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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Expected to pay to attend party

407 replies

BagOfFeet · 24/07/2023 17:35

DS10 has been invited to a climbing party with a small group of boys. The party is at time when you might not usually eat, so I asked if food would be provided and the mum said she can't afford to feed the 4 boys. I said ok, I'll feed mine after. She then text me to say she has booked it, and bought them unlimited drinks. The way she phrased it sounded like she had just booked it for herself and her son. I asked to clarify if she had paid for my DS and she said that she had forgotten. I gave her a while expecting her to text back to say it's all been booked, but she didn't. So I text again asking if she had paid for him or if I need to book his place myself. She said she only has the money to pay for herself, her DH and her DS to go with unlimited drinks, and so all the guests will have to pay for themselves.

I'm a bit annoyed. This has become an expensive play date, where I pay for my son to go but also have to bring a present. If she really didn't have the money, why are her and her DH climbing too, and why buy unlimited drinks (instead of taking a bottle of water from home)? If she and her husband didn't climb and also have the drinks, the money saved would have covered the entrance for the other boys.

If she just wanted a day out climbing with her family, why send out invites? Whenever her son is invited to parties, she never offers to pay. I pay when her son goes to our parties and now I pay when my son goes to her party. It all feels like a bit of a cheek.

OP posts:
noglow · 24/07/2023 17:36

You don't need to give a massive present but yeah sounds weird

xyz111 · 24/07/2023 17:37

Yes you don't normally invite people to a party and then not pay for them. My son is having a soft play party, but I'm not asking the parents to pay for the child. Very odd behaviour! Does your son want to go? How much drink can someone drink from a bit of climbing?

Nazzywish · 24/07/2023 17:38

Why don't you just decline the invite and tell her nicely why.? Sorry thought the psrty would be all paid for so on this occasion will have to politely decline, hope your ds has a lovely time etc etc.

drpet49 · 24/07/2023 17:39

Completely agree with you OP. I would decline.

gamerchick · 24/07/2023 17:39

I'd bin it off. The evasive way she's answered questions would put me right off. What else has t she said? Tell her thanks but no thanks and plan something for the bairn for that day so he's not disappointed.

Swansandcustard · 24/07/2023 17:40

Sorry CF mum, didn’t realise there would be extra costs, can’t run to it this time. Hope you all have a fab time

GertrudeJekyllRose · 24/07/2023 17:41

It's not much of an invitation if you are having to fund it yourself. I'd decline unless my child was very keen to attend.

AlwaysWantingIceLollies · 24/07/2023 17:44

Yeah I'd decline. How very strange

Piyo · 24/07/2023 17:45

That is so bonkers!

I would pay for som and give the birthday boy a homemade card and a bag of haribo as gesture.

Changingplace · 24/07/2023 17:45

How weird, and very annoying that you’ve had to drag the info out of her that it’s not actually the invite that it initially appears to be!

I’d bin it off, I wonder if the parents of the other boys realise it’s not a paid for party? It could get very awkward if they turn up expecting a place to have been booked & paid for!

DinoRoar14 · 24/07/2023 17:46

That's not a party. I'd say no to attending. I wouldn't give a reason.
Just, sorry Joe will not be coming

RoseBucket · 24/07/2023 17:46

It sounds like the party guests are gate crashing a family day out. Depends how close the boys are o guess but it’s not a party invite.

5128gap · 24/07/2023 17:47

Does your DS want to go, and can you afford it? If the answer to both those questions is yes, then I wouldn't refuse just on principle because she's cheeky as there's no benefit to anyone in that. It's not going to bother her whether he's there or not after all, so it won't make her think twice in future. Your DS is the one who will miss out. And possibly the birthday child, but unless everyone else declines he'll probably be fine too. So it boils down to whether you want to pay for your DS to have this experience or not.

Watchthedoormat · 24/07/2023 17:47

I'd not want to disappoint the boy or my own ds so I'd pay for his climb this time however I'd be on guard in the future.

Ohmylovejune · 24/07/2023 17:50

She sounds a bit of a poor communicator. Whi knows what the true situation is! And what about the other two invited!

Think I'd clearly state that I don't have the funds currently so my son won't be attending but you hope they have a lovely time.

Merryoldgoat · 24/07/2023 17:51

That’s not a party invite. It’s a pisstake.

You celebrate in an appropriate way you that you can afford.

Why not take one other child and pay properly?

I’d decline too.

changeyerheadworzel · 24/07/2023 17:54

Never heard of being invited to a child's birthday party and having to pay for your child! The neck of her!

SchoolShenanigans · 24/07/2023 17:55

"Thank you so much for the invite, I totally understand not being able to cover party guests, times are extremely tough right now aren't they. Unfortunately, we don't have the extra cash for climbing at the moment, so whilst we wish your DS a lovely birthday, my DS won't be able to attend. I hope your DS has a great time!"

lunar1 · 24/07/2023 17:55

She'd sounds an odd one. This isn't a birthday party, it's just meeting up at the climbing wall

storminabuttercup · 24/07/2023 17:56

Has there been an actual invite or a verbal one from the kid? It's very odd if there's been an actual invite. I'm a mug though so id probably pay as the poor kid is expecting friends there.

User37652 · 24/07/2023 17:56

Are you sure she means she hasn’t booked him a place at all? The way I was reading your message was that she couldn’t remember if she had booked unlimited drinks for him - otherwise I don’t see how she could have ‘forgotten’ whether she booked him a place at all. Could it be that she’s bought him a ticket to climb but can’t afford the unlimited drinks for everyone else?

User68253 · 24/07/2023 17:57

Whilst I agree that a party invite means you don't pay to attend, I wonder if she has just decided not to pay for you because you came off rude with your directness?

If you asked bluntly 'Will food be provided?' she may have felt it was a bit direct, but then another message 'Can you clarify if you have paid for little Bagofeet' could have been enough for her to decide, actually, I'm not going to pay for little Bagofeet.

Without seeing the wording of your messages, it's hard to judge.

SleepingStandingUp · 24/07/2023 17:57

I'd decline. Sorry, thought it was a party invite, not a suggestion that we pay for our son to attend whilst you're there. Must have got crossed wires. See you September

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 24/07/2023 17:57

Rude- the shit communication could also cause problems, if a parent turns up with an excited kid and no means of paying. I’d prob decline unless my kid and theirs were best friends.

CaramelMac · 24/07/2023 17:59

Well if she hasn’t booked him a place and you have to do it then it isn’t really a party invitation, is it? I’d just say sorry to hear you’re not having a party anymore, enjoy your day climbing instead!

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