AIBU to ask them to provide for their child when in my care

[Hmmokthen]

New here please bare with me. So me and Ex DH have 3 DC together after the first 2DC and 10years together we separated briefly for a few months and then decided to give it another go. During the time we were separated he got someone else pregnant.

Ok I wasn't doing cartwheels over it but it happened. During the pregnancy I fell pregnant. (when both were born there would be 7months age gap)

When his DC was born they started staying with us 50% of the time while they were with us we provided everything milk, nappies,wipes, clothes pushchair literally everything they needed. I didn't have a problem with this I believe you should provide for your kids. I was the primary caregiver when they were with us again I didn't have a problem with this it was my choice.

This continued throughout my pregnancy and after my last DC was born. When last DC was 3months old DH and myself decided our relationship really wasn't working and we would be better to go out separate ways the split was pretty amicable.

His DC from the time we were previously separated continued to come stay with me and her siblings 3-4days a week which I am happy about as we have such a good bond and I see them as my bonus child.

I'm absolutely fine with this to continue however it's now been 6months since we separated and neither of her bio parents have sent anything when they come to stay no nappies no milk not even a spare set of clothing.

I'm getting really fed up with this. Ex DH provides bare minimum for any of DC and the minimum he does provide will be a bag if shopping every now and again (I don't ask him for shopping and most of what he brings I usually already have in) times are hard and it's struggle enough to feed cloth and provide for 3DC without having to provide everything for a fourth.

I am more than happy for my bonus DC to keep staying 3-4 days a week but think that her bio parents should be providing for them while they are with me AIBU?

You’re not a mug Op or any of the other mean things people are saying, I guess because they’re that, mean spirited people. You are altruistic and kind and that is rare, don’t let anyone take that away from you. I don’t know what you do in this situation but I understand why you do it, for the love and care of a little person. You should be celebrated

100%!!
she’s a saint

YANBU. The parents are one of the biggest pair of CF parents I’ve ever seen on here.

I know you’re happy having the child as much as you do, but you’re being taken advantage of MASSIVELY. And I agree with a pp that it isn’t sustainable long term, and there will come a point where your finances might not stretch far enough to accommodate bonus child, and your own children will need you more. A new pair of school shoes for bonus dc might be a school trip for your DC in years to come.

Honestly, the last thing a lone parent struggling to support three children on her own needs is to try to adopt another one!

It’s great what you do for this child but you are essentially doing your own children as disservice by reducing their time with you, plus the additional funds you spend on a child that is not yours. Think what you could do for them and with them with that extra time and money available if you weren’t running around after a toddler and buying her nappies and other stuff.

The fact the mum let's her very young, still in nappies baby stay with another woman for half the week blows my mind.

Agreed. Who are these absent parents? It sounds like social services needs to be involved honestly.

If this arrangement is for the benefit of the half brothers/sisters then how often are yours invited to go stay at the other woman's house? I suspect not often at all, and this relationship between mothers of half siblings is lop sided, with you doing most of the giving and very little taking

Other woman just likes to ship off all her kids to their various kids dad's for a long weekend so she can go party.
This particular kids dad though can't/won't do any looking after, but his ex wife will, and other woman doesn't care who's doing it, if she can get drunk and high and not have any responsibility then everything's good.
If op stops looking after bonus child then other woman will probably force sperminator to step up instead

The situation sucks

You seem like an amazing person. You clearly have a good bond with this child.

Can you look into foster he/she or something? I'm only saying this as my neighbour has her grandson full time and gets financial help from social services and help with paying the child's nursery. I don't know much about it other than her grandchild's parents got the child took off them.

It sounds like the child is better off with you than he/shes parents.

As you do not have PR for the child, it would be an awkward situation if the child had an accident or was taken ill whilst in your care. This is not the same as a nursery as they would have in loco parentis (sp?). It could even be considered a private fostering arrangement which the local authority would need to investigate.
Whatever the legalities-the child should be the responsibility of its parents. It is not fair on the child, you or your other children.
I hope you get the situation sorted .

