To find it upsetting how differently I’m treated with weight on me

[Thesesoundsfallintomymindyo]

I’ve been from size 8-16 (large 16) during my life, on and off. I have to work very hard if I want to be slim, gym 3-4 times per week, watch everything I eat etc. I have chronic kidney stones, which take all mg energy away and I’ve piled on the weight.
I’d say I’m quite good looking when slim, definitely not when overweight, I just can’t carry it off as I have a lot of weight around my face etc.
People just seem to like me more when I’m slim, I’ve noticed it over the years, I seem to get more respect, even my parents seem disappointed in me when I’m overweight.
I’m invisible to strangers and men seem to look at me distastefully or not treat me in the same way as my slimmer friends, when I’m slim, the look at me and stop to let me past etc, even the kids I teach like me more when I’m slimmer and call me pretty etc
I’m exactly the same person, have the same hair, eyes, make up etc etc and yet am treated so poorly
Has anyone else had this?
I find it so wrong and upsetting

Ah, the good old "respectability politics" narrative.

"Behave right and people will treat you right, no one cares about X characteristic, and that's not why people treat you badly.(if people do indeed treat you badly - they probably don't, it's all in your head)."

This tends to be followed by: "You could do with losing a few pounds anyway, being overweight is not healthy. Not to mention, by treating you with respect we encourage others to damage their health. That's without thinking about the strain on the NHS."

We know - from other marginalised groups (e.g. Black people) - respectability politics isn't true: it has been studied loads. It is an attempt to blame people for their own maltreatment.

👏Stop trying to insinuate that weight discrimination isn't a real thing. Scientific studies have shown it is.
👏Stop trying to blame fat people for their own mistreatment.
👏Stop treating fat people with contempt.

We know - from other marginalised groups (e.g. Black people) - respectability politics isn't true: it has been studied loads. It is an attempt to blame people for their own maltreatment.

👏Stop trying to insinuate that weight discrimination isn't a real thing. Scientific studies have shown it is.
👏Stop trying to blame fat people for their own mistreatment.
👏Stop treating fat people with contempt.

Exactly.

And in relation to the point about the NHS. The NHS chose to prescribe me drugs that they knew were likely to cause considerable weight gain rather than opting for the newer, more expensive, treatment options that wouldn't. ...

Do you really think this? If your subconscious tells you to be revolted by fat people because their longevity and health is compromised and you believe this is somehow a feature of evolution, is your subconscious telling you the same about ill and/or disabled people?

I don’t think that’s always true. I didn’t even realise I’d put on over two stone during the pandemic as I was spending every day in sweatpants and pyjamas and my scale had stopped working. I’m one of those people who don’t notice I’ve put on or lost weight until either someone else says or I take pictures with friends. I live alone, hadn’t been seeing anyone or taking pics so I wasn’t even aware until I weighed myself late 2021. I’d also stopped doing my eyebrows etc and wasn’t keeping on top of my hair/ facial hair because I was WFH and wasnt socialising so I just didn’t bother lol but i was my usual smiley self.

I’ve now lost 2 stone, and 12% of body fat, back getting my eyebrows shaped and getting my hair done and even though I’m not the 9 stone I was for most of my adulthood the difference in treatment I get now compared to early 2021 is huge.

Although I’ve heard a lot of fat women say they feel they need to work harder at having nice hair, clothes, nails etc to “compensate” (for the crime of being fat)and to be the funniest and most fabulous in the room, and I totally get it. Conversely I know thin conventionally pretty girls with little personality and a moody exterior that still get tonnes of kindness, favours and smiles from random strangers.

LOL.
GP had only ever met me as harassed mother of sick kids, wearing jeans and stains.
Me, childfree at early morning GP appt, in dress and heels. Grotfree.
GP "Good heavens, Bazooka, hardly recognised you! Where are you off to all dressed up? Somewhere nice? "
Me "On my way to college".
GP "Well that;s great, getting some qualifications and making something of yourself . What are you studying?"
Me " I teach there, I 'm one of the lecturers"

If I'd had a scarf, or any pity, I could have made a sling for her jaw.

However it affects someone's health - and many people are overweight due to other health conditions, not the other way round, and however much you don't like it, 66% of adults being overweight or obese means it is very much normal.

Arguing over whether clothes sizes should be altered or making straw man arguments equating obesity with smoking makes you look like a concern troll, even if you didn't mean to come across that way.

I’m not disputing whether obesity is ‘normal’ or not. The point I was making is that ‘normal’ is not what matters.

I don’t care about clothes sizes, I care about how healthy people are and how likely they are to live long and healthy lives. It’s a fact that being overweight makes you more likely to develop life threatening or life limiting conditions such as cancer, diabetes or heart failure. I doubt telling someone they are normal is much consolation when they are prematurely unwell with one these terrible diseases.

Yes it's a thing and doesn't even need to be much weight.

Due to health issues I've gone from a 10 to a 12/14, my own father's only comment to family after visiting for 3 weeks was that I'd put on weight. That really hurt, more so that he didn't having anything else or nice to say.

Anyway I've found putting more into my hair, makeup, mani/pedi etc. Both makes me feel better and boosts how I feel I am treated. Also letting me DH pick out clothes for me as he has an eye for what suits me and picks things I wouldn't, and which in turn get me complimented.

Actually @Ibetthatyoulookgoodon it is consolation to feel normal. To know that if you struggle with your weight, that you aren't alone or abnormally incapable or disgusting or worthless or all of the other feelings attached to weight.

And to feel normal, to step away from self-loathing and know that others are in the same position, helps a person to make healthier choices and care for their body better.

