AIBU to ask them to provide for their child when in my care

[Hmmokthen]

New here please bare with me. So me and Ex DH have 3 DC together after the first 2DC and 10years together we separated briefly for a few months and then decided to give it another go. During the time we were separated he got someone else pregnant.

Ok I wasn't doing cartwheels over it but it happened. During the pregnancy I fell pregnant. (when both were born there would be 7months age gap)

When his DC was born they started staying with us 50% of the time while they were with us we provided everything milk, nappies,wipes, clothes pushchair literally everything they needed. I didn't have a problem with this I believe you should provide for your kids. I was the primary caregiver when they were with us again I didn't have a problem with this it was my choice.

This continued throughout my pregnancy and after my last DC was born. When last DC was 3months old DH and myself decided our relationship really wasn't working and we would be better to go out separate ways the split was pretty amicable.

His DC from the time we were previously separated continued to come stay with me and her siblings 3-4days a week which I am happy about as we have such a good bond and I see them as my bonus child.

I'm absolutely fine with this to continue however it's now been 6months since we separated and neither of her bio parents have sent anything when they come to stay no nappies no milk not even a spare set of clothing.

I'm getting really fed up with this. Ex DH provides bare minimum for any of DC and the minimum he does provide will be a bag if shopping every now and again (I don't ask him for shopping and most of what he brings I usually already have in) times are hard and it's struggle enough to feed cloth and provide for 3DC without having to provide everything for a fourth.

I am more than happy for my bonus DC to keep staying 3-4 days a week but think that her bio parents should be providing for them while they are with me AIBU?

You sound like your heart is in the right place but your head absolutely is not. You need to get legal advice immediately and consider as pp have said kinship care, fostering etc. to make it a formal, legal arrangement.

So far all you’ve said is you want them to provide clothing and nappies but your head is up in the clouds: what they are doing is very wrong, but you to protect your own interests by caring for this child legally only, otherwise cut ties.

This child is likely going to end up with attachment issues and while you think you are helping, the DM could withdraw contact at any time if she feels like it or moves away. Then what happens? You and her siblings are left bereft/devastated etc, but the situation could have been avoided if you’d done the right thing and involved official agencies to sort this mess out.

If you ignore what the majority of posters are saying then heartbreak lies this way ➡️

Well, you're doing something absolutely incredible and I don't think you're a doormat - you're caring for a child you love because no one else will.

That being said, I don't really understand what's going on here. Is it a genuine question? Are you really uncertain about whether asking for them to provide clothes and nappies is unreasonable? I can't really believe that, so what's the real question? It seems you've recognised that the parents are emotionally abusive, neglectful and unwilling to financially support their child, yet for some reason you're digging your heels in over a this fraction of what you must spend caring for their child...

A few other people have said that you have to accept or cut ties and I think I agree. They aren't going to change and where will arguing over this money get you? Someone mentioned that you could adopt. Do you think the parents might actually be open to this considering how little they care? Could you discuss it with children's services? I just worry that if you don't make it official and move away or something you'll either end up in relentless and fruitless battles with the parents or have to just let them roll over you forever. I'm not sure either would be good for you or any of the children involved. I think the reason other people are so aghast is that they can't imagine taking this kind of risk with their family's happiness for someone else's child, but clearly you love them.

I'm sorry you're in this situation and I'm sure there's much more context. Well done on being a decent human. Good luck.

OP I can't believe the way some people are speaking to you! Calling you unkind names and telling you to hand the child back. You have obviously bonded with her and see her as one of your own. You are doing what you believe is best for her. Please carry on as she clearly needs you!!

To address your question though you are absolutely not being unreasonable to ask for help feeding and clothing her when she is with you. I think you know you at least need to sort out child maintenance for your 3 biological children as there is no excuse for him not paying you that and support with funds for food/clothes etc for the other one is more than reasonable too.

Nobody can be this naive surely. Not even on MN.

Echoing what PP said about the legal aspect of this, you are teetering on the edge of private fostering, and are risking the stability of all of the children by doing so. If the parents are so uninterested you need to formalise this arrangement with a parental order or some other legal means. Otherwise you are leaving yourself and the child in a very vulnerable position and potentially the parents could cut contact any time and you would have no recourse. Which would be awful for.all of the children involved as well as you. Clearly neither of the other adults involved are going to behave like and adult so you're going to have to. Get legal advice and act on it asap

You are amazing and the sort of person every child should have looking out for them. The world needs more people like you x

Oh dear. I can see you really love this little one op, but like others I don’t see this situation ending well. Her parents need to step up and start properly providing care for her or you need to get some formal arrangement in place so you get some rights and power around her upbringing. It seems like a very unstable situation for the little baby. Possibly your willingness to help has allowed the parents to slack off. Was your ex really so awful that he wouldn’t care for his own child if you didn’t?

You say she was with you for 3 weeks once? That’s not far from being an informal fostering arrangement that the local authority should be notified about (if you are in England).

you say they will need to pay for childcare when your maternity leave ends? Surely if she’s ends up in child care, and once she gets ‘free hours’ the parents need to send her to you will lessen.

Op, were you married to your ex? If so, how advanced is the divorce process? For your own sake and that of your children stop being the main cater of this child.

You have no legal right over this kid, I bet he wouldn’t hesitate to force you into an unfavourable separation/divorce agreement by threatening to stop you seeing the child. This will break everybody’s hearts.