Gosh OP this is so strange I don't even know what to think. Doesn't this child have grandparents or other family members who could cover some childcare. I can't believe how neglectful the parents are. What would happen if you were ill, would mother be able to step up then or would she actually neglect/ abandon her child. I'm trying to get my head around if she is just opportunistic or actually damaging. Also you say the child would be passed around to friends - how could she have a circle of friends who would happily mind her child whenever, this makes no sense to me!! (I would like to befriend these people if they would like to help me out occasionally!!)

Totally agree that the bio parents should
be sending their child to you with a minimum of clothes for the stay but they won’t do this & they certainly won’t provide money for food or send food as they don’t care to.

Think long & hard but I think this child deserves stability & you can provide that but financially you can not do that without the child being legally in your care.
For your bonus child’s future & emotional stability someone needs to make a decision regarding where they live full time.
They need to either live with you full time & have contact with their biological parents or live with one of their biological parents full time & visit your home occasionally. This flipping from security & stability to neglect & instability can’t continue as it is not a healthy situation.

As SS are already aware of the neglectful situation the child is coming to you from I can’t see them not backing you if you went for full custody!
As it is their mother is potentially claiming benefits fraudulently with the child being in your care more than theirs even if this is not a court ordered arrangement.

You are doing a wonderful thing welcoming the child & I wish you all good luck for the future X

OP I've absolutely no idea why you're getting a hard time. Some posters just like to be assholes for the sake of it.

I think you're a wonderful person for providing love and stability for that child and for people saying you're a stranger, you've been a mother figure since the child was born!

My SIL did a similar thing, her ex fiance had a child and when they lived to together she raised the child as her own as his mother was not fit and had no contact. When her ex cheated on her he moved him and the child she'd been raising for 5 years in with his new woman. My SIL was heartbroken but still kept a relationship with him and he has always called her mum. She took him every weekend until he turned 12 and wanted to live with her full time. He's 16 now and still living with her. He had a difficult life and she's been the only stability he's ever known. I don't know what would gave happened to him if she had have turned her back on him. He's pretty well rounded and I think that's down to her.

Get these feckless parents to at least provide the basics when they are sending their child to you. It's not your responsibility, they are CFs.

I know right?

Hard to believe that someone would actually love and care for a child they've raised since they were born. Because most people certainly going by this thread are cold, self centred, heartless bastards.

I think people are being very unfair to OP. Her husband had an affair child whilst she was carrying his 3rd child. Whilst caring for her own 2 children, then the 3rd baby she also cared for her husband child to feckless mum. Not only has she bonded with this child, her own 2 older children have got used to having 2 more 'babies' around and do not discriminate. They are both mum n dad's çhildren and part of the family.
Now she's no longer with her husband she isn't going to eject one child from 'the family'. She's continuing to love and care for her 3 bio kids fulltime and her husbands child for half the week. I don't think she feels like a mug or a doormat. I think she has a 'bonus' child, her children's sibling that she cares for very much and wants to continue to do so.
OPs question was around maintenance. The arrangement is unusual. We don't know his earning power but he will likely struggle to to maintain a 3 bedroom home and financially support 4 children. I guess if it's all done through CSA he will he expected to support OPs bio kids. It's debatable who should be paying maintenance for the other child though. Technically it could be that her ex has that child half the week but chooses to place them in OPs care...which would be fine. In that case child's mum should pay maintenance however it doesnt sound like either of them will be in a position to do so.
I'd guess the parents have agreed between them to go for 50/50 custody.
OP have you considered going for full custody? If you're married the child does not automatically 'go to' the bio parent. I'd consider getting legal advice. If nothing else, you'll get the child benefit but more importantly you can make decisions in the child's best interest.
Mum (presumably) may be reluctant to officially give up custody but might consider 'passing on' the child benefit.
Personally I'd want legal custody even if the child spent part of fheir time with each of their parents. You made a mistake. You chose poorly but you're doing right by the children. How long do you think it will be before child's mum or dad is in another relationship and producing yet further layers of step siblings! Give that child stability. Your own children will benefit from your example.
Yes, it's unusual, but you're doing the fight thing.

