Sisters in law

[Facing40andfrazzled]

My bil started dating a girl about 3 years ago both are in their early 20s and the youngest in both families… Ashley( not her real name) was lovely to begin with but over time I noticed a slight hostility to me and my dh which gradually increased and spread to dh other siblings and their partners … they are getting married in 3 months and here lies the problems ….my lovely daughter was initially told she was flower girl we said we would pay for her dress etc to help out which we did the dress arrived and Ashley asked to see it on my girl …she looked beautiful and was so happy with the fairy style dress that had been selected by Ashley … 2 days later I get a text from As mother how dare I over dress my brat taking attention away from A and that was not the dress agreed on ….next was a call from my mil followed by all 3 other Sil berating me for spoiling As wedding by picking a totally ott dress for my girl ….now my girl has been removed from the wedding party and I have not been invited to any of the 5 hen parties/ bridal showers … the latest attack happened at a family dinner where dh my girl my 2 sons and myself were torn to shreds by his family …we are snobs we are selfish we think we are special with our big house and fancy cars …we have our own business that we worked our butts off to make successful….I stood up and said that was it we were done with her and her poisonous spite and we all left the problem is we agreed to host her wedding party on our property and I just want to say no get a new venue but dh says that would be descending to her level and we should be the bigger people …AIBU if i want us to descend to that level

I would absolutely let them use the field. After I’d arrange for some muck spreading the day before.

sorry they don’t get to slate you, your family and home then get to use it. Fuck thay

The most beneficial time to manure a field is the week before Assley's wedding, whenever that is. Renting an angry bull is also good for the field as long as it is fenced in.

You’re a bloody fool if you let them use it.

AAwww!!! Poor Assley! I feel so sorry for her.

Oops, nope, sorry! That wasn't feeling sorry for her. It was just a little flare up of my IBS that reminded me of her.

Dear Assley,
As I am sure you already know; treating my DD and me like shite has consequences. The main consequence is that you can fuckity-fuck-fuck off using my property. I am sure there is a field of manure somewhere that will fit your personality. Now, go off and find it.
Feel free to share this note with your family and future in laws since they can also fuckity-fuck-fuck right off with you.
Sincerely,
Facing40andSTILLdoingbetterthanyou

Wait until the week before the wedding and tell them the field cannot possibly be used because a rare moss has been discovered and its endangered. Such a shame 🤷🏻‍♀️

… we know if we take back the venue she will drag us through the mud which is why my husband wants to just let her have the field let others see we are not the problem and then just get on with our lives and ignore the lot of them but I am so incensed I just want to be petty and mean for once …

She will drag you through the mud regardless, so there is no benefit to you if you let her have the field. I would cut off the lot of them, the entire family sounds like a nest of vipers, and ‘ashley’ fits right in.

Are you sure your NVDH has your back concerning them using your holiday home? Do any of them have a key to it? I would plan to be there just to make sure they don't use it anyway under the "better to ask for forgiveness than permission" umbrella.

They have ALREADY dragged you through the mud, crapped on you and hurt your DD and your DSDH thinks letting them use the field will make it better? FFS He REALLY needs to grow a set and learn to protect and stand up for his wife and daughter.

It is NOT petty and mean. Assley, the families and her fiance have made their bed. Now they can all lie in it and enjoy that which they have wrought.

OP's DSDH---STOP being a damn doormat! Protect your wife and daughter and STOP letting your family get away with bullying YOUR DD! Grow a damn set dud(e)!

If you let them use the field (and I might) I’d make sure the doors to your house are locked so they aren’t using it as a staging area.

I would also have them sign a rental document to leave it as they found it. They are going to destroy it for fun otherwise. This way, if they do so, you can hopefully sue them for breach of contract

And a bathroom, dressing room and everything else they want, including prepping the field, early access, help setting up. The list is probably endless and Assley seems to think everyone should bow to her wants and wishes (and too many people are doing just that).

Not sure why posters cannot see that it goes to more than the venue. It's using her house too if people need the loo, need to wash hands, get dressed, etc. If they go away and lock up the house, you know they will just break in and use it against them, again. Assley and the others are not people one can reason or win over by being a doormat . I am betting they will expect OP and her DSDH to get the field ready and let them have access for days before the wedding to set up. It's a cluster-fuck in the making and will end up FUBARed by the time it's over. And who will get the blame? OP and HER family. Not worth the risk.

And what will the bride use for a dressing room? A bathroom for her and the guests? Water for washing something? Where to start being "walked down the aisle"? Prep on the field? Early access to decorate, store the crap until the wedding day in case of rain?
Do you REALLY think Assley and company won't just break into OP's house, use their stuff and/or steal them blind and then turn around and blame THEM for leaving?

I wouldn't honour the offer to let them use your field
But, if you feel you have to, then make sure you're in your house when they're setting up, when the wedding is happening and when they're packing up.

