AIBU to ask them to provide for their child when in my care

[Hmmokthen]

New here please bare with me. So me and Ex DH have 3 DC together after the first 2DC and 10years together we separated briefly for a few months and then decided to give it another go. During the time we were separated he got someone else pregnant.

Ok I wasn't doing cartwheels over it but it happened. During the pregnancy I fell pregnant. (when both were born there would be 7months age gap)

When his DC was born they started staying with us 50% of the time while they were with us we provided everything milk, nappies,wipes, clothes pushchair literally everything they needed. I didn't have a problem with this I believe you should provide for your kids. I was the primary caregiver when they were with us again I didn't have a problem with this it was my choice.

This continued throughout my pregnancy and after my last DC was born. When last DC was 3months old DH and myself decided our relationship really wasn't working and we would be better to go out separate ways the split was pretty amicable.

His DC from the time we were previously separated continued to come stay with me and her siblings 3-4days a week which I am happy about as we have such a good bond and I see them as my bonus child.

I'm absolutely fine with this to continue however it's now been 6months since we separated and neither of her bio parents have sent anything when they come to stay no nappies no milk not even a spare set of clothing.

I'm getting really fed up with this. Ex DH provides bare minimum for any of DC and the minimum he does provide will be a bag if shopping every now and again (I don't ask him for shopping and most of what he brings I usually already have in) times are hard and it's struggle enough to feed cloth and provide for 3DC without having to provide everything for a fourth.

I am more than happy for my bonus DC to keep staying 3-4 days a week but think that her bio parents should be providing for them while they are with me AIBU?

OP is emotionally attached which is understandable.

Wow, you sound incredible and very much seems like this little girl is very lucky to have you in her life! It’s an unusual situation as others have said but that’s life sometimes, unpredictable things happen. I don’t know re the formalities of everything. I guess you returning to work is a big thing and needs to be addressed with parents asap so as they know and can plan. My only concern is that when you’re ‘less useful to them’ they will completely withdraw and you won’t see little one as much which will be difficult to manage as sounds like you are very attached to her and she you! I don’t think you are unreasonable to ask for nappies and clothes etc. surely her parents would need to pack a similar bag for her when she’s at nursery the two days

I don't blame you for wanting to give the kid a decent chance. The situation is beyond fucked up but you seem to be the only adult in that child's life who cares about stability and meeting the child's needs. It's an incredibly generous thing for you to do.

I don't quite know what you are asking us for, though. You are an intelligent woman - you know it's not unreasonable to ask the parents of the child to provide for their own child. You also know that they are unlikely to - you know your exH isn't really going to provide much as he doesn't for the children that you have with him (side note, do get yourself a full panel of STD checks please, he is clearly careless about protection), and you know the woman isn't going to much either - even if her attitude magically changes she's not going to have much money to spare. In theory she (and he) should have more than one set of clothes for the child, so I would insist that the child gets sent with enough changes of clothes for the days and nights that you have them, and either enough nappies too or a £10 note to cover them, wipes and food for the 4 days. Make it clear that if he turns up without you will refuse to accept him on that occasion AND FOLLOW THROUGH WITH IT. Every time. You won't want to do that in case you lose access to him but trust me, you won't, they value their free time and free childcare too much.

Another option to seriously consider is would you be able to legally become his carer/guardian?

The third option is to cut all ties with him now, before it gets harder. Better for you both while he is still this young than later on down the line. But I think you need to think it all through properly (and have some counselling or therapy too) and make your decision now and stick to it.

I can see why so many people are saying you're a mug/lack boundaries etc, but I can also see why you're doing it. If I could afford to subsidise him, and accept that it might mean less money to go around your own children but that you can manage, that is what I would end up doing if it were me.

(sorry, I misremembered that the little girl was a boy)

It's really not clear what your motives are for doing this.
This child is not your child.
You are very dismissive of the real parents ability to cope with the child but you seem hostile to getting authorities involved.
This is a really odd and troubling situation and I don't think you are doing the child any favors here.

I suggest you contact Kinship charity for advice on family and friend carers. You could become a special guardian. As the parents are so detached / irresponsible I wouldn’t hold out much hope they will hand over money or give up the child’s benefits so if this is what you want you would have to look at routes to legally formalise the situation.

This is a very odd post. If the "bonus" children stay with you 3-4 days a week that doesn't give them much time with their actual parents. Does bio dad have them by himself at all or does he count the time you have them as his days?

Op you're a wonderful person. I understand the feeling of being heartbroken by this child and you're doing an admirable thing here. You need to have a frank conversation with the ex and mum. How much can they do, how much can you do. Could adoption or fostering be an option. Fostering option will pay you, and your ex can arrange reduced fee childcare that way. This ex needs to pay maintenence in any case for all his kids.

You're not thinking about the child in all this. Not long-term. The baby needs to be with her mother and other siblings. Even if that means she gets farmed out to friends and her half-siblings' fathers, because at the end of day you have no say, no control, and if either of her legal parents stops this arrangement it is the child who will suffer by being taken away from you and your children. That isn't fair.

