To find it upsetting how differently I’m treated with weight on me

[Thesesoundsfallintomymindyo]

I’ve been from size 8-16 (large 16) during my life, on and off. I have to work very hard if I want to be slim, gym 3-4 times per week, watch everything I eat etc. I have chronic kidney stones, which take all mg energy away and I’ve piled on the weight.
I’d say I’m quite good looking when slim, definitely not when overweight, I just can’t carry it off as I have a lot of weight around my face etc.
People just seem to like me more when I’m slim, I’ve noticed it over the years, I seem to get more respect, even my parents seem disappointed in me when I’m overweight.
I’m invisible to strangers and men seem to look at me distastefully or not treat me in the same way as my slimmer friends, when I’m slim, the look at me and stop to let me past etc, even the kids I teach like me more when I’m slimmer and call me pretty etc
I’m exactly the same person, have the same hair, eyes, make up etc etc and yet am treated so poorly
Has anyone else had this?
I find it so wrong and upsetting

This is exactly me, I'm 5ft 7 so many would think 9.5 stone size 10 would be "perfect" but I have a wide frame so it hung off me, I was ill and had all the symptoms of anorexia, periods stopped and couldn't sit down for long due to bones jutting out etc
But wow the attention I got 🙄 shallow fuckers. I looked like a ghost

People can't understand how a size 10 can be too thin.. they don't consider skeleton size or body shape.

Size12-14 much healthier

I think all creatures are. It’s nature.

I think men in general don't get noticed by women much at all, fat or thin.

I have been very slim (8/10) and larger (16/18). My observation is that I'm not treated badly as bigger, but that there's a thinness premium, just like a pretty privilege. If you are really slim with a good figure, you not only get approval from men but from other women. I've been complimented loads of times by women.

I think if you are a bit bigger you have to work harder to get the same easy life as when you are slimmer- so being friendly, smiling, asking for help, it works, I don't feel discriminated against at size 18 but I think it's harder work (e.g. need to make an effort with clothing, make-up, look nice).

Definitely true. I'm at my 'upper limit' now but a few years ago I was about 3 stone lighter and everyone treated me better. I thought maybe I projected more confidence but now I'm back up again I believe its more than this. There are many people who believe fat people lack competence, if they can't even sort out what they put into their mouth then how can be be trusted with X or Y... on some level I believe this about myself too, its just mortifying walking down the street knowing everyone can see your personal flaws wobbling along.

This

The average woman's clothes size in the UK has been size 16 for several decades now. If 16 was defined as "medium" (which it statistically is) instead of XL or even XXL it would go a long way towards helping people's perception of their own bodies as normal.
https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/womens-body-changes-since-1957-self-image-fashion-weight-health-sizes-positive-a7633036.html

Yes, I thank my lucky stars that I am pretty oblivious to other's impressions of me, with a healthy dose of self-esteem and superiority to boot. So if my weight is high or low, that's nobody's business but mine.

It's helped me out of no end of tricky situations, but most especially it seems excruciating to constantly assume that people are thinking about and judging you.

Well you only really have to look at some of the numerous threads on here and see how the majority of mumsnetters post about anyone remotely overweight to see that there is definitely truth in what you're saying

Just because size 16 is the average doesn’t mean it’s ok. Your suggestion would normalise being overweight.

Hi op, I know this isn't exactly the asame sthing but I am treated differently depending on how my hair is!!! I have naturally coily, fuzzy hair. I dont straighten it very much now because it did so much damage but when I do..men hold doors open for me or beep when driving past... the children I work with tell me I'm pretty like you, girls will compliment my hair. Then when I have it curly, I am ignored. Overlooked.

Its mad.... I noticed it years ago and really see the difference.

Absolutely true! Was a slim child/teenager then piled into n the weight in my 20/30's and have now lost a significant amount of weight in my 40's. I was treated completely differently when i was overweight compared to now! Ignored, treated with contempt and indifference and now im noticed and heard! Its wrong but it is the way things are!

Fascinated by this response! I mean, not only is it not true because attitudes towards fatness have always varied historically and culturally, suggesting it's more to do do with the conditioning of societal norms but also - if you truly believe humans have an instinctive response of distaste and unkindness towards the unhealthy do you extend this to sick and disabled people too?? Do you, @Letsgetouttahere2023 , treat them badly because your evolutionary programming tells you to?

