve been from size 8-16 (large 16) during my life, on and off. I have to work very hard if I want to be slim, gym 3-4 times per week, watch everything I eat etc. I have chronic kidney stones, which take all mg energy away and I’ve piled on the weight.
I’d say I’m quite good looking when slim, definitely not when overweight, I just can’t carry it off as I have a lot of weight around my face etc.
People just seem to like me more when I’m slim, I’ve noticed it over the years, I seem to get more respect, even my parents seem disappointed in me when I’m overweight.
I’m invisible to strangers and men seem to look at me distastefully or not treat me in the same way as my slimmer friends, when I’m slim, the look at me and stop to let me past etc, even the kids I teach like me more when I’m slimmer and call me pretty etc
I’m exactly the same person, have the same hair, eyes, make up etc etc and yet am treated so poorly
Has anyone else had this?
I find it so wrong and upsetting

Yes, it's like the obese are considered fair game.

But when people are actually telling "fat cow!" And making obvious mooing noises at a fat woman, they are being conscious of what they're doing.

I'm sure the woman who screamed at and threatened me by saying she wanted to smack the fat out of me knew what she was doing. I'm sure the drunk students in a car who threw rubbish at me and jeered knew what they were doing . I'm sure my dad who used to call me a fat cow and tell me no one would ever want me knew what he was doing.

I think its certainly true for some of us.
There are some women who look lovely heavier. One i can think of, more so than when she was slim, as being larger just looked great on her and gave her a stand out presence she lacked at a smaller size.
Other people, myself included, look much better slim. All sorts of things from bone structure to age to body shape to personal style preferences affect the weight that suits you best. When you're at that weight, all other things being equal, you will look your best, which tends to result in an upward spiral of being considered more attractive and so having increased confidence which then makes you even more attractive.

I’m not pretending anything. I’ve stated quite clearly that people shouldn’t be treated differently / badly due to their weight. If you choose to believe I meant the exact opposite then there’s really not much else I can say.

Saying that you were healthy when you were overweight is like saying some lifelong smokers live until they are 90, it maybe true but it won’t be the experience of the majority of people who are either overweight or smokers.

I personally believe as a society we fixate far too much on what people look like and not enough time thinking about what is good for us. That is what concerns me, regardless of what you may think, mate.

I don’t think being unconsciously shallow is any better than being consciously shallow, is it?

When I was a size 16 I was 11st 6lb, 4lb heavier than the top end ideal weight for my height. Size 16 isn't 'very overweight'.

I'm now a size 20 (I've been everything from a size 8 to a 30 due to eating disorders). I had maintained a healthy weight for years until I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease which has left me with mobility issues, so unable to exercise. I am also on medication which has made me gain a lot of weight. I eat well and healthily. And before you suggest my disease was caused by the periods in my life where I was overweight - it wasn't.

I may be fat but at least I'm not so ignorant, cruel and unpleasant that I think overweight people are mentally unstable or thick. That's the sort of attitude that makes a person thoroughly unattractive.

This is definitely a thing, OP.

I’ve lost 2.5 stone since last year and the difference in how people talk to me is mad. I do have more confidence because I feel better and have more energy, but that can’t be the only reason. I get random blokes talking to me now (not saying this is a good thing!) that never used to happen. I remember a few times I was just ignored when with acquaintances, like there was no point in paying any attention to me, that doesn’t happen anymore.

This is true for me too, every word of it

I had maintained a healthy weight for years until I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease which has left me with mobility issues, so unable to exercise. I am also on medication which has made me gain a lot of weight. I eat well and healthily. And before you suggest my disease was caused by the periods in my life where I was overweight - it wasn't.

I may be fat but at least I'm not so ignorant, cruel and unpleasant that I think overweight people are mentally unstable or thick. That's the sort of attitude that makes a person thoroughly unattractive.

I have been thinking fat and then then again and honestly don't think there is much difference especially with men as a significant number of men are attracted to curvy beautiful women and I am considered good looking.i did a lot of modelling in mid and late teens .The thing that DOES make a massive difference is the way uou dress.

Other people don't care about your weight, looks. How they treat and respect you depends entirely on how you act, speak to them, behave, what you DO, how you carry yourself.

I disagree.
Certain members of my family treated me terribly when fat (as a child following years of a medication known to increase weight), gushed when I managed to lose weight, went back to snide looks and comments when I put weight back on. One of the reasons I self sabotage is because it’s difficult to reconcile with family members treating me so much better when not fat - I’m literally the same person.
I’m currently a size 18/20 and the happiest I’ve ever been, and feel confident. It doesn’t bother me now when people judge me for being fat, it’s on them. I’d lose weight far more easily if I was treated as me whatever I look like.

Not long ago I watched a video explaining what goes on in people’s heads when they have a problem with difference - basically everyone has a deep levelled reaction to difference, but some react in a way that would be called racist (if this discussion was about race), because they don’t have the cognitive skills to rationalise their instinctive brain’s response. Every time someone is happy to dismiss someone because they’re fat (so obviously a crap person), or they have ginger hair, or something, I know that they obviously don’t have the brain power to see the human, and I feel slightly sorry for the ignorant twats! I certainly don’t need them in my life!