On these threads, there are always posters extremely anxious that we might 'normalise' obesity which becomes 'celebrating obesity' somehow, and these posters feel it's their duty to remind fat people they are abnormal and repulsive and shameful and so on and so on. And of course, such a shocking drain on the health services. But none of those posters ever accept that kindness and compassion towards fat people might help them more than hectoring and criticising. If you really do care about the impact on population health and healthcare services, try listening to what people are saying about their experience with weight gain and loss. Treat people non-judgementally, indeed do normalise them - it's so isolating to feel like it just you struggling and it makes it so much harder - and you won't usher in a new era where everyone gleefully chooses to become obese because it's so celebrated and joyous. But you might find you help people to feel better and more worthy of looking after themselves. Less embarrassed to go to the gym, or swim or run. Less fearful of going to the doctor. More able to address their particular issues head-on with confidence and support.

These are the things concern trolls would do if they really were concerned.

Have you just completely contradicted yourself @2bazookas or is it me? Didn't you say that no one judges you on how you look and then follow up with a post saying your GP thought you were an unemployed slob until she saw you dressed to go to work?

Yes it really doesn’t need to be that much weight gained for others to start changing how they treat you, and to feel the pressure to be more “made up”.

My weight gain was similar , I went from size 10 to size 14/16 and now at size 12.

That is sad re. your Dad thinking your weight was the only thing worth commenting on and sharing with your family.

I find it partially true. I'm definitely treated as invisible more often when I feel down about my weight. But if I am buzzing with life about work or similar, then I don't feel as invisible and am not treated so invisibly.

A lot of men just don't 'see' women they don't find attractive. It's as though their brains can't compute the existence of someone they don't want to shag. That just makes me scorn them, not myself!

I’m not trying to remind anyone of anything, least of all that being overweight is abnormal or disgusting (I think we’ve established it is, by definition, normal in that most people are). I think I’ve been very clear that overweight people should not in anyway be stigmatised or treated less well. My concern is that there are consequences to being overweight that of not simply social constructs which can be ushered away with some recalibrations. It’s hard to be a healthy weight in modern society (that’s why most people aren’t) so it’s ever more important to help people as much as we can as a society. I agree that is definitely not demonising, stigmatising or blaming people, however, I don’t agree that we should stop trying and simply recalibrate our lives to accept the fact that everyone is now going to just live shorter less healthy lives. We can be compassionate without denying the unfortunate truth about how dangerous being overweight is for the individual.

I don't think anyone is denying that obesity isn't healthy though @Ibetthatyoulookgoodon ? This thread is about stigmatisation of fat people. It's not saying it's great or consequence-free to be fat, just that people shouldn't be cruel to fat people. So why come on to finger-wag about health? I can't see the relevance?

My weight fluctuates considerably due to severe pcos .
My face looks loads better with fat on it (fills the wrinkles ) but I feel better personally when I lose a couple of stone.
But people are so much more complementary when I'm slimmer and generally nicer about me.
😂sex is also loads better when slimmer 😂so it's worth the effort!

Because the original comment I replied to was about recalibrating sizes, my point is that’s not what matters.

Same. I've been told "being fat is not a disability" when I tried to take a priority seats ( have lanyard and please give me a seat card now everywhere I go) and was almost crucified by one day who was outraged that I didn't give up my seat for another disabled person because I needed it as much.

@Notimeforaname snap!! I could have written your post! Not sure if it is because it's difficult to tame and make curly hair 'behave' & that's seen as being reflected in my personality,but I'm definitely treated much better when my hair is straight- which is once in a blue moon as I can't do it myself. Ironically people do admire my curls but treat me better with straight hair. I also have to agree with being treated as less competent, less professional, less visible the more weight I carry (currently size 16 but have been every size in betw 8 & 16). Of course I've committed the cardinal sin of giving up work for now to look after our children, makes more sense for our situation, but honestly the combination of being a SAHM and carrying extra weight - you'd think i'd handed my brain cells over with my resignation letter the way many people treat me..

I don't think people are generally disrespecting me now that I'm larger, but the invisibility is a thing. People literally look through you, and it has nothing to do with confidence or whatever - I haven't spoken! I always greet people with a smile and the intention to make friends/have a friendly chat at least, and I'm happy to instigate a conversation. But still.
For example, I was once out with two friends, one a few years older, they were both about size 10, I'm was a size 18. We are well in to middle age so not nubile young things to be flattered by attention. We were having a good catch up and enjoying ourselves. Yet the waiter barely registered me. Took my friend's orders first and I had to state mine (rather than him asking me). Got their orders fine but got mine wrong. When he came over to check on us later he looked at both of them for confirmation but only glanced at me without waiting for a response. Repeat repeat repeat.

There are definitely active threads on here right now where people are denying certain treatment is dished out to black people and other minorities btw. I had to leave one thread because I was disgusted by the amount of excuses people made for the London met officers arresting a black woman in front of her child for allegedly not paying her bus fare (and it was later revealed she did pay it ) racial gaslighting happens all the time.

That's a fair comment and horrifying - I hadn't seen that particular thread but I take your more general comment.

“I don’t agree that we should stop trying and simply recalibrate our lives to accept the fact that everyone is now going to just live shorter less healthy lives”

fine, but how is that relevant on a thread where people are talking about how and why fat people are treated badly?

DH found this when he was obese. People didn't smile at him in the street or stop and ask for directions anymore (live in Central London so very common). He thinks people's fatism impacted progression at work too.

Letsgetouttahere2023
It's evolution in action. Being obese is super super bad news for your health and subconsciously all humans recognise this.

Not sure that this is true. Carrying extra weight has long been a desirable evolutionary trait in women to see them through lean times and through prolonged breastfeeding. Steatopygia, for example. And the Ice Age Venuses. Societal preferences are another matter, and are frequently linked to economics.

Oh do fuck off