Remember archaeologists finding an ancient skeleton of a woman with a broken leg and deducing that someone had nursed her and cared for her until her death? They established that in a primitive, prehistoric society early humans looked after their ill and injured. They didn't have some 'evolutionary response' to leave them to die. From the very beginning, our ability to show compassion and empathy is one of the things that marks us out as human.

(Shame that seems to have bypassed this poster!)

I have a neighbour who treats me as if I have a learning disability. I've never heard her speak to anyone else like this. She always tilts her head and has a simpering, patronising smile and tone. Now I just smile and ignore her but a typical exchange from the early days went like this...

Helllooooo, and where are you off to today?
Work
Ohhhhhh, that's nice. It's good that you have a job. Gets you out of the house doesn't it. Keeps you busy.
Yes
Ohhhh, you drive as well?
Yes

Off I go to my £60k job that needs a masters degree

Dickheads treat you differently. Good people treat you the same.

Yes this thread alone has revealed how unpleasant some people are towards larger people. Doesn't matter what we are like as people. Doesn't matter how much we give back to world through or work or volunteering or caring responsibilities. Doesn't matter whether we are kind or funny. To some we are instantly seen as lesser purely based on appearance.

Having been slim most of my life, I am quite confident I am just as worthy of respect now. Not least because I continue to volunteer regularly and do a very full time job that makes a huge difference to people's lives, while battling debilitating disability and a heavy schedule of medication.

Agreed

I would be so disappointed if my parents treated me differently if my weight changed

I definitely notice a difference in reactions to being a size 12 to a 20.

I’ve fluctuated a fair bit over the last few years because of bad mental health and am currently at my biggest. Everyone pretends I don’t exist or I’m condescended to. I can’t even go to the gym without people treating me like I’m Typhoid Mary. I want to get fit and I’m laughed at for enquiring about fit classes. Ridiculous.

So...have you read the OP? What she's saying is that when she gains weight, people are horrible to her including her parents. In what way does that equate to a looking glass world where being fat is treated as intentional and desirable? If it was, the OP wouldn't experience this treatment. So don't worry, we aren't living in the imaginary world you fear!

No one on the thread is arguing that being overweight is a good thing - the argument is that it's not pleasant to be treated poorly because of it.

I know there is a contingent of posters on MN who truly believe the way to get people to lose weight is to ensure they feel ashamed and awful about it. That by keeping fatness stigmatised and fighting against any accommodation of it in society is the way to conquer it. All I can tell you, is that shame and self-disgust is not a motivator for most people to treat themselves well and make their bodies healthy. It actually encourages self-destructive behaviour and ultimately leads to more weight gain in the long term.

This thread is about treating everyone with respect; I can't understand why some people want to defend the right to be cruel instead.

When people are very overweight (size 16 upwards) they're often perceived as less smart/mentally stable because it can indicate a lack of self-control or mental instability. Everyone who can read knows how to lose weight and the health dangers of over-eating, so the inability to maintain a relatively healthy weight is in itself unattractive both physically and personality-wise.

Yes someone looked astonished the other day when I mentioned in passing that I did a particular sport (it was relevant to the conversation). In fact I am incredibly accomplished at that sport and competed all over the country until I got ill. I love sport and being active, and push through my illness more than I should because I love exercising so much.

And a few months ago someone used me in a meeting as an example of someone who wasn't a gym goer and I am afraid I called them out on it publicly (I actually have two gym memberships because I love swimming and that means I can go at whatever time best fits each day ) . They were suitably apologetic at least

You missed out the words "by ignorant people" after the words "often perceived".

My weight gain was caused by steroids, I was slim my whole life until then. I am losing weight easily now I am tapering off the steroids. But if you want to think of me as stupid more fool you (I have two first class degrees and a high flying job)

Evolution doesn't give a stuff about culture etc, so you're wrong to quote such things. In fact evolution itself does it's best to reduce obesity by making obese people less likely to conceive and more likely to die of numerous causes early. So in fact it is you (Escape...) that has no idea what you are talking about.

Hey, guess what, fat haters? Fat people don't owe you thinness. We don't have to show our compliance to your agenda by restricting food all the time. We don't have to apologise for our existence. It doesn't actually matter how we got fat, we are not obliged to put life on hold until we are thin enough to deserve to live again.