Many women offer to “help out” men who are on their own to care for the kid on their contact day. This is not helpful or healthy, it prevents the father from taking responsibility, learn to parent properly on their own and just keep them in a bubble where they start living as if they were childless and free of responsibilities, do not enable this behaviour, it is bad for everyone including your SD.

You are not a mug, and you are not the only one. The world is full of “helpful” mums, grandmothers, aunties, sisters, friends, girlfriends and partners stupidly enabling irresponsible men (and women) to become even less responsible.

Erm, that would be a hard no from me.

So when does the child see her father if she is with you 3 days a week? Utterly bizarre. You seriously need to think about the legal side of this.

The child is what 16 months.

I'd actually worry about your children getting very attached then one day the parents say nope your not having contact anymore

Sorry, but stop milking it!

You really need to stop thinking of this child as your bonus child. She has zero to do with you. You are an unpaid childminder who has become emotionally attached to a client's child. You have no rights, legal or otherwise, to this child. You are allowing your own children to become emotionally attached to this child who can be taken away at any moment when there is not a thing you can do about it. They are siblings, yes, but their relationship is only being enabled because her parents are allowing it. You need to pull your head out of the sand and accept responsibility for your part in all this and start to manage everyone's expectations better to minimise the hurt ahead.

What do you see as being the answer here @Hmmokthen? I think you are truly amazing to be doing what you're doing. The advice upthread to contact kinship/special guardianship organisations such as the family rights group: https://frg.org.uk/ will be really helpful to you in deciding what to do. They'll help you get informed about what would happen if social services do get involved and how to protect what's in the child's best interests, which quite frankly sounds like you carrying on what you're doing in a formal way! As they get older they will need to have a sense of permanency with their primary carer, and that appears to be you! The child deserves your relationship to be formalised as much as you do. I'm certain social services will see it that way too. Please do chat it over with an organisation who can help advise you.
💐

Op your a saint!

I'm not denying that this situation is in any way normal and I wouldn’t be happy to do it but I can see why you are.

At the end of the day you are providing stability to a child who clearly desperately needs it. An extreme example but whenever you hear a horrible case in the news of a child being severely neglected with the worst outcome there’s always an immediate outcry. People rushing to state they’d have taken them in and given them the love they deserve. Then there’s the flip side… a woman who has taken a child in from what sounds like completely hopeless parents and it’s suddenly ‘you’re a mug who’s being taken for a fool’.

As I said it’s not what I’d to but I can’t deny your heart is in the right place! I really hope you get the financial side of things sorted, you’re doing a lovely thing for that little girl.

You sound like a lovely person in a difficult situation, I don't think that makes you a mug, kid's lucky to have you around

Some people DGAF, everyone has to pick up the pieces they leave behind to prevent children being damaged mentally. Legally how does one sort this? And how can you afford legal costs. Lots of people saying husband is a shit in this case, but HOW can it be sorted. Sensible and practical solutions please (cynically I expect silence, nil practical suggestions). I have non! My experience of child proceedings tells me te system is broke, I got what I wanted, bur at exorbitant cost.

As others have said. Sort child maintenance for your 3 children and I’d be putting in a claim for the 4 th child too.
mits a very strange arrangement…. I’m assuming they both see you as free childcare ? Cheaper than a nursery ?? Ofcourse they should be sending milk, nappies etc. send a text saying that you expect nappies, clothes etc and childcare payments for the child. Better they withdraw her now than later when everyone is attached. When does the father see his 4 children? If you have the daughter 4 days does the bio dad have her 2 and the bio mum the other 2?? It’s VERY odd!!

You are clearly being kind and loving to this child.
When does this child see his/her biological mother?

I admire OPs ability to give unconditional love to the bonus child. maybe she should look into adoption.

It is possible to represent yourself in childcare proceedings and organisations like frg would likely support all the way in a case like this. In some cases you can apply for Pro bono support, especially as legal aid seems to be almost a thing of the past. I would think social services would support op as parents are pretty much chocolate fireguards and means they wouldn't have to find Foster carers.

When does the father see his 4 children? If you have the daughter 4 days does the bio dad have her 2 and the bio mum the other 2?? It’s VERY odd!!
Sorry, that makes 8 days!

@Hmmokthen you sound lovely !!
There needs to be more people like you in the world xx
I wonder if you could approach the parents about formerly fostering this child?? Ask social services or local council how to go about this? The parents would still have visitation all rights should they want it but you’d receive a small wage for fostering her??
it isn’t much but would cover childcare when you return to work…
I find it incredible that the mother only has her a few days a week and 2 of them she’s in nursery!! When you return to work she will have to arrange those days in nursery for your working days! You need to have these discussions asap

I’m glad you’re looking after the bonus child OP, it sounds like they have two shitty parents and badly need you.

I would claim child maintenance. Maybe he’ll hide his income and you’ll get nothing - but maybe be won’t. You don’t know until you try.

As to your actual question, if the parents should be providing essentials: I’d say the mother no, as she is providing stuff for 50% of the time and not getting ang maintenance so she rightly expects the father to provide the other 50%.

The problem here is that your ex is a shit who doesn’t pay for his children’s essentials, and that’s not ok.

You sound like a very decent person OP, with all of the children's best interests at heart. This isn't sustainable long term though and they are both mugging you off royally. You need to have the open and honest conversation to say that bonus child won't be able to stay with you any longer if they aren't provide for as they aren't your legal responsibility. Your ex sounds like a real twat too that he's even allowing this and not stepping up for any of his children.