You're amazing OP. So selfless putting this childs needs as a priority. You may need to sometimes put your own needs first though - getting no cms etc, you could well find it all a struggle wither financially or emotionally, so just be mindful of that

A friend of mine was in a similar-ish situation. A close friend of hers had a baby but was more into partying and going out than raising her, so my friend stepped up and took on a lot of childcare. She was a huge part of this little girl’s life from birth until she was about 7. At that point, the mum took a dislike to my friend and stopped her having any contact whatsoever, even going so far as to take out a restraining order.

Obviously, I’m not privy to all the details but the main jist seemed to be that the mum (and, I guess, judge) objected to her taking on parental duties like signing up for swimming lessons and holiday clubs. So just like that, she was out of her life forever.

The girl, now a teen, was recently in the news as she had gone missing. I believe she was found, but it’s clear that things are not good at home. My friend was bereft, as there was nothing she could do other than follow the story in the news.

I would really encourage you to get a legal arrangement in place if possible. I do think you’re doing the right thing for your bonus child in providing a stable, loving environment, but you should make sure that environment is as stable as possible. As a bonus, this would likely qualify you for financial help, which answers your original post.

You may not still be reading these responses but I just wanted to say what an incredible person you are, this child is so lucky to have you and it really breaks my heart to think what her life would’ve been like if you hadn’t been in the picture from so early on. You’re doing what feels right in your heart and is the right thing by this poor (unwanted) child. Forcing this useless Mum to have her child more isn’t the answer she’ll be palmed off to god only knows who! This situation is so unfair on you and the child but you HAVE to ask for financial help from the mum. Next time she’s due to stay with you just outright say you’ll need a bag of nappies, wipes and spare clothes no explanation needed. The list can get bigger each week. Thank you for being the mummy this poor baby clearly doesn’t have x

Just on the financial situation. If OP goes for a legal fostering/adoption she will be entitled to some money for the little girl and that will ease a bit. The minimum child support is 24 pound a week for the kid. She may scratch a couple of hundred pounds a month between the government payment and the bare minimum of child maintenance for her own kids. It is not a fortune but it will make a difference in a family with 4 kids. I would ask for money for the 4 kids. OP seems very hands on and I'm sure she can make magic with that money even if is not much.

Also she needs to be legally protected on her role of stepmother.

The bio parents have shown they can be trusted and the can take the little one away if the want right now.

It is not only about nappies is about the future of the five of them.

OP you are a wonderful person don't let others get you down.

This. And if not I’d be arranging proper CM for your mutual children.

That’s a hell of a lot of work you’re doing for them for nothing. I’d cut down the time dc spends with you and certainly insist they cover every expense if you really still need to continue with this arrangement

The mum should be supplying nappies and milk etc because it's her child, not OP's. Also, OP has the girl 4 days a week, which is most of the week. Tbh OP should be getting the child benefit and legal guardianship!

@Hmmokthen at any moment the mum could take the girl away and you'll never see her again. You have zero legal rights over her care. You need to report the parents to social services and let them know you have the girl most of the time. They are neglecting her but you need to ensure you go down a legal route if you want to adopt the girl.

The bio mum will not agree to adoption or even fostering, even if the OP wants it because the she would receive no money for the child, child allowance etc…

Wow op you are absolutely amazing. Total hats off to you x

You should be getting child maintenance

OP you have a big heart and obviously have the care of this bonus child’s best interest in mind.
these parents need to step up either financially or by providing clothing etc.
I know you are looking out for this child but it seems you are the only one.

I have no idea how you can drive this change. But you are a good person 😍