You need to make sure they don't take the piss any more than they already have, and clear up all their shit when they've finished.

I really can't seeing them respecting your property as they've already shown very clearly that they have no respect for you at all.

I would let them use the field so she can’t point to that for the next 20 years and blame you for her wedding day problems. When the family wake up to her crazy and apologise you will be happy you took the high road. It takes a special type of a**hole to disinvite a child from the bridal party. Agree with others close the gates, leave a friend house sitting to ensure no dropping into yours on the day and head off for the weekend. Yikes for your BIL

I didn't even think about the catering and the garbage that would entail. I agree with everything you said. The caterer will need a place to prep (the house or electricity), people will need to do a set-up, parking will be all over their property and trashing their yard and everything else and OP and family have to stay to make sure they don't break in and destroy everything, while being used and excluded.

OP--I would tell your DSDH that if allows it, you cannot promise what will happen to your marriage. The resentment WILL build, from you and your DD because DH/Daddy didn't protect us or stick up for us, HIS family.

Go no contact with all the bastards
Do not let them on your field or in your house
End

You will have a big clean up… is your dh prepared to do this? I’d ask him how much damage he thinks their guests can do and how he will fix it. Fences… the house will have to be locked up so they will have to hire a portaloo, if it’s clear that all repairs and clean up of what’s left behind is up to your dh then I’d have your dh tell them 1. The house will be locked and they need a toilet, and 2. that if they badmouth you one more time the field is not available, and you tell him you will personally torch the field, pay for a few truckloads of rubbish to be dumped on it and scatter poison if he doesn’t tell them that.

Very few insurances would cover it I bet. Especially with no security and the OP and family "not allowed" there. What do you want to bet that if her DSDH does grow a set and tell them "no" to the property that they will get "re-invited", only to be cast aside at the last minute/during the shit-show wedding?

Plus, I am sure they are expecting access to the house, bathrooms, kitchen, bedrooms and everywhere else. I would not trust Assley as far as I could throw her and several feet less than that.

Yes I agree @LuckyPeonies. She has you in her sight now @Facing40andfrazzled and there isn’t anything you can do to improve things or smooth things over. In fact any concessions made will give her more ammunition not less, especially if this is about her envy of your life. The only way to manage her is to offer nothing and grey rock her. She sounds like she is totally focussed on the wedding circus and if she’s is as unpleasant as she sounds then she probably won’t be married for long and will out herself as the problem while you keep silent.

Your DH is a fool if he thinks taking the moral high ground will help (aka being a doormat). I put money on you not being the first person she’s turned on and you want be the last, but that’s for your family to find out in due course. Definitely say no and then distance yourself from them all.

I would tell them to find a different location, and do it as soon as possible so that they can get on with it and not blame you if they have to start looking at the last moment.

This is true. If phrased appropriately to the insurer, they will explicitly say it's not included in the cover, likely to even put it in writing for you. Unfortunately, you could get separate events insurance to cover this, more expensive with hosts unable to attend. The insurance could be blamed, but at least one of the family might suggest events insurance so you need an answer ready. You would have to run around a few company quote forms to locate a cover that works, which might be considerable time and expense. Easier to just say no.

You have to tell them they can't use your land as a result of her awful behaviour. Anything else is just being a doormat.

I'm a cow so I'd leave it a few weeks before telling them. But the mature thing to do is to tell them asap.

Pleeeease come back and keep us informed! And not just about your decision now ... I'll be thinking about this until October!
No advice from me - Mumsnet has spoken!

Your husbands moral high ground is to tolerate a Jeremy Kyle episode involving his family and child?

How unattractive.

Absolutely no way would this be going ahead with these dregs of society type.

For business owners I would have thought he would be well versed in public liability insurance and how vulnerable you both would be if anything were to happen on your property.

A fall, twisted ankle, anything could happen.

Check this out with your insurance company, asking for exactly what your existing policy covers you for hosting a wedding etc.

You also would be liable for the catering staff.

Unless I'm missing something and you have a big expensive existing policy for these types of events, you are both being spectacularly naive.

Check this out thoroughly and I imagine what you will be told will be the perfect exit from this.

I wouldn't trust a liar like her not to encourage someone to make an opportunistic claim against you both.

Do not do this.

No way Hose!!

What sort of person gets upset by what a little girl wears to a wedding??

Tell DH you’re putting your foot down on this one and the field is no longer available. I agree with others that she’s likely to try to sue you for a non-existent accident and you don’t need that next level of drama.

OP what have you decided to do?

I wouldn’t host them, wouldn’t go to the wedding, and would have nothing more to do with any of them. From the second they kicked off about a dress my CHILD was wearing and called her a brat, I’d be done. How insecure do you have to be to worry that a child will upstage the bride?! Jealousy like that is poisonous. Keep your children away.