AIBU to ask them to provide for their child when in my care

[Hmmokthen]

New here please bare with me. So me and Ex DH have 3 DC together after the first 2DC and 10years together we separated briefly for a few months and then decided to give it another go. During the time we were separated he got someone else pregnant.

Ok I wasn't doing cartwheels over it but it happened. During the pregnancy I fell pregnant. (when both were born there would be 7months age gap)

When his DC was born they started staying with us 50% of the time while they were with us we provided everything milk, nappies,wipes, clothes pushchair literally everything they needed. I didn't have a problem with this I believe you should provide for your kids. I was the primary caregiver when they were with us again I didn't have a problem with this it was my choice.

This continued throughout my pregnancy and after my last DC was born. When last DC was 3months old DH and myself decided our relationship really wasn't working and we would be better to go out separate ways the split was pretty amicable.

His DC from the time we were previously separated continued to come stay with me and her siblings 3-4days a week which I am happy about as we have such a good bond and I see them as my bonus child.

I'm absolutely fine with this to continue however it's now been 6months since we separated and neither of her bio parents have sent anything when they come to stay no nappies no milk not even a spare set of clothing.

I'm getting really fed up with this. Ex DH provides bare minimum for any of DC and the minimum he does provide will be a bag if shopping every now and again (I don't ask him for shopping and most of what he brings I usually already have in) times are hard and it's struggle enough to feed cloth and provide for 3DC without having to provide everything for a fourth.

I am more than happy for my bonus DC to keep staying 3-4 days a week but think that her bio parents should be providing for them while they are with me AIBU?

OP, to answer your question YWNBU to request the baby’s parents to supply all of her food, clothing and nappies.

You should also apply for CMS for your own children. Don't let this man away with not providing for his children.

I feel really sad for you OP. You are being a doormat. You are giving your ex and the woman he impregnated free 24hr childcare for half their week. Do these 2 live together now? Has she got other children? This is not a normal situation.

Sorry have you lost your mind? 3-4 times a week! You should be getting bloody parental maintenance.

OF COURSE they should be providing for you. You are now the unpaid skivvy ffs. Your ex should be giving you money AND food and nappies and clothing

Jesus grow a spine

YANBU

However I do think your arrangement needs to be formalised as this is more like kinship care at this level than helping your ex husband figure things out.

Fostering like this is fine and you do not have to inform CSS unless you have safety concerns about the child's other grown-ups. However you might want to get in touch with https://frg.org.uk/ to get advice and protect your bond with this baby.

It is absolutely correct that ex H should give you money for all 4 children in this setting.

Well have you asked for these things?

They may think you have everything all sorted (it certainly sounds like you do) so it’s a no brainer 🤷‍♀️

Just tell them they need to provide for their child/children and from Monday (whatever day) they need to bring with them (make a list) these things. Otherwise, you cannot guarantee care for said child. If they let you down 3 times, stop enabling them.

I’m sorry but this is your doing. Why have you not got some proper child maintenance in place. Plus you choose to have this child that isn’t yours. You sound like a martyr.

Sounds like he should withdraw on a more regular basis.

There seems to be a lot of people calling you a doormat here and to a certain extent i agree you need to address the financial aspects minimum, but I'd like to say how lucky that little one is having at least one person that is keen to have them and allowing that sibling bond to thrive.

@Hmmokthen you actually sound a lovely and decent human being and I’m glad your bonus child has you in their life.
I would tell them you will continue with the father paying for child care when you return to work and you want X a month for food etc or they will have to Live with the father full time. Which he’ll decline but you’ll have your money hopefully and continue with the child. I wouldn’t be surprised that as they get older if mum is so uninterested that they ask to live with you full time.

OP - said in the kindest way. You have deliberately tried to avoid using gender pronouns, often saying “they” but you referred to this child as a her.
Can I hazard a guess that you have 3 boys and consider this daughter as the bonus child ( daughter ) you never had. Sorry if I am mistaken over that.

This situation is a real mess and someone, you, her or her siblings are going to get hurt when mother decides she wants her back. I would definitely speak to SS - this situation is not right.

My other children are 2 girls and a boy

I have nothing to add op but you are a fucking saint and maybe a bit nuts. They definitely should make a contribution for her. Poor kid.

I think it’s lovely that you do this and the kids will appreciate it when they are older.
you really need to speak to your ex and get a decent and fair maintenance payment for all the children. x

Strange question, but have you tried asking the mum for nappies, milk if she's on it and some money for food?

Could you not adopt the child that isn’t yours ?

I've not read the full thread so forgive me if this has been brought up already but i think to give you some protection and legal standing maybe try and get a free half hour session with a solicitor to find out your options. you might want to see if you can agree a parental responsibility order. if something were to happen to your dsc whilst in your care and you couldn't get hold of parents you wouldn't be able to consent to medical care on their behalf etc. i don't know off hand whether from that you would also gain right to apply for any CM, but certainly if someone stopped this arrangement you would be in a far better position to take it to court and ask for an order if you had some rights now (assuming that's what you'd want to do to preserve the sibling relationship). what you're doing is amazing.

You are just on the right side of teh law with this OP. You say you sometimes have the child for as long as three weeks. After 28 days I think you're technically a private foster carer and have to inform the council. You would not count as a close relative I don't think, even though this child is related to yours. Also as others have said what if the child is taken seriously ill or has an accident - you can't sign hospital forms? For both your sakes you need legal advice and to get this on a formal footing.

"Private fostering
You’re a private foster carer if both the following apply:

you’re not a close relative, ie grandparent, brother or sister, uncle or aunt or step-parent
you’re looking after a child who’s under 16 (under 18 if they’re disabled) for more than 28 days in a row
You must tell your local council about this arrangement.

What to expect
A social worker will visit you and the child to make sure the child is safe and being properly cared for.

The social worker will do background checks on you. They can also offer help and support.

You must tell your local council if you’re a parent and you’ve asked someone who isn’t a close relative to look after your child."

See here for more info

https://www.gov.uk/looking-after-someone-elses-child

YABU to take on this other woman's child so much when you aren't even with the father. They need to get their acts together and provide for their child. The bonus child as you put it, can see your children when they are with their father. No need for your involvement at all, they are taking you for a mug.

Like so many others have said, why are you looking after this child more than their parents??? Time to step up and start asking for supplies at the very least, reducing the amount of time is of course up to you but it does seem excessive!

I want to commend you for your ability to care for this child as your own. I'm not going to tell you what to do since that is not what you asked. The world would be a better place if there were more people like you. Thank you. You should be paid for the child's food and clothing. TBH your EXH should be providing at least all of the food for your household. The 4 children are all his.

This.

I am glad the child has you As your ex and his baby mama sound useless but you don't have to be a mug to be kind.

heavens!!! do you have MUG tattooed on your forehead!!! why are you looking after a child who is not related to you in anyway??? you need your head checked out!

This. They are playing you for an utter fool.

My thoughts:
Op you should change your name to Mother Teresa.
Claim child support- go through the CSA ( or whatever they are now called.)
Yes ask for nappies, milk and whatever else you need.

This exactly. I think you’re doing a wonderful thing and right by all children but it needs to be formalised. Please speak with HV/SS and seek legal advice to make the arrangements official for all of your sakes.