@Hmmokthen I’m so glad the world has people like you. Thank you for looking out for this poor baby- I hope you have these important conversations with their birth parents and work out formal arrangements for both care and financial support. I would do the same as you in a heartbeat.

Whilst it shouldn’t be necessary, in the short term would it be worth having a word with your own HV about the situation to see if they can help get you the basics? Even a voucher for the food bank might help with nappies (I know our local one often asks for donations of baby things like this)

Very best of luck x

This is one of the most bizarre things I’ve read on here.

You have a child who isn’t even yours stay with you for half the week?! And sometimes for even up to three weeks?!

How old is the child?

I feel incredibly bad for the child but they are taking the absolute piss out of you.

This set-up is wrong on so many levels.

Mug

This is really odd
It's lovely that your DC have regular contact with their half sibling, but you are not the half siblings parent and at the most they could meet for a day out or similar and you shouldn't be feeding clothing this bonus child no matter how kind hearted you are
Parents are absolute CF's
You do not have PR and it could be heartbreaking if exh stops contact
Legally I would claim CMA for your DC and I think not have the bonus DC
When is the DM actually parenting her own child?!

For the sake of the DC, I think you should report this bizarre situation to SS even just so it's on record

4 Young children in the care of clearly quite a vulnerable person (the OP).

I really hope that Social services get involved. Pronto

Lovely though you clearly are, you and this bonus child have been put in an untenable position.

Unless you have formal and legal arrangements in place, nurseries, schools , doctors etc... will not be able to deal with you regarding this child.

You can't just assume responsibility for the child.
This child is being neglected by his/her parents.
It's imperative that you seek professional advice as soon as possible.

Would you honestly do this? Honestly? Drop a real human child who looks at you with love and trust at the door of a person who has made it clear they aren’t interested and leave them there pending a transfer of funds?

Like a sack of potatoes or bag of rubbish?

If that really truly is a thing you would do, you honestly need to have a word with yourself.

You need to listen to most of the posters here. Report the parents to social services. If you don't then you are allowing the baby's parents to neglect her. Also apply for child support for your three children.

OP you sound truly a kind and lovely person and I understand you saying that if you refuse to look after this child then she will just be passed around and not cared for properly.

But this is madness. You are absolutely being taken advantage of by your ex and the child’s mother. You are essentially a mother figure to this child, but yet you have no parental rights. At any moment she could be taken away from you, and you can bet a lot of money that they’ll be just phoning you up or dropping the child off after you go back to work, causing you stress and affecting your ability to provide for your own kids.

I think you would be best seeing if it’s possible to formally foster/adopt this child and build a life as a family of 5 with some stability. Hopefully with some financial support to go with it. I think it’s actually the best thing you could do for this little one as clearly you’re the closest thing she has to an actual parent.

Oh come on, this is a man OP had THREE children with, she can’t believe he’s that bad

I would be reporting to social services and going for custody. Poor child.

You need to report to social services for the sake of the "bonus child's" maternal siblings (who by your account are being neglected).
You need to get some counselling and accept this child is not yours and concentrate on your own children who have been through a lot.

I totally agree this chaotic situation can't continue, because things are changing and will continue to change (OP going back to work, children reaching school age etc) but I really can't agree with anyone saying the child should go back to the care of their biological parents - who I gather were only together for approximately the 5 minutes it took to conceive the child - in order to force them to look after them. Just having responsibility for a child does not in itself make a crap parent into an adequate one. We've all seen reports on tragic cases where SS themselves returned a child to bio parents in this mistaken expectation. These awful incidents are fortunately uncommon, but many, many childhoods are ruined by parents who just don't care.

Kinship fostering as someone mentioned above sounds like an appropriate route to consider, and if it can be done with the parents' consent it would be so much smoother. I don't think reporting the child to SS is necessarily the way forward. I suggested in an earlier post approaching them anonymously for advice on what could be done. Sometimes it's better they don't get involved, although in my only experience they were happy to lend their authority to an acceptable compromise brokered by another agency.

Op
I think your absolutely wonderful human being and I think people need to remember you've bonded to this child since she was born and have a special relationship regardless of weather your any kind of blood relation, the birth mum doesn't sound the best but is she reasonable maybe appease to her better nature and explain that since you and your ex have parted ways and he isn't financially supporting your children you are struggling with spiralling cost and you would be greatly for some supply's to be sent for your step child hopefully she isn't a complete monster 2ho doesn't care,
As for the ex well he needs to step up on his days off start ofr by having the kids for a day if he doesn't already then a nightly stay if he is able to actually look after babies over night some men are not,
But doesn't let the negative comments hurt your beautiful kind soul your an angel and I have the most respect and admiration for you how you have handled literally everything and if none of the parents won't to step up I would always pay for nappies milk ect of you need it ❤️ sounds like mum enjoys the money she gets for having kids and not actually having her kids