I'm a support worker and work with a lady who is nearly 30 stone. Extremely unhealthy and we're working to help her lose weight but in terms of peoples reactions, the visceral look on passers by faces is hard for them to hide. Open disgust. Thankfully she doesn't notice.
People definitely treat her differently. The saving grace is she never gets comments or abuse even from dodgy looking teens.

I think this is true.

To our subconscious, slim = healthy, active, longevity, high self esteem, motivated etc.

Overweight = the opposite.

It's interesting though because in the past it was more fashionable to be heavier. Not too heavy though. Being obese was still unfashionable.

It’s definitely true. Moreso for some than others. I remember being 17 and me and most of my friends were thin except one and if we ever got into a minor altercation with men on a night out etc they’d go straight for attacking her weight.

my weight went up to 13 stone in the pandemic putting me in the obese zone since I’m short, the thing is - it was hard to decipher at first whether people were being racist or fatphobic but all I knew is it seemed as if people were suddenly being ruder to me.

I gradually realised it was both. My point being if you’re a POC AND dare to be fat it’s another point “against you”.

Same if you're disabled and overweight I obese. Like myself and @QueefQueen80s mentioned. It's horrific. It's like we are subhuman. If I wasn't white I would have a third black mark against my name.

It’s all linked with “pretty” privilege, and I think this always needs defined more - the further you are away from the eurocentric ideal of beauty ie. Thin, white, blue/green eyes, straight or wavy hair the less people, in this society anyway, see you as being pretty.

That would be bad enough but what makes it worse is these same people think someone having more beauty = more respect owed.

It doesn’t always work exactly like this of course. There are exceptions, I used to live in Asia and I was worried I’d face anti-blackness but as It turned out to my surprise a lot of the people thought I was pretty (despite or because of my skin I’m not sure) so I ended up receiving favourable treatment over eg. My plus sized “plain”(in their eyes) white friend. But it was still to do with beliefs about how someone’s attractiveness should guide how you treat them!

Yes, this is also true re. Disability ! I was actually thinking about that too but don’t know enough about it from personal experience but I can certainly imagine based on what I’ve heard from disabled friends.

It's connected to the way you feel about yourself though. If you feel overweight and unattractive, that vibe reflects on other people. Likewise if you're slim and confident you'll likely give off a more positive vibe.

Yes I agree. I have never been bigger than a 12-14 but I have very large hips and bum. A few years ago I lost nearly 2 stone through strength training and my Mum loved it so much. You could almost see the pride seeping out of her every time she saw me because I was her slim daughter. Couldn't maintain it through the lock downs and am now back to how I was before. Weirdly I am really happy the way I am now and feel healthy and comfortable, and without the pressure of wondering how I'll maintain weight lifting all my life! My Mum is lovely and still says I look nice, but can tell it's different. She's just being polite now, not super proud.

However, my sister is much bigger but she has a beautiful face, and a bold, radiant and confident personality so people tend to gravitate towards her and want to be her friend. She's also done really well at work because of how confident she is. Where as I am more awkward so people don't warm to me as easily even though I am slimmer.

Not long ago I watched a video explaining what goes on in people’s heads when they have a problem with difference - basically everyone has a deep levelled reaction to difference, but some react in a way that would be called racist (if this discussion was about race), because they don’t have the cognitive skills to rationalise their instinctive brain’s response. Every time someone is happy to dismiss someone because they’re fat (so obviously a crap person), or they have ginger hair, or something, I know that they obviously don’t have the brain power to see the human, and I feel slightly sorry for the ignorant twats! I certainly don’t need them in my life!

Excellent summary and this is my opinion too of people who judge me without knowing anything about me.

Also helps explain my observation that people who treat fat people differently are often the same people who are racist /misogynist/ableist

100%.

I have been a size 12 and a size 22 due to lifelong binge eating disorder (that turned out to be a symptom of undiagnosed ADHD and is now under control for the first time in my life thanks to ADHD medication. I've lost 4.5 stone and am currently a size 16).

I have hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and I put off using a much-needed mobility aid for ages. Not because of how unusual it is to use a walking stick in your early 30s, but because I was scared that people would make comments about my weight. My reluctance to make my disability more visible was rooted in a fear of people (like several posters on this thread) assuming I was simply fat and lazy.

Suits me. Really helpful arsehole filter!

This resonates a lot. Times when I've tried to lose weight - by eating more healthily, drinking less or going to the gym - I quickly get branded 'boring' or told to 'live a little' by friends, colleagues, or even romantic partners. E.g. no I won't have the cake or beer. Sorry, I can't do [x] because I'm going to the gym.

However, I'm sure those same people would be critical about my weight, or quick to tell me I should eat more healthily or go to the gym to lose weight.

Could have written this myself! I had always been slim, when I was an 8/10 I was treated very differently to now as a 16/18 by men and women. I'm a nice polite kind person (I think!) very quiet but with a good sense of humour. Some people look at me with such disdain and are so rude to me for no apparent reason, I don't ever remember experiencing that when I was slim!

Yep.

I avoid using my walking stick as much as possible because I know people will be thinking that my weight is why I need it. And that I'm fat because I'm lazy and greedy. None of which is true.

Being fat and disabled is fucking horrific. The judgemental arses on MN and irl should try it and